Maxwell 53: Escaping the Borg by Marriage. Who'd Have Thought Sarah?

[fundiefan]

I am not a sweets person so I never really paid attention to Maxwell desserts. Their food though - more often than not, it was not only not appealing to me, it grossed me out. Some of the slop they made was just...well...slop. Teri's SOS - chipped beef, chicken, slop & more slop - was among the most disgusting examples of "food" I've ever seen. I am all for getting creative, particularly with leftovers, but they don't have enough independent thought or imagination to come up with anything tasteful. Some of Anna's concoctions were scary. Teri even managed to completely ruin seven layer salad - which is a concoction unto its own and she couldn't even keep that as is without complicating it & making it awful. 

Aside from their food being pretty gross, they are very stingy with it. It's a total control thing. Whenever they'd have pictures of them at the table, the plates were so sad looking next to a simple glass of water. One bean burrito & a glass of water. One bowl of leftover soup & a glass of water. One taco at Taco Bell & a glass of water. Steve wouldn't even allow the joy of food in that house and it is disturbing AF to me. 

[caitrona]

1 hour ago, Hane said:

Their cooking and baking remind me of the Mennonite Community Cookbook I bought in Lancaster County PA, when I first visited my future inlaws there, back in the early ‘80s. The book contains lots of great baking recipes, but the other ones range from hopelessly bland to revolting.

My older sister moved to Missouri and gave me an extra copy of their junior league cookbook.  My mom grew up in New Orleans, and I have a collection of about 6 different junior league cookbooks, and while the desserts are fairly similar, all other categories are WILDLY different.  MOJL featured many forms of jello salad with interesting add-ins (tuna salad was the one that horrified me most), and the most exotic spice was 1/8th tsp of cumin for an "enchilada" recipe serving at least 12 people.  I've always pitied the people who followed that one exactly. 🤣

[theologygeek]

8 hours ago, allyisyourpally5 said:

I was more snarky on the portion sizes then the blandness, as discussed. I also remember a “Neighbor Ladies Lunch” where Teri said she led the conversation to avoid individual conversations breaking out, and there was one strawberry for each person.

It would be hilarious if she hosted a bunch of Italian Americans.  Everyone is yelling at once, there is nothing but individual conversations, and there would be someone who said "Where the hell are the strawberries?"  

[feministxtian]

12 minutes ago, theologygeek said:

It would be hilarious if she hosted a bunch of Italian Americans.  Everyone is yelling at once, there is nothing but individual conversations, and there would be someone who said "Where the hell are the strawberries?"

She'd poop herself sitting at the dinner table w/my German family. There'd be drinking, cussing, arguing, more food than you could shake a stick at, no less than 4 conversations going on at once, in English AND German and a game of penochle for money...OR she could be cursed w/my Cuban family. Take the number of people at the table, multiply it by 2 or 3 and that's how many conversations would be going on in Spanish, English and Spanglish. No arguments, we get loud just because we get loud. Again, more food than you could shake a stick at, kids running wild, various useless threats to level a chancla at whichever offending person that's just being an ass. There'd be a few "chinga su madre" and "no habla mierda" or "no comes mierda", "pendejo" and other interesting words and phrases floating around. 

[usmcmom]

5 hours ago, patsymae said:

I think if I were at a lunch where one person decided to direct the entire conversation I would have left, strawberry be damned.

Oh I’d take the strawberry. I’d balance it on my palm and clumsily grab my purse as I wiggled from my chair. “Frankly, Teri,” I’d say “This has been a huge letdown. I was expecting to learn how to cut lettuce with a pizza cutter!”

Then, I’d pull a pizza cutter from my purse and say “And don’t even ask me if there’s a Romaine heart in my bag.”

*storms out, but not before petting their dog and cat. 

[HoneyBunny]

1 hour ago, theologygeek said:

It would be hilarious if she hosted a bunch of Italian Americans.  Everyone is yelling at once, there is nothing but individual conversations, and there would be someone who said "Where the hell are the strawberries?"  

OMG, this reminds me so much of a bar we stopped into in Portofino. A husband and wife ran the bar and one wouldn’t talk until the other started to talked, and they both talked over each other. Then silence. Then it started again. I burst out laughing and when they asked told them why. They laughed too, but said it was the Italian way. 

[theologygeek]

15 minutes ago, HoneyBunny said:

OMG, this reminds me so much of a bar we stopped into in Portofino. A husband and wife ran the bar and one wouldn’t talk until the other started to talked, and they both talked over each other. Then silence. Then it started again. I burst out laughing and when they asked told them why. They laughed too, but said it was the Italian way. 

It is the Italian way. We were all raised the same, no matter what part of the world.  

[MamaJunebug]

Both my folks came from families with six surviving children. None of those individuals who married had more than 3 children. Most had 2.
 

A friend of mine came from a family of 10. She and her husband had 8, at which time she said she’d “done enough for the Catholic Church.”  Those 8 were among 73 grandchildren for my friend’s folks. 
 

She has - IIRC - 28 grandchildren now. Or 30. And there’s still one boy unhitched. TTBOMK none of her children has celebrated a first wedding anniversary without a newborn. 
 

A year ago this just made me smile & shake my head and go, “Each to their own.”  A few weeks ago she exulted that the overturn of Roe fell on St. John The Baptist’s saint day, so every year henceforward the day would be a double celebration. 
 

I still like her, but I don’t wanna talk to her anymore. Ever. Good thing we’re both busy with our own lives.  Apologies for the soliloquy.  I had to get it out.  

[MamaJunebug]

15 hours ago, kpmom said:

Remember their Thanksgiving menu where the only sort of veggie we could see was a 7 layer salad.  And it was in one 9x13 pan for something around 20 people.  

No snark to those of us who make 7-layer salad in a pan. If that’s what you use and it tastes good, DO IT.

Hiwever: Big Mama JB made hers in a clear bowl that was about 8” deep and the first time she presented it, it was so pretty!!

 Steve would’ve had a conniption fit if not a heart attack. It tasted good? There was enough for seconds? And it was attractive to the eye?!

Get out the Baptist equivalent of holy water!!! 
 

[Melissa1977]

1 strawberry for dessert? I suppose you mean 1 strawberry on the top of a chocolate cake, or 1 strawberry in a fruit salad or 1 strawberry to decorate a cheescake or.... But yeah, it's Maxwells!

Some of the leftover recipes involved too old food and family was at risk of food poisoning. It wasn't tacky or funny, it was irresponsible!

[fundiefan]

6 hours ago, MamaJunebug said:

No snark to those of us who make 7-layer salad in a pan. If that’s what you use and it tastes good, DO IT.

Hiwever: Big Mama JB made hers in a clear bowl that was about 8” deep and the first time she presented it, it was so pretty!!

 Steve would’ve had a conniption fit if not a heart attack. It tasted good? There was enough for seconds? And it was attractive to the eye?!

Get out the Baptist equivalent of holy water!!! 
 

My mom was our family's seven layer salad queen. Giant, clear glass bowl, detailed to the hilt, attention to how everything in the bowl was set; it was a work of art. She doesn't make it anymore as she is older and it's too hard for her frail health,  Many have tried to replicate it and it tastes the same but never looks as good. My sister, who now has the bowl, has taken over the job in general and like I said, it's very good, but she is not nearly as skilled as my mother was in presentation. 

[samurai_sarah]

On 7/12/2022 at 12:34 AM, ElizaB said:

I’m going to get downvoted for this but I’m going to say it : I think the maxwells get more snark for their food then they deserve. 

IIRC, they started leaving meat out of their burritos, because Steve-hova couldn't taste the difference between burritos with meat vs bean burritos. He couldn't taste it, so everyone else had to follow suit. That made me side-eye their recipes. Taking someone's dislikes/allergies into account is one thing, but between him denying Teri some Pepsi and then further imposing his tastes?

If you ask me, they got snarked on it, due to the absolute patriarchy Steve was trying to enforce. And in the blog posts, they tried to make that out to be a good thing. The issue for me is that they tried to sell Steve-hova's personal tastes as the way to salvation. Well, he isn't the messiah, he's just a very naughty boy! (With my apologies to Monty Python.)

[kpmom]

8 hours ago, MamaJunebug said:

No snark to those of us who make 7-layer salad in a pan. If that’s what you use and it tastes good, DO IT.

 

None at all! 

In fact, my sister usually brings a 7 layer salad to our holiday meals.  But, we definitely don't consider it (or mashed potatoes) a vegetable.  And she always brings plenty for all of us, and some nice leftovers later.

The portion sizes of their meals, along with the meh meal itself, always seemed snark-worthy to me.  

 

27 minutes ago, samurai_sarah said:

IIRC, they started leaving meat out of their burritos, because Steve-hova couldn't taste the difference between burritos with meat vs bean burritos. He couldn't taste it, so everyone else had to follow suit. That made me side-eye their recipes. Taking someone's dislikes/allergies into account is one thing, but between him denying Teri some Pepsi and then further imposing his tastes?

 

Do you remember when NR-Anna was pregnant, and they did a blog post of the Maxwell sisters helping her make and freeze burritos for easy dinners?  We all noticed they added meat in those recipes!

Obviously, NR-Anna, who seemed to be a very good cook, could tell the difference, and wasn't having any of Steve's rules in her house! 

[molecule]

My mom made seven-layer salad in a 9x13 pan and so do I,  for the same reason: every spoonful (or tongsful) gets all seven layers. In a bowl, the first few folks get all the yummy bacon and cheese, not leaving much for those who come through the line later. It isn't nearly as lovely to look at, but it ensures fair distribution of the yummiest bits.

[fundiefan]

Now I really want seven layer salad. I have to find a way to make it for one. 

[Alisamer]

9 hours ago, MamaJunebug said:

A few weeks ago she exulted that the overturn of Roe fell on St. John The Baptist’s saint day, so every year henceforward the day would be a double celebration. 

Perhaps you might mention to her that St. John's feast day was chosen due to it's proximity to the solstice, and is also celebrated as Midsummer in many areas particularly in the UK, where many pagan-derived celebrations are held all day. And that day is also enjoyed and celebrated by many modern witches and pagans. This video has a lot of info on how the feast day for St. John and the pre-existing pagan traditions have become all tangled up together. It has a British focus. 

1 hour ago, samurai_sarah said:

If you ask me, they got snarked on it, due to the absolute patriarchy Steve was trying to enforce. And in the blog posts, they tried to make that out to be a good thing. The issue for me is that they tried to sell Steve-hova's personal tastes as the way to salvation. Well, he isn't the messiah, he's just a very naughty boy! (With my apologies to Monty Python.)

Yeah I think that's really it. Like, I don't care what food they prefer. Meat burritos, bean burritos, whatever. But the thing is how controlling Steve was about it. No meat because HE can't taste the difference. One strawberry. Two animal crackers. No Pepsi, because he thought Teri was treating it as an idol. 

With the Maxwells, to me, the snark is always about how Steve seems to think he is the one arbiter of how to get to heaven, and he ruthlessly weeded out any hint of fun, because suffering is Godly or something. 

It's also how it's so shocking that the girls have changed so much in the past year.

I hope Sarah finds a wedding dress that makes her feel beautiful and amazing and doesn't think for one second about what Steve would prefer her to wear. 

[Zee]

12 hours ago, theologygeek said:

It would be hilarious if she hosted a bunch of Italian Americans.  Everyone is yelling at once, there is nothing but individual conversations, and there would be someone who said "Where the hell are the strawberries?"  

 

12 hours ago, feministxtian said:

She'd poop herself sitting at the dinner table w/my German family. There'd be drinking, cussing, arguing, more food than you could shake a stick at, no less than 4 conversations going on at once, in English AND German and a game of penochle for money...OR she could be cursed w/my Cuban family. Take the number of people at the table, multiply it by 2 or 3 and that's how many conversations would be going on in Spanish, English and Spanglish. No arguments, we get loud just because we get loud. Again, more food than you could shake a stick at, kids running wild, various useless threats to level a chancla at whichever offending person that's just being an ass. There'd be a few "chinga su madre" and "no habla mierda" or "no comes mierda", "pendejo" and other interesting words and phrases floating around. 

My Irish American or my Swedish family would probably have her grabbing for the smelling salts. Not only are there about as many conversations as there are people, in several languages, and with people taking part in several conversations at the same time. Not everyone is sitting down and we are probably tasting things off each other’s plates. And if you are really lucky there are also some dogs roaming around.   🤣🤣

[Alisamer]

Teri would probably also be shocked at any Southern family's table. Just from the sheer amount of food, and how everyone is encouraged to go for seconds and take a plate home. And of course all the talking. So much talking. 

[browngrl]

re: food quantity  I come from an Indian family whose favourite things to do are: arguing and eating. Our gatherings are loud and the amount of food would make Steve faint. It is the Indian way LOL. One of my sister's close friends is Italian and my sister invited her friend + family to one of our gatherings. The noise level, food level and fun level were amazing. 

re: bean burritos  I often make bean burritos without meat. Not to brag, but they taste delicious. It's the spices and cooking techniques that make all the difference. Steve's bland pasty burritos pale in comparison.

[Zee]

4 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Teri would probably also be shocked at any Southern family's table. Just from the sheer amount of food, and how everyone is encouraged to go for seconds and take a plate home. And of course all the talking. So much talking. 

Oh yes. The quantities of food!! My dad makes two or three mains and at least two different types of potatoes…for our normal family Sunday dinner. My brother, his girlfriend, and I usually bring containers so we can have lunch at least on Monday 😁

[Hane]

@caitrona, I also laugh and cry at those under-seasoned recipes. I once saw a parody that said things like “add one molecule of chili powder [optional]” or “wave a clove of garlic at the salad from a distance.” A colleague said she grew up in a house where the only seasoning was salt, and one of the kids cried when he saw mushrooms on a pizza. In a Lancaster PA restaurant, I heard a waitress praising the quality of a certain food (might have been scrapple) because it wasn’t “overly spiced.”

When I married Ex-Mr-Hane-#2, I flat-out told him he was not allowed to get on my child’s case for “interrupting, because “Have you MET the rest of my family?”

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

17 hours ago, feministxtian said:

Life is to be enjoyed, not suffered through. 

Mr. Dress always says that fundies carry their faith like a heavy burden, rather than the joy that it is.

[catlady]

14 hours ago, caitrona said:

and the most exotic spice was 1/8th tsp of cumin for an "enchilada" recipe serving at least 12 people.  I've always pitied the people who followed that one exactly. 🤣

my rule of thumb is that if you like the spice/seasoning in question, double or triple it.  i make pumpkin pie that my entire family likes, and for a two-pie (30 oz of pumpkin recipe, i use two heaping tablespoons of cinnamon, and two to three generous teaspoons each of ginger, nutmeg, and ground cloves.  the recipe calls for teaspoons of cinnamon, and 1/4 to 1/2 tsp of the other three.

1 hour ago, samurai_sarah said:

IIRC, they started leaving meat out of their burritos, because Steve-hova couldn't taste the difference between burritos with meat vs bean burritos. He couldn't taste it, so everyone else had to follow suit. That made me side-eye their recipes. Taking someone's dislikes/allergies into account is one thing, but between him denying Teri some Pepsi and then further imposing his tastes?

If you ask me, they got snarked on it, due to the absolute patriarchy Steve was trying to enforce. And in the blog posts, they tried to make that out to be a good thing. The issue for me is that they tried to sell Steve-hova's personal tastes as the way to salvation. Well, he isn't the messiah, he's just a very naughty boy! (With my apologies to Monty Python.)

i'm pretty sure this is how the two animal crackers happened-- it was Shevehova's birthday and he was dieting, so no cake or sweets were allowed in the house, for anyone.  so after dinner when they went to sing happy birthday, it felt awkward to sing over no dessert, so the only thing they could find in the pantry was a box of animal crackers, and they doled out two per person.      

10 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Teri would probably also be shocked at any Southern family's table. Just from the sheer amount of food, and how everyone is encouraged to go for seconds and take a plate home. And of course all the talking. So much talking. 

She'd pass out over our New York version of Sunday dinner for ten, too.  normal is meat, potatoes/rice, two vegetables, bread, and salad.  then more for holidays; we usually do two turkeys in the 15-20 lb range; the second one is so that there are enough drumsticks to go around and everyone has leftovers to take home.  

[fundiefan]

I went to their blog looking for the seven layer salad post and read this one:

https://blog.titus2.com/2009/07/17/a-taste-at-home-beefzucchini-pot-pie/

The Maxwell's had not cooked with zucchini until 2009.

If that doesn't tell you how controlled, regimented & methodical their diet is, I don't know what does. Steve controlled them to such an extent they didn't eat/cook with one of the most common vegetables in the country. 

They would all totally freak at any of my family dinners as well. All the food & leftovers, the variety, the thinking that leftovers are a good thing & our excitement for them, the number of conversations, the people all over the place, kids & pets everywhere. There is nothing controlled or Stevehovah godly about any of our family dinners whether immediate family of 18 or full on extended family of 50+. It is not unusual to have 3 or 4 kinds of potatoes, several vegetable dishes from basic green beans to Ratatouille; a choice of rolls, several salads...I am making myself hungry but the Maxwell offspring really have no idea what they've been missing. Maybe now that they're out of the fathership they have a little more experience with other ways of eating - I hope so. I can't imagine a life where you don't know about zucchini until you're an adult. 

 

Edited July 13, 2022 by fundiefan

[Alisamer]

16 minutes ago, fundiefan said:

I can't imagine a life where you don't know about zucchini until you're an adult. 

I probably knew about it before adulthood, but zucchini was something we never had growing up. 

My mom did most of the cooking, largely with veggies we'd grown, so I'm guessing she doesn't like zucchini. She doesn't like rice either so we didn't get that very often. Dad would sometimes make some, but mom didn't. 

And mom would get on me for being "picky". Now as adults, I still have the same food preferences, but we're having to cater to HER being "picky" now when we go out somewhere. We finally after lots of convincing got her to eat teriyaki chicken, once in a long while. I tried to convince her sweet & sour chicken from the local Chinese place was just chicken tenders with sweet & sour sauce but she wasn't buying it.