This adoption blow-up just frustrates me

[GenerationCedarchip]

I just read this and it really upset me:

its-a-blessing.blogspot.com/2011/09/and-then-there-were-5.html

This blogger is probably more fundie lite/medium than fundie and from what she says, it sounds like they were about the ink the deal on their adoption. Then there was a blow up they won't talk about, but they found out the 5 year old child involved had been abused more than they thought. What kind of help did they extend this child? They threw him out because they thought that this "damaged" small child didn't belong in a house with young children.

This is actually the second foster-to-adoption child this family has failed to adopt, but her blog is a little hedgy about what happened to the other one.

[Austin]

Oh, boy. The second one? The powers to be need to stop letting these people foster-to-adopt. I feel terrible for the little guy and hope he finds a famiy who can love him despite any negative experiences he's had in his short life. Sad.

[Angri-la]

My daughter went through a couple of foster-to-adopt homes, one of which was fundie lite, and obviously children collectors. Those foster "parents" told her she was going to hell because she hadn't accepted their version of Jesus into her heart. I am glad she was moved, and I found her. We are likely going to spend our lives together undoing everything her birth parents and fosters did to her, but we are lucky: she is smart, she is loved, and she is learning to trust. I cannot imagine her as one of a dozen!

[bananacat]

Well this kid is probably better off without them, even it means the turmoil of moving to another foster home. Hopefully their next family won't be such assholes.

[Austin]

Well this kid is probably better off without them, even it means the turmoil of moving to another foster home. Hopefully their next family won't be such assholes.

Agreed.

I just hope the powers that be don't subject any more children to this sort of thing.

[Guest Anonymous]

It's awful for the little boy, truly awful.

I have mixed feelings about the role of the foster family in this, without knowing more about them or the situation.

I have a family member who worked in a specialist fostering agency that sought placements for children with extra needs than the average child in the social care system. Unfortunately, by the time they reached the agency, many of the children were 'revolving door' clients, for whom previous placements had broken down, in circumstances where social services (the first agency involved in their care) had held back information about the extent of previous abuse in order to make the child more 'attractive' to a prospective family, only for the placement to break down because the child's needs were not met.

Children who have been subjected to extremes of abuse and neglect do need very special levels of care and if a foster family is not aware or prepared then crises can happen that rip the rest of the family apart.

I have zero respect for people like Emma (of the Justus and Lovelie saga) but I do feel for families that genuinely took on more than they could manage because of a lack of information.

[Austin]

It's awful for the little boy, truly awful.

I have mixed feelings about the role of the foster family in this, without knowing more about them or the situation.

I have a family member who worked in a specialist fostering agency that sought placements for children with extra needs than the average child in the social care system. Unfortunately, by the time they reached the agency, many of the children were 'revolving door' clients, for whom previous placements had broken down, in circumstances where social services (the first agency involved in their care) had held back information about the extent of previous abuse in order to make the child more 'attractive' to a prospective family, only for the placement to break down because the child's needs were not met.

Children who have been subjected to extremes of abuse and neglect do need very special levels of care and if a foster family is not aware or prepared then crises can happen that rip the rest of the family apart.

I have zero respect for people like Emma (of the Justus and Lovelie saga) but I do feel for families that genuinely took on more than they could manage because of a lack of information.

I don't disagree that some families bite off more than they can chew because they don't have all of the information that they really need to make an informed decision. I think I was reacting as much to the statement that this was their second failed foster-to-adopt situation as anything else.

[slickcat79]

The entry just before that one is a little irritating too:

Even a suspected danger can lead a mama bear to kill!!! Today, my foster son made a bad choice. It's not the first time. In fact, it's the third time something of this "personal" nature has taken place. There is no chance that he "forgot" the rules, or that he "just didn't know better". He remembers. He knows better. But, he made a bad choice and it was towards my 8 year old daughter and my mama bear instinct is running full force!

-

Whatever you think when you see me "handling" my 5 kids and our foster son...is not what reality feels like to this Mama Bear! I struggle and I sweat and I want sometimes to just growl loudly and attack in order to protect my own little cubs. I know you could do it, because I know God would do for you the same he does for me. He stops this Mama Bear in her tracks. The holy spirit calls me to back off, cool down, retreat and remember- that though this danger is not my own cub...he is God's own cub.

-

My biggest prayer, is that God will do a work in my heart so that one day soon-my foster son will feel like one of my own cubs.

I'm trying not to be too judgy about a disrupted adoption without knowing the whole situation, but these people NEVER seem to see their adopted children as the same as their bio children. They don't treat them the same, they don't protect them the same, they don't love them the same. She's 3 weeks away from finishing the adoption, and then he will be "her own cub". There's no givebacks. Why would you be "fostering to adopt" instead of just fostering if you know you might never love your foster son as much as your other kids? Why even get the kid's hopes up in the first place? It seems like responsible people put more thought into taking in a stray dog than a lot of fundie types put into adopting a child.

[GenerationCedarchip]

The entry just before that one is a little irritating too:

I'm trying not to be too judgy about a disrupted adoption without knowing the whole situation, but these people NEVER seem to see their adopted children as the same as their bio children. They don't treat them the same, they don't protect them the same, they don't love them the same. She's 3 weeks away from finishing the adoption, and then he will be "her own cub". There's no givebacks. Why would you be "fostering to adopt" instead of just fostering if you know you might never love your foster son as much as your other kids? Why even get the kid's hopes up in the first place? It seems like responsible people put more thought into taking in a stray dog than a lot of fundie types put into adopting a child.

Yes. This. I went back reading through the blog and there's an entry in there about how this mom found it so easy to be all lovey-dovey with her bio kids, but the fosters just weren't the same. And then there's plenty of other entries where she basically seems to pat herself on the back for doing her duty to God and taking in these kids. I think the reason it frustrates me so much is that I really do feel for these kids who want love and family, not some cold woman doing her duty so she'll feel like a good Christian.

[lilwriter85]

Yes. This. I went back reading through the blog and there's an entry in there about how this mom found it so easy to be all lovey-dovey with her bio kids, but the fosters just weren't the same. And then there's plenty of other entries where she basically seems to pat herself on the back for doing her duty to God and taking in these kids. I think the reason it frustrates me so much is that I really do feel for these kids who want love and family, not some cold woman doing her duty so she'll feel like a good Christian.

My friend worked for social services for awhile and she occasionally had to deal with people who were fostering just to pat themselves on the back or look good for their churches. Right before my friend quit her job to work in another field, she told me of a couple who went for foster licensing and classes mainly because their pastor and his wife were foster parents. During the classes, this couple dropped out and stated that they didn't think they could deal with some of the difficulties involved with fostering. Sadly, sometimes the wrong people become foster parents.

I read through this blog involving the foster to adopt problems and this woman should have never gone into fostering.

[Chrystal-J]

I tried to read the blog, but just can't do it. She uses every fundie catch-phrase I can't stand. Starting with the blog title "It's a blessing", then "If the Lord puts us on your heart..."

Maybe if fundie's didn't brag so much about how the Lord only helps them out, they wouldn't look so bad when they fail.

[Bella99]

Maybe it boils down to knowing yourself and what is best for your family. If you think God has all the answers or will fix everything, you might attempt something you are unprepared for. I was sexually abused by my older half-brothers, so I would never bring an older child or a stepfather into Her Maj's life. Because of my own baggage and belief in statistics, I am far more wary of the people I know than the random stranger.

I hope the child finds a wonderful home with people who are truly equipped for the long haul. To have one attempt not work out, then try to foster to adopt again when it is obvious your own spawn has first dibs is wrong. It is not fair to let the children form attachments and hope, only to show them the door.

[kb2]

I've heard of people becoming foster parents after their bio kids have either left the nest or are late-teenagers, so the desire to protect bio kids is gone. I wonder if the fundie ideal of having a whole bunch of kids--which necessitates their being close in age--gets in the way of this possibility.

[duplessis3]

I had a friend who fostered to adopt - successfully, and then they wanted more children.So they were fostering twins, who they knew had suffered abuse. However they were lied to about the extent of the abuse that the twins had had, and it was clear that they would never ever ever be able to leave the children alone for a second because of the extent of the sexual abuse that these poor kids were acting out with. It broke her heart but it would not have been a safe environment for anyone to live - one wouldn't want to put any of the children in that position.

[lilah]

There's a saying in adoption-land that every adoption is a special needs adoption. That you never know if the file on your kid actually matches up to their real life experiences.

[dawbs]

I had a friend who fostered to adopt - successfully, and then they wanted more children.So they were fostering twins, who they knew had suffered abuse. However they were lied to about the extent of the abuse that the twins had had, and it was clear that they would never ever ever be able to leave the children alone for a second because of the extent of the sexual abuse that these poor kids were acting out with. It broke her heart but it would not have been a safe environment for anyone to live - one wouldn't want to put any of the children in that position.

This was the 'best justification' I was coming up with for her.

(there's a reason that in many foster situations, there are recommendations re: age/size--I wasn't able to see if the kid in question was older/bigger than some of the other kids, but that can be a factor in this as well, if the above is the case.

[dianapavelovna]

I'm interested in the phrasing: there was a "crisis" that "led to" revelations about the extent of the kid's abuse. And all this a short time before the adoption was supposed to happen. Curious.

[Guest Anonymous]

There's a saying in adoption-land that every adoption is a special needs adoption. That you never know if the file on your kid actually matches up to their real life experiences.

Agreed - there must be an expectation on the new family that there will be an ongoing learning process about the child's needs. But no excuse for adoptive services to fail to disclose information if they have it.

On further reading of this blog, I'm inclined to agree that this family were not cut out for adoption and were doing it for the wrong reasons.

I'm surprised though that they would be considered suitable by the agency to adopt a child of an age slap bang in the middle of the existing children's ages. Aren't foster/adoptive kids usually placed where they will be the youngest or only children?

[dawbs]

Aren't foster/adoptive kids usually placed where they will be the youngest or only children?

Yep. (that's what I was failing to articulate up there :-)

Assuming that it's not a large group of foster kids (like foster parents who do 5 fosters at once, etc), the youngest is the norm because of the issues like this.

Of course, not all people know this, not all care, and not all realize how much of an issue it canbe.

[Terrie]

I forget who told me, but someone once said that the numbers are such that you should go in assuming that a child available for adoption from foster care has 1) been prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol and 2) sexually abused, until you have proof otherwise. Reading between the lines, it sounds like their foster son was acting out sexually and they freaked. While I've certainly heard of kids that young who are predatory in their behavior, most are not and have simply been taught that it is normal. Telling them "don't do that" once or twice will not override years of learning. A classic example of the need for training and education of adoptive parents.

[Angri-la]

There's a saying in adoption-land that every adoption is a special needs adoption. That you never know if the file on your kid actually matches up to their real life experiences.

Amen. What they told me my daughter's issues would be are not; what her issues are were not things I was expecting. We deal with everything as it comes up. Did they tell me her bio-mom was addicted to drugs? No. Can I, and her therapist, tell that she was? Yep.

No one should adopt or foster unless they are damn sure they can handle ANYTHING that comes up. I get so angry when I read things about people adopting older children and are "incapable" of loving them. That is their problem, not the child's, and I wish these "Christian" adoption agencies would do a better job of vetting potential parents. If they had gone through what I went through during the home and life visits, they would not have given them those children.

[Austin]

I forget who told me, but someone once said that the numbers are such that you should go in assuming that a child available for adoption from foster care has 1) been prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol and 2) sexually abused, until you have proof otherwise. Reading between the lines, it sounds like their foster son was acting out sexually and they freaked. While I've certainly heard of kids that young who are predatory in their behavior, most are not and have simply been taught that it is normal. Telling them "don't do that" once or twice will not override years of learning. A classic example of the need for training and education of adoptive parents.

No way to know for sure, but I think that's probably what happened, and they likely overreacted because fundies read sex into every. single. thing. anyway. Just like the loathsome Emma, who claimed that the little Haitian girl she adopted had sexually "violated" her and claimed to be quite traumatized. :roll:

IMO, if a young child behaves that way, it is most likely a symptom of the child having been sexually abused and a reason to seek therapy for the child/family. Many sexually-abused people grow up to be pretty much fine. It makes me sick that these sorts of people seem to think that an abused child should be just discarded for something that is no fault of their own.

OTOH, no doubt, the little boy is better off in the long run.

[Guest Anonymous]

OK, well I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt while I knew little about her case.

I wish I hadn't read on...

http://its-a-blessing.blogspot.com/2011 ... rying.html

The "I got caught and I'm not happy about it" cry

This is what I see when our 6 year old foster son cries. It just happened. I sent him into the bathroom with the same instructions he hears every night. "Pee, flush, wash hands, brush teeth."

He goes in. He comes out. WAY TOO FAST! So, I question: "Did you wash your hands?"

"Yes" He replies to the floor. I take his hand. You can see his eyes spinning as he tries to quickly come up with a reason for the perfectly dry hands. Without missing a beat he says, "I only used soap, no water." Well, that was a new one for me, but easily proven wrong! So..we had a little chat about how good Mommies who love their children want hands washed-Mommies who don't care, well-they just don't care. Since I love him, he must wash his hands. He nodded in understanding-with an expression of almost "yeah, you love me, that's nice". Until the bomb dropped. I say, "Ok, so we both understand. Now, go back into the bathroom and wash your hands for real, and then go to your bed. Your punishment for lying to me is that you have to go to bed now instead of playing."

Then, I get the picture above. The tears start to flow. Interesting. There were no tears of remorse when he knew he was wrong. Only once he realized he would be punished.

Absolute bitch.

A 6 year old demonstrates an 'age-appropriate allergy' to washing his hands. So she tells him she loves him but sends him to bed as a punishment. And then hates on him for crying.

Bitch Bitch Bitch :evil:

The more I read, the more I get the imppression she had cold feet about this poor boy, long before whatever crisis occured.

She seems to be someone who just could not bring herself to love a child who was not pre-conditioned to be part of her overly-controlled family.

Tragic for the little lad.

And she is so missing out on the chance to view this as a fabulous family story to enjoy for years.

My now-grown-into-a-man nephew used to regularly get sent for an impromptu shower, as a grubby, mud-sliding 6 -year old child. He would dart under the water for 30 seconds and come out with a beautiful, cherubic, clean rosy face.... and dripping, brown, muddy arms and legs which showed he had simply stood with his back under the water for the minimum time possible before making his exit..... When my sister laughed and sent him back for Round #2, he would bellow at the unfairness of it all, but bless his little heart, he was never 'punished' with anything more than a second turn in the shower, and now that he is grown and spends hours preening and getting ready for nights out, we so miss the filthy little mud-magnet that he was. :)

These damaging control freak parents have NO idea about 'real' children. No idea how to enjoy them, and love them and help them to grow. :roll:

[Austin]

My now-grown-into-a-man nephew used to regularly get sent for an impromptu shower, as a grubby, mud-sliding 6 -year old child. He would dart under the water for 30 seconds and come out with a beautiful, cherubic, clean rosy face.... and dripping, brown, muddy arms and legs which showed he had simply stood with his back under the water for the minimum time possible before making his exit..... When my sister laughed and sent him back for Round #2, he would bellow at the unfairness of it all, but bless his little heart, he was never 'punished' with anything more than a second turn in the shower, and now that he is grown and spends hours preening and getting ready for nights out, we so miss the filthy little mud-magnet that he was. :)

These damaging control freak parents have NO idea about 'real' children. No idea how to enjoy them, and love them and help them to grow. :roll:

Heck, I think one of my sons was allergic to soap/water between the ages of 12-14 or so. There was lots of times we would tousle his hair and say, "Try again, dude!" Fibbing about taking a shower or the effectiveness of said shower is a pretty common boy-phase. It hardly means that there is some fatal flaw in the child's character, or that you're raising a serial killer.

Making a big deal with such disproportionate punishment for this "crime" makes me believe all the more that she wanted him out and just couldn't think of a way to do it without losing face - because fundies CANNOT lose face, ever - so she blew some little thing up into a big, mysterious, creepy deed on the part of a 5-year-old.

[dawbs]

"Well, that was a new one for me, but easily proven wrong! So..we had a little chat about how good Mommies who love their children want hands washed-Mommies who don't care, well-they just don't care."

^why would you say that to a foster child?

You are telling him that the people who didn't make sure his hands were washed before (mom. grandma. fostermom 1-47. whoever) didn't care. Didn't love them.

(and those people may have loved them--but didn't make handwashing a priority. Or maybe they didn't love the kid--but care has to be used to make sure the kid doesn't hear that as 'you are unlovable' instead of 'this person was jacked up')

Which is heartbreaking now that this child is being sent back to someone who may not make him wash his hands.