The Politics of being Pregnant

[meda]

Interesting intersection with the feminism thread. I guess what gets to me is the hyping of pregnancy and motherhood and the simultaneous dismissal of other accomplishments. My husband is also a lawyer, and absolutely no one has reacted to the news of his impending fatherhood with anything other than some variation of "hey congratulations, hope everything goes well with your wife's pregnancy". He is still, first and foremost seen as a fully functioning professional and an autonomous adult. I on the other hand, have heard many variations of "oh sqeeee! This is the most important thing that will ever happen to you! Of course you will scale back on x....or stop doing y.....oh, you’re not quitting your job?" The contrast has been so marked that my husband has commented on it.

And to be perfectly honest, I don’t see gestating a baby for nine months as the biggest accomplishment in my life. I am the first person in my family to get a professional degree. Working a demanding job full time while going to law school at night and maintaining a high GPA was physically and mentally exhausting, and it lasted three and a half years. So while my husband and I are very happy, and we are absolutely aware that our lives will change profoundly and probably nothing will be more challenging and rewarding than raising a child, I still can’t view pregnancy as an "accomplishment" (mostly, after the fertility issues I do feel a bit triumphant) Sorry if that sounds churlish, but it's where I'm at right now.

edited to add: honeyinthesunshine, OMG yes, the peeing!!!! all the time! nothing sexier than retching with morning sickness and pissing yourself at the same time. At the office. Good times.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Congrats!

I get a lot of crap from various people (mostly my mother in law) about only having one child. I had a rough pregnancy with my daughter and then two years ago, I found out that I have a mass in my brain. Despite not wanting to put my poor body through the strain of pregnancy, some people think it's cruel that my daughter is an only because she'll be lonely, which she isn't.

My husband and I were on the fence about having kids. He didn't really care and I wanted one, even though I'm uncomfortable with kids in general (I do love my daughter - it's different with her). So we decided to just try - if we got pregnant great, if not, oh well. It took us 3 months before I got pregnant.

When I was pregnant, luckily no-one touched my belly without asking. I did hear all the horror stories about pregnancy - it was like some weird rite of passage.

The idea that it's somehow "cruel" to have an only child is just baffling. I lived in Russia (then the USSR) until age 8, where it was extremely common for people to have one kid (maybe 2) due to finances, resources, etc. It wasn't until I moved to the States that I started meeting kids with more than one sibling. In any case, my partner and I are both onlies, and we are fine. I've never wanted more than one myself, if at all, and when I tell people they act like I just said I plan to keep my kid in a cage in the cellar. I concede that some of us only kids can be a little more socially awkward at first, and perhaps more introverted, but there are also great advantages in the area of creative and intellectual growth when you are forced to entertain yourself and interact more regularly with adults than other kids.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Yay for happy, non-normative marriages. We need more of them. And thank you for the congrats!

This could inspire me onto my whole feminist 'high-heels/make-up' rant. How often professional women (and in any case, all women) are expected to wear high heels and make up in order to be 'acceptable' and look professional. I really resent that. Being an Acceptable Girl takes a lot of energy and costs a lot of money: dieting, hair removal, beauty and make up products, clothing, uncomfortable shoes. It's like our modern-day corsets and chastity belts.

Have you been reading an old copy of The Beauty Myth?

[Eoywin]

honeyinthesunshine - I had a similar pregnancy to you. Mood swings, peeing, feeling like a whale. I was super sick the first trimester, 2nd trimester was ok, and then I felt like giant whale who could barely shuffle around work in the 3rd.

I had friends who are parents saying I would forget all the BS of pregnancy and I would want to do it again once the baby was here. Hell no! I still haven't forgotten and my daughter is 4. :lol:

OnceModestTwiceShy - I don't get the only child is cruel thing. My daughter seems like a fairly well adjusted 4 year old who has lots of friends. In my Mother in Law's case, I think she just wanted another grandkid :roll: But she also likes to complain a lot about how hubby and I are raising our daughter. Thank goodness she lives 14 hours away.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Have you been reading an old copy of The Beauty Myth?

Speaking of being an Acceptable Girl, I really have issues figuring out the appropriate way to dress in my line of work (academia - humanities). There seems to be a very fine line between looking "appropriately" feminine and looking too sexy or pretty to be taken seriously, and sometimes just being an attractive woman can cast suspicion on your seriousness.

[Slt]

Honeyinthesunshine- holy shit you are so right with the alien baby moments! Other than the fact that the kicking and stretching actually HURT at times, seeing a head, butt or foot jab you and then stretch your skin several inches out while they wiggle around is just... Creepy sometimes!

You might still nest- real nesting doesn't usually start until about a week or two before your baby is born (if you aren't induced). Mine started the day before my scheduled 39 week delivery, and I was quite disappointed. I could have cleaned so much more!

[2xx1xy1JD]

I'm going to be 30 this year, and in the next two years, if all goes well, I will be completing my Ph.D., in addition to which I have three master's degrees, all from the Ivies. Not to brag, but I think that's a pretty damn impressive accomplishment for a woman my age. I've worked, and continue to work, incredibly hard. But that doesn't stop my family (who is, don't get me wrong, VERY VERY supportive of my academic work) from viewing my life as incomplete since I'm childless. I've never managed to escape a visit with the fam without them prodding about when I'm going to have a baby. It adds up to the impression that everything else I've done is just auxiliary - my "real" project is supposed to be having a child. I don't understand how these people, who know me better than anyone in the world, could possibly not understand my choices. I would like a child under the right circumstances, but I made a decision a long time ago that establishing myself in my incredibly demanding and competitive career was the priority. I wish my dad spent a little less time stressing about my biological clock (not to mention my 47 y/o partner's sperm - Dad read that older fathers are more likely to have children with birth defects, so now he's upped the ante on pressuring me to have a baby before partner's swimmers get too "damaged". I wish I were kidding).

Honestly, the thing that gives me great pause when thinking about motherhood is seriously all the judgment of others. The constant unsolicited advice. The gleeful schadenfreude over one's upcoming childbirth. The sanctimony. UGH. Considering that my hypothetical child would be an only child like me (apart from a stepbrother who will be quite a bit older if/when this happens) and raised without religion and as a vegetarian, I would expect a lot of bullshit from people. I don't know how you mamas handle it.

Selective deafness.

At some point, you simply figure out that the key to happiness is to become so self-centered that you focus on your own family and tune out unhelpful voices from the outside world. Literally.

Once upon a time (1996 to 1999, to be exact), I would listen to Dr. Laura while driving. [Yes, I know, I should be ashamed of myself, but in my defense she was a bit less vile back then.] She was a big fan of kids having a parent at home, which suddenly made me feel conflicted after my daughter was born and I was placing her in daycare because I had landed a contract that would allow us to afford both rent AND groceries. My solution was to turn off the radio and look at my family instead. Objectively, my baby was laughing in a baby swing and doing fine. My husband and I were less stressed since we could stop going further into debt each month and actually afford to save something. Having a job didn't mean that I was away "all the time", especially since my particular baby was physically attached to me every second that she wasn't in daycare. If a decision made sense for our family, that was all that mattered.

I also find that unsolicited advice is worse with the first child. By child #3, even my MIL had stopped.

[laura oz]

honey in the sunshine, your post made me I had seriously forgotten a lot of the bad parts of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will never forget the pain and just horror of my first minioz making his grand 15 minute runaway train entrance into this world(anyone who says you forget all the pain when you see your baby is a liar who lies). I had to wear adult diapers with my daughter cause she just flattened my bladder (also kept her head jammed in my right rib but that's another story). You know a man loves you when he has to not only go buy you depends cause you are dribbeling every-fucking-where and on every-fucking-thing, but he volunteers to clean up said urine which is just everywhere while you go slip into your new sex-ay drawers :lol: Ahhhh....good times.

[honeyinthesunshine]

honey in the sunshine, your post made me I had seriously forgotten a lot of the bad parts of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will never forget the pain and just horror of my first minioz making his grand 15 minute runaway train entrance into this world(anyone who says you forget all the pain when you see your baby is a liar who lies). I had to wear adult diapers with my daughter cause she just flattened my bladder (also kept her head jammed in my right rib but that's another story). You know a man loves you when he has to not only go buy you depends cause you are dribbeling every-fucking-where and on every-fucking-thing, but he volunteers to clean up said urine which is just everywhere while you go slip into your new sex-ay drawers :lol: Ahhhh....good times.

I have found myself over the past few weeks lingering way longer then I'm cool with in the incontinence supply section of the grocery store, gazing at different pads and briefs and thinking "Hey, if Kirstie Alley's doing it...."

Seriously though, I'm with you about the loving husband bit too. My husband has thus far clipped and painted my toenails, indulged my newfound enthusiasm for the Eggo brand, made runs to Burger King at odd hours for those dollar chicken sandwiches I need, stood guard in front of an auto repair shop while I vomited whilst bare assed around the back, (if you've been there, you know that when you hurl, you pee A LOT and you reach a point where you just drop your pants rather then having to go home and change. It's a classy moment @meda), and most recently, held me while I laugh/sobbed at the end of Jeff, Who Lives At Home. (Because they're all just so nice, right? And that Susan Sarandon, you know she's just lovely in real life, and they must've worked so hard on this lovely movie...)

Luckily she's stayed away from my ribs/lungs thus far, (BTW I'd love to hear that bit), she does, however just kinda lounge to one side at times, because I can't just be huge, I need to be lopsided too. Magic!

[laura oz]

My little girl just loved to have some large part of her anatomy wedged in my right lower rib and for giggles would poke my right lung hard. I had maybe an hour or two each day to actually breathe and not dribble while she flipped herself. Did I mention that I had weekly hormone shots and had steroid shots to develop her lungs cause I had a difficult pregnancy and I had another baby who I delivered in Feb of 2010 and Stinkle (pet name for mini ozette) came in Nov of 2010? That's 2 babies in 10 months. Breastfeeding prolongs infertility my ASS! I was a MESS. God bless my hubby, that man has learned to just shut his mouth when the crazy hits me :lol: :lol:

[Soldier of the One]

Honeyinthesunshine, a big THANK YOU for being honest and telling it as it is. Aaannn.dddd to all the pregnant whales out there vomiting, peeing, farting and snorting. You have my sympathy... and my dread. I've been really nauseous which interferes with work and because of the peeing (oy, the peeing!!) haven't had a solid night's sleep for almost three months. I am so, so tired. Oh, the vomiting. DH will make me a nice dinner and out it goes. Every day, like the saint he is, he asks me what I want and I don't know/care because my appetite is gone. And oh, the fucking constipation. I haven't taken a good crap in about three months either. And sex... uhmmm... uhmmm. Mmm. Well.

I resent the sugar-coating of it all. There's an alien growing inside my body that's draining me of my nutrients and energy and filling me with crazy hormones. It's a beautiful and miraculous process from a scientific perspective but fun? No, not really. I don't have quickening yet (am still too early) so we'll see how that goes.

As a side note: haven't read a copy of the Beauty Myth. I make up my own corny cliches all by myself :)

Thanks for sharing so openly. Now I know what freak show to expect.

[JesusFightClub]

Oh, I hate it when they share their horror stories. Perennially unhelpful! One guy even went so far to tell me about birth defects and deformities. Great, thanks.

Oh, I am sure it is the rush of a life-time and that 'everything will change'. It's just the patronizing tone in which some people say it that irks me. Like, 'oh you know nothing yet, EVERYTHING will change!11!!'. Like I'm still naive and in the dark about these things. Which I might be, but you also have to trust your personal trajectory to find these things out for yourself.

My mum said the same thing about peeing as has been said elsewhere on the thread. "Just don't go on long car journeys as that is really a nuisance. You need to keep getting out and having a wee. But don't worry about accidents. That's life."

A friend of mine who's given birth said (and I'm going to have this under a spoiler)

You'll crap yourself because they don't give enemas any more. That's a good thing that they don't do it and I assure you a good midwife will have you sorted before you know it. Nobody minds at all, they expect it to happen. All they worry about is a happy mum and happy baby. They are doctors and midwifes, they know the score.

[J'ean Skirt]

How many posts are needed to access chatter? I used to be able to access but I am unable now :( I want to see the pregnancy thread! :mrgreen:

75. You're almost there.

[BoomerLynn]

Honeyinthesunshine, your post made me laugh. If all you pregnant ladies want a book that tells it like it is with regards to pregnancy, I recommend The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy . There is no flowery sugarcoating of anything. It's pretty much an entire book written just like honeyinthesunshine's post.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I loved the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. Keep in mind that it was written in the days before everyone was online and blogging about every detail of life, so it really was my trusted source for what things really felt like.

For the anti-What to Expect, read Knocked Up by Rebecca Eckler. I find her columns to be annoying as hell, but somehow reading an entire book (when I was in the hospital after baby #3 was born) was actually funny. I starts off with "Did I...did we....did he - in me? OH SHIT!"

I'm saving my old copy of What to Expect (the one where the woman on the cover is still in a maternity frumper) as a cultural artifact. The whole thing is snark-worthy, but the one that takes the cake (which is not in the newer editions) concerns advice to a father-to-be concerned about his wife getting fat:

Logical, correct answer: She's not getting fat, she's gestating your baby. You aren't the one who has had your body invaded, so shut up, tell her she's a goddess and if she wants chocolate cake, the only correct response is to get her chocolate cake ASAP.

WTEWYE answer: Gently prod her conscience...discreetly signal to her when she orders the chicken fingers instead of the grilled chicken breast.

Yes, because what every pregnant woman wants in a man who acts as food police when she's nauseous and only certain foods will stop the queasiness.

[rewoodley]

Congrats to everyone who managed to do tons of school and earn amazing degrees, and to all you expecting too

All while I was pregnant with my first I tried to not listen to the horror stories, later to realize that being forewarned is also being forearmed. My first ended in a way that I certainly remembered the pain long after giving birth. including the not glamorous bits of needing to be near a bathroom (if I had to go I HAD to go). and the painful stitches.... all I can say is 45 minutes stitching, and the first time a nurse told me to go pee I nearly passed out on the way to the bathroom (can we say blood loss?) the horror of the birth though was made up for with the fact that I really did have an easy pregnancy... other than the slight issue I had with passing out... did it in the shower... in the dollar store... :oops:

My first pregnancy was actually kinda funny I only started showing in the winter and well big coats hide much... :D I gave birth at 35 weeks and had some of the old ladies at the church I was going to, totally shocked that I had a baby.

Cant say I ever had anyone try to touch my belly... that would have creeped me out....

As for comments by other people the big ones I got were after I gave birth (I had been going to a very conservative church, not any more thankfully) I had just been married in May. We had been planning on waiting for a couple years so DH could finish school but oops... got pregnant and gave birth to a premature baby at 35 weeks in March was Due April and start getting the comments that we may have been doing something we should not have before we were married :roll: ... the joys of knowing judgmental people who only want to think the worst of someone.

[honeyinthesunshine]

Honeyinthesunshine, a big THANK YOU for being honest and telling it as it is. Aaannn.dddd to all the pregnant whales out there vomiting, peeing, farting and snorting. You have my sympathy... and my dread. I've been really nauseous which interferes with work and because of the peeing (oy, the peeing!!) haven't had a solid night's sleep for almost three months. I am so, so tired. Oh, the vomiting. DH will make me a nice dinner and out it goes. Every day, like the saint he is, he asks me what I want and I don't know/care because my appetite is gone. And oh, the fucking constipation. I haven't taken a good crap in about three months either. And sex... uhmmm... uhmmm. Mmm. Well.

I resent the sugar-coating of it all. There's an alien growing inside my body that's draining me of my nutrients and energy and filling me with crazy hormones. It's a beautiful and miraculous process from a scientific perspective but fun? No, not really. I don't have quickening yet (am still too early) so we'll see how that goes.

As a side note: haven't read a copy of the Beauty Myth. I make up my own corny cliches all by myself :)

Thanks for sharing so openly. Now I know what freak show to expect.

Thanks! I'm really sorry if I scared anyone, it's not that terrible, but it isn't something I'd willingly do 20 times, either.

The only, only piece of (completely unsolicited) advice I can offer in the coming months is that you stay the hell away from baby forums and WebMD. Just do yourself, your husband, your friends and healthcare providers the favor. You will, inevitably, have some weird twinge or discomfort that isn't serious enough to call the doctor or midwife about, and you will google it. You will then spend the next 2-3 hours reading reams of material submitted by other pregnant people. Most of these well intentioned folks will tell you that your twinge is normal, but you won't be satisfied. You won't leave well enough alone. You will continue reading until you find the woman whose mother's sister's friend's cousin's baby DIED AFTER SHE FELT THE EXACT SAME THING YOU ARE FEELING!!! And that is the only post that matters. So you will call your midwife, in tears, and explain the twinge, and she will tell you that you probably have to poop. (It all comes back to poop) I have taken literal years off of my life reading those fucking forums.

As for pooping in labor, I've heard this happens to some ladies, and that others find that their bodies cleanse themselves in the days leading up to labor. I think this is wishful thinking though. I'm having a waterbirth at home, (hopefully I'm better at labor then at pregnancy) and my midwife had us purchase a net (a net?) like the one you use to move fish around, and explained that it was for "debris". So there's that. I also had to talk to my husband about the possibility of poop, and he is currently in the denial stage of that grieving process.

[Bethella]

How many posts are needed to access chatter? I used to be able to access but I am unable now :( I want to see the pregnancy thread! :mrgreen:

75 posts

[Soldier of the One]

I stay the hell AWAY from google and webforums. Oh yeah. I rely on trusted print and that includes the universally-hated (here, that is) 'What to Expect When You're Expecting', lol!

I try not to freak myself out any more than necessary and my mantra is 'baby is fine baby is fine baby is fine baby is fine.' If baby is not fine, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Re: pooping. I had heard that. Oh God. DH is determined to be in the birthing room with me but not eager to look at my lady bits. He'll probably stand right next to my head and hold my hand as I curse him to high heaven :)

[paganhomeschooler]

Congrats to all the new Arrows-to-be! :-)

Being pregnant sucks. It is not all roses and unicorns. I was SO SICK. Morning sickness my ass! All day, 9 month long sickness is what I had. And it was 10x worse with the girls than the boys. I had strangers rub my belly. They're lucky they still have hands. And the rage someone talked about? Yeah. My cousin STILL talks about fearing for her life riding in a car with me when I was pregnant. And the alien-baby stuff is just such a strange feeling. My third was my first son. He NEVER stopped moving and still hasn't to this day. He is an egg beater in bed and he was an egg beater womb-side, too. We could see bony little body parts sticking out all over the place....toes, heels, elbows, knees. He also liked to plant his little scrawny, bony butt up under my ribcage. You haven't lived until you've had an alien baby bony ass wedged up under your rib cage, I tell ya what.

For as much as people bitch about onlies, they give it to ya if you've got more than 2, as well. (This is coming from an only.) I don't think I can count how many random strangers have come up to me in the grocery store and said, "You do know what causes that, right?" No, I haven't figured it out, enlighten me, please. Then there's also the, "Oh my, 4 kids. You're done now, right? You've sure got your hands full! Two and two, well you just planned that perfectly, didn't you? You can't have any more now so you don't throw that off." I mean WTF!?!

Oh, and whatever you do, stay away from Babycenter. Babycenter is of the debil. The quickest way to raise a pregnant woman's blood pressure is to put her in front of a computer with Babycenter locked and loaded. Good god. I think I'd almost rather listen to J'Chelle's sing song baby voice for 24 hours nonstop than to read the drivel posted there ever, ever again.

And I think it was Laura in Oz?? You have my sympathy for having two 10 mo. apart! My middle 2 are 11 mo. apart to the day. Congrats for surviving! lol Looking back, I feel really bad. I have next to no pictures of my son until he is about 2. Those first couple of years were such a blur! The fundies would have had a heart attack, though. My husband quit his job to stay home and help take care of the kids so I could work. I work from home, but I was so overwhelmed with 3 kids 3 and under. No, the third wasn't planned. I don't know what sadist would ever plan to have kids that close in age, other than a fundie who has a sister mom to pawn them off to. My husband stayed home for about 4 months until I could get things under control. Then, he got a new job, I quit my 2nd job and we figured out our new normal. It took us 4 years before we decided we actually wanted another.

TBH, I'd love to have one last, but it's probably not in the cards. The youngest will be old enough for school next year. We don't have to lug around diaper bags and car seats and crap anymore. (He is still in a booster, but that's light years easier than a car seat.) I do miss the stroller, though. Carrying cooler bags of lunch through the zoo when it's 94 degrees is not fun.

[Soldier of the One]

Paganhomeschooler: thanks for that truthful and enlightening account. Can't believe the chutzpah of random strangers making judgment calls like that. Ugh. There really is a very narrow band of 'Getting It Right', huh?

I think 4 kids is absolutely acceptable. I'd love to have 4 but am aiming for 3. I might be too old at this point! :lol:

Also... 'paganhomeschooler'? I just *have* to ask. I know it's a bit of a threadjack but... what kind of paganism do you practice and how do you combine that with your homeschooling and the general homeschooling community? Awesome!

[Katiebug]

Some people will feel entitled or qualified to comment on your plans to either stay at home or return to work. I had SO MANY of my colleagues say something like, "So, are you going to be a stay at home mom? My wife gave up her career so that our kids wouldn't be in some daycare being raised by strangers." Then I got to grit my teeth and say that no, I'd be one of those women returning to work and putting her kid in some daycare to be raised by strangers. Even in social situations it was very common for the older generation to just assume that OF COURSE we'd have me SAH, even though at the time my income was double that of my husband.

My younger colleagues with kids - say in their mid-40s or younger - typically have wives who were either working moms when their kids were young or were only home for a year or two, so I didn't get those kinds of comments from most of them. And it was fun to watch my male peers without kids treat me like a ticking time bomb after around 34 weeks or so - it was like they thought I would suddenly go into labor in a meeting and give birth in my cubicle. :lol:

One or two of the guys were a little overly-familiar when it came to asking about contractions, dilation, plans for pain meds during labor, etc. but they tended to be the ones who loved telling the horror stories about their wives' labors. I remember one particularly awkward moment when our VP asked me if I was going to breastfeed and he told me in great detail about his wife's breastfeeding difficulties before telling me to just use formula rather than even trying (I exclusively breastfed, and Little Bug weaned shortly after her 2nd birthday).

A coworker of mine with 8 kids - they're fundie/fundie lite and were all homeschooled, naturally - still likes to get little digs in about being a working mom. :roll: He's never so overt as to give me reason to go to HR with a complaint, but he knows it pushes my buttons.

[2xx1xy1JD]

The only really intrusive comment about my after-birth plans actually came from a family court judge. I was in his court all the time, so he had softened up and I had stopped being scared of his "angry judge" routine. On one of my last days there before the birth, he asked (after the clients had left the court) about my due date and plans after the baby, and expressed approval that I planned to stay home for several months. (No, he's no longer on the bench.)

[Green Glass]

I've really enjoyed reading this post. I am in my 20s, single and childless, and it bothers me when people act like my life isn't "real" because I'm not married with kids. I don't like the idea that the crowning, be-all end-all achievement of women is to have children. Now I don't have a problem with an individual woman who thinks that about herself, but I do have a problem when someone wants to apply that to all other women.

[Gertie]

Congrats Soldier on the arrow :)

I find society's expectation that I *should* be getting pregnant a bit disturbing at times. One day a few months after I got married, one of my male colleagues said "hey Gertie, we've been discussing it amongst ourselves, and we can tell you're pregnant because your boobs are bigger." I must have had a look of shock on my face because another guy piped up "don't worry, men often notice it before the women do." Another time one of them called me over to see a picture of me (side profile) he'd taken that morning as I walked through the office. The shape of my belly "proved" that I was pregnant. (I wasn't, either time. And I hadn't had a boob job either...!)