Judgmental Fundamentalist Mommy Cliques

[tinuviel]

I know that fundies don't have a monopoly on judgmental behavior, but I'm noticing it more and more among the fundy women in my life (sadly). I don't know that they've actually changed so much, but they were role models when I was younger and more fundy myself, and now the blinders are coming off.

The fundy men I know can of course be judgmental assholes, but they don't seem to gang up on people so much, and they're more likely to judge beliefs than behavior in a certain sense. I've noticed that they don't usually sit down and tell me how unholy I am. Instead we get into protracted debates about creationism and they just tell me I'm a heretic.

Anyway, I'm getting more interested in the whole Fundy Mom clique phenomenon and the way they gang up on outsider women. A good friend of mine (who's extremely conservative religiously and dresses the part) just got reamed by some of her fundier sisters for putting subtle highlights in her hair, for instance. She also gets pretty harshly judged for complaining about legitimately problematic situations. "You're not trusting God. You're complaining instead of offering it up." Etc. You've all heard it before.

My theory is that this behavior is an extension of the True Believer coping mechanism that a lot of Fundamentalist women employ. Being poor isn't stressful and difficult--it's an opportunity to be virtuous! Underemployed husbands don't need to get their shit together--women just need to pray harder! They deal with problems they can't escape by making a big holiness narrative out of it, and then they take their frustrations out on other women since they aren't allowed to take them out on their husbands or God.

What do you all think about this?

[finleeport]

I use to think that the only way for these Fundamentalist women to gain some independent power, is by telling people about the bible, etc. etc. and even gang-up non-christian women.

Dog eat Dog.

[Wolfie]

Anyway, I'm getting more interested in the whole Fundy Mom clique phenomenon and the way they gang up on outsider women. A good friend of mine (who's extremely conservative religiously and dresses the part) just got reamed by some of her fundier sisters for putting subtle highlights in her hair, for instance. She also gets pretty harshly judged for complaining about legitimately problematic situations. "You're not trusting God. You're complaining instead of offering it up." Etc. You've all heard it before.

I don't think that this is limited to "fundy cliques." You'll see judgement from women towards women all the time- look at the babywearers, the non-vaxxers, the working moms, the sahms.... Even if you have kids or don't have kids.... It isn't every woman who does it, but I think it is generally something that women are prone to doing if they don't watch themself.

(I know I'm guilty of judging, I am the most critical of my cousins and their choices.)

[ilovetchotchkes]

I don't think that this is limited to "fundy cliques." You'll see judgement from women towards women all the time- look at the babywearers, the non-vaxxers, the working moms, the sahms.... Even if you have kids or don't have kids.... It isn't every woman who does it, but I think it is generally something that women are prone to doing if they don't watch themself.

(I know I'm guilty of judging, I am the most critical of my cousins and their choices.)

Motherhood, i'm finding, is like high school ALL OVER AGAIN. G-d forbid you do something that isn't mainstream, OR G-d forbid you do crunchy things that aren't mainstream but NOT ALL CRUNCHY THINGS (IE, I let my kid have sugar occasionally. Its not poison! ). Its insane.

[tropaka]

No kidding it's like highschool again, no matter what clique you're in. "Oh my God, you let your 4 y/o have a McNugget? You fed your kid DAIRY?`` Any group has it`s judgemental idiots - although I`d be especially peeved if someone said `you weren`t submitting enough or leaving enough to God to sort out for you``

[pfamilygal]

Yup. I've let myself be surrounded by some of these judgmental fundy moms for a long time. I feel like the last six months I've been shaking myself free.

[tinuviel]

Pfamilygal, I feel you there. When I was a teenager I really looked up to some of the pretty and popular fundy moms, but as I grow older I'm increasingly sure that I could NOT be friends with most of them long term. Acquaintances--fine, but not real friends. I'm in a constant state of self-censoring or apology/self-defense around them, and it's really not worth the effort.

I'm really bummed to hear that cliques are still an issue in adulthood. I guess it shouldn't be surprising, but somehow I'd always been kind of oblivious to this. It makes me wonder who I'm going to hang out with and be friends with once The Fiance and I start having kids...school was pretty brutal for me, and I don't think I "fit" so well in the grown-up cliques I've come across either. I'd like to try out the WAHM/SAHM thing at some point, but I'm a liberal, swearing book nerd who just wants to raise goats in relative peace. Presumably I am not alone in this, and I will someday find my nerd kindred.

I guess another reason why fundy moms might all stick together is that they have to feel weird every time they go to Wal-Mart in their frumperwear. One way to avoid feeling crazy isolated is to isolate the crazy people and feed off each other for bonding and pseudo-normalcy. And assurance that you're right about everything after all, because look how evil all of those harlots are *etc etc etc*!

[ilovetchotchkes]

Pfamilygal, I feel you there. When I was a teenager I really looked up to some of the pretty and popular fundy moms, but as I grow older I'm increasingly sure that I could NOT be friends with most of them long term. Acquaintances--fine, but not real friends. I'm in a constant state of self-censoring or apology/self-defense around them, and it's really not worth the effort.

I'm really bummed to hear that cliques are still an issue in adulthood. I guess it shouldn't be surprising, but somehow I'd always been kind of oblivious to this. It makes me wonder who I'm going to hang out with and be friends with once The Fiance and I start having kids...school was pretty brutal for me, and I don't think I "fit" so well in the grown-up cliques I've come across either. I'd like to try out the WAHM/SAHM thing at some point, but I'm a liberal, swearing book nerd who just wants to raise goats in relative peace. Presumably I am not alone in this, and I will someday find my nerd kindred.

I guess another reason why fundy moms might all stick together is that they have to feel weird every time they go to Wal-Mart in their frumperwear. One way to avoid feeling crazy isolated is to isolate the crazy people and feed off each other for bonding and pseudo-normalcy. And assurance that you're right about everything after all, because look how evil all of those harlots are *etc etc etc*!

You are not alone. I want chickens instead of goats but my alderman is a beotch and won't even bring it up before the city council. I'm planning on going above her head. I"m a SAHM for financial reasons- we simply cannot afford a second mortgage's worth of daycare each month!!!

[luv2laugh]

Anytime any of my friends complain about something to this one Fundie-lite friend of mine, she will always say that they are in sin because they are not trusting in God and yes, "leaving it up to him." Anytime I or anyone else tell her about decision we have to make, she will always say "Pray about it." It doesn't matter how big or small the question is... I could say, "Should I wear that yellow shirt today?" and she will say "Pray about it." as an excuse in order to avoid listening to people.

[FarmWife]

Pfamilygal, I feel you there. When I was a teenager I really looked up to some of the pretty and popular fundy moms, but as I grow older I'm increasingly sure that I could NOT be friends with most of them long term... I'm in a constant state of self-censoring or apology/self-defense around them, and it's really not worth the effort.

Exactly. For me, too.