Ugh - Anna T & the 'singles crisis'/age at marriage MERGED

[pimpom]

It's been a while since I last checked her blog, but she feels that ppl reeeeeeeally should get married earlier/think about marriage earlier.

http://ccostello.blogspotdotcom/2011/07 ... eness.html

To be honest, I am 'old' (33 omg) and not married. And I don't have any children. Especially the latter sometimes scares me. But then I think of what I was like 10 years ago: SO not ready for marriage and babies. Also, I was so convinced nobody would like me that even the thought of finding a husband would have made me retreat into myself forever.

So if I end up 'alone and childless', is that really the 'fault' of my own bad choices? It feels more like something that just sortof happened. Nobody came to my door one morning in my early 20s and said: OK, now choose between A and B, en be forever judged for the consequences.

[/end rant]

[longskirts]

Why is Mrs. Anna T. so worried about people getting married too late? She got married in her early twenties, so it's not like she had to wait for what she wanted.

Post is here:

ccostello.blogspot.com/2011/07/thoughts-on-singleness.html

[nolongerIFBx]

It's been a while since I last checked her blog, but she feels that ppl reeeeeeeally should get married earlier/think about marriage earlier.

http://ccostello.blogspotdotcom/2011/07 ... eness.html

To be honest, I am 'old' (33 omg) and not married. And I don't have any children. Especially the latter sometimes scares me. But then I think of what I was like 10 years ago: SO not ready for marriage and babies. Also, I was so convinced nobody would like me that even the thought of finding a husband would have made me retreat into myself forever.

So if I end up 'alone and childless', is that really the 'fault' of my own bad choices? It feels more like something that just sortof happened. Nobody came to my door one morning in my early 20s and said: OK, now choose between A and B, en be forever judged for the consequences.

[/end rant]

34, not married, no kids. :violin:

I agree- it's not like I chose this future; no one ever offered another option. (But it sucks to be this old and realize the possibility of babies is becoming less and less likely.)

[Austin]

Well, I’m not an expert on numbers, but sound logic and first-hand observation tell me there are many single men and women, who all pay the price of loneliness, heartache, and on a larger scale, emotional and economical instability. - Mrs. Anna T.

So I guess that early marriage is the be-all, end-all for everybody. Otherwise you're a pathetic, wounded, and broke-ass? :roll:

[IReallyAmHopewell]

(But it sucks to be this old and realize the possibility of babies is becoming less and less likely.)

I fully understand that it's not for everyone, but there's adoption. I have two fabulous kids I adopted on my own. Love em to death. I was 41 when I adopted them at ages 7 and 8.

[nolongerIFBx]

I fully understand that it's not for everyone, but there's adoption. I have two fabulous kids I adopted on my own. Love em to death. I was 41 when I adopted them at ages 7 and 8.

It's a real possibility. I know I'd need a bigger home. Should have thought of that before I built the studio apartment type home I have now, and since it is on my parent's property, I can't just sell it and buy a bigger one. But- who knows what the next 5 or 10 years will bring. I'm definitely open to adoption.

[camdendayton]

It's been a while since I last checked her blog, but she feels that ppl reeeeeeeally should get married earlier/think about marriage earlier.

http://ccostello.blogspotdotcom/2011/07 ... eness.html

To be honest, I am 'old' (33 omg) and not married. And I don't have any children. Especially the latter sometimes scares me. But then I think of what I was like 10 years ago: SO not ready for marriage and babies. Also, I was so convinced nobody would like me that even the thought of finding a husband would have made me retreat into myself forever.

So if I end up 'alone and childless', is that really the 'fault' of my own bad choices? It feels more like something that just sortof happened. Nobody came to my door one morning in my early 20s and said: OK, now choose between A and B, en be forever judged for the consequences.

[/end rant]

:barf: on that article. I didn't get past the 1st paragraph.

Here is the truth to the "choice" you had/have: find someone that was willing to marry someone that wasn't mature enough to be married and start popping out babies or be who you are now. Do not let anyone make you think otherwise!

I believe it is a supreme blessing to your unborn or unadopted children that you took the time to fully grow emotionally and be comfortable with who you are rather than follow someone else's formula. Following a formula that is not your own is, IMHO, sure to cause neurosis of some sort. (And if these blogs don't support that I don't know what does!)

I am too "old" and lately feeling even "older" than I am. Plus I'm divorceda cursed jezebel. I am super-scared by the prospect of having children, but I still sometime worry that someday I will be too old to naturally conceive and really want a child who shares my genes.

But, fundies, I did my "missionary" work with 7th and 8th grade students in LAUSD trying to prepare the severely deprived kids there to have some success in their lives. I'm sure it was "useless" since it wasn't done from a biblical perspective but FU! Clearly you are closer to what Jesus wanted than me and people like me.

[fundiefan]

Not sure I can find it in me to take the opinion of a very young, naive Jewish girl living in Israel to heart or even seriously.

For all the fake Jew Christians we come across and discuss here, she is the fake Christian Jew on the flip side.

[Purple]

*flamesuit on*

She has a point, at least within her own community. The fact is, it's not uncommon for women (and some men) to be uninterested in settling down in their 20's, then spend their 30's and 40's wishing they could go back and do things differently. At least, that's the case in my own religious community, and I suspect the same is true for Orthodox Jews. I don't quite 'get' that mentality myself, but I can't deny that it happens.

I myself have no interest in being a mother, and never had any interest in marriage just for the sake of social bragging rights, either. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children or wanting a career more than a family, and her implication that no one could ever possibly be happy being single is ridiculous, but having biological children in a stable marriage is a time-sensitive goal. Suggesting that 20-somethings keep that in mind when making life decisions is nothing more than realism.

[ChunkyBarbie]

I always shake my head in wonderment when she give advice to a dear reader who has written her a question, or needs help planning their life. Who in their right mind would ask a 23 y/o (?) who has been married what 3 years advice?!?!? Really, what the Hell does she know? But, some people are so rudderless, I have no doubt people do write in and ask her to tell them how to run their lives.

OT

I have been reading Anna for years. I thought it was very interesting that she always dresses very plain with no make up and does nothing to her hair, but wore heavy make up, big curls and nail polish for her wedding. She didn't even look like herself. I just think it is weird that you would want to look like a stranger on your wedding day.

[longskirts]

Where are her wedding pictures?

[Little_Eyes]

I totally think Anna T. (whom I used to read but I can't any longer, she was one of my gateways) is playing on a real fear here (of never finding a life partner/being a parent) at least for the late teen/twenty something's in my circle. But then when I think these thoughts, or they're brought up, I have to step back and say "So what if I never marry, the fact that I don't/won't marry isn't related to my personhood or my self-worth. I have my own life/education/goals etc." I could totally be happy with my own life, doing what I'd like to. Hell, some days I'd even prefer it! Even though they say this or act like it, as in setting their FB status to "in a relationship with Jesus" I just don't think Fundie women believe this. It's more like convincing themselves....

Why these musings come from Anna T. who is married and has produced two children is beyond me. Why should she care? It's not like she's eating dinner alone tonight.

[Rosa]

It's thinking that *any* man is better than being single that gets people stuck in horrible, unhappy marriages. If you hold out for a great partner, sure, you might not find that person and end up single. But it's still better than being unhappily partnered.

[Little_Eyes]

It's thinking that *any* man is better than being single that gets people stuck in horrible, unhappy marriages. If you hold out for a great partner, sure, you might not find that person and end up single. But it's still better than being unhappily partnered.]

Just wanted to say I 100% agree! I wish I could like this or set it as a status or something.... This should be on a list of the 100 best FJ Quotables.

[liltwinstar]

the wedding pics: ccostelloDOTblogspotDOTcom/2008/04/wedding.html

(for those who know Jewish rules better than I do - I thought once a woman was married, she had to cover her head, yet in the dancing pics, Anna's not wearing a veil. Is that ok because she's in the women-only section?)

[lilah]

I have been reading Anna for years. I thought it was very interesting that she always dresses very plain with no make up and does nothing to her hair, but wore heavy make up, big curls and nail polish for her wedding. She didn't even look like herself. I just think it is weird that you would want to look like a stranger on your wedding day.

I almost never do make up, rarely get my nails done and usually wear my hair in a ponytail but I had make up, hair done and nails painted when I got married. It was a special occasion. *shrugs* Most women get really done up for their wedding day. I still think I mostly looked like myself, just a more glammed up version.

She has a point, at least within her own community. The fact is, it's not uncommon for women (and some men) to be uninterested in settling down in their 20's, then spend their 30's and 40's wishing they could go back and do things differently. At least, that's the case in my own religious community, and I suspect the same is true for Orthodox Jews. I don't quite 'get' that mentality myself, but I can't deny that it happens.

I do wonder the sociological reasons why groups are so highly motivated and pressured to get married (orthodox Jews and fundie christians) often have such a freaking hard time finding Mr or Mrs right. I suspect the lack of dating and constantly conditioning not to think of their peers in a sexual or romantic light at all unless they are courting and then they're expect to magically flip a switch and fall in love in 6 months and married within a year. (granted some orthodox Jews will take a vow of Shomer Negiah which means not to touch members of the opposite sex and then they marry the first person they feel serious about)

Although I think orthodox Jews don't really believe in partriarchal headship and having your parents decide have a bit more leeway about interacting with protential romantic partners

[YPestis]

I kind of yawned when I read that article. It's another "oh! the horrors of singlehood!".

Her advice is typical of conservative cultures which venerate marriage, often to the point of training young girls to solely prepare for this one goal in life (what happens after marriage? I guess you start preparing your daughters for marriage!).

I'm glad that Anna managed to find a man she is satisfied with (although his ability to provide seems spotty at times), but it also irks me she may never have sympathy or understanding of those that have difficulties finding a good spouse. Not everyone can be "courted" by a guy for a couple of weeks, then get married and immediately start popping out babies. We may never know how Anna really feels with sleeping with a man with whom she have only seen for a month and never even held hands until her wedding day, however, I never thought what she ascribed for her marriage was healthy or nature.

[Purple]

I do wonder the sociological reasons why groups are so highly motivated and pressured to get married (orthodox Jews and fundie christians) often have such a freaking hard time finding Mr or Mrs right. I suspect the lack of dating and constantly conditioning not to think of their peers in a sexual or romantic light at all unless they are courting and then they're expect to magically flip a switch and fall in love in 6 months and married within a year. (granted some orthodox Jews will take a vow of Shomer Negiah which means not to touch members of the opposite sex and then they marry the first person they feel serious about)

Although I think orthodox Jews don't really believe in partriarchal headship and having your parents decide have a bit more leeway about interacting with protential romantic partners

I think it's because the consequences for choosing the wrong person are so dire. I'm not minimizing the financial and emotional impact of divorce on secular women, but it's a much bigger deal in most religious circles. Orthodox Judaism's requirement that the husband agree to a divorce make it even worse. If I knew I'd be forced to stay with the man no matter what he did, and I only had a few months to make a decision, I'd be ridiculously picky - the circumstances don't allow for anything less.

[Childless]

Ugh. I hate people like this. I didn't get married until I was 34 years old. The reason why I didn't get married until I was that old was because I didn't meet my husband until then. I never felt lonely in my twenties. I didn't spend my time pining away for a man. I built my career. I traveled the world. I spent time enjoying hobbies. I had fun. If I had gotten married earlier, then i would have married the wrong man. My husband is perfect for me and I can't imagine marrying anyone else. If I had gotten married earlier, my beautiful son wouldn't be here and I can't imagine my life without him. Things work out the way they should in my opinion. No sense in wasting the only life you have being upset and depressed. Take what life has given you and live it to its fullest.

Words of wisdom: If you aren't happy without a partner, you'll never be happy with one.

[emmyfair]

My grandma always told be it's better to be unhappily me than unhappily we. At the very, very least the former offers the hope of change.

I do feel really sorry for Anna in a way - I don't think that spiraling into a fundie hardcore lifestyle was the answer to her perceived permiscuous relationship in her teens. If she was unhappy with the way things ended, it would have been better to learn and grow inside from the experience, instead of making the fatal fundie mistake in believing what you wear and do on the outside will change who you are.

[Guest Anonymous]

Blah blah... Anna T always returns to this failsafe topic when she has run out of other things to write about. :angry-soapbox:

[liltwinstar]

Seems to me her English is getting more stilted and formal, too. Way back before she was married, I was really surprised when she said her first language was Russian. She wrote like a native speaker/writer of English.

Now, though - it's not wrong, it's just more formal and slightly awkward. I'm guessing she doesn't have a much time to read in English or to do her translations (something she did to make $$ before she was married, also). Makes sense given that she has two little girls at home, so I'm not faulting her for that, it's just interesting.

(I guess I shouldn't judge - my Russian is *terrible* and I don't have little kids to blame that on!)

[defrauding]

Anna's post is hardly unusual: Orthodox Jews have worried about the "shidduch crisis" in their community for years. (Shidduch is the matchmaking system they use.) Take a look at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkl0FbqeXj4, for example.

My less-than-sympathetic summary of the shidduch crisis: "Waah! We can't find suitable partners for ourselves or our children because of our grossly unrealistic expectations and requirements! Waah!"

[clarinetpower]

I got married at 22*, but the difference between my wedding pictures and Anna T's is...

I was SMILING. :mrgreen:

(Sheesh. What is up with that?) :cry:

*Note: my first child was born at 33, my second at 36. And we have a great relationship because of those 11 years of just us. :)

[DistantStar]

35, no kids, don't really want any (though I like other people's) and been through two major relationships. If I had married the man I wanted to marry at 25 I can't imagine we'd still be married.

[thread hijack]Of course I'm sure as somebody with a physical disability I am not supposed to even think about stuff like sex and marriage anyway, becuse my job is probably to be hidden away except when being brought out to be "inspirational" and crap like that. I'm sure my non-virginal state would be truly horrifying to a number of fundies on that basis alone.[/thread hijack]