Dealing with loss of faith

[Rachel333]

Okay, it's a day later and I'm now quite sober and a bit embarrassed, but I'm glad I posted this, actually, because I've found all your responses to be really helpful and it's good to read all your stories. By the way, in answer to the question about my age, I'm 21.

My first piece of advice is to sit in judgment of bible god. If you are going to follow a religion, you need to actually read the holy text from cover to cover. Remember that the bible says that god never changes but is the same forever. So you can't use the Christian dodge that New Testament god is somehow different then Old Testament god. Doing so goes against the bible itself. Even if you have read the bible through, do so again with fresh eyes. You've been taught to not question god. Everything he does is good even if you don't understand it. I am telling you to commit blasphemy and judge your own god. Yep. You can do. Honestly, if more Christians did this, there would be less Christians.

I think this is good advice, so thank you. I read most of the Bible when I was younger, minus some of the really boring Old Testament books, but I actually stopped reading the Bible a few years ago because I was feeling like the more I read the less I believed, and I wasn't ready to deal with that yet. I picked up my Bible a few weeks ago for the first time since I admitted to myself that I no longer believed, and it was surprisingly difficult--kind of stirred up weird emotions for me--but I want to really read it again.

You're not supposed to believe in Christianity, anyway. AFAIK you just need to believe in Christ if you want to be a Christian. Maybe that's what you meant.

Also, unless you really want to, you don't have to "lose" faith completely, do you? Can't you adjust it or re-form it until it aligns better with your life? For one thing, being gay and having faith are not mutually exclusive. There's nothing wrong with atheism, but you still sound somewhat conflicted about going in that direction.

Yeah, to clarify I meant I no longer believe in what Christianity teaches. I've been pretty disillusioned by churches/Christians for a really long time (that's where I kind of appreciate my fundie-ish upbringing, actually; it made me see the problems with religion quite early on).

I do feel conflicted going in that direction, but I've been trying for quite a while to make my faith work for me and it's pretty difficult. Admitting to myself that I was gay actually made me try harder to believe, I think, and especially when I started coming out last summer/fall I wanted to prove that I was still a good Christian and a good person. As much as I'd like to believe still, though, I'm pretty sure I just don't anymore.

You haven't failed if you've developed doubts. You haven't made God angry or sad or disappointed in you. You're not going to be punished supernaturally for rebelling against things that strike you as wrong, or doing what you think is right. There are people who will love you no matter what you believe. It's OK to be unable to label yourself, or unable to answer questions about what you believe. You'll eventually find more peace in life following your heart about what (or whether) to believe, although the transition can be painful. Don't expect yourself to heal overnight from the loss. The loss is not a punishment sent by God, and it's not a sign you did something wrong. Because you're not doing anything wrong, you're just living your life instead of someone else's.

I really appreciate that, thank you.

Faith is a complicated thing and the loss of it isn't something to ignore, it's something to grieve.

There's a scale (someone can say what it is, I'm forgetting right now) that social workers and psychologists use to 'measure' the stress levels of peopole they work with.

Loss of faith gets as many 'points' on that scale as loss of a spouse.

You are having the bravery to deal w/ it head-on instead of pretending it isn't an issue, I applaud you for that.

The drinking is it's own concern,and I'd say that worries me at least as much as anything else you posted.

That's interesting to think of loss of faith as a life stressor. I think that might be a big part of the reason I've had horrible insomnia for the past month, actually.

And, uh, yeah, I've been realizing that I have some problematic drinking behaviors. I think a big part of it is that I've never been a heavy drinker until recently, which is unusual for a college student, and so it's still somewhat new to me and I don't really know my limits yet. I'm also currently studying abroad in a place with a really intense drinking culture (it's been an amazing experience overall, though; such a cliche, but I'm a very different person now than I was four months ago). I've definitely been more careful since that one night that ended really badly.

Anyway, thank you all again for sharing your stories. It's been really helpful to read all of them.

[jessablessa4realz]

If you don't believe Christianity is true, how can you "believe in Christ?"

For me, Christianity is "the system". I don't believe in the system. I believe those who truly understand Jesus realize he was a lefty radical :lol:. I believe Jesus existed, I believe he lived a humanitarian mission for 3 years, and I believe he had a beautiful philosophy about life. I want to live my life as he did because, from what we know, he was a good person who cared about people and protected those who could not protect themselves. Where the church loses me is all the ritual. They emphasize so much the whole "lamb of god, died for your sins, blah, blah, blah" that the actual reality of the amazing story that was his life gets lost in translation. That is how I believe in Christ and skip all the crappy, patriarchal church bull shit.

[Bellatrix]

I grew up in a left wing family where religion was a part of history, culture(s) and mythology, no "beliefs". So I cannot help you out with your initial question about people having been through the type of transition you are currently in.

However, it sounds to me like this was a long process in the making and that you've only now reached the realisation phase of "falling out of Christianity". This must be, like with every mourning process (after all, you're coming to terms with the idea that you'll live a non-Christian life which is apparently something that you've been taught to do since you were a toddler), a difficult phase as reality clashes with everything you learnt and were shown by example since you were born.

It's a matter of time, I think. You've become conscious of your non-belief in Christianity and are thus closing the "personal history with faith" chapter of your life which is the only one you'd known up until now.

Even if you've naturally progressed towards non-Christianity, that doesn't mean you are not mourning the loss of the lifestyle you were brought up in and taught to aspire to. It *is* a mourning.

EDIT: my mistake, I somehow put "atheism" in there...

[MonkeyMomma]

For me, Christianity is "the system". I don't believe in the system. I believe those who truly understand Jesus realize he was a lefty radical :lol:. I believe Jesus existed, I believe he lived a humanitarian mission for 3 years, and I believe he had a beautiful philosophy about life. I want to live my life as he did because, from what we know, he was a good person who cared about people and protected those who could not protect themselves. Where the church loses me is all the ritual. They emphasize so much the whole "lamb of god, died for your sins, blah, blah, blah" that the actual reality of the amazing story that was his life gets lost in translation. That is how I believe in Christ and skip all the crappy, patriarchal church bull shit.

This, essentially. "Christianity" is the development of tradition and polity over the past 2000ish years. As we often critique on this board, the dominionist, patriarchal "Christianity" looks little like what that Jesus guy is supposed to have said and done.

I don't know, I'm in a weird place with religion. I identify as a "progressive Catholic," having been raised and educated in the Roman Catholic church. I tend to affiliate with the nuns, reform groups, etc. I've tried to leave flat out and go UU, which I align with the most besides my church of origin, but I'm a smells-and-bells-and-communion kind of girl. That's hard to shake. If I hadn't found the radical feminist, progressive, heretical branch of Catholicism, I would have forced the issue more. Right now, I am lucky to be part of a progressive, ecumenical, eucharistic community which is a home for inter-denominational families and refugee Catholics.

[treemom]

Posting so this will show up on my posts, as I want to come back and answer this when I am not on the ipad

[Godlesspanther-2-]

The hell thing is something that appears to stick with people even long after they leave a faith that condemns people to hell for -- whatever reason. I have read many accounts from people who, even after totally grasping the lack of logic and flat out stupidity of hell the concept is so ingrained that they get a little twinge of fear every now and then.

I never had such indoctrination. So I can give you this: as someone who has never, not ever, not for one second in my life, believed in hell -- I have no fear of it whatsoever. None.

If you pullback and look at it from the outside you can see that no matter who you are, what you do, what you believe, how you treat other people -- according to somebody you are going to hell. Fundie Muslims think that all non-Muslims are going to hell. Fundie-Christians think that all non-Chistians are going to hell. Conservative Catholics thing that you go to hell if you don't take communion of confession. The Amish thing you go to hell for driving a car or using a phone. Fred Phelps thinks you go to hell for not being Fred Phelps.

It doesn't matter what you do. There is no way out.

To hell with hell. Obviously there is no such place.

[tacky]

Nothing gets my fundie family members more up in arms than when I say I no longer believe in hell.

[ricky_ticky]

I kind of had a breakdown and cried to total strangers about how I was going to hell for being gay and because I didn't want to think about that anymore I ended up getting so drunk that I got brought home in a police car and have huge gaps in my memory from that night--that's never happened before. (I'm really quite drunk right now, actually; it might not seem that way, but thank God (uhhhhh) for spellcheck.) It's also weird to realize how much religion has affected the way I think about the world

As a recovering alcoholic, I want to gently observe that this raised a red flag for me. If you are drinking to eradicate your guilt over your loss of faith or fear about your sexuality, then I caution you to take that seriously and to possibly seek professional help. Blacking out and being brought home in a police car is not to be taken lightly. I'm not saying you're an alcoholic, but you may have the propensity to become one if you do not resolve your crisis of faith and you continue problem drinking.

[QAF_Rocks]

For me, Christianity is "the system". I don't believe in the system. I believe those who truly understand Jesus realize he was a lefty radical :lol:. I believe Jesus existed, I believe he lived a humanitarian mission for 3 years, and I believe he had a beautiful philosophy about life. I want to live my life as he did because, from what we know, he was a good person who cared about people and protected those who could not protect themselves. Where the church loses me is all the ritual. They emphasize so much the whole "lamb of god, died for your sins, blah, blah, blah" that the actual reality of the amazing story that was his life gets lost in translation. That is how I believe in Christ and skip all the crappy, patriarchal church bull shit.

Thanks! I guess that's the difference between me and liberal Christians. I just don't see the story of Jesus as something to emulate. There are lots of examples of Jesus behaving very badly in the Bible. And there are a lot of problematic beliefs that he is supposed to have introduced. For example, the notion of hell.

Plus, there's the whole matter of not knowing if Jesus existed as a single historical person, was an amalgamation of different people, or was entirely legendary. There are no first-person accounts, no extra-biblical accounts, nothing written down until decades/centuries after he supposedly lived. Seems impossible to separate truth from fiction.

[ADoyle90815]

Thanks! I guess that's the difference between me and liberal Christians. I just don't see the story of Jesus as something to emulate. There are lots of examples of Jesus behaving very badly in the Bible. And there are a lot of problematic beliefs that he is supposed to have introduced. For example, the notion of hell.

Plus, there's the whole matter of not knowing if Jesus existed as a single historical person, was an amalgamation of different people, or was entirely legendary. There are no first-person accounts, no extra-biblical accounts, nothing written down until decades/centuries after he supposedly lived. Seems impossible to separate truth from fiction.

This. The things written about Jesus were written by early Christians in the decades and centuries after his death, and when Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire, he and church leaders chose what to put in the Bible, as well as what writings to leave out of the Bible as heretical writings. If there were a historical Jesus, he certainly didn't look northern European, as he would have had olive skin, dark hair, and brown eyes like most people who live in the area he was said to live in.

[Deleted02]

I'm dealing with the same thing, so you are among friends!

My parents aren't really religious but to please grandma I attended the local Baptist church. I was baptized and everything. I always had doubts and questions but whenever I asked, I was either laughed at or not given an answer at all. I did some research and soul searching and found that I didn't believe in the Bible.

Not long after I took a long break from church and have consulted many books and sites about religious matters. I was afraid to question when I was younger because I was afraid of Hell. But then I started thinking there's no way a loving God would send someone to Hell for that.

What really made me doubt God was after reading the book Night by Eli Wiesel. As the Nazis are killing a young boy, someone asks "Where is God?" And that sentence got me thinking. God can create the universe but can't stop something as awful as the Holocaust? He can't stop a child from getting raped? Then another thought occurred to me; if God knows all, why doesn't he stop bad people from being born? What about people that question him? He has the power to stop these things but doesn't?

I now consider myself an Agnostic because I still have some inkling that there may be a God, albeit an uninvolved one. However I think now that is starting to fade. I have been reading many science texts and books by Richard Dawkins and now I see how life starts and you don't really need a God.

I feel sad sometimes; kind of like when I learned Santa wasn't real. But it gives me a reason to make life the best it can be for others and myself. I think I'm now started to be OK with it. The other day I cashed a check and received a 20 that, under In God We Trust, someone wrote God Is A Myth. For the first time ever, I heard myself say "Yeah. Maybe so."

[jessablessa4realz]

This, essentially. "Christianity" is the development of tradition and polity over the past 2000ish years. As we often critique on this board, the dominionist, patriarchal "Christianity" looks little like what that Jesus guy is supposed to have said and done.

I don't know, I'm in a weird place with religion. I identify as a "progressive Catholic," having been raised and educated in the Roman Catholic church. I tend to affiliate with the nuns, reform groups, etc. I've tried to leave flat out and go UU, which I align with the most besides my church of origin, but I'm a smells-and-bells-and-communion kind of girl. That's hard to shake. If I hadn't found the radical feminist, progressive, heretical branch of Catholicism, I would have forced the issue more. Right now, I am lucky to be part of a progressive, ecumenical, eucharistic community which is a home for inter-denominational families and refugee Catholics.

The progressive wing of the Catholic Church is doing some fantastic things. I was also raised Catholic but being from a small town, I just get the fire and brimstone aspect. Maybe if I had some exposure to this sect of the church, I would feel better about coming back to the fold. I understand where your coming from about the ritual, though. That is a tough thing to be away from. There were so many sermons that I loved regarding the aspect of charity and love for humanity. However, in the last 10 years it became more inflammatory (i.e. gays are bad, women are weak and flawed, Muslims are all terrorists, etc.) I just couldn't take it any more.

[zimona]

Never experienced this situation personally, but you might find the following book helpful:

http://www.marlenewinell.net/page/leaving-fold-guide-former

I read it several years ago, and it seemed like it would be a useful guide for people leaving religion.

THIS. normally a lurker, just got registered only to emphasize: Get this book!

Ex-Christian myself, left fundie-land about 20 years ago. Still struggeling on occasion.

Stumbled upon this book last year and even though the process of "losing my faith" is far behind me, I found this book tremendously helpful.

Best wishes to you on your journey.

[velly]

":19z5azl7]The hell thing is something that appears to stick with people even long after they leave a faith that condemns people to hell for -- whatever reason. I have read many accounts from people who, even after totally grasping the lack of logic and flat out stupidity of hell the concept is so ingrained that they get a little twinge of fear every now and then.

I never had such indoctrination. So I can give you this: as someone who has never, not ever, not for one second in my life, believed in hell -- I have no fear of it whatsoever. None.

If you pullback and look at it from the outside you can see that no matter who you are, what you do, what you believe, how you treat other people -- according to somebody you are going to hell. Fundie Muslims think that all non-Muslims are going to hell. Fundie-Christians think that all non-Chistians are going to hell. Conservative Catholics thing that you go to hell if you don't take communion of confession. The Amish thing you go to hell for driving a car or using a phone. Fred Phelps thinks you go to hell for not being Fred Phelps.

It doesn't matter what you do. There is no way out.

To hell with hell. Obviously there is no such place.

This is an excellent thing to add! Even after losing my faith I feared God and Hell and still avoided doing things that could lead me to God's wrath or Hell. Eventually through the years I both stopped believing in Hell and Heaven (the concept of Heaven is, now, even more ridiculous to me than Hell) but this process took a LONG time and I did grieve for the loss of those concepts. Trust me, it usually is not an easy thing to step out there and say 'I reject everything I ever thought to be true!' and it takes time to ween off a lot of things. I still think I hold SOME aspects of my previous faith and they must show up every now and then but more and more I am getting used to believing MY instincts.

The way I got out of it all was documentation. I started reading up on Christianity: where it came from, what it meant, how it spread, WHY it spread... And more and more I started seeing it as a need for humanity OF THE TIME to believe in these things and the concepts became less abstract. eventually I started seeing Christianity like I saw Greek Mythology, Norse Mythology, Egyptian Mythology, etc. basically I see it now as 'made up stories from people long ago to try and explain life'.

If you're interested in documentation or stories about the spread of Christian Mythology you're welcomed to ask and we can talk it over =)

[BayLee_10]

My faith just slowly oozed away over the years. I'm 69 so it's pretty well gone. It would be nice if I could believe that my family would all meet in heaven some day, but what I do believe is that dead is dead. No one has come back to tell me different. I know that is overused, but also it seems true. It seems to me that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are my contribution to posterity.

Even Mother Teresa had a crisis of faith and I am not sure she ever believed again, but never-the-less continued to minister to the poor in India.

Recently I read that one out of every three people in the US are athiests. I'm not sure I would describe myself as that, but I am a non-believer. It down right irritates me when someone escapes tragedy, while another doesn't, and I hear, 'Someone was looking out for me!' So why was no one looking out for the other guy?

[Deleted02]

This is an excellent thing to add! Even after losing my faith I feared God and Hell and still avoided doing things that could lead me to God's wrath or Hell. Eventually through the years I both stopped believing in Hell and Heaven (the concept of Heaven is, now, even more ridiculous to me than Hell) but this process took a LONG time and I did grieve for the loss of those concepts. Trust me, it usually is not an easy thing to step out there and say 'I reject everything I ever thought to be true!' and it takes time to ween off a lot of things. I still think I hold SOME aspects of my previous faith and they must show up every now and then but more and more I am getting used to believing MY instincts.

The way I got out of it all was documentation. I started reading up on Christianity: where it came from, what it meant, how it spread, WHY it spread... And more and more I started seeing it as a need for humanity OF THE TIME to believe in these things and the concepts became less abstract. eventually I started seeing Christianity like I saw Greek Mythology, Norse Mythology, Egyptian Mythology, etc. basically I see it now as 'made up stories from people long ago to try and explain life'.

If you're interested in documentation or stories about the spread of Christian Mythology you're welcomed to ask and we can talk it over =)

I would love to have more info on this! Any books you can share or websites? Or even your own knowledge. :)

[Mind UR own uteress]

I haven't really lost my faith, so i can't relate to that part, it's more that i'm extremely liberal (pro-choice, believe in evolution) and so am not very welcomed/accepted by most Christians.

For example, although i wouldn't personally have an abortion (even though i really, really don't want children), i'm pro-choice- because i think it's unkind, arrogant, and unethical to impose my views on others. i studied science (have a master's degree in chemistry and a medical degree) and very strongly believe in evolution- another no-no for Christians.

I also don't fit in because i would never preach at anyone or tell them they're going to heaven/hell/etc because, for one thing that's not for anyone of us to say or to know: we are not God, and also, there is no 100% absolute proof that there IS a God. It's a "faith" or a "belief", not a certainty. None of us know for sure, and so it is a reasonable thing to "lose" your faith. Sorry to hear it is causing you some distress.

I suppose i haven't lost mine (yet) for several reasons. I wasn't raised in a religious home, so there's no guilt/issues of control, etc surrounding my religion. Instead, a lot of my faith is based on science. While i suppose studying science leads a lot of people towards atheism, it led me for some reason in the opposite direction. I guess another reason i haven't lost my faith is that it's not necc based on what the bible says per se, it's more based on looking at how Jesus led his life and then also having the opinion that not too many people go around claiming to be God, and very few are willing to be beaten and nailed to a cross over it... so maybe it's true then(?) I think... but do i know for sure? Nope, and no one really can.

[velly]

I would love to have more info on this! Any books you can share or websites? Or even your own knowledge. :)

Well the books I do have are in Spanish so I don't know how good that'd go over but I can tell you this much:

Christianity came at a time where it was needed for society. The Roman empire and the Gods (not just the Greek and Roman gods but this is throughout Europe and Asia at the time of the 1st Century) that were are the time posed two ideas of death: you either simply become this 'ghost' like thing that has 'a place' (most of the old mythologies don't even believe that ghosts can communicate at all with the living, they go to their own special place, away from the living that kind of segregates them from it all 'living' contact) and the only way to achieve immortality is through the means of becoming legends. In other words immortality is only achievable to rich people and heroes while your average Joe will always fade away and literally cease to exist by the third generation of their own family. Add to this the increased 'slave population' of the time (think of it as: there was a real serious recession in the world at the time) and you can see why the call for a 'new deity' was needed and it's not a coincidence said deity came in the form of a fisher man, son of a carpenter who preaches about not needing to be rich. In fact the Christian Mythology in general is aimed AGAINST rich people, because it's a mythology born of slaves. It's the slaves of Constantinople that start to buzz of Jesus and if you see even the bible does speak of the power struggle between the poor and the rich. Not only does it prefer the poor but it exalts poor people ABOVE rich people (like a thread here).

Another point I want to go back to is the concept of Heaven. Heaven gave a hope that was MOSTLY unknown until then for most religions: the idea that EVERYONE could go to Heaven (of course with the catch that you HAVE to believe in this new deity, hah hah!) and that EVERYONE that enters Heaven has eternal life AND will be RICH and meet up with all the dead folk that they've lost in the past and they're RICH too! Heavenly rich but they will not be forgotten EVER and all the hardships they lived in their mortal life would be worth it (unlike in most other religions were well... you're fucked).

Now, this all sounds obvious but there is more. Christianity introduces a fun concept: guilt and sin. Not that 'guilt' did not exist before but Christianity almost basis it self on it. You HAVE TO be sorry for the wrongs you commit and you HAVE TO make it right by God/Jesus or you're not getting into Heaven (how convenient, right?). They also add in certain rules that sound really good and, over all FAIR to poor people. Before, if a noble man commit murder in Ancient Greece? They did a cleansing ritual and he paid a high price to the city and BAM you're good but... poor people could not afford it! So they had to pay with: SLAVERY! yay? no, not yay. So, you start to see how the whole notion of Christianity makes sense? By the way, for those that have read the Bible. Notice a different between Old Testament God and New Testament God? This is because they are 'technically' not the same thing. This is a LONG story.

This is, of course a very general overview!! I actually took a whole year of courses in the University that cannot possibly be condensed there but that's the main idea of it all. But I hope it opens the door to further thought.

I did a quick internet search but I turned up mostly empty handed as 'history and expansion of Christianity' does lead you to a lot of fundie sites XD

[gingernut]

I have lost my faith and it has broken my heart. I am no longer a Christian but still believe in a Supreme Being. I do not believe that this Supreme Being is involved in our lives in a personal way. I refuse to believe that I could pray for a return to health or a new car or whatever and God would answer my prayer but a girl in the Sudan is starving or a girl is getting raped by her pastor but praying that it will never happen again but it does anyway. Because God wants to teach her something? I mean, really! Use it for his glory when later she feels led to work with abused girls? If he is so involved can't he interest her in that without years of being raped or something? The whole "God is involved with my life" thing is a crutch and grasping at straws to me.

Which led to alot of heartbreak and feeling all alone. I mean, if He isn't all involved then I am on my own? That has led to alot of anxiety for me. I am afraid and alone and have lost all my friends. However, my mind is clearer and I enjoy thinking for myself and not believing in fairy tales.

[Michael Mock]

My loss of faith was a relatively gentle thing, and probably won't be too much help here. I just sort of wandered away in my early teens and never came back.

This might actually be helpful, though: it's something I wrote for [link=http://nagamakironin.blogspot.com/2011/12/christian-parents-of-atheist-or.html]Christian Parents of Atheist or Agnostic Children[/link]. And it's since spawned two FB groups to help families cope with this sort of... transition: one for the parents, and one for the children. (Links for the groups are available in the article.)

[Lynley]

The things I believe have been through multiple metamorphosis during my lifetime, and I've found the best thing to do is just to let go and let things happen. In French we have a saying, "ne pousse pas la rivière" (don't push the river). It means that there are currents in life that we are carried along on, that ebb and flow, and that we only waste energy fighting against, like trying to push the water back upstream. I think faith and doubt and spirituality are like this.

At times in my life when my mind and heart were leading me away from (church-defined) faith, I came to the conclusion that that is what I needed at that point, and although it was hard to do I managed to let go of the guilt and fear and just let the river carry me. Maybe one day you'll come back to faith - if you do, it will not be the same as before, because we never return to the same place twice in life. Maybe faith (either faith at all, or faith as defined by your church) isn't what you will need in your life. If God exists He (or She) is bigger than all of it anyway - faith and church and the guilt and fear. These were helpful thoughts for me.

[QAF_Rocks]

":1vjgeu62]The hell thing is something that appears to stick with people even long after they leave a faith that condemns people to hell for -- whatever reason. I have read many accounts from people who, even after totally grasping the lack of logic and flat out stupidity of hell the concept is so ingrained that they get a little twinge of fear every now and then.

I never had such indoctrination. So I can give you this: as someone who has never, not ever, not for one second in my life, believed in hell -- I have no fear of it whatsoever. None.

That's very true! Children who aren't taught to believe in hell don't grow up afraid of it. When I was little, I knew about devils and hell from cartoons and movies, but I never for one moment thought they were real things.

You know, Richard Dawkins took a lot of heat when he called religious indoctrination "child abuse," but this is exactly what he was talking about. He wasn't saying that all religion is abusive, but that terrorizing children with stories of hellfire and damnation is mental and emotional abuse. Kids shouldn't have to lie awake at night, worrying/crying/agonizing about themselves or people they love being tortured for all eternity. It's sick and twisted, and it's not something that should be inflicted on innocent children.

http://richarddawkins.net/articles/118-religion-39-s-real-child-abuse

[fundie_junkie]

I've been dealing with loss of faith and doubt about my "religion" too.

I was raised Presbyterian for 13 years of my life. Went to Christian school all through elementary and high school. I went to christian summer camps where we all gathered and worshiped and became little warriors for God. When my mom got sick with ovarian cancer when I was 13 she found another church. It wasn't fundy I guess, more evangelical and charismatic. They believed in laying of hands, speaking in tongues, more contemporary praise and worship with dancing, raising your hands, crying, laughing.. etc..

My mom basically forced all of us to go. She even had all of us get rebaptized or dunked. At this point, I had so much faith. I had been raised since a baby to believe in everything the bible says. It was the TRUTH, the undeniable word of God. If you weren't a Christian you were going to hell. Hell that meant fear, torment, darkness. Hell was all of your worst fears I was told.

My mom even stopped taking her chemo and radiation because this church convinced her that God had healed her of her cancer, and she had to just have faith and believe in it.She would read her bible constantly, would qoute scriptures all the time. The church even came out and annointed her with olive oil, prayed over her. She died anyway.

Afterwards, people told my dad the reason she died was because he lacked faith. Then it turned into she lacked faith. Whatever excuse the church could come up with. She had stage 4 ovarian cancer. She died because she had cancer not because she lacked faith or her husband lacked faith.

I think that started me doubting that the bible was true. How could a loving god take away a mother from a young girl? Because she didn't pray enough. What does god have a score card. Ooopss.. if only she had prayed once more. I could have healed her. What a crock of shit!

What really pushed me over the edge is what happened with some family members this past summer. Seeing church members twist the bible to fit their own wants. Deacons in the church handing out paddles to parents so they can whip their kids. Being judged because we drink or smoke. Or that we aren't in the church every time the doors are open.

Seeing rampant prejudice against anyone who is different, from being gay, or having tattos, piercings,multi colored hair. They even think the color black is evil and you aren't to wear it.

I've raised my children completely different from how I was raised. We go to church occasionally but haven't been in years now. I don't push any religion, I encourage my children to read about every religion and to question everything. My youngest today when we were talking about faith and religion told me she is agnostic. Which is another thing I'm told will damn me to hell. That by not raising my children to be Christian that god will hold me accountable and send me to hell.

There have been times in the past year or so, that I have literally been sobbing on my hands and knees with my bible, begging God to please give me the faith back that I used to have. Begging to be able to feel like I did when I was younger and to be so secure and sure that everything was true and good. I don't have that anymore. In fact when I pray I feel nothing anymore. And that scares me. I've been told for so long that eventually god will just turn his back on you. It sucks to go from having something to believe in to having nothing.

I'm slowly beginning to see the bible as just a history book. Like someone else posted on here, it has broken my heart. Because being a christian was part of my idenity. without it sometimes I wonder who I am?

Thanks for reading my super long post. I hope I didn't lose anyone. I suck at explaining things sometimes.

[Bookworm]

I have not said it outright here until now, but I lost my faith in 2010 and have been an atheist for almost two years now. It was the hardest thing to go through, just utterly terrifying. You feel so adrift and it seems like there is nothing dependable anymore, but you can't stop researching. You just wish you could stop thinking about it, but your brain won't stop working.

Some of the stories you guys are posting break my heart because I have so been there. To me, it was like I was lost in a terrifying forest full of dark shadows and noises and then I eventually came to a gate - on the other side of doubt, it's beautiful and free and the air smells great. It's really hard facing fears and rebuilding your whole conception of your life and the world and how things work, but it is worth it - whatever the result to your faith ultimately, if it disappears or gets stronger, the examination is worth it. If anyone needs someone to talk to feel free to IM me, but hugs to anyone who needs them (so sorry for you, Fundie-Junkie!).

Re: The history of the Bible, this was fascinating to me

[ItISjustme]

Loss of religion and belief is scary. When someone I love dies I feel absolutely miserable that I don't believe they are in a better place and that I won't ever see them again. My family believes they will see Grandma in heaven, while I know that the frail old woman who didn't recognize me when I hugged her goodbye is gone for good. It can be unspeakably lonely trying to find your own kind of peace with those feelings.

Amen to that.

When my mum died I was still a Catholic and it gave me great solace to believe that I would see her again. Now that I'm an atheist, that's the hardest thing for me. Somedays it makes me feel incredibly sad to know that this is all the time I will have with the people I love.

On my good days I'm glad to be free of all that hell and damnation stuff. If I'm wrong and there is a hell, I'm doomed.