Duggars by the Dozen 26 - Double Baked Duggars

[PreciousPantsofDoom]

Dating!  Feelings! Relationships!  Aagh!

Dating more than one person at a time in a non exclusive way would have made me anxious as hell. It generally takes me a while to decide how I feel about a person, partly because I was never very quick to figure out my own feelings. Even when I know people better I still need lots of alone time to sort of process my interactions with other people.  

I did date a bit in High School, back in the 1980's, but consciously decided to stop for a couple of years after that. One boyfriend had turned out to have another girlfriend that I didn't know about (which was confusing to me until I figured out what was going on.) Another boyfriend was more interested in me than I ultimately was in him, and I found that equally confusing, until I figured out how I felt.  I think I was just not quite ready to have a real relationship.  Luckily for me, my decision to stop dating happened at the end of High School; I broke up with Mr Over Interested and left for University.

I say luckily because I think there was a fair bit of cultural pressure to date when I was that age, so suddenly not dating would have attracted some negative attention.  Every High School girl I knew was either dating or wished she was.  Only the seriously uncool did not.  Dating meant you had a boyfriend. You hung out with him at school when you could.  You might do your homework together after school or go to the mall. You probably went to a movie or a party at someone's house or to a school dance or something on the weekend. You definitely made out with him, but you were not necessarily sleeping with him. It was  assumed that it would be mutually exclusive.  It generally lasted anything from a few weeks to a few months.  Only a few people dated the same person all through High School.  

In the end, I made friends  in University that I hung around with a lot.  We got to know each other really well-as friends.  Many of them were male and are still among my best friends today. One of them is Mr PPOD. (Well doesn't that sentence sound very, "Reader, I married him.")  What turned out to be best for me was getting to know people well, over time, as friends first, with no pressure to date. Making the conversion from friend to boyfriend was a little awkward at first, but we seemed to get over that! 

I think things like Tindr or the idea of making up my mind to go exclusive after only a date or two or any of those types of dating would have me in a state of high anxiety.  I'm just not wired that way.  

OMG, I just realized that I totally got my MRS degree at University.  In my defense I also picked up two academic degrees at the same time.  Also, as Singsingsing said, it IS easier to get to know people as friends first before deciding to be in a relationship when you are at school seeing your friends daily. 

 

 

[Fun Undies]

52 minutes ago, Chickenbutt said:

What does not talking mean in this context? Relationship finding (guess I can't call it dating anymore) is so confusing to me these days.

Certainly you don't mean that you literally can't talk to a male co worker/student/friend. Could you go out for coffee with a male friend?

Lol, no for us it meant not talking to other people in the sense of actively pursuing an emotional relationship that would lead to something else.

Neither of us have issues with the other one talking to anybody or anything like that.  We were just very upfront right away that neither of us would pursue anyone else romantically, while we were getting to know one another

[Londish]

11 hours ago, Fun Undies said:

Lol, no for us it meant not talking to other people in the sense of actively pursuing an emotional relationship that would lead to something else.

Neither of us have issues with the other one talking to anybody or anything like that.  We were just very upfront right away that neither of us would pursue anyone else romantically, while we were getting to know one another

This is something I've noticed about my generation (I'm 24). Saying you're "talking to" someone means kind of informally seeing each other. It can get confusing in a forum like this when reading the words talking to without any context, but in person you can generally tell what "talking to" means. It doesn't seem like as millenials we aren't dating, we just talk to someone, or text someone, or hang out with someone or a loooong period of time before any commitment happens. That "what are we?" conversation doesn't seem to happen as early on.

"We" not meaning every millenial, of course, just a general I have noticed. My bf and I were exclusive after our first date and almost 5 years later, haven't looked back.

[HereticHick]

14 hours ago, Chickenbutt said:

Actually, I went on a date with Mr. Butt and became exclusive from that first date on. But I knew I would marry him after that first date. I even called my mom the next morning and told her I just went out with the guy I was going to marry....lol. She laughed.

Me too, almost. During the first date I was thinking "I could absolutely marry this guy." And then I tried to get that thought out of my head because it seemed so ridiculous!

[front hugs > duggs]

I tried the dating thing after college, pretty unsuccessfully. I just got too awkward on a first date and really didn't express my true self.  I met Mr. Front Hugs in a group setting, and the first several times we hung out, it was in a group setting (in our 20's) as it was more a bunch of people hanging out/partying together. We just clicked, and I think it worked so well because there was no pressure on me in a group setting to try too hard to impress one person, so he was able to be attracted to me for my true self. Okay, that sounds corny as fuck. But it's kind of true!

Right before and I guess during those first few parties with my now husband, I was talking to someone from high school (used here as talking to with intent of emotional connection). He lived a couple hours away, but our texts got pretty damn flirtatious/sexual. He came home to visit his parents one weekend and we hung out with friends, ended up holding hands, but both became too nervous to make a move. He went back to the city where he was living, the talking and flirtation continued, and we made plans to see each other next time he was home, 2 months later. I actually got anxiety knowing he was coming home and we had plans to get together, because I had started getting more interested in Mr. Front Hugs. While we weren't exclusive by any means, I decided that I just didn't want to be with anyone else besides my now husband and told high school guy I wasn't available any longer. 

[JMO]

16 hours ago, patsymae said:

Not as much as me. In my day, back when Jesus was holding  baby dinosaurs

HAHAHAHA.  This was great.  And such an appropriate metaphor on the Duggar thread when they believe cavemen could actually hold and ride dinosaurs.  It's right there in the Creation Museum!

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

19 hours ago, rexasaurus_nirb said:

*Snipped for space*

Just wanted to note that making sweeping generalizations about islam is not ideal. I see a lot of nuance in our discussions here about the different types of Christian and I recall at least one other time when Islam was kind of used in a negative sense. Muslims, just like Christians, range from those who are quite conservative and yes, would cover up more than the Duggars, to those who wear shorts and tanks in the summer and bikinis on the beach. This message isn't directed at any particular person, just wanted to put it out there for future thought, especially due to the current intense level of Islamophobia right now in the USA and abroad. 

I wasn't suggesting that being Muslim was bad or it was bad for being modest I just found it a funny statement that she would say the Duggar girls aren't modest in dress.  I'm not anti Muslim, or anti religion of any kind.  I was just asking if she was Muslim since they are they are the 2nd largest faith in the world. 

[lumpentheologie]

23 hours ago, Gillyweed said:

Does anyone else think that relationships in college move faster? My friend thinks we're moving too fast, but it's weird because we live in the same dorm building, so we've just been hanging out a lot since it's so convenient. 

I definitely think relationships can move a lot faster in college. My first college boyfriend and I were in the same freshman dorm (same hallway even) and because we had already spent so much time together as friends (really only about 3 months but it was an intense and exciting time), things moved pretty fast. We were very serious after only a few weeks, spent every night together, etc. 

Post-college dating is totally different. I never really "dated" in the sense of going on "dates" until after college, because before that I just started a relationship with someone I already knew from school or friends. When you get a job and move to a new city, you're busy, adult life is more complicated, and seeing someone more than once or twice a week seems like A LOT when you first meet them. At least that's how it was for me. 

As far as exclusivity goes, I think it varies a ton by region and social group.  I grew up in a small town and there the assumption was if you were having sex with someone multiple times you were exclusive.  When I moved away and went to college I discovered the hard way that this was not the assumption there. It hasn't been anywhere else I've lived either -- most everyone I know, unless very conservative, sleeps with someone they're seeing first and only after a bit, if things are going well, they have the "exclusivity talk" which usually corresponds with becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. Not that they're necessarily seeing other people as well, but there's the understanding that they could be. So I would second @singsingsing's suggestion that you check about exclusivity. 

In my social circle there seem to be several different "seriousness-levels" of being sexually/romantically involved with someone (all of which pretty much involve sex from very early on).  The most casual is just someone you're sleeping with/friends with benefits, then comes "seeing" someone, which means dating them casually/"for fun" but with more emotional intimacy than FWB, then "dating" proper, meaning that you really like each other and might see it developing into a bf/gf relationship.  Then the relationship itself, which is the line between single/not-single. In my two post-college relationships that led to bf/gf, we "dated" for several months before declaring ourselves a couple. For me at least, I'm only willing to be someone's girlfriend if I'm already in love with them, but of course some other people aren't so hesitant to commit.  

As for people not personally knowing anyone who isn't exclusive, as others have said, you might without knowing it. I'm in an open relationship now and not that many people know about it, including some people I consider fairly close friends. Internet dating is really useful for finding people who are on board with that from the get go. Personally I don't have any other serious romantic relationships (and don't want any, at least at this point), but I do have several people I'm "seeing" and some FWBs. 

[marmalade]

Thank you thread! I found a fling on facebook that I had at a Christian camp in high school. I don't remember the last time I thought of him. 

He was this HOT ginger. ALL the girls were jelly. I was queen of the world for those two weeks! 

[Chickenbutt]

lolololol.....all I can say is I am glad I am married and dated back in the day when it wasn't so complicated.

[singsingsing]

It really doesn't have to be complicated. Be assertive, be honest, be true to what you want and need, and be okay with being single for extended periods of time, and it doesn't have to be complicated at all.

[Carm_88]

2 minutes ago, singsingsing said:

It really doesn't have to be complicated. Be assertive, be honest, be true to what you want and need, and be okay with being single for extended periods of time, and it doesn't have to be complicated at all.

The bolded is so true. If you try to be someone that you aren't, you only end up making yourself miserable. 

[Chickenbutt]

Maybe it just sounds complicated to me. My dating history seemed much easier.

[marmalade]

Hubby and I pretty much knew from our first date that we were going to marry. First date to marriage was 9 months. But we had probably the most casual wedding in the world. Reception was a picnic in my parents' backyard. 

eta: Don't be fooled. That dress had a keyhole back. NIKE! 

[lumpentheologie]

9 minutes ago, singsingsing said:

It really doesn't have to be complicated. Be assertive, be honest, be true to what you want and need, and be okay with being single for extended periods of time, and it doesn't have to be complicated at all.

Complicated isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I like having a 'complicated' love life, some people don't, but of course the above is great advice either way. 

[singsingsing]

Just now, lumpentheologie said:

Complicated isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I like having a 'complicated' love life, some people don't, but of course the above is great advice either way. 

Oh yeah, I wasn't trying to frame it as a negative thing! Just that if you don't want complicated, it doesn't have to be. Just like if you want one scoop of plain vanilla ice cream, go for it. But if you want a triple decker sundae with 18 different toppings, go for it!  

[Carm_88]

12 minutes ago, Chickenbutt said:

Maybe it just sounds complicated to me. My dating history seemed much easier.

I think that it's only as complicated as you make it. Although, your story sounds rather wonderful!  

[nst]

1 hour ago, marmalade said:

Hubby and I pretty much knew from our first date that we were going to marry. First date to marriage was 9 months. But we had probably the most casual wedding in the world. Reception was a picnic in my parents' backyard. 

eta: Don't be fooled. That dress had a keyhole back. NIKE! 

 

you are so pretty - you look like Kyle Richards

[Fun Undies]

I literally had to look up who Kyle Richards was . . . Yup.  Heading to the prayer closet :]

[nickelodeon]

2 hours ago, singsingsing said:

It really doesn't have to be complicated. Be assertive, be honest, be true to what you want and need, and be okay with being single for extended periods of time, and it doesn't have to be complicated at all.

You might even say It's (Not That) Complicated!

(PS Jessa recommended this book in that recent interview with the evangelical girl magazine!)

[CyborgKin]

I dunno about all that, but staying single certainly hasn't been complicated.

[JMO]

Any book recommended by Voddie Bauchman gets an automatic veto from me!  And written by the Botkins, why are we taking relationship advice from them again?!?! (BTW That girl looks like Kendra Caldwell.) 

On a diff note I just tried to search for the vomiting emoji and while I couldn't find it all sorts of others popped up.  Did we get new ones?

These tickled me:

                 

[Palimpsest]

1 hour ago, JMO said:

Any book recommended by Voddie Bauchman gets an automatic veto from me!  And written by the Botkins, why are we taking relationship advice from them again?!?!

I'd strongly suggest that we don't!

1 hour ago, JMO said:

On a diff note I just tried to search for the vomiting emoji and while I couldn't find it all sorts of others popped up.  Did we get new ones?

I think those have been around for a while.

The code word for the vomiting emoji is "puke."  I may overuse it.

                         

[JMO]

Thanks @Palimpsest, I tried vomiting, sick and throwing up.  Puke.  I should have thought of that.  I seem to have a hard time in general finding the right emoji at the right time.  

[Jinder Roles]

Meanwhile, I can't even get a date. 

Forever alone y'all.