Lourdes is Divorcing Nolan

[Sobeknofret]

I am not sure why anyone is shocked by this. The marriage was a bad idea from the start. Lourdes went from being raised to believe she is a man’s servant, i.e. to Dougie and Family, to finding the strength to get away from the tool. She then falls right back into the idea that a woman needs a man to survive by getting married before she had a chance to think things through. The time between when she got away from Dougie and married isn’t really that long. I also agree with another poster who said that the marriage may have been to make Lourdes a respectable woman in the eyes of the public. Nolan posting a lot while they were married was a bad idea as well, especially in light of the lawsuit. If you, or in this case wife, are in the middle of a lawsuit, you need to keep your internet presence to the minimum. Lawyers do look up opposing parties on social media.

I'm not surprised, just a little sad for them. I'm a hopeless romantic though, and hoped against hope that they'd make it. :cry:

[crocodale]

Yeah, I never understood the excitement here about the marriage when it first happened. It seemed fairly rushed, neither had really lived as independent adults, and both were going through a huge transition in their lives. It seemed to have disaster written all over it.

This isn't meant as a character critique of either Lourdes or Nolan. Both have plenty of valid reasons to have issues and still need to work through things. I just don't think a lifelong commitment to someone else needs to be thrown in while still figuring all of these things out. I really do wish the best for both of them though (and big props to them for being responsible with birth control. Sarah Jane-- take note.)

I agree with Nausicaa25. I was concerned when Lourdes married Nolan, as IMO she hadn't had a chance to experience life outside the Tooliverse and (again IMO only) she hadn't had a chance to work out who she really was. I was worried that the pressure would be on Nolan to be the new centre of her universe. I didn't post at the time as I didn't want to be interpreted as victim-blaming or being less than supportive of Lourdes. I just feel that she didn't have time to heal or get the counselling and help anyone coming out of that situation would have needed.

Nolan's videos are so full of pain and so intense and overwhelming. Almost manic. I think they would be frightening for Lourdes, at the very least.

I just wish for both of them to have space and support to get decent counselling and help.

[Coco]

The more I think about this the more angry it makes me. Not at Nolan or Lourdes, but at the whole fucking homeschooling/umbrella of protection/daughters belonging to daddy bullshit that fundies embrace. They fail their kids in so many ways. They can't use deductive reasoning, they can't separate or even identify their feelings because they're not supposed to have them; they repress everything for the sake of being godly. Men are raised to be 'galant knights' with one way to do everything. There is no individuality, no personal relationship, no feelings, no emotions, no thought. It's all robotic, following the rules, removing your brain and heart bullshit. When you are not allowed to even trust your own feelings and are made to feel shameful for so much and bury everything, how can you possibly trust someone else? How can you possibly get outside yourself enough to even learn? When you bury all emotion, you bury yourself. It would take an act of their god directly to get outside that and be able to function within a healthy relationship. Neither one of them knows a damn thing about themselves, how could they possibly have made a marriage work?

Of course people not raised in that world make short marriages and make mistakes. That's because life is full of mistakes and making choices and dealing with consequences. It's so much bigger for those coming out of that world though. They don't know how to cope at all and everything is a jumble of...well, probably some sort of crazy within their minds since their realities are upended and twisted and turned.

I'm incredibly sad for Nolan and Lourdes and incredibly angry and pissed at the patriarchy bullshit that fundies embrace and saddle their kids with for life. It's disgusting.

So many lies the kids in the cult have to believe, for so many years. Every decision made for them, every moment planned by the cult authorities.

Standing alone takes incredible strength. Be strong, Nolan. You can come out the other side of this and be stronger. Don't feel bad for being honest because that means you are making your own life. Just please find some buddies to support you. Some guys who have your back, who've been through the hell of figuring out life after the cult. Maybe email the people who run Homeschoolers Anonymous, they've got to have contacts for every area, survivor groups.

[RosyDaisy]

This is why I refuse to reason and play nice with fundies. Every single one of them needs to be called out for the harm they have caused. Every single one of them should have to feel the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain and suffering they have caused. Lourdes and Nolan have suffered greatly. What has DPIATR and patriarchy suffered? Not much.

[WonderingInWA]

I'm only part way through the first video and I just wonder if she caught him masturbating. That would certainly be a trigger that would make her run. Just a thought.

[DarkAnts]

I hoped for the best for them. But I knew it would be hard. They are both coming out of a traumatic experience. The only way I could have seen this working is with lots of counseling. At this point, I think they both need time to heal and find out more about the,selves as individuals before getting into another relationship. They need counseling to help them process what happened. They need counseling to develope a tool box of coping strategies. Most of all they need counseling because it's a third party with a degree who can help them see what they need to work on as individuals.

[Coldwinterskies]

While I understand that some people may not want to spend a lot of time on back story, I do think that it helps more people participate in the conversation if we can give a brief explanation or background info on who these people are when a new thread starts. So many different fundies are discussed here that it is a lot of work to keep track of who is who. I had heard of Lourdes in the context of the lawsuit, but never knew she was married.

It seems like Lourdes is going through a lot of changes. Not surprising that she changed in a way that made her decide that this marriage isn't what she really wanted. It's similar to any young marriage - a lot of times as people get older they become a different person and realize what they wanted when they were young isn't what they really want now that they know themselves better.

[Palimpsest]

Nolan still has the videos up as of this morning. I do wish he'd take them down.

This is why I refuse to reason and play nice with fundies. Every single one of them needs to be called out for the harm they have caused. Every single one of them should have to feel the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain and suffering they have caused. Lourdes and Nolan have suffered greatly. What has DPIATR and patriarchy suffered? Not much.

As far as I know, no-one has ever asked anyone to "play nice" with Fundies. Far from it. Those who actively preach that crap should be called out with no holds barred.

I have certainly asked people to keep in mind that people who were born into Fundie families and are working their way out of the brain-washing are treated with consideration, understanding and within the context that they are cult survivors. As we are trying to do here in understanding that both Nolan and Lourdes are victims of Doug/BCA poison, even though they are adults.

For people working themselves out of Fundyism who come here -- call them out when necessary (they often stick their feet in their mouths), but logical argument and education are usually better than berating them, in my opinion. You may differ.

Note, I certainly do not grant the likes of Ken and Cabinetman that grace because they are still preaching the crap. Neither do I treat Jen Fishburne gently at all. She self-selected into Fundyism as an adult, is a proven vile and malicious nutcase, and still preaches a nasty form of patriarchal ugliness with definite kinist leanings on her blog.

[nokidsmom]

I agree with Nausicaa25. I was concerned when Lourdes married Nolan, as IMO she hadn't had a chance to experience life outside the Tooliverse and (again IMO only) she hadn't had a chance to work out who she really was. I was worried that the pressure would be on Nolan to be the new centre of her universe. I didn't post at the time as I didn't want to be interpreted as victim-blaming or being less than supportive of Lourdes. I just feel that she didn't have time to heal or get the counselling and help anyone coming out of that situation would have needed.

Nolan's videos are so full of pain and so intense and overwhelming. Almost manic. I think they would be frightening for Lourdes, at the very least.

I just wish for both of them to have space and support to get decent counselling and help.

Wow, I go away from FJ for a few days and come back to see this thread. Sad to hear it but not really surprised, to tell the truth. No doubt they cared for each other but I questioned if either were in a good place to get married what with the implosion of VF at the time, the revelations about Lourdes' abuse at DPIAT's hands and no doubt she had a lot of healing to do.

Nolan must take down those videos pronto and get real counseling. I understand completely that he's hurting and of course, he's entitled to vent, process, whatever he needs to do in order to heal from this marriage ending, but not publicly and certainly not talking to Jen. He obviously doesn't understand what Jen did in outing Lourdes and that she is NOT THEIR FRIEND. I fear that Nolan, albeit unwittingly, is victimizing Lourdes yet again with his public videos and confiding to Jen. These are the two worst things he can be doing.

[DomWackTroll]

Nolan still has the videos up as of this morning. I do wish he'd take them down.

As far as I know, no-one has ever asked anyone to "play nice" with Fundies. Far from it. Those who actively preach that crap should be called out with no holds barred.

I have certainly asked people to keep in mind that people who were born into Fundie families and are working their way out of the brain-washing are treated with consideration, understanding and within the context that they are cult survivors. As we are trying to do here in understanding that both Nolan and Lourdes are victims of Doug/BCA poison, even though they are adults.

For people working themselves out of Fundyism who come here -- call them out when necessary (they often stick their feet in their mouths), but logical argument and education are usually better than berating them, in my opinion. You may differ.

Note, I certainly do not grant the likes of Ken and Cabinetman that grace because they are still preaching the crap. Neither do I treat Jen Fishburne gently at all. She self-selected into Fundyism as an adult, is a proven vile and malicious nutcase, and still preaches a nasty form of patriarchal ugliness with definite kinist leanings on her blog.

This is why it made me crazy whenever I saw someone saying they "felt sorry" for Beall, whom they believed to be "brainwashed." Beall was a smart, educated, adult woman when she chose to marry Doug, yet when the scandal first broke, there were all kinds of comments like, "Let's not forget Beall's a victim, too." The hell she is!

Thankfully, time and continuing revelations have left Beall with very few supporters. She deserves whatever she gets.

[RosyDaisy]

I have nothing but sympathy for Lourdes and Nolan. As to the rest, I very much differ. These are people who are trying to create a theocracy. So, yeah, it's going to be no holds barred, going for the jugular from me.

[blessalessi]

I feel sad for both Lourdes and Nolan.

Nolan's videos ring serious fundie alarm bells for me though. Sure, I see him as victim but I think he is definitely crossing the perpetrator line too, after listening to both videos through, and not just in a "naive" lovestruck way.

I definitely think he is being misled by Jen Fishburne, but the fact that he began video #1 by crediting "my friend Jen Fishburne" out loud, when he knows far more than us how she was the first one to out Lourdes as DP's "other woman".... that doesn't endear him to me at all.

Also, the reference to "how many people would be sad if I shot myself today" leading into a spiel about the holocaust and the American Civil War. I see both vulnerability and heavy manipulation mixed up in all that.

Someone earlier mentioned concern about his self-esteem relating to the "crooked teeth" comment...no major worries for me there...he comes round to commenting on his own handsomeness by video #2.

And then, all the sadness and sorrow about how he hurt Lourdes, and it was all his fault that she became "less than the best Lourdes" and did something wrong too.... did you catch that, listeners: I won't tell you what she did WRONG as it was all my fault, I'll just mention it in passing.. ;)

And then the intense lecture on Nolan's Law, following the heavily drawn out parallel between the fault in his circuit board and the fault in his marriage...... oh me, oh my.

He describes his logical processing as his best quality,and as the the way he beats other people. Dear Lord, I just felt beaten over the head by his ego after listening to all that..... All other things aside, I can imagine how he and Lourdes were just two very different people who didn't really get to know each other until the marriage was well underway. :?

[Coco]

After listening to both of the videos i think he's going to be totally fine. He seems to be handling it okay. They just got married before they were grown up, imo. The videos are really cathartic for him, obviously, but it's like someone talking to themselves... he should keep them private for his own dignity, watching it seemed like reading someone's diary. There's no personal details in them except for him describing vaguely how he navigates difficulty, i do admire him for not going into any specific struggles, i think he kept that part off the video as a way to honor their relationship.

[Arete]

What I especially worry about with the Nolan/Jen connection is that Doug's lawyer could gain insight into how Lourdes may potentially react to certain lines of questioning or situations. I don't believe he could use specific quotes that came from Lourdes because of the rules governing hearsay, but Jen would be in a position to provide Doug's team with psychological insights into Lourdes by repeating what Nolan has shared with her.

Nolan, please, if you are reading here, stop seeing Jen. There are many wonderful, qualified counselors you can see who are not secretly trying to impress Phillips. Go see one of them, and protect Lourdes and yourself from people who do not have your interests at heart. You may not be able to save your marriage, but you have a chance to save the friendship by getting and listening to good, qualified counseling. I wish you peace and hope.

[DomWackTroll]

Lourdes posted a photo of her and Nolan. Together. Today.

facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1599949746956002&set=a.1375727192711593.1073741825.100008229752409&type=1&theater

[Maxwell]

Lourdes posted a photo of her and Nolan. Together. Today.

facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1599949746956002&set=a.1375727192711593.1073741825.100008229752409&type=1&theater

And she now lists her relationship status as Single... and there's no longer a life event about marriage. Similar changes on Nolan's page.

*Edited for spelling...

[DomWackTroll]

And she now lists her relationship status as Single... and there's no longer a life event about marriage. Similar changes on Nolan's page.

*Edited for spelling...

I'm just saying it might not be the wisest thing in the world to do when Nolan is in such a fragile mental state. Why give him hope if it's over?

[Firiel]

Oh boy... I just hope this isn't a start of another SarahJane-esque fiasco. That's the last thing either one of them needs.

[JillsFlowerHeadband]

Jen Fishburne needs to mind her own business and leave both Lourdes and Nolan alone.

I may have missed it... did she seek Nolan out and offer to counsel him through this? If so, the woman is a shark, seeking out someone who is obvioussly hurting and vulnerable and preying on them like that.

At any rate, that woman needs to stay out of this, Lourdes needs to be left alone to find her feet again, and Nolan needs a real counselor... a licensed one who has never been associated with this situation.

edit because autocorrect changed Fishburne to Fishbone... maybe more appropriate than I thought...

[DomWackTroll]

Oh boy... I just hope this isn't a start of another SarahJane-esque fiasco. That's the last thing either one of them needs.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

[DomWackTroll]

Jen Fishburne needs to mind her own business and leave both Lourdes and Nolan alone.

I may have missed it... did she seek Nolan out and offer to counsel him through this? If so, the woman is a shark, seeking out someone who is obvioussly hurting and vulnerable and preying on them like that.

At any rate, that woman needs to stay out of this, Lourdes needs to be left alone to find her feet again, and Nolan needs a real counselor... a licensed one who has never been associated with this situation.

edit because autocorrect changed Fishburne to Fishbone... maybe more appropriate than I thought...

Well, she does make us gag...

[socalrules]

I wish someone would tell Lourdes to set her FB to private. No one who is part of a lawsuit should ever have a public social media profile. It can be used against their later on.

[MamaJunebug]

Watched some of Nolan's latest video and what struck me were the similarities to my estranged husband - also an engineer. "I want to help her get better,". That's what mine simpered, way back when, in a counselor's session. He really considered ME the sum-total of ALL our problems (and still does).

And I know many say it's just hair-splitting but N's use of "I made mistakes" is NOT the same as "I acted badly" or even "I sinned". When I choose the wrong word from the auto-compose options or don't put a hyphen where there oughta to be one, that's a mistake.

When I speak or act in anger to bring my spouse down a peg, or yell or criticize, that's a choice I make and somewhere in my not-too-deep subconscious, I know acting that way to change the person to make him more suitable to me, Right. Here. Right. Now.

Because my sense of inappropriate pridefulness is taking over, telling me it's fine to act harshly to get what *I* want.

I'm not saying Nolan was the only one at fault. But he's the only addressing the situation on a globally public scale. Especially given his estranged wife's court situation, it would be much more self-respecting, not to mention loving toward her, of him to STFU on the topic.

Finally, OMFG, Jen Fishbone. That's all I'll say about that.

A sad and resounding "yes" to comments above on how the stench of DPIART's evil patriarsy will continue to damage the lives of people affected by it for untold years ahead. Talk about sin...

[Mary C Doates]

Lourdes posted a photo of her and Nolan. Together. Today.

facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1599949746956002&set=a.1375727192711593.1073741825.100008229752409&type=1&theater

She's also gone back to using her maiden name.

[DomWackTroll]

She's also gone back to using her maiden name.

It had not been changed when I posted this last night, nor had her relationship status.