John Shrader Pt 10 - God's Glutton's Greatest Grifts

[Carol]

John, 

So sorry Satan is attacking you, said no one ever.  Get the fuck out of Africa and mind your own god-damn business.  Most missionaries don't sit on their asses complaining about everything, they're out there doing something to make the world better so I leave them alone.  

I'm not all bad, you know.

Satan

[Howl]

On 3/17/2017 at 4:14 PM, Gobsmacked said:

It seems a very long time ago Since J's last news letter?

Maybe he's busy trying to impregnate Esther.  Despite his other failures, John is especially diligent in this area. 

I'll show myself to the prayer closet now. 

[Gobsmacked]

1 hour ago, Howl said:

Maybe he's busy trying to impregnate Esther.  Despite his other failures, John is especially diligent in this area. 

I'll show myself to the prayer closet now. 

Sadly that's the only thing John boy succeeds in!!

Poor,poor Esther.

Can any FJ songwriters/ poets pen an ode to Poor Esther?

[Inky]

To the tune of "El Paso"

Out in the dry dusty land of old Kafue,

John-boy did land with his family large.

Grifting an airplane did raise up his spirits,

Seems like that airplane  would never arrive....

Satan attacked, and led him astray,

Wimmen were after his bod....oooooddddd.

But he resisted and took to his bed, 

With time only there to impregnate his wife....

 

The end.

That's all I had time for LOL. 

[Carol]

Oh poor, dear Esther

The lord mightily blessed her

With a man who has no common sense

He gave her 9 kids

His life's on the skids

Quit pestering Esther, you pig.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Palimpsest]

Veggie Tales already wrote it for me.  I only had to change a few words of "the Battle Is Not Ours".

Esther:

Tell me why, I don't understand.
Tell me why, or show me your hand.
Tell me why because I can't see my way through
What now...should I...do

The battle is not mine
I look to John above
For he will make me follow him
And I just have to love

I sometimes I am afraid
I cannot run and hide
For there's so much that I must face
When John is at my side
Yes, there's so much that I must face
When John is at my side

The battle is not mine
I look to God above
For He will guide me safely through
When John forgets to love

 

[Loveday]

17 hours ago, Inky said:

To the tune of "El Paso"

Out in the dry dusty land of old Kafue,

John-boy did land with his family large.

Grifting an airplane did raise up his spirits,

Seems like that airplane  would never arrive....

Satan attacked, and led him astray,

Wimmen were after his bod....oooooddddd.

But he resisted and took to his bed, 

With time only there to impregnate his wife....

 

The end.

That's all I had time for LOL. 

I'm glad you didn't have time to totally ruin El Paso for me. I LOVE that song. 

[Inky]

6 hours ago, Loveday said:

I'm glad you didn't have time to totally ruin El Paso for me. I LOVE that song. 

I can't hear that song anymore without picturing Walter White driving back to settle the score in the last, or second last episode of Breaking Bad!

[Loveday]

1 hour ago, Inky said:

I can't hear that song anymore without picturing Walter White driving back to settle the score in the last, or second last episode of Breaking Bad!

That's a series I totally missed out on, so El Paso is still just Marty Robbins playing on my parents' stereo in our 1960s-era living room when I was nine or ten years old. 

[formergothardite]

No prayer letter. It must be very, very hard to put a positive spin on whatever is going on with John's life. 

[Carol]

My guess is that it's about those damn chickens, Satan's little helpers.  I hope John does an Alfred Hitchcock-like movie, "The Chickens" that shows them attacking him and then flying off in his plane.

[apandaaries]

3 minutes ago, Carol said:

My guess is that it's about those damn chickens, Satan's little helpers.  I hope John does an Alfred Hitchcock-like movie, "The Chickens" that shows them attacking him and then flying off in his plane.

Oh please please please, FSM, please!  

I'd also like starring roles for this chicken and whatever feathery friends he has who can attain his mass. There can be one perched on the wing of the plane, picking off the parts, Twilight Zone-style, too: 

Spoiler

 

 

[Gobsmacked]

12 minutes ago, Carol said:

My guess is that it's about those damn chickens, Satan's little helpers.  I hope John does an Alfred Hitchcock-like movie, "The Chickens" that shows them attacking him and then flying off in his plane.

No.no.no!! Only Penguins from Madagascar are clever enough to fly a plane.

Unless.......They have traveled up from Cape Town , infiltrated and aided the chickens?..........

[Palimpsest]

Oh for crap sake:

Quote

PROCLAIMING The Gospel to Burundi! 20,000 Tracts PRINTED!! PRAYER Needed!!!

But  rest assured there is a plea for cash too.

Arcade is leaving for Burundi on Monday because of those "paper work" problems.

Quote

When Arcade went to Burundi last December to secure a plot of land that his Aunt had given him (which a Biblical church will be planted and be able to meet on, Lord willing), he took 2,000 Gospel tracts in Kirundi, the vernacular language in Burundi. Bro. Arcade has translated my Gospel tract, "Are You Ready To Be Judged By God?" into the heart language of his people

Do you know if the translation is correct, John?  Perhaps it really says "I know a nutty American, join his cult because cars and money rain from the skies upon him."

Quote

 

Those two thousand tracts were gone in less than two weeks, so this time we are sending him with 20,000 tracts! I'm hoping this will take him at least 4-5 months, but maybe not.

I've been printing for almost 12 hours, and only have one side of the last 10,000 tracts. The power is going off, so I'm rushing to beat it!

 

No you are not racing to beat it, John.  You are posting this shit on Facebook.  And where is the promised Prayer Letter?

Quote

PRAY for me! 40 reams of paper, several boxes of ink...and a LOT of labor!!! Thanking the Lord for those who've sacrificed to make this possible. Paper is $4.00 a ream here!

Send money, paper, and ink.  I've actually done some work for once supervising the kids as they did the printing.

Blah, blah, old news about Arcade getting a single gig on a radio station.   But of course they want him back, eleventy!!!!!!1111!!

Quote

PLEASE PRAY for Arcade's SAFETY as there is still unrest in the country of Burundi, and people are still being killed. We all have a peace (though not in the flesh) that it is clearly God's Will that Arcade return at this time.

How about asking for prayers for the rest of the people of Burundi too, John.  FFS, there is a lot of violence going on there.

Quote

Brother John for Esther and the rest of TeamAfrica

Oh, no.  We are now TeamAfrica!   

[formergothardite]

Well John had to do something to put in his prayer letter. 

[Gobsmacked]

Thankyou Palimpsest for keeping us poor blocked folk up-to-date.

It is very kind of John and TeamAfrica to provide Burundi with free loo paper. (I'm presuming the tracts are not SOLD to the locals of Burundi).

Not a lot to say really other than I have the feeling that John will be leaving Zambia for a new adventure in the near future. His boredom is shining through.  No news letter yet for his Daddy's church is not polite either. Rather like a spoiled child forgetting to send birthday/Christmas Thankyou letters.

 

Dear John,

Once a plonker, always a plonker.

Best wishes

Blocked nosey person.

[Carol]

I have taken the time to write John's Prayer Letter for him due to his heavy schedule.  I hope he appreciates the effort I put into it.

 

Dear Friends,

Well, it's been hell and I hope you know just how hard this has been on me.  I wake up every day with such a thirst for Jesus.  And water.  I want to fly away but I can't find the plane.  I can't even drive away.  My latest disciple(Sunday) borrowed the Trooper to get his family so that I could convert them all at the same time...and didn't come back.  I never saw that coming.

I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this.  Esther and the kids are, I'm not, so I am requesting a one way ticket home.  I'll get Esther and the kids later, when I have some more energy.  In the meantime I plan to rest my weary bones.  For probably about 6 months.  That oughta do it.

After healing completely I intend to pursue a career in the theater.

Brother John(Nick Danger)

[formergothardite]

David Rea is in America still annoying the hell out of everyone. He went to the bank, asked the teller how her weekend was, she replied that it was great to see the sun since God knows there have been so few sunny days lately. Rea then proceeded to spend forever telling her she is going to hell even though she told him she was a Christian. He seemed proud that he made her so uncomfortable and that she was unable to argue back with him because of her job. 

He also hates immigrants to America. Ironic since he moved to another country and expects people to support him. 

John is stuck in his white savior missionary fantasy while Rea actively despises poor people and people who want to flee war torn countries to come to safety. If they had stayed a team they would have been truly horrible together.  Who was that person who came here to say Rea was so much better than Shrader? No, no he isn't. 

[Lurky]

28 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

He also hates immigrants to America. Ironic since he moved to another country and expects people to support him. 

My dad lives in Spain, and every now and then someone will ask him to join the ex-pats' branch of UKIP... he gives them VERY short shrift!

[scoutsadie]

On 3/21/2017 at 3:50 PM, Carol said:

My guess is that it's about those damn chickens, Satan's little helpers. 

[formergothardite]

Still no prayer letter! His few more days to write the prayer letter will turn into a few more months. 

[Gobsmacked]

38 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

Still no prayer letter! His few more days to write the prayer letter will turn into a few more months. 

He will be in bed. Thinking is hard work for John. 

Everything he thinks about fails. Everything he does fails.

The only thing he can do is reproduce. Esther's DNA makes cute kids.

Poor, Poor, Poor Esther.

 

[formergothardite]

Prayer letter is up. Vague Satanic attacks and John is basically bored with his location and wanting to start new churches. He is now Team Africa, not Team Zambia. I think the clock is ticking down for John to get himself out of Zambia because he is bored and/or because he has made all the locals hate him. 

[Gobsmacked]

I've been saying for a while that John is fed up. 

He seriously thought that skedaddling off to Zambia meant no work. Then he discovered that Daddy's leghumpers want value for their hard earned money.

A lot of earlier churches realised that he is a plonker and dropped their support?

None of his grandiose schemes appear to have come to anything. If they had, he would have loads to write about.

He genuinely is a useless lump. A blot on the landscape. A total waste of skin.

Could you post the newsletter Formergothardite, for us poor blocked folk to see?

[apandaaries]

Oh, FFS.  He just had to mention that Roderick's grandmother is a "witchdoctor."  What on earth do you mean by that, Johnny?  Does she know about native plants and is she able to help those who fall ill?  Because if she's in an area with 15 villages that are 7 hours away from Kafue (and perhaps other medical care), her knowledge might be needed for and useful to the community (very tough concepts to grasp, I know).  She also happens to be giving some land to Roderick and Jacqueline, but let's make her sound vaguely satanic, anyway.