Dealing with loss of faith

[Rachel333]

So this might not belong here--I'm not sure--but it is related to religion and, I suppose, fundie-ism. (Oh wait, there is a real word for that, isn't there--fundamentalism.) Anyway, I feel like I've talked too much about myself here, but in short I have a fundie-lite background, and have been heavily influenced by fundies. I've considered myself a liberal Christian for a while, but am just now coming to terms with the fact that I don't really believe in Christianity at all anymore. It really kind of sucks to lose your faith and I'm having a hard time with it right now. I mean, I've always had a hard time believing (according to my mom, this was true even since I was a toddler, which she found really frustrating), but I've always tried so hard to believe and it's only within the last few months that I've really allowed myself to accept that I might not believe at all. I'm dealing with a lot of religious guilt right now. I know it's illogical to think that I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God, but that's kind of where things are right now for me. Then there's the whole gay thing... I made out with a girl recently (I'm a girl, in case it wasn't clear) and it was awesome but then I kind of had a breakdown and cried to total strangers about how I was going to hell for being gay and because I didn't want to think about that anymore I ended up getting so drunk that I got brought home in a police car and have huge gaps in my memory from that night--that's never happened before. (I'm really quite drunk right now, actually; it might not seem that way, but thank God (uhhhhh) for spellcheck.) It's also weird to realize how much religion has affected the way I think about the world (for example, I grew up believing that the world would end within the next 20 or so years).

Fuck (ooh, there's something else to feel guilty about; I actually really like to swear), I didn't mean to make this all about me, really. I want to hear y'all's stories. For those who have also gone through a loss of faith, how did it happen and how did you deal with it? I actually had a really good conversation with a friend today about all this, but for the most part people don't seem to want to talk about these issues, and this seems like a good place to ask because everyone already thinks a lot about religion (that seriously took me about a dozen tries to spell right). Seriously, I'm so glad I found this place. I only started reading here because of the Duggar connection, but fundamentalism has fucked me up so much and I've really appreciated this community.

Fuck, I'm still making this about me, and I'm saying "fuck" a lot. Anyway...

TL;DR: I grew up super Christian and am now an atheist. If you had a similar transition or any thoughts on the matter at all, I really want to read your stories.

[JesusFightClub]

I was a Christian until I was 17 and then became an atheist and a Marxist.

My advice - just be chill about it. You don't have to make any sudden decisions. Sit and think, really examine your feelings. Reread the Bible if that will help you decide in one direction or the other. Pray if that will help you, too. No one else's opinions are important, even if it's your mum or dad. This is something you need to work out alone. Whatever conclusion you come to won't be the wrong one.

If you decide to stay in your religion, remember that many Biblical characters had crises of faith. It runs like a thread throughout the whole book. If you decide to leave, I am always happy to receive PM on this subject and I bet a lot of others would be too. I'll tell you my story via PM and hope to hear yours. It's a big challenge, Rachel, but I reckon you are tough enough to take it on.

[alba]

I grew up a pretty liberal Christian, but about 15 months ago I started to see belief in God as illogical. I struggled with this for a few months before finally accepting it.

One of the major reasons I struggled was because I was studying the Canterbury Tales at the time, and some of them really focus on mediaeval ideas about religion, including hell. Being a liberal Christian, I'd never really given much thought to the fire-and-brimstone hell, but being confronted with it at the time when I was just beginning to believe that *no* hell existed put me in a bit of a Pascal's wager frame of mind. I didn't *really* believe in God or hell, but there was a voice in the back of my mind (a voice I still can't always shut up) saying "But what if you're wrong?" It's like the voice that tells you as a kid there might be monsters under your bed. You *know* there aren't, but sometimes it's hard to accept that.

Another thing I struggled with was the idea of how God looks out for His children. I'd never really believed in all that "God's Plan" nonsense, but I felt comforted by the idea that God is omnipotent and will make everything work out if only you pray and trust in him. In retrospect, it's not only illogical and self-centred, but it's also very childish. It's like the way children believe their parents will always fix everything and make it better. All the same, it was hard to lose that because it made me feel very small and alone in the world.

On the other hand, the best bit is how liberating it is. I didn't suddenly start living a hedonistic lifestyle; in fact, my morals and lifestyle didn't change at all. The difference is I no longer felt guilty. I don't mean that as a Christian I walked around with this well of guilt in me, but there are things that I had decided were acceptable, like premarital sex, but occasionally I questioned whether or not they were *really* acceptable in God's eyes, and then I felt guilty. I've been an ardent feminist for as long as I can remember, but sometimes I read passages in the bible (particularly Paul the homophobic misogynist's writings) that made me wonder if maybe I really was a second-class citizen in the eyes of my God. Now, though, my morality is based in the same logic and understanding as it was before, but without the risk of my imaginary friend disagreeing with me.

On a side note, I recently read and found interesting this account of one woman's transition from hardcore fundie to atheist feminist: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfem ... ction.html

[dawbs]

Faith is a complicated thing and the loss of it isn't something to ignore, it's something to grieve.

There's a scale (someone can say what it is, I'm forgetting right now) that social workers and psychologists use to 'measure' the stress levels of peopole they work with.

Loss of faith gets as many 'points' on that scale as loss of a spouse.

You are having the bravery to deal w/ it head-on instead of pretending it isn't an issue, I applaud you for that.

The drinking is it's own concern,and I'd say that worries me at least as much as anything else you posted.

[kittypie]

How old are you?

I'm 54 and grew up fundie. I've had an on/off love/hate relationship with God since my late teens, and am currently feeling a bit adrift myself. Ive never really stopped believing in God, I guess I'd describe it as...disappointed? I also get disappointed in myself and feel such angst at my failure to be steadfast and my failure to feel like I really LOVE God wth all my heart, soul, and mind and my neighbor as myself. I know so many non-believers who are just plain better people than I am. The only comfort I've drawn from it is that God always seems to come and get me, which some may relate to, maybe not. I could go all stream-of-consciousness but I think I'll just stop here. I think I'm just one of those people who will aways feel guilty for not being perfect.

All that to say that I dont really have any advice. I expect many FJers have been through similar experiences and hopefully through their stories you'll at least feel like you're in good company. If He's there, I suppose all of this is meant to mold you

into the person you are meant to be. For me, real growth only happens when I'm not faking it.

[Jesus Camp Counselor]

I also was raised as a liberal Christian (UCC/Congregationalist). My mother and I would attend church, but my father did not. He was rather critical of religion (Crusades, Inquisition, etc.) I think that put some doubt in me at a young age. At 16, I went through confirmation. The last weekend before we were confirmed, we had a retreat at the church. Part of it was a one-on-one interview with the ministers. I think our youth minister had a more "Fundie" upbringing because he talked more about being saved. Most of the people were coming back from their interviews crying. When it was my turn, I think I turned the tables on them. I asked if my father would go to Hell because he didn't believe in God and Jesus. He was still a good person, so shouldn't he go to Heaven? The answer I got from them was silence. My interview was pretty short.

The point that I turned away from doubt to starting to feel angry and guilty about religion was when my mother's Parkinson's became worse. She was no longer able to have conversations. Eventually she had severe dementia that left her unable to speak most of the time and when she did speak it was usually a bit delusional. I could not accept that any God that cared about people would allow someone who had been such a good person to go through what she did. I could not see God as omnipotent and all-powerful because any God that would allow people to suffer illness and terrible loss just did not make sense. If such a God existed, He was a jerk.

My mother passed away when I was 29. About a year and a half later (2010), my father also died. Both of my parents were older when I was born, so I'd lost both of them by 31. After my father died, I felt a bit lost. I considered going back to church, but I knew it would have to be a very liberal one. Looking things up on the Internet, I discovered Unitarian Universalism. I decided that if I did try a church, that would be where I would start. About a year ago, I moved and started attending the UU church near me. I am so glad that I did. Almost everyone I have met there has had a similar story of not quite believing in the religion they were raised in and feeling guilty for not believing the creeds of their church. They couldn't "fake it." I did have a moment where I felt more guilt because I was turning away from Christian teachings and acknowledging out loud that I really did not believe. That did not last that long though. I'm not entirely sure how I label myself now (atheist, agnostic, etc.), but I have decided that it does not matter. I do not think that morals have to be based on religion. However, if you look at all major religions, there is a variation of the Golden Rule to treat others as you want to be treated. I don't know if that is divinely inspired, but I still believe it is a good way to live your life.

[Sumeri]

The only comfort I've drawn from it is that God always seems to come and get me, which some may relate to, maybe not. I could go all stream-of-consciousness but I think I'll just stop here.

This is kind of where I am, at age 45. I had a very neglectful childhood, and my mother was a very odd kind of Catholic. I can't even really express how odd, it would take more time than I have today.

Anyway, I am in my mid-40's, was just baptized into the Lutheran church 3 years ago, serve on my church council, teach Sunday School!! and recently I realized that I really don't believe any of it. I believe some of the bible as a historical text - I believe that Jesus was a good man and I am good with being a follower of him. But the supernatural stuff and the virgin birth and the sexism and...and...and...well. Let's just say I'm a 40-something feminist raising children and I'm not at all pleased with passing that kind of faith on.

What has helped me is the idea of service within my church. We're ELCA Lutheran, which is the most liberal Lutheran you can find. "God's work, Our hands", etc. We're more about not excluding gay people and serving our immigrant community, which is very large. And we enjoy sitting around after church and eating too many baked goods and having hotdish (even the tater-tot kind!) potlucks and - well, that's pretty much my church in a nutshell. And I know those things can be done having no faith whatsoever, but I really need the "organized" part of organized religion.

So for now how I deal with it is just question, question, question what I read and what I pass on. During Sunday school we do stuff like plant trees and gather school supplies and bedding for folks that don't have it, instead of talking about the bible. Yeaars ago I worked for a Benedictine order of Nuns, who were all pretty kickass in their own right, so I try to model what I learned from them: don't stop learning, welcome strangers and show hospitality to other people. I figure when I'm at the end of my life I'll at least know I did what I could to make this world a little better, instead of focusing on something that may or may not be there at the end of it.

I wish you well. It's HARD to deal with this.

[ilovetchotchkes]

I was raised very liberal Catholic and realized earlyish on that I didn't believe in Christianity. I believed in G-d but not Jesus. I ended up converting to Judaism.

Stuff like this happens to everyone pretty much, some people leave, some people rediscover their faith, and others keep searching for a really long time. :) Only question is, which path is right for you? find it and RUN with it girl!!!

[tacky]

I grew up in a fundie church, attended fundie camp every summer, and had mostly fundie friends, but I was considered pretty wild because my parents let me wear makeup and pants and go to movies. My dad was raised Catholic and my mom was raised super-fundie, but had such a miserable childhood because of rules and thou shalt nots that she let my brother and I do a lot of stuff our fundie friends couldn't (makeup, pants, movies, secular music, public school).

Anyway...leaving faith behind is a process, as dawbs said, it's something some of us have to grieve. Religion was so deeply intertwined with everything I did, thought, etc, it took a long time to break free. It was a lot of one step forward/two steps back for a while. Example: I left the church in my 20s, but didn't have my first taste of alcohol until I was 35 because it had been so drummed into me that it was a sin I still felt guilt even though I no longer believed it was sinful.

I still don't know for sure what I believe in terms of God, but it doesn't bother me much anymore now that I don't have the threat of fire and brimstone hanging over me. I'll figure it out eventually.

[debrand]

I haven't read everyone's comment yet but I will. When I lost my faith, it was one of the most painful, alienating experiences of my life. There were nights when I laid face down on the floor and begged god to give me my faith back. Eventually, I accepted that I no longer believed, but it was difficult.

My first piece of advice is to sit in judgment of bible god. If you are going to follow a religion, you need to actually read the holy text from cover to cover. Remember that the bible says that god never changes but is the same forever. So you can't use the Christian dodge that New Testament god is somehow different then Old Testament god. Doing so goes against the bible itself. Even if you have read the bible through, do so again with fresh eyes. You've been taught to not question god. Everything he does is good even if you don't understand it. I am telling you to commit blasphemy and judge your own god. Yep. You can do. Honestly, if more Christians did this, there would be less Christians.

Hell makes no sense. An all good and loving being condemns people to an eternity of torture because they don't call him the correct name? God is supposed to be our parent, would you treat your own children the same way he does? Some Christians will try to bring up the issue of free will but ask them why we are given free will. The answer is so that we can choose to love god. Free will has nothing to do with our desires but because an under confident being needs to be assured that he is loved. Really, do you want to worship such a being? And what is heaven supposed to be like? According to Revelations, we are all going to spend an eternity praising god while our lost family members are tortured. Heaven sounds a bit like hell to me.

[ExCatholic]

Don't force yourself to define what you believe just yet. I started questioning Catholicism in kindergarten when I realized I'd never get to be a priest, but it took me under college before I could say with confidence that I was agnostic. Now I realize I'm an atheist who is having a hard time giving up the comfort of religion. If I had forced myself to acknowledge that in my teen years I would have been a mess.

Any Catholics or ex Catholics here know how going to mass can make you feel like you're where you fit in. Catholicism is so full of ritual that you can pop into a mass done in a different language and still follow what is happening. Mr. ExCatholic and I went to a family wedding after five years of not going to church and still were able to parrot the correct responses. If I had tried to force a break with that feeling of togetherness before I got myself to a mentally strong place it would have been awful.

Loss of religion and belief is scary. When someone I love dies I feel absolutely miserable that I don't believe they are in a better place and that I won't ever see them again. My family believes they will see Grandma in heaven, while I know that the frail old woman who didn't recognize me when I hugged her goodbye is gone for good. It can be unspeakably lonely trying to find your own kind of peace with those feelings.

On the other hand, I now celebrate life for what it is. I focus on building relationships with living people, not god. I don't have to reconcile my faith with my love for my lesbian cousin or my friends of other religions. And I do have friends- close ones - who believe in god/gods/goddesses/etc. Please don't feel you have to cut yourself off from all believers. You'll find very few of them are like the fundies discussed here! The freedom to love and care for all types of people is one of my favorite things about atheism.

To sum up - lapsed Catholic. Drifted slowly rather than making a sharp break. Became an atheist who appreciates faith and will miss the sense of community and certainty it brings for the rest of her life. Nonetheless happy to be free to love and respect all, herself included. Don't feel forced to figure out who you are and what you believe RIGHT THE HECK NOW. Live, grow, learn. You may surprise yourself along the way. Who you are now is not who you will be in five years, ten, twenty. Give yourself permission to grow and change.

[ilovetchotchkes]

Don't force yourself to define what you believe just yet. I started questioning Catholicism in kindergarten when I realized I'd never get to be a priest, but it took me under college before I could say with confidence that I was agnostic. Now I realize I'm an atheist who is having a hard time giving up the comfort of religion. If I had forced myself to acknowledge that in my teen years I would have been a mess.

Any Catholics or ex Catholics here know how going to mass can make you feel like you're where you fit in. Catholicism is so full of ritual that you can pop into a mass done in a different language and still follow what is happening. Mr. ExCatholic and I went to a family wedding after five years of not going to church and still were able to parrot the correct responses. If I had tried to force a break with that feeling of togetherness before I got myself to a mentally strong place it would have been awful.

Loss of religion and belief is scary. When someone I love dies I feel absolutely miserable that I don't believe they are in a better place and that I won't ever see them again. My family believes they will see Grandma in heaven, while I know that the frail old woman who didn't recognize me when I hugged her goodbye is gone for good. It can be unspeakably lonely trying to find your own kind of peace with those feelings.

On the other hand, I now celebrate life for what it is. I focus on building relationships with living people, not god. I don't have to reconcile my faith with my love for my lesbian cousin or my friends of other religions. And I do have friends- close ones - who believe in god/gods/goddesses/etc. Please don't feel you have to cut yourself off from all believers. You'll find very few of them are like the fundies discussed here! The freedom to love and care for all types of people is one of my favorite things about atheism.

To sum up - lapsed Catholic. Drifted slowly rather than making a sharp break. Became an atheist who appreciates faith and will miss the sense of community and certainty it brings for the rest of her life. Nonetheless happy to be free to love and respect all, herself included. Don't feel forced to figure out who you are and what you believe RIGHT THE HECK NOW. Live, grow, learn. You may surprise yourself along the way. Who you are now is not who you will be in five years, ten, twenty. Give yourself permission to grow and change.

When i went last YEAR to my parent's church for mass as a "mother's day gift" to my mom, I spent the entire mass thanking G-d that my then 18 month old was acting HORRIBLY (ok ok he wasn't , he was acting like an 18 month old whom I was not "allowed" to nurse in public per my parents guidelines and I was trying to be accommodating because it was mothers day) and I had an excuse to sit out in the lobby rather than the sanctuary. The first 10 minutes, I was choking back tears of just being so STINKING uncomfortable and out of place.

[ExCatholic]

When i went last YEAR to my parent's church for mass as a "mother's day gift" to my mom, I spent the entire mass thanking G-d that my then 18 month old was acting HORRIBLY (ok ok he wasn't , he was acting like an 18 month old whom I was not "allowed" to nurse in public per my parents guidelines and I was trying to be accommodating because it was mothers day) and I had an excuse to sit out in the lobby rather than the sanctuary. The first 10 minutes, I was choking back tears of just being so STINKING uncomfortable and out of place.

I totally get that. Mass felt weird to me while I was transitioning out of Catholicism. I can't imagine how it would have been if I'd discovered faith in another religion and then been forced to sit through Mass. Since I have no religion period I can enjoy the nostalgia of the event without feeling like I'm being forced to betray what I do believe. I'm sorry you had to go through that. :(

[celestial]

Looking things up on the Internet, I discovered Unitarian Universalism. I decided that if I did try a church, that would be where I would start. About a year ago, I moved and started attending the UU church near me. I am so glad that I did. Almost everyone I have met there has had a similar story of not quite believing in the religion they were raised in and feeling guilty for not believing the creeds of their church. They couldn't "fake it."

I absolutely second the idea to give Unitarian Universalism a try. I was raised Methodist, and though I was very involved in the church, there were parts of their philosophy I never embraced. When it turned out they basically told me I was going to hell for being myself because :gay-imgay: , I vowed never to return. And I haven't. Shortly after leaving that church, I found the UU church. It was an amazingly supportive, yet also challenging (in a good way) place for me to be. It helped me to clarify a lot of my views and to feel comfortable embracing them. If you have one near you, I highly recommend giving it a try.

[constantgardener]

I have struggled with the idea of faith since childhood. My mother was raised Catholic but stopped attending church after she married my dad, who was raised Methodist but had become atheist at a young age. Mum rarely talks about why she left the church, but she is very negative towards Catholic church hierarchy and makes occasional barbed comments about priests and nuns not understanding the real world. However, she was happy to let me attend Catholic church with my grandmother, which I did until about age 8. I can't remember why I stopped, but I was very close friends with a girl who attended a Baptist church and I started going to church with her family. It was very different to a Catholic church, much more Bible-centered, and that is when I started getting confused. I mean, really quite distressed at times, even though I was only 9 or 10. My main problem was that I desperately wanted to have faith, but it just wouldn't click. When I stopped going to that church, my friend and other church members were quite pushy about trying to get me back, which did not impress my parents.

As a teenager, I became very interested in different religions and dabbled with Paganism and Buddhism, which felt more right to me. But as any lapsed Catholic will recognise, something keeps pulling you back (guilt?). So the years went on, I would have periods or bible-reading and occasional church attendance, but still I just couldn't completely give myself over to the certainty of a God. If anyone has read The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, there is a bit when he goes to see a vicar to ask how to have faith. The vicar keeps saying 'you must have faith' and Adrian keeps asking how to get it, and the vicar has no other answer. I've always felt a bit like this. I have always sort of envied people who have utter conviction of their beliefs, and I guess that it what has drawn me towards an interest in cults and fundamentalism.

In the last few months (and FJ has been instrumental in this) I feel more sure than ever that I won't put 'Roman Catholic' down next time I have to state my religion on any forms. I still wouldn't say I am athiest, but I feel happier about saying I am agnostic. Finally I have realised that it is OK not to have all the answers. Another reason I began to be more honest with myself is that I found that I couldn't, in all good conscience, tell my young children that there is definitely a God and that Jesus was definitely his son. I just couldn't do it, even though I did have them baptised. I just want them to make up their own minds. We talk about God, but more as a concept that some people believe, and some don't.

Whew, feels quite good to get that all down on paper, as it were. Rachel, I'm not sure if this is any help at all, but I just want to say, don't force yourself to come to any decisions too quickly. It might take your whole life, and that's OK.

[QAF_Rocks]

Never experienced this situation personally, but you might find the following book helpful:

http://www.marlenewinell.net/page/leaving-fold-guide-former

I read it several years ago, and it seemed like it would be a useful guide for people leaving religion.

[LilMissMetaphor]

I've considered myself a liberal Christian for a while, but am just now coming to terms with the fact that I don't really believe in Christianity at all anymore. It really kind of sucks to lose your faith and I'm having a hard time with it right now.

You're not supposed to believe in Christianity, anyway. AFAIK you just need to believe in Christ if you want to be a Christian. Maybe that's what you meant.

Also, unless you really want to, you don't have to "lose" faith completely, do you? Can't you adjust it or re-form it until it aligns better with your life? For one thing, being gay and having faith are not mutually exclusive. There's nothing wrong with atheism, but you still sound somewhat conflicted about going in that direction.

[QAF_Rocks]

You're not supposed to believe in Christianity, anyway. AFAIK you just need to believe in Christ if you want to be a Christian. Maybe that's what you meant.

Also, unless you really want to, you don't have to "lose" faith completely, do you? Can't you adjust it or re-form it until it aligns better with your life? For one thing, being gay and having faith are not mutually exclusive. There's nothing wrong with atheism, but you still sound somewhat conflicted about going in that direction.

If you don't believe Christianity is true, how can you "believe in Christ?"

I don't think the process of losing faith is a choice. A lot of people fight tooth and nail to keep their former beliefs, but if someone becomes convinced that those beliefs are not based in reality, then I don't see how they can hold on to them. Unless they actively stamp out all their doubts and questions and refuse to consider the possibility that their religion is wrong.

[constantgardener]

If you don't believe Christianity is true, how can you "believe in Christ?"

I don't think the process of losing faith is a choice. A lot of people fight tooth and nail to keep their former beliefs, but if someone becomes convinced that those beliefs are not based in reality, then I don't see how they can hold on to them. Unless they actively stamp out all their doubts and questions and refuse to consider the possibility that their religion is wrong.

Although I can only really speak for Catholics, I think that in a crisis of faith situation, it is very easy to lean on the rituals of religion and push any questions to the back of your mind. I love the ritual of a Catholic mass. But ultimately it means nothing without faith and that it is what I have to come to realise. But if you're not a soul-searching sort of person, you could just keep trotting off to church every Sunday, superficially participating, and just leave it at that. I am sure this went on more in the days when you were considered odd if you didn't go to church on Sundays - when it was more of a cultural thing (I am talking more about England now).

[LilMissMetaphor]

If you don't believe Christianity is true, how can you "believe in Christ?"

I may have misunderstood what she meant. I was picturing Christianity as representing the body of people (who may or may not suck) who believe in Christ. So I was just saying that you don't really want to put your faith in your teammates or look to them to be a reason for believing in something. I thought that's what she meant, that she was disillusioned by the people and attitudes around her, more than the actual beliefs. If not, never mind, obviously.

[velly]

Hi there, I am new here but this resounds with me a lot. I was raised sort of fundie by my kind of liberal ahem priest dad (for the Christian Church) and by a VERY LIBERAL Catholic mother. I lost my faith when I was about 16ish since I started college and started taking some courses on religion and I started to see some connections that were hard to over look (like how Jesus seems to be derived of other idols, the way Christianity came about and how it caught on) in the end, I see Christianity how I see Ancient Egyptian religions, Greek Mythology, Nordic Mythology. To me, Christianity and all that goes with it is, now a days, a mythology like any other (and not a very well thought out one... but that's another story). My father had a hard time with this at first but now we seem to have reached this nice medium where we can discuss religion without there being a family dispute. He understands I have a right to believe whatever I want to and that if he accepts my believes I will be respectful and accepting of his.

I am currently sort of a polytheist? I don't like the term 'agnostic' because it usually refers to believing in a 'higher power' and I don't necessarily believe in THAT. I believe that there are many 'higher powers' or Gods or deities, what have you...

So yeah, that is my story and for the record... I currently have a rosarie around my neck but this morning I did thank Heliosfor the amazing sunlight we got =P

[QAF_Rocks]

I may have misunderstood what she meant. I was picturing Christianity as representing the body of people (who may or may not suck) who believe in Christ. So I was just saying that you don't really want to put your faith in your teammates or look to them to be a reason for believing in something. I thought that's what she meant, that she was disillusioned by the people and attitudes around her, more than the actual beliefs. If not, never mind, obviously.

Oh, I see. Obviously I should let Rachel speak for herself, but it sounded to me like the beliefs were the problem, not the people.

Particularly this part:

I've considered myself a liberal Christian for a while, but am just now coming to terms with the fact that I don't really believe in Christianity at all anymore. It really kind of sucks to lose your faith and I'm having a hard time with it right now. I mean, I've always had a hard time believing (according to my mom, this was true even since I was a toddler, which she found really frustrating), but I've always tried so hard to believe and it's only within the last few months that I've really allowed myself to accept that I might not believe at all.

To me, that sounds like losing faith in the veracity of religion. And I wonder (not for the first time) if some people just aren't wired for faith. There are people for whom belief in the supernatural just doesn't come easily, if at all, no matter what kind of upbringing they have. I think my boyfriend is in that category. He was raised Catholic, but never experienced any kind of emotional connection with the idea of a deity, or any sense of happiness or comfort in the rituals. He didn't have a hard time leaving, but that's because his family is pretty moderate. I guess if he'd been raised fundie, it would have been a lot harder. Lots of people raised in conservative religions struggle with guilt and shame and have to overcome the more harmful indoctrination that tells them they're going to hell for not believing.

[kb2]

First, I don't think you talked too much about yourself. You provided a good backstory for your question. And I loled at thanking God for spellcheck.

I didn't struggle with faith for a long time--it came pretty naturally to me. I was raised in a moderate church and came to the conclusion that Hell wasn't a terrible place full of fire and brimstone, but a pleasant alternative to Heaven that didn't have God in it. It bothered me that my non-Christian friends were going there not because they were bad people but because they were nonbelievers, and that many Christians did terrible things to each other so it didn't appear that religion gave anyone a better moral compass. But while snuggled within the social support of religion I made a promise to myself that I would never stop believing in God, because it seemed important (God apparently needed people to believe in Him) and everyone seemed to think it was a noble thing to do, to keep believing while facing The World. I waited to get baptized until I was sure I believed, and I saw it as a pledge to keep believing forever. My faith meant a lot to me--I felt God comforting me at times, I pictured a lifetime of church-going, I felt my faith reaffirmed when I saw something beautiful.

Then I dated/got engaged/married an atheist, and it wasn't going to be just a few friends who would be separated from me in the afterlife, it was the person closest to me. I became aware of people doing worse things, making worse decisions and claiming it was what they felt God was leading them to do, and I stopped asking Him for guidance because I didn't think I had a faith that could get me better answers, but that everyone must be susceptible to making poor decisions on His behalf if they just go by impulses they think are from Him. When I stopped asking God for guidance, I developed coping mechanisms that were separate from religion--I got in a car wreck and it was very scary and painful (although I was not injured badly), and I was surprised when I realized that I hadn't once prayed, I hadn't needed God's help, I was capable of dealing with it without Him.

But I was conflicted for many reasons. I had made the promise to keep believing to myself, and I felt like I was letting myself down to break it. I had a niggling worry that I would go to hell, and that I would be letting down my family and friends to be separated from them in the afterlife. When people said they were praying for me, I wanted to feel the comfort of a higher power paying attention to my problems. When a situation completely beyond my control happened, I wanted to ask a cosmic force to intercede on my behalf. When I was faced with a big decision, I wanted to ask someone who knew everything what the right choice was.

It was the last scenario that convinced me to become an atheist. A lot of people look to the Bible for guidance. Sometimes the solution they find there is moral. Other times, they dogmatically stand by some instruction given to some guy 2000+ years ago in a situation that may or may not have any similarities to their own. And I realized, through my years of faith and studying the Bible, that I could come up with a Biblical solution to almost any scenario that was moral--but that I would be searching the Bible for a morality I had created through love for my fellow human beings, not from the Bible itself, or God, or any aspect of religion. If I want to rely on my morality without filtering it through religious tradition, there is no place for a God. This was the only reason I could break the promise I made to myself to keep believing.

I went to a wedding not too long ago, and as I sat in the church I felt like I was in the presence of God again. I felt God telling me I had made the right choice in the Big Decision I had made recently and that everything was going to be OK. It was a feeling like a big hug and a box of kittens and absolute peace all at once. But the Big Decision I made--I took the path that will benefit me the most. I need to constantly reexamine if this is really the right thing to do, because there may come a time when I need to make the opposite choice even though it will cost me. I can't accept the entitlement that a higher power happens to want what I want. So I shrugged off the peace of "knowing" I had done the right thing, and traded it for living with uncertainty about my decision. I gave up the peace that told me I'll never have to sacrifice for the peace of knowing that when I do need to, I won't be blinded by feeling a divine right not to change my course.

You haven't failed if you've developed doubts. You haven't made God angry or sad or disappointed in you. You're not going to be punished supernaturally for rebelling against things that strike you as wrong, or doing what you think is right. There are people who will love you no matter what you believe. It's OK to be unable to label yourself, or unable to answer questions about what you believe. You'll eventually find more peace in life following your heart about what (or whether) to believe, although the transition can be painful. Don't expect yourself to heal overnight from the loss. The loss is not a punishment sent by God, and it's not a sign you did something wrong. Because you're not doing anything wrong, you're just living your life instead of someone else's.

[kittypie]

Dang, kb2, that was good.

[Aristeia]

I don't think you talked too much about yourself, either. Questioning faith often takes a lot of thought and is a long process; the final result (whatever it may be) can be unsettling.

When I was a little girl, I thought a lot about religion and the afterlife. I was consumed by it. (Didn't help that I went to Catholic school.) I wanted mystical, religious experiences. I wanted to be close to god. No matter what though, something held me back. I believed demons inside of me were keeping me from Jesus. I worried a lot about Hell. As I grew up, going to church made me irritable. I can't quite put my finger on why. I hated religion but not god.

Then one day I thought, "This is all fucking ridiculous." The words just seemed to pop into my head. And I became an atheist. :D

Atheism makes me happy. It's very freeing - I don't have to worry about pleasing god, I don't have to "bear my cross," and I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. It's like a fresh, clean slate. Also, I found that I have more respect for the religious figures I grew up with now that I'm on the outside looking in.

Whatever you decide is best, I hope it brings you peace and freedom.