Sharing Bedrooms

[debrand]

Did we discuss this article? It sounds familiar but the article was published just a few days ago.

When I was growing up the "norm" was that every child deserved his or her own room. Today I am filled with tremendous sadness for children who must endure such poverty

.

I know plenty of parents whose children share rooms. My sons shared a room as did my daughters. Only when we moved to our current house did our kids get their own room. When I was a kid, I shared a room with my siblings also. It wasn't a big deal but I would rather have had my own room.

When a baby is born, we quickly put our precious little one into a crib, away from the loving, cuddling protection of devoted parents. We even place this crib into an entirely separate room within the house--away from Mom and Dad.

We are told to avoid every natural instinct of togetherness with our babies and toddlers, being cautioned that we will somehow harm them with our warmth and affection. The sooner we can push them away from dependence upon us, their biological parents, the better-off they will be (at least this is the general consensus).

Does this woman live in the real world? I've never heard anyone say anything remotely similar to this. Yes, some people don't sleep in the same room as their child but they still cuddle and love their children. They don't push them away from them. Although I do think that it is good to foster independence, you don't have to be cold and distant to do so.

not surprisingly they attach themselves to the preschool "teacher" who will listen, play and cuddle them, and as a result, we miss out on one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer--bonding with our own children

But your children can bond with more than one person and still love you. They can enjoy being with their teacher and you too.

We section off our homes and keep our children from sharing life with one another. They may rarely touch or even interact, especially following the emergence of social-networking and the never-ending flow of a plethora of other electronic gizmos. They go to different schools, have separate friends, interests, and often belittle and shun each other in contemporary social settings, including at church.

I have four kids. Although they have their arguments with one another, they generally like each other. I liked my baby brother and sister also. My sister was five years younger than me but I always thought she was the most adorable kid. Somehow public school didn't make me hate my siblings. I've both homeschooled and sent my kids to public school. They liked one another. Sometimes my girls will sit cuddled up together on the couch.

Really, does this woman live in the real world? She seems to be describing a fantasy world and not reality.

Does she really believe that the outside world is such an unfriendly and cold place or that all parents are detatched from their kids?

Yes, there are siblings who hate each other. Sometimes this is the fault of the parents who favor one child over the other or compare their children. However, sometimes kids just have personality conflicts. The parents can keep the kids from expressing their dislike or even feeling guilty that they don't like their siblings, but they can't control their kids' emotions.

•We always endeavored to put an older and more responsible sibling in with a couple of smaller children. This leads to more security for the tiny ones, and enhanced maturity on the part of the older child. We have never had an older son or daughter complain.

Dish pans bought for saving treasures

•Sometimes we have made an effort to couple children together that got along well, and at other times we've purposely separated those children that were exclusive so that they would build better relationships with other family members. In every case, we had the final word, no matter whether the children understood or not.

I have a feeling that the first point is to make certain that the younger child doesn't bother mom or dad. Big sister or brother probably cares for them in the middle fo the night. Why would you put kids that obviously disliked one another in the same room if you don't have to do so?

[debrand]

ladyofvirtue.blogspot.com/2012/10/large-family-matters-sharing-bedrooms.html

[OkToBeTakei]

How strange debrand, I was just reading her blog not 5 minutes ago. She is a piece of work.

My favourite is in the 'About Me' section when she discusses bullies/relatives in relation to homeschooling.

She is the type that makes me want to eat my own fungal toenails, so I left. For my own sanity :D

[Guest Anonymous]

The Ferber and Babywise methods are both pretty extreme and Babywise can even result in death. Both are meant to foster independence, even when it means leaving a baby alone for several hours to cry alone.

[debrand]

How strange debrand, I was just reading her blog not 5 minutes ago. She is a piece of work.

My favourite is in the 'About Me' section when she discusses bullies/relatives in relation to homeschooling.

She is the type that makes me want to eat my own fungal toenails, so I left. For my own sanity :D

The way that she views the outside world is strange. She seems to believe that everyone else is ignoring their kids. Although I didn't cosleep, I carried my children everywhere and fed on demand. I also managed to encourage them to be independent without being distant to them.

[Irishy]

The Ferber and Babywise methods are both pretty extreme and Babywise can even result in death. Both are meant to foster independence, even when it means leaving a baby alone for several hours to cry alone.

Aren't the Pearl's method and Babywise quite similar? Oh you fundies... Hitting your infants with a swatch is hardly going to create a close bond. You hypocritical assholes.

[rock_girl]

I hate this push for babies through toddlers to sleep in their parents' room. Sure, there are some couples for whom this arrangement works fairly well and whose relationship isn't harmed by the constant presence of very small people, but I can't imagine it working for everyone.

Parents need down time, especially if one parent is doing a disproportionate amount of the child care.

[famof4]

When a baby is born, we quickly put our precious little one into a crib, away from the loving, cuddling protection of devoted parents. We even place this crib into an entirely separate room within the house--away from Mom and Dad.

We are told to avoid every natural instinct of togetherness with our babies and toddlers, being cautioned that we will somehow harm them with our warmth and affection. The sooner we can push them away from dependence upon us, their biological parents, the better-off they will be (at least this is the general consensus).

When I was raising my babies, this was the general consensus of the fundamentalist Christians not the general public.

They started out asking me when I was pregnant if I had made my babies schedule yet. When I did not blanket train my baby they wondered how I would ever have a bible study or meet with other mommies. When I breastfeed on demand, I was raising a spoiled selfish baby who was going to be fat, especially since I breastfeed past 6 weeks and even past 4 months. When I cuddled my baby to sleep they said my son would never learn to sleep through the night on his own. They told me that following what felt right and following my natural instincts was so wrong.

When all the consequences of the dire warnings of how my child was going to turn out did not come to pass, they started to question the truth in their method. Some changed but some held on to the old ways.

[caito]

I know a lot of people who are really into cosleeping and think it should work for everyone, regardless of their situation. I tried it when my daughter was an infant but it made me a complete wreck, I didn't sleep at all. She did sleep in the bassinet next to me for the first three months or so, but when we moved to a bigger apartment she started sleeping in her own room. Cosleeping just isn't for everyone, and it's still possible to have a close bond with your kid if they have their own room, and it's possible for siblings to be close if they have their own rooms.

[Rosa]

When I was raising my babies, this was the general consensus of the fundamentalist Christians not the general public.

They started out asking me when I was pregnant if I had made my babies schedule yet. When I did not blanket train my baby they wondered how I would ever have a bible study or meet with other mommies. When I breastfeed on demand, I was raising a spoiled selfish baby who was going to be fat, especially since I breastfeed past 6 weeks and even past 4 months. When I cuddled my baby to sleep they said my son would never learn to sleep through the night on his own. They told me that following what felt right and following my natural instincts was so wrong.

When all the consequences of the dire warnings of how my child was going to turn out did not come to pass, they started to question the truth in their method. Some changed but some held on to the old ways.

Yeah, this.

I loved cosleeping, until my kid got big enough that it didn't work for us anymore. Then we stopped. But I think the advocates are mostly coming from a position of defensiveness against that "don't pick that baby up he's just spoiled" school of parenting.

I used to be on a facebook mom's group that i gave up on because the few loudest and crunchiest (anti-vax! anti-fluoride! anti-daycare! anti-school!) were dominating it. But over and over they did one really amazing thing: women would log on because their mother/mother-in-law/husband was telling them to leave a colicky baby to cry for hours, or ignore a hungry baby so it would learn to wait, or spank a 1 year old for "disobedience", or nurse less so the baby wouldn't be fat, or diet down to pre-baby weight during an 8 week maternity leave, even if it meant reducing milk supply, because her husband deserved it. And the group would say, that's nonsense, pick the baby up as much as you want, you can't spoil an infant, don't hit a child for age-appropriate behavior, the baby will eat solids/sleep through the night when it is ready, you are doing a good job.

Sometimes that mommy tribalism is there for a reason, and part of the reason is that lots of us still live in communities that believe in scheduling, dominating, and beating babies.

[desertvixen]

We are told to avoid every natural instinct of togetherness with our babies and toddlers, being cautioned that we will somehow harm them with our warmth and affection. The sooner we can push them away from dependence upon us, their biological parents, the better-off they will be (at least this is the general consensus).

Only the Babywise, scheduling crowd.

We didn't co-sleep exclusively because my now-ex was very uncomfortable with it. So she had the bassinet for about four months, and then she moved into her room right next to ours. Place was small enough we didn't need a baby monitor. I used to do the early-morning nurse and go back to sleep deal.

To be honest,she has her own room and occasionally at 6 still sleeps with me. Not very often, because she is a kicker/bedhog and I have the cats fighting for space as well.

And yes, the BS we put on new mothers is ridiculous.

[formergothardite]

I swear when these people can't get any real persecution, they just make shit up.

[MamaJunebug]

I was one of those privileged/impoverished ones who had her own room from age 13-18, then had to have roomies in the uni dorm for a few years. When I married in my late 20s I hated, HATED having to share a bedroom! Not just because my The Spousal Unit is a cover hog and a slob. It just made no sense to me that having had a place of my own for a few years, decorated and maintained my way, with my things in their places, I should have to suddenly share not only a room but a bed.

Now I understand that lots of people love the easy access to their partner, the cuddling and the long, lazy chats before and after. But everybody needs his/her own space. Children are no exception. Do any of the privileged children sharing bedrooms have their own little corner, somewhere? Is that too much temptation to individuality, daydreaming, pursuit of books and who-knows-what-kinds-of-physical-activity?

Sounds to me like the blogger wants to excuse her own set-up and tries to guilt everybody else into her way.

(Not that it matters, but the last Junior having left the nest, I now have my own little room as described above. My relationship wtih my TSU has never been better, srsly.)

[2xx1xy1JD]

She's taking something that was kinda sorta true, once upon a time, and turning it into a gross over-generalization.

There really was a move toward "scientific mothering" in the late 1920s, when child rearing books sold to the general public warned against too much maternal affection. Instead, a more "scientific" approach based upon rigid schedules and a behavioralist approach to discipline was encouraged. This was the origin of the notion in general society (not just in the religious realm) that picking up a baby or cuddling too much would "spoil" the child.

Now, by the 1950s, things began to shift away from this rigid approach, with Dr. Spock. At the same time, though, it's true that breastfeeding was often discouraged and that post-war prosperity gave rise to the notion of children sleeping in their own beds in their own rooms.

By the time my daughter was born 13 years ago (happy birthday, kiddo), you had roughly 4 schools of thought:

Mainstream American parenting, as shown by the "What to Expect" series. Nurturing was seen as important, breastfeeding was acknowledged to be good in the early days, but there was also this concern about starting to wean on time, some fears about co-sleeping and a tendency to make everyone a neurotic mess.

Attachment parenting, as shown by "The Baby Book" and a slew of follow-up books by Dr. William and Martha Sears. They advised moms to stay home if possible, use a baby sling instead of a stroller, breastfeed, co-sleep, and generally be responsive to their babies while building emotional attachment through physical attachment. IME, some of these books and the attachment parenting groups tended to lump all "mainstream parenting" together and demonize it, without acknowledging that mainstream parents weren't all a bunch of cold-harded people who failed to have any attachment to their kids.

The opposite of the Attachment Parenting trend was the Babywise trend. Babywise IS fundie - it's just the version of Growing Kids God's Way that was designed for the mainstream market instead of the churches, and it has the basic philosophy that babies are full of selfish, evil urges that need to be tamed. That said, not all fundies like Babywise - there is a group of crunchy fundie moms that favor Attachment Parenting and really hate Babywise.

Finally, you have what I call Bad Advice From Grandparents Holdover Parenting. This is what you get when your parents or grandparents think that you are a crazy hippie and start parroting the advice that THEY got as parents. [in my case, this meant commenting on my "primitive" parenting and getting the latest in baby advice from 1971 including how to precisely feed a baby 4 oz of formula, exactly every 4 hours, and having her developing fits of anxiety and confusion when I said, "there are no bottles - I just breastfeed on demand".]

Co-sleeping isn't a bad idea, and some babies/kids really do need another warm body around in order to feel comfortable and sleep at night.

[alysee]

I swear when these people can't get any real persecution, they just make shit up.

QFT!

[SayNoToMullets]

I know a lot of people who are really into cosleeping and think it should work for everyone, regardless of their situation. I tried it when my daughter was an infant but it made me a complete wreck, I didn't sleep at all. She did sleep in the bassinet next to me for the first three months or so, but when we moved to a bigger apartment she started sleeping in her own room. Cosleeping just isn't for everyone, and it's still possible to have a close bond with your kid if they have their own room, and it's possible for siblings to be close if they have their own rooms.

My sister and I had our own rooms growing up, and we actually chose to have "slumber parties" where one of us would sleep on the floor of the other's room (usually she would come to my room, since she was kind of private about her room). My parents had to limit it to weekends, because we'd stay up all night talking if we could! But I guess that doesn't qualify as a close sibling relationship :roll:

[linnea27]

As others have said, I have seen this behaviour as described- by fundies, no one else. How many times have we heard about fundies whipping or hitting nabies for normal behaviours? LiaS putting 6 week old babies in the care of older siblings at night? Rants that attachment parenting creates lazy, willfil children? that women who cosleep are risking their marriage and disrespecting their husbands? Babywise? The Pearls?

What you are describing happens in your magic special fundie world, and not (as much) in the mainstream world.

[mypsychoticself]

The idea that sharing a room creates closeness is really strange to me, since having separate rooms (after sharing for years) really improved my relationship with my sister. And she would come sleep in my bed with me when she got scared at night, regardless of whether we shared a room.

[BlueChair]

She's taking something that was kinda sorta true, once upon a time, and turning it into a gross over-generalization.

There really was a move toward "scientific mothering" in the late 1920s, when child rearing books sold to the general public warned against too much maternal affection. Instead, a more "scientific" approach based upon rigid schedules and a behavioralist approach to discipline was encouraged. This was the origin of the notion in general society (not just in the religious realm) that picking up a baby or cuddling too much would "spoil" the child.

Now, by the 1950s, things began to shift away from this rigid approach, with Dr. Spock. At the same time, though, it's true that breastfeeding was often discouraged and that post-war prosperity gave rise to the notion of children sleeping in their own beds in their own rooms.

By the time my daughter was born 13 years ago (happy birthday, kiddo), you had roughly 4 schools of thought:

Mainstream American parenting, as shown by the "What to Expect" series. Nurturing was seen as important, breastfeeding was acknowledged to be good in the early days, but there was also this concern about starting to wean on time, some fears about co-sleeping and a tendency to make everyone a neurotic mess.

Attachment parenting, as shown by "The Baby Book" and a slew of follow-up books by Dr. William and Martha Sears. They advised moms to stay home if possible, use a baby sling instead of a stroller, breastfeed, co-sleep, and generally be responsive to their babies while building emotional attachment through physical attachment. IME, some of these books and the attachment parenting groups tended to lump all "mainstream parenting" together and demonize it, without acknowledging that mainstream parents weren't all a bunch of cold-harded people who failed to have any attachment to their kids.

The opposite of the Attachment Parenting trend was the Babywise trend. Babywise IS fundie - it's just the version of Growing Kids God's Way that was designed for the mainstream market instead of the churches, and it has the basic philosophy that babies are full of selfish, evil urges that need to be tamed. That said, not all fundies like Babywise - there is a group of crunchy fundie moms that favor Attachment Parenting and really hate Babywise.

Finally, you have what I call Bad Advice From Grandparents Holdover Parenting. This is what you get when your parents or grandparents think that you are a crazy hippie and start parroting the advice that THEY got as parents. [in my case, this meant commenting on my "primitive" parenting and getting the latest in baby advice from 1971 including how to precisely feed a baby 4 oz of formula, exactly every 4 hours, and having her developing fits of anxiety and confusion when I said, "there are no bottles - I just breastfeed on demand".]

Co-sleeping isn't a bad idea, and some babies/kids really do need another warm body around in order to feel comfortable and sleep at night.

This is kind of a tangent, but I had no idea Babywise was so mainstream. I've been reading the blog of a mother of quadruplets who is instituting it with her infant quads. I understand the need for sleep and sanity on the part of the parents, but, um, they were premies! Born months early! And then a chorus of other mothers of high order multiples join in on the comments about how she needs to start cracking the whip and get those babies all sleeping through the night. :(

[emmyfair]

My boys (6 & 3) share a room because they like it and don't want to be alone at night. My daughter (2) has her own room because every. freaking. little. noise. wakes her up. I think the concept that choices can be made because they are logical and work for the family boggle the average fundie and enrage the extreme ones. All black and white. To them, because my daugther needs her own space to sleep, she's gowing to grow into an illiterate axe murdering harlot, never mind the fact that she slept by my bed until she was 13 months because it was easier for me to feed her.

Fundies and common sense = oil and water.

[kb2]

Maybe she's surrounded by fundie-lights? So to her, they're heathens who don't know God as well as she does, but to us, they're all religious zealots.

[snarkbillie]

This is kind of a tangent, but I had no idea Babywise was so mainstream. I've been reading the blog of a mother of quadruplets who is instituting it with her infant quads. I understand the need for sleep and sanity on the part of the parents, but, um, they were premies! Born months early! And then a chorus of other mothers of high order multiples join in on the comments about how she needs to start cracking the whip and get those babies all sleeping through the night. :(

I wonder if a lot of this "babywise" stuff is popular because so many men do not help out with the babies at night. Yeah I had to get up and breastfeed but my husband got up too and did the rocking back to sleep when I was just too tired. He got up with me and helped change diapers, got me ice water, held the baby while I went to the bathroom, etc. His attitude was it took two to make it, and two to care for it. I definitely was not as exhausted as my friends who had babies around the same time, because I had a lot of help.

[Maude]

I've always been incredibly introverted and OCD, so sharing a room was a no-go for me (believe me, it was tried). I also have scars to prove that my sisters and I interacted with each other despite technology (though it wasn't quite as advanced as it is today). All this woman is doing is comparing extremes.

[contrary]

I'm confident that I can live with the certain fallout from my two young daughters sharing a room at their own request.

I am already dealing with the fallout of cosleeping for two years, as evidenced by my strong urges to nuzzle children's foreheads several times a day.

Pray for me.

[1CrazyMama]

I have 3 children, 2 girls and a boy, and while we have tried several times to put the girls together it ends up in a screaming match and one of us parents close to the looney bin every single time. We finally gave up and my husband lost his home office so that they can be separate and it has helped tremendously. They like to have sleep overs on the weekend and cuddle, but they each have their own space that is just for them when they need it.

Of course my oldest is also special needs which would never happen in magical fundie land, but I don't understand how having your own space and plenty of attention from your parents makes you deprived and "poor".