Abigail is an Emotional Orphan

[Mountain Girl]

Someone should create a super sarcastic post to her about how they sympathise with her because they were also abused as a child....but theirs being things like being beaten with a piece of pipe, left home alone for days at the age of 5 while their parents went out drinking, told by their parents that they are the worst child ever, stupid and worthless, fed only dog food...I dont suppose it would make her think and realise that her parents were not abusive and it could be worse though

She would just commiserate and assure the commenter that she knows exactly how they feel.

[formergothardite]

My mother had a whole pile of kids and she never sat on the front porch sipping blackberry tea with any of us.

[C birdie]

this is soo insulting to the children of an alcoholic mother, sometimes daycare was a relief. my brother and i still live with the emotional shit she heaped on us when my dad was at work, some of which actually included how we weren't the children she'd always wanted, and we were the reason she had to live the type of life she never wanted, some days i was sooo grateful that i got to leave. How dare she compare a loving parent making sound choices to emotional abuse.

[Austin]

This woman is a professional collector of hurts. It is just not possible for a normal, part time collector of insults to come up with this crap. It takes a professional, full time person to fabricate this bullshit and then whine about it.

That's quite insightful. Thanks for articulating this. I know some people like this and it's pretty crystal clear.

[Deleted03]

And since when were mistakes always bad? My grandpa was an oops, a very treasured birth control failure. Same with my siblings. Just because a child isn't planned doesn't mean that they aren't special and wanted because the parents choose to keep them.

I've heard from a teen from a QF family that she felt sort of just there. She wasn't wanted or not wanted, she wasn't planned or not planned, she just happened.

well maybe surprise would be a better wording. mistake is a negative word. I don't know, it is stupid to attribute stuff to birth control (come on it's not even choices about your body! and newsflash if they had been more open to a lot of kids most probably you would have never come along because when you were conceived she might have been BF or pregnant, so chances to make you!)

But characterizing a kid as a mistake is just wrong IMO.

[Guest Anonymous]

Abigail is a melodramatic idiot.

[GeoBQn]

There were 12 babies, for 12 hours a day, with only 2 caregivers. "Six babies per caregiver is an excellent ratio," I am told.

A Quiverful family can easily surpass that ratio--especially if the father is not expected to have caregiving duties.

[Sister Mozz]

This woman has NO idea about emotional abuse and it's insulting to those who have actually suffered at the hands of their parents that she pretends to.

QFT.

[snarkbillie]

well maybe surprise would be a better wording. mistake is a negative word. I don't know, it is stupid to attribute stuff to birth control (come on it's not even choices about your body! and newsflash if they had been more open to a lot of kids most probably you would have never come along because when you were conceived she might have been BF or pregnant, so chances to make you!)

But characterizing a kid as a mistake is just wrong IMO.

I was told I was a "mistake" when I was growing up. While my kids were unplanned (bc failure) they were not "mistakes". I didn't make a "mistake" when I slept with their dad, I didn't make a "mistake" when I decided not to abort. They are people, not mistakes. A person is never a mistake.

[emmiedahl]

A Quiverful family can easily surpass that ratio--especially if the father is not expected to have caregiving duties.

Actually, more than 4 infants to a caregiver is against the daycare licensing in the states I am familiar with and 3:1 is what is recommended. Info here: http://voices.yahoo.com/the-insanity-ch ... 12922.html

I am the type of mom to sit on the porch and drink blackberry tea, but then I am a working mother, pro-choice, and pro-sterilization when you feel done with your childbearing years. Also, I don't think my tea-drinking ways make me a good mom. There are many ways to spend time with someone.

[AnnieC 305]

A Quiverful family can easily surpass that ratio--especially if the father is not expected to have caregiving duties.

I give you J'chelle for example, before the girls got old enough to care for the next one.

You know, I can kind of sympathize given that I no longer speak to my mother. But then my mother told me to my face that I was conceived in marital rape, that she wanted to abort me but my Grandmother literally paid her to have me and then paid her to stay home and raise me until I started first grade, that she was royally pissed that she didn't get to move out once I started school like she planned (Grandma was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma when I was 2, we lost her when I was 8) and that it was my fault that all three of her marriage failed. This includes it being my fault that my father had an affair while I was in utero, my not being willing to sleep with my step-father while I was in high school to "keep him around" and my husband and I getting restraining orders on step-father #2 after he threatened us at gunpoint for Thanksgiving 2004.

That said, I'm not whining about it. I have the World's Greatest Mother-in-law whom I absolutely adore and admire. A MIL who got her Master's while raising two boys and working full time and who has been successfully married to my equally amazing FIL for 30+ years and who is now shooting for her PhD. (I wanna be my MIL when I grow up. ;) ) And I love my husband madly and I truly enjoy my life.

Now I'm willing to cut her some slack because maybe this all just hit her (Mom told me all that too my face on Christmas about three years ago) but really, get therapy, count your blessings and move on. Just because your parents sucked that doesn't mean you can't have a good life.

[amydamy]

Wow, I'm emotional orphan and I never knew it. :o

My mom took birth control and had me five years after marriage. Not only that, but she got herself sterilized after my brother was born. I was a difficult child. My parents have told me that if they knew just how difficult, they wouldn't have had my siblings. I was such an unwanted burden. My parents sent me to public school too. Think of all the siblings I lost over the years because my mom took birth control! And maybe she had secret abortions too I never knew about!

Me too. I never sat on a front porch with my mother and I never drank blackberry tea. I missed out on so much. :cry: I never believed I was a gift given to my parents either.

Okay, on to more serious matters:

I call bullshit. I got all sorts of "bad me" stories from my teachers, but a hard working straight A student only getting bad reports from every teacher. Major bullshit.

I was told I was clumsy because I am it was always more in a be careful type of way. I still get it to this day because i still can barely walk straight.

I have also never sat on a porch and sipped tea with my mom. I have sat on a porch swing while reading with my grandma does that count or am I an emotional orphan too ? I was with my grandma because we spent summers with her while my mom worked.

[Trynn]

This pisses me off. As someone who WAS emotionally abused as a child (by my father, who I largely love anyway, but don't feel comfortable being with at times.)

You know what you stupid bitch? You know what I thought when I found out mom stopped using Birth control so she could have me? I was crushed because my parents chose to have me, and frankly, I wish they'd gotten therapy first because I HATE the fact that I was born! I WISH my mother believed in abortion. I wish she would've aborted ME.

And you know what Abigale? Not having siblings for the first 7 years of my life did not damage me. Sure I wanted siblings, but what DID damage me is the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my parent. You know, REAL emotional abuse. You know what I would have suffered if my mom hadn't used birth control? Starvation, that's what. My dad lost his job (through no fault of his own; there's actually a good case to make that he was fired for his disability). My mom had to go to work because my father had NO JOB. Finances were tight. My mom had to go to work to help support us, but finances were way too tight for another pregnancy/child.

You know what mom did with me when she went to work? She found a babysitter. (Because I was NOT doing well in daycare. At all. I'm not sure 100% why; I just wasn't a child who did well in a daycare setting. Not all do, not all don't.)

Putting a child in daycare/home care does NOT constitute abuse. Being told you're stupid and worthless and a bitch all the time DOES. Yes, I know I haven't had it as hard as some people. A Lot of people have worse stories than I do. However, your fuckin little sob story doesn't do ANYTHING but piss me off that you are taking a serious problem that a lot of people have and trying to believe it applies to you WHEN IT DOESN'T.

Parents using Birth control is not abuse. Parents getting an abortion is not abuse. Day care in and of ITSELF is not abusive. Why don't you come on here and I'LL SHOW YOU REAL ABUSE!

[OkToBeTakei]

I give you J'chelle for example, before the girls got old enough to care for the next one.

You know, I can kind of sympathize given that I no longer speak to my mother. But then my mother told me to my face that I was conceived in marital rape, that she wanted to abort me but my Grandmother literally paid her to have me and then paid her to stay home and raise me until I started first grade, that she was royally pissed that she didn't get to move out once I started school like she planned (Grandma was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma when I was 2, we lost her when I was 8) and that it was my fault that all three of her marriage failed. This includes it being my fault that my father had an affair while I was in utero, my not being willing to sleep with my step-father while I was in high school to "keep him around" and my husband and I getting restraining orders on step-father #2 after he threatened us at gunpoint for Thanksgiving 2004.

That said, I'm not whining about it. I have the World's Greatest Mother-in-law whom I absolutely adore and admire. A MIL who got her Master's while raising two boys and working full time and who has been successfully married to my equally amazing FIL for 30+ years and who is now shooting for her PhD. (I wanna be my MIL when I grow up. ;) ) And I love my husband madly and I truly enjoy my life.

Now I'm willing to cut her some slack because maybe this all just hit her (Mom told me all that too my face on Christmas about three years ago) but really, get therapy, count your blessings and move on. Just because your parents sucked that doesn't mean you can't have a good life.

AnnieC305 That sounds pretty rough. I admire the fact you have moved on with your life and found happiness. Your MIL sounds just great.

Don't feel sorry for this pathetic person. This is going to sound strange. She WANTS to be you. She WANTS to be an emotionally abused child. She's not. She's just trying to find an excuse in the great blame of blame of life where none exists, she feels like she is missing out.

It would not surprise me in the least if the story of her Mother and her not talking was more to do with the Mother having had enough at some point. Who knows.

Carry on with the good life. :D

[snarktastic]

Dear Abigail,

How about YOU pray for my father who has no siblings - because his siblings died when they were babies? And who was living away from his parents at AGE FIVE because Hitler was bombing our cities?

[Arete]

An even bigger tool than Michelle Duggar and more deluded than Zsu. This woman needs a straight jacket and a nice quiet room. Seriously, no sympathy here. None.

[Patsy]

No, now fuck off.

:lol:

[Jana814]

G-d this woman really has some issues!! I just was reading through some of her blog. Her mother made a decision that was RIGHT for her, maybe she wanted her daughter to see that a woman can do anything. My mother gave up her job as a teacher in the NYC public school system when she had me. One of many reason why she gave up her job is that it would have taken her 2 hours each way to get to and from work. She could not get a teaching job in New Jersey because she was not certified to do so. Then 2 years later she had my sister, in 1985 she started working at our temple's pre-school, and has been their ever since. She made the decision that was right for our family and others are doing the same thing. I have a HUDGE problem when women/or men put other women down for the decisions that they make for their families.

[Jinger Jar]

Every year the first writing assignment I give my high school students is an autobiographical piece exploring the experience or moment in their lives when they realized their families no longer saw them as children. I have to mentally steel myself to read those papers, and I usually have to decompress with a gin and tonic (or three) while I tell me husband about some of the more colorful events my students choose to share with me.

Kids have told me about their dads letting them make their first drug deal when they were 12. Kids whose parents were proud when they became a third generation gang member. Grandmothers who decided that their 14-year-old granddaughter could pass for 21 and presented her with her first fake ID so she could buy grandma her booze. Foster parents who thought a 15-year-old was man enough to tell his little brother that they were being separated and would be living in different group homes.

Six years ago one student wrote about the time her mother's boyfriend hit on her as she was making dinner, and when she told her mom, her mom tried to kill her. Mom's intent was to slit her throat, but because she was too high or too drunk to be coordinated, she nearly sliced her daughter's arm off instead. The girl had huge keloid that ran over her should and down past her elbow as a reminder of her mother's love. Mom told her family that she saw her daughter, who was nine at the time, as a sexual rival for this guy.

So yeah, Abigail... Sorry, but I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for the horrors of your childhood.

[lilwriter85]

That entire posting pissed me off and I agree with others it pretty much shits on people who were physically and emotionally abused by their parents. Abigial isn't a victim of abuse and it pisses me off that she uses the orphan term. Her parents seemed to value education and career in addition to their family. She wrote that her dad was getting his PhD when she was an infant and her mom was the breadwinner. I know several couples who are or have been in similar situations. A friend of mine is the breadwinner for her family because her husband is in pharmacy school now. Her and her husband do their best for their children and I would never label them abusers.

[lilwriter85]

From the comments section

Blogger Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I have no words. I just love you. And I love that you have found your Mother. God is so good.

Blogger Abigail said...

Thank you!

Kat--I think all things work together for God's purpose for him that believes. I know that at the very least, I would not be such a strong Catholic without this cross. My husband and I had no workable pattern for family life, so we had to model directly from the Holy Family. Now we are quickly moving towards holiness and becoming very, very joyful.

I would say a very simple prayer to Mary, the Mother of God--"Mary, be my mother too." The prayer I said as a 25 year old Protestant was "I don't know who this Mary person is or what she does but if she's for world peace count me in!"

There are great saints who adore our Blessed Mother. Blessed John Paul II, Mother Teresa (Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta) and Louis De Montfort. When you're ready, St. Louis De Montfort has a powerful program called "A Total Dedication to Jesus Through Mary" It's 30 days of prayers that list all the beautiful names of Mary.

Also, just simplicity. Carry a rosary around your wrist when you do your housework like Mother Teresa. Say a Hail Mary at night with your husband. Get yourself invested with a brown scapular. I hug mine with my hand at night when I drift off to sleep like a security blanket.

Abigial has pissed me for awhile with how she talks/use the Virgin Mary on her blog. My mom is Catholic and considers Mary an important figure for woman, but my mom would be disgusted with how Abigial and some of these hardcore Catholics use Mary as a way of crapping on their mothers.

[Gil]

I don't know how many siblings I've lost due to abortion and birth control. I have no particulars facts --but I have experienced the after effects, strong psychological abuse.

I've lost around 80 potential children to not having sex that would result in conception. I bet I could sell a memoir about being a grieving mother and make millions off of fundies.

I'm amused by Abigail's belief that she's been psychologically tortured by the vague possibility that her mother could have had an abortion. She has no particular facts, but she definitely could have maybe had an aborted sibling because her mother got prenatal tests. Tragic!

edit for riffles

[singsingsing]

Leila at Little Catholic Bubble is a piece of work unto herself, so I'm not surprised she thinks Abigail is amazing and wonderful.

Abigail is sick. I have never encountered a person more desperate to be abused, attacked, and hated. If she were only hurting herself, whatever, but she has five children and is trying to have more. If she weren't so self-absorbed she might look at her own poor relationship with her mother, and realize that she is hurting her own children and setting them up for future issues with her. But she won't. Because, in her own words, she is "quickly moving toward holiness"! Too bad the rest of her family are victims of her narcissism and emotional instability, in the name of Jesus and Mommy Mary. :x

[Kitty]

Okay, no parent is perfect. Maybe there's more to this snowflakes story than being told her younger brother barely avoided being aborted, and being stuck in daycare. Maybe these were just symptoms of real batshit crazy in her mother's part. But whatever that crazy was, it was probably not emotional abuse. That term does not apply to being sent to daycare, either.

I was sent to public school from age four, I think I'm fine. What an idiot.

Oh, and I've probably "lost" dozens of "children" to birth control and abstinence, and I'm only 20. Pray for me as I say goodbye to the latest unfertilized egg.

[JesusFightClub]

Exactly, valsa.

My parents waited until I was nine to tell me properly "You know we told you Grandpa was just sick and he died? I'm really sorry but he killed himself on purpose."

You wait until the kid is old enough to handle it and then you say. You obviously don't tell a child that when you think they're not ready to handle a concept. It's nothing at all to do with psychological abuse.

Two of my cousins have had to hear "I'm afraid, sweetheart, the baby wasn't born...alive" about their brothers and sisters. It is an occasion where some things happen. (In one case a miscarriage and in one case an emergency c-section and the baby wasn't approaching viable when she was looked at - at 32 weeks). It's a sad thing, but if the worst that ever happened to you was the completely innocent act of having a mother that is pro choice and puts you in daycare, you have pretty much no case at all to feel traumatised.

They ought to meet my mum anyway. She outrivals this bloke on the matter http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Singer :lol: