The Politics of being Pregnant

[Bloo]

One reason I think people might react more to pregnancy more than to other achievements is that it is something most people can relate to on a personal level. Everyone knows the joy of a new family member (be it child, sibling, niece/nephew, cousin, etc), but they may not be able to relate to specific career achievements or academic degrees so personally. Not that it excuses weirdos, rude people, or patriarchal bullshit, but it may help explain the attitude.

In any case, congratulations and here's to happy, healthy pregnancies!

[Soldier of the One]

Thank you, Bloo! Yes, that might partially explain that. Thanks :)

ShadowyOne - I am so happy you are pregnant too! (I've started a Pregnancy Tips and Resources thread in Chatter... anyone care to pitch in?) I hope your pregnancy goes easy for you. Wishing you the very best.

[DrPusey]

One reason I think people might react more to pregnancy more than to other achievements is that it is something most people can relate to on a personal level. Everyone knows the joy of a new family member (be it child, sibling, niece/nephew, cousin, etc), but they may not be able to relate to specific career achievements or academic degrees so personally. Not that it excuses weirdos, rude people, or patriarchal bullshit, but it may help explain the attitude.

In any case, congratulations and here's to happy, healthy pregnancies!

Yes, this! To run with the example of graduate degrees, something like 1% of the U.S. population has ever been enrolled in a Ph.D. course. (it's an even more miniscule number for people who actually complete a doctorate) Parenthood is a lot more attainable.

The older I get, the less I care what other random people think, but the comparative lack of validation for women's professional accomplishments still grates.

Congrats to all the newly-expecting board members! :)

[AKay]

So many employees at oneof the places I worked were SO out of line with the "so when are YOU going to have kids?" stuff constantly that I actually ended up mentioning it to management. I had someone ask me, "so do you think you'll ever have children?" Not that it's ever appropriate to do so, but at the time I was under 25, hardly past childbearing age. It was crazy how often people asked after the state of my uterus.

Edited due to my iPad being crazy.

[Soldier of the One]

DrPusey (am really trying to not read that as "Dr. Pussy", :lol:), thank you for the congrats :) Good point about the selectiveness of academic and career achievements. Like you said, still grating though.

AKay: what?!? That is the most ridiculous thing ever. In terms of childbearing you're a spring-chicken. What were these people on? Good thing you called them out on it, though. Good for you!

[ShesCrafty]

This issue is a bit of a pet peeve of mine and I'm glad you started this thread, Soldier. I am in my 30's, have a graduate degree, a good career and have travelled. Lived in a few different places, met interesting people, and had my fair share of relationships. But because I am single and childless (by choice) there is this vibe I get from a lot of people that my life hasn't quite started. That I'm not quite an...adult, for lack of a better word. That I'm just waiting around for a man to complete me (followed by lots of kids, of course, because what woman doesn't want baybeez??). And the assumption that you WILL have children...don't get me started. It's frustrating, to say the least, and I could vent for hours (but I won't) :D.

P.S. Congratulations to the soon to be new mothers AND to the awesome women who have accomplished career, school, travel, and other life goals!

[AKay]

DrPusey (am really trying to not read that as "Dr. Pussy", :lol:), thank you for the congrats :) Good point about the selectiveness of academic and career achievements. Like you said, still grating though.

AKay: what?!? That is the most ridiculous thing ever. In terms of childbearing you're a spring-chicken. What were these people on? Good thing you called them out on it, though. Good for you!

Yeah, it was crazy. My husband and I got married super young and apparently it was impossible for them to believe that we wouldn't want kids immediately, so I got all these pitying looks and annoying questions for years. One guy actually told me that he "wanted" me to have children. When I finally had kids years later they all acted like I was now a real person.

[Bethella]

What gets me is the people asking if I'm going to start having children soon, all while I'm unemployed and living with my parents. Do they really think I'm irresponsible enough to deliberately bring a child into the world knowing that I can't even support myself at the moment, much less a child?

[hoipolloi]

Tee-hee for political motherhood! My husband is rooting for a girl and *shock of horrors* we might consider passing on my last name to the child instead of his (for profoundly personal reasons but also from the awareness that it is existentially unfair that society expects women to give up their last names by default). Imagine the shock waves of disapproval this will create. I can't wait! (Not really, actually, because if we do decide that, it's not done to be provocative or controversial at all).

People are so stupid when it comes to women and their names. As if marriage and motherhood is entirely dependent on subsuming your name. Eek.

My first grandchild has her mother's surname and the sun rose & set today.

My advice on baby names in general is do not -- I repeat DO NOT -- tell anyone beforehand what name(s) you're considering. Someone is not going to like them and if they think there's a ghost of a chance of changing your mind they will badger you until the cows come home. If, on the other hand, they are confronted with fait accompli, there may be some grousing or a snide remark or two but that's it. Done deal.

Congrats to all the expectant parents - great news!

[desertvixen]

I feel that gestating a child is between me, DH and... no-one else. Yet as a feminist, I've been perturbed to note how people respond to my pregnancy and it makes me reflect a fair bit on the politics of pregnancy. (This is my first Arrow, can you tell? :whistle:)

Congrats to all three of those who have announced impending arrows!

Soldier, I hate to be pessimistic, but people's reactions only get more intrusive after you're showing. When I was pregnant 7 years ago, it seemed like every woman in the world old enough to be my mother or more wanted to share with me her labor horror story.

Not to mention the fact that too many people seem to think it's acceptable to police all your actions because OMG the baby.

Having a supportive, practical OB is immensely helpful, in my experience.

[Katiebug]

Congratulations to my fellow FJers who are also pregnant! I'm nearly half-baked with #2 (maybe, but not definitely the final arrow in our proverbial quiver).

It's a weird dynamic at my workplace because I work primarily with men. The cool guys just treat me normally. The weird ones get all worked up and make a big deal out of me carrying something that weighs 5 pounds - hello, I pick up a 28 pound 2 year old many times a day, my laptop isn't any kind of a strain! :lol: Or they get way too familiar and start constantly asking me how I'm feeling, staring at my abdomen, or telling me (AGAIN!) their wives' labor horror stories.

[laura oz]

DrPusey (am really trying to not read that as "Dr. Pussy", :lol:), thank you for the congrats :) Good point about the selectiveness of academic and career achievements. Like you said, still grating though.

AKay: what?!? That is the most ridiculous thing ever. In terms of childbearing you're a spring-chicken. What were these people on? Good thing you called them out on it, though. Good for you!

Thank God, I'm not the only one who reads it that way :lol: :lol: . I just thought I was a dirty bird (watched Misery a few days ago and it's my homage to Annie who is the best villain ever.)

[LainieR]

Congrats to the those that are pregnant!

We found out the gender for our little guy, and while I loved knowing and will probably do that with subsequent arrow(s), I'm not sure I'd share the gender with people as freely with my son. I found people's reaction was weird, from the "Oh your husband must be so happy you're having a boy!" (he didn't care and would have been JUST as thrilled with a girl) to "Well that's great the family name will continue on" It felt like being pregnant with a boy was somehow even more of an accomplishment. It was bizarre.

[Slt]

Thank you, Bloo! Yes, that might partially explain that. Thanks :)

ShadowyOne - I am so happy you are pregnant too! (I've started a Pregnancy Tips and Resources thread in Chatter... anyone care to pitch in?) I hope your pregnancy goes easy for you. Wishing you the very best.

How many posts are needed to access chatter? I used to be able to access but I am unable now :( I want to see the pregnancy thread! :mrgreen:

[DrPusey]

Thank God, I'm not the only one who reads it that way :lol: :lol: . I just thought I was a dirty bird (watched Misery a few days ago and it's my homage to Annie who is the best villain ever.)

I thought of the potential for this misreading about two seconds after I submitted the registration request with my user name. :oops: Although, you know, DrPussy is kind of awesome in its potential to defraud any lurking fundies.

[treehugger]

Congratulations all around! (pretend whatever you want in the mugs ;) )

Don't worry about the name. I never changed my name and Little Treehugger ( :lol: I just realized how funny that sounds) has her daddy's name, but that is fine with me. You make the choice that works for you and since it is really nobody else's business they can just shut up about it.

I wish happy, healthy pregnancies for all of you! And may your arrows grow straight and tall (and hopefully well-adjusted and liberated ;) ).

[dora]

Another pregnant FJer here! This is my third arrow, I have seven year old twins. Pleased to report that no one then tried to touch my belly, and certainly no one implied I was fulfilling my wifely duty. If anything, several people commented in why I would want to ruin my life and waistline. (Not to mention my boobs). I guess I live in a pretty secular world.

[Soldier of the One]

Thanks, all, for the hearty support and lovely comments! I am definitely raising a glass of alcohol-free goodness to celebrate with my fellow breeding FJ'ers! Good luck, other moms-to-be (and those of you trying to conceive: my thoughts and prayers are with you). For those of you never planning to procreate: good for you. Enjoy your freedom, boobs and waistline! :D

Ah, yes, the names. And gender. DH and I are hoping for a girl to precisely avoid the 'precious son' business. But of course, we are hoping for a healthy, happy - and liberated! - child!

[Irishy]

Congratulations!

I think people are having this huge response to the news if your pregnancy because it is truly awesome and the ride of your life, literally. I wonder are your most enthusiastic supporters parents themselves? If so, it's probably because they know you're in for the most overwhelming bubble of emotion you'll ever experience in your life. I never could have understood it before it happened to me, but the feeling in those first minutes, hours, days with my eldest son were indescribable. And with each subsequent baby I should add! It never gets old. You can see why J'chelle is addicted lol. But seriously, it is a big deal. It may not be the be-all and end-all of your life as a whole, but it is a huge highlight! Good luck!

[Eoywin]

Congrats!

I get a lot of crap from various people (mostly my mother in law) about only having one child. I had a rough pregnancy with my daughter and then two years ago, I found out that I have a mass in my brain. Despite not wanting to put my poor body through the strain of pregnancy, some people think it's cruel that my daughter is an only because she'll be lonely, which she isn't.

My husband and I were on the fence about having kids. He didn't really care and I wanted one, even though I'm uncomfortable with kids in general (I do love my daughter - it's different with her). So we decided to just try - if we got pregnant great, if not, oh well. It took us 3 months before I got pregnant.

When I was pregnant, luckily no-one touched my belly without asking. I did hear all the horror stories about pregnancy - it was like some weird rite of passage.

[Soldier of the One]

Oh, I hate it when they share their horror stories. Perennially unhelpful! One guy even went so far to tell me about birth defects and deformities. Great, thanks.

Oh, I am sure it is the rush of a life-time and that 'everything will change'. It's just the patronizing tone in which some people say it that irks me. Like, 'oh you know nothing yet, EVERYTHING will change!11!!'. Like I'm still naive and in the dark about these things. Which I might be, but you also have to trust your personal trajectory to find these things out for yourself.

[alysee]

I haven't had anyone just out right touch my belly that being said I have had ppl ask and I've told them I am not comfortable with that but feel free to hold the baby when it isn't attached to me.

[CynicMom]

I think people are making a value judgement based on time. As in, the thing you spend the most time and effort on must be the thing you value the most. Many people scale down their work and academic efforts once kids come along. Anyone who has kids report that kids take up the majority of their time. Ergo it can seem like once people have kids everything else gets de-prioritized in favor of the kids. Fair? No. But I think that's where people are coming from.

[honeyinthesunshine]

I'm currently almost 8 months along with our first and pregnancy is... kinda bullshit.

Maybe this is different for other moms, but for me, it is definitely not the transcendent, affirming, beautiful experience it's painted as in the baby books. It's more like several months of mild annoyance, punctuated by moments of extreme humiliation.

I am currently a lumbering walrus. I'll explain.

Once you begin to show, people act like malfunctioning cyborgs. They ask really inappropriate questions: "Are your breasts tender?" Yes, strange lady in line at walgreens, they are indeed. "You must be having so much fun with your husband about now... all those hormones, amiright?" Yes, it's just a fun, sexy time at my house, what with the bladder incontinence and the crying and the fact that I can no longer remove my own pants. "You're getting so BIG!" Yes, I am enormous. It's more difficult to hide effectively now. And it goes on.

Also, no one tells you about real pregnancy symptoms. It's all, fetal movement (awww), baby books, cute maternity clothes, nausea, cute mood swings, and nesting. It IS NOT. Boogers. Just fucking boogers. All the time. I blew a snot bubble (inadvertently, of course) in a meeting last week that was the size of a gumball. No, I do not have a sinus infection, I just have boogers. Unending boogers.

Peeing!!! I pissed myself, while crying (because I'm a winner) in the grocery store yesterday. And you know what? I've pissed myself in public so many times over the past few months that I just continued shopping. Because pregnancy is beautiful.

That cute, quirky maternity wardrobe I thought for sure I'd have? Not so much. I have two looks currently; slightly too old to be cast on MTV's teen mom, and hasidic mother of nine. I could put on a head covering right now and it would seem coherent.

Mood swings? Rage. Just fucking rage. And maniacal laughter at really inopportune times (during which I also pee).I bwah ha ha ha ha laughed for a full minute in the chiropractor's office two weeks ago while a woman was talking to me about her sciatica. Mind you, I wasn't laughing at this woman's abject pain, but at something my mother had said to me like, a week before. Awkward. And the sobbing. But only when I watch triumphant things on youtube, like that goth kid on x factor who sings opera. "He just worked so hard... just for this moment, and no one ever knew."

Those baby books? I'll say this, publishers of baby advice everywhere, you are totally dishonest. Seriously. Just title it "Fun Euphemisms and None of the Real Stuff You Should Expect, Now With A Fun List of 150 Ways to Quickly and Easily Kill Your Baby and/or Damage Her FOREVER!!! and I'll be happy. There should be a sticker on these books that says "Updated!!! Now with 25% more crippling anxiety!" Sweet Jesus, those books are horrifying. Avoid.

Nesting? Oh fuck that. Showering is a minor miracle at this point. I can no longer see my upper legs, so my husband (who I should mention is a saint) shaves them for me. It's slapstick comedy gold. About a week ago, I looked into the nursery and realized that the only things in it were a leather chair from my living room, the remainder of a case of beer we purchased for thanksgiving, and the box for my steam mop and booked it to baby's r' us, that bastion of parenting inadequacy, (what the fuck IS all of this crap?) for some supplies. They are still in their respective boxes.

And fetal movement. You expect these little butterflies traipsing through your midsection, but what you get is actually more like the scene from the movie Alien where the creature bursts forth from the guy's stomach. It looks like I'm smuggling hamsters under my shirt. Yes, it's cool at first, but it's also really fucking strange. And when the little angel drop-kicks your bladder when you're wearing light grey yoga pants and you have to smile and silently acknowledge to a stranger that, yes, that is pee, and yes, you know, and no, you don't give a shit, the novelty fades.

You also have really bizarre realizations, like the fact that you are growing another set of eyeballs in your uterus, (YIKES) and that your boobs (previously known only for being generally unimpressive and a bit lopsided) are leaking mystery fluid and ruining your bras, because you are going to feed another human with them, that there's a placenta in there (don't google it. just don't.).

This isn't to say that I haven't had really cool pregnancy moments, like my 20 week ultrasound where she YAWNED!!!, (where were the news camera crews???) or when I look at my husband and realize how incredibly lucky I am, or when it's just me and the wee one in bed and she moves about and I realize how much I love this little person we made (my baby is a little person because we want her, no one should ever be forced to endure all of the shit I just listed if they don't absolutely want to, embryos are not people, I've already posted about this and FYI, to all the fundies out there, pregnancy has made me more militantly pro choice than ever before). Those moments are pretty awesome.

So for all the ladies choosing not to have kids, GOOD FOR YOU. Rock on. Not using birth control was not my biggest life achievement, nor was having sex with my husband. My Dad's second wife never wanted kids, and her relatives constantly say really insensitive things about how it "changes your life" and how "you'll never know the joy of pregnancy" and it sucks for her. Maybe they're romanticizing their pregnancies, or maybe the idea of a woman not wanting to procreate just makes them uncomfortable, whatever. It's not nice and it's really just not true. They can see above.

Sorry for the long post.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

I'm going to be 30 this year, and in the next two years, if all goes well, I will be completing my Ph.D., in addition to which I have three master's degrees, all from the Ivies. Not to brag, but I think that's a pretty damn impressive accomplishment for a woman my age. I've worked, and continue to work, incredibly hard. But that doesn't stop my family (who is, don't get me wrong, VERY VERY supportive of my academic work) from viewing my life as incomplete since I'm childless. I've never managed to escape a visit with the fam without them prodding about when I'm going to have a baby. It adds up to the impression that everything else I've done is just auxiliary - my "real" project is supposed to be having a child. I don't understand how these people, who know me better than anyone in the world, could possibly not understand my choices. I would like a child under the right circumstances, but I made a decision a long time ago that establishing myself in my incredibly demanding and competitive career was the priority. I wish my dad spent a little less time stressing about my biological clock (not to mention my 47 y/o partner's sperm - Dad read that older fathers are more likely to have children with birth defects, so now he's upped the ante on pressuring me to have a baby before partner's swimmers get too "damaged". I wish I were kidding).

Honestly, the thing that gives me great pause when thinking about motherhood is seriously all the judgment of others. The constant unsolicited advice. The gleeful schadenfreude over one's upcoming childbirth. The sanctimony. UGH. Considering that my hypothetical child would be an only child like me (apart from a stepbrother who will be quite a bit older if/when this happens) and raised without religion and as a vegetarian, I would expect a lot of bullshit from people. I don't know how you mamas handle it.