The book arrived

[Trynn]

I can't find the thread at the moment, but an FJer was given a link to go to for a free book while standing in line at the health food store. I got curious because HEY, FREE BOOK! So I went to the website, and was also sent a dvd. Or maybe it's a CD I'm not sure, it's late and I'm too tired to look. Here's a picture.

I will read and review it....when I have time. Which could be a while from now. And only if people are interested which, I probably won't get too detailed. I'll only highlight things if they're really whacka doo which I have yet to determine I'll find.

Mini rant.... how come Christians are the only ones that give out free books? Seriously, it's never the Jews, Pagans, or Muslims who give them out, but I've found Christians giving them out all over the place if you just know where to look. Occasionally I'll run into Muslim organizations handing out copies of the Koran, but that's about it.

I want free books from Wiccans. That's what I want.

Ok, rant over, here's the picture: (if I can figure out how to post it)

The book is signed by the author. I'm not sure if this is his usual modus operendi, or if he really did read what I posted in the (required) why I wanted the book section. It's specific enough to be possible but generic enough to also be possible he says that to everyone. Just in case, I won't post it.

I don't have a way to watch a dvd without resorting to my dinosaur of a machine that barely works, so the book is definitely going to be easier.

The front cover says it's a novel. Here is what the back says:

Josh expects to find paradise as he sets out for a relaxing trip to Hawaii with his friends, but what if their week in paradise is interruped in a way that few of us can imagine?

take an unforgettable journey with josh and his friends as they experience far more than they bargained for on their Hawaiian-vacation-turned-adventure-of-a-lifetime. Will Josh and his friends pick the right paradise?

(Any typos are mine, because I took out my contacts.)

So, it's a novel, apparently. Well, this should at least be interesting, then.

I decided to thumb through it a bit even though I wanna go to bed because OMG NEW BOOK SMELL. The book starts at chapter 14 and works its way down, which is.... interesting? I guess? From what I can tell the writing is... stilted The dialogue doesn't sound like people actually talk. The book promises to at least hold my attention. I'm actually kinda curious as to what the big disaster is gonna be. Demons perhaps?

So, in case you were wondering FJer who's name I can't remember, this is what you missed.

[JHeathen]

I would also like free books from Wiccans.

Thank you.

[Hane]

Trynn, I'm the one who was given that card with the link to the free book, and haven't ordered it for fear of being besieged by proselytizers. Kudos for taking one for the team! Can't wait to hear about it.

You will receive bonus FJ points for quoting lapses in grammar, punctuation, and spelling, as well as particularly badly written passages. I need a nice blend of outrage and lulz.

[samurai_sarah]

Yay, can't wait! Thanks for taking one for the team, Trynn!

[Trynn]

No problem. :) oooooh bonus FJ point! It actually looks like a really quick read, so I'll probably get to to it sometime this week. The DVD is an issue since I'm not sure I can play it.

[Trynn]

The Book starts off on Chapter 14. I'm not sure why, I guess it's counting down?

In any case, this doesn't seem like it was written by an adult. It looks like something I would've written...hmm, maybe at age 8, but I could see a 12 year old writing it if she was just learning to write stories for the first time. There's exclamation marks! At the end! Of almost! Every! Sentence!

Here's the opening paragraph:

Finally, I am going to Paradise!! A tropical Paradise! Paradise is a place where I have been dreaming about going my entire life. No other place on earth seems to live up to the moniker Paradise. But my friends have raved about this place, I have read about this place, and I just get the feeling I won't be disappointed! It is finally going to come true!

That right there tells you what you need to know about the tone of the book. It continues in that fashion, using "it is" when most people would write "it's," and "I have" instead of "I've." The dialogue is pretty stilted.

In any case, the protagonist (Josh) goes on to ramble about some Elvis song I'm too young to know about. Josh is 50, and old enough to remember the Elvis era.

Josh talks about how the long flight to Hawaii will be worth it.

The protagonist then goes on to talk about his friends from college. Apparently they used to go on annual golf outings, but then real life got in the way. This is the first time in 5 years they've been able to get together.

And then he goes back to talking about how he's not looking forward to the 9 hour flight.

If I had been editor, I would've merged those 2 paragraphs together (or cut one out, perhaps, as it's not really relevant.) I would not have left it split up like that, as it breaks up the flow of the story and makes it sound like he randomly wines about long plane trips.

Speaking of which, the flight is apparently only 9 hours. Jeez, what a big baby. It's not like you're on a 24 hour flight to Europe.

Josh is the only one sitting in his seat and prepares to get comfortable, but then a couple sits next to him, so he decides to talk.

You know what, if I'm going to make it through this in time to play Kingdom of Loathing before rollover tonight, I'm going to have to skip some of the mundane details. That'll make this review a lot shorter, as there's kind of a lot of them.

The man's name is Remo and the woman's name is Kaiya. No, I don't know how to pronounce that.

And then we get this sentence:

They were wonderfully nice people and extremely friendly. This conversation will make the flight go by much faster.

They were wonderfully nice people. This conversation will make the flight go faster. It took me a full minute to realize this was a mixup of tenses. I thought he was speaking in past tense, but then he switches right back to present. :penguin-no:

Anyway, Remo and Kaiya's story is one I hard a lot in Church and (private, Christian) School. They had a son, he drove drunk, a drunk driver killed him. Drunk driver went to prison. Drunk driver, Chance, came from a broken home, he was a ward of the state, with an extensive criminal history, 20 years old... wait, at 20 years old aren't you no longer considered a ward of the state, but an adult in your own right?

Anyway, he hits all the tick boxes on the "broken person" check list.

Remo and Kaiya met with Chance in prison, learned to love him, and decided to adopt him. Can you even adopt someone who's 20? Legally, I mean? Wouldn't that be kind of pointless?

In any case, once Chance gets out of prison he's going to come live with them.

Isn't that a sweet story?

I know this is a work of fiction, but I've still heard this story soooooo many times I just.... honestly... I don't believe it was ever true.

The couple tells Josh that their names, "Remo" and "Kaiya," mean "The Strong On" and "Forgiveness," respectively. They both feel the need to live up to those names, Remo by being the leader of the home in leading by example, and Kaiya because she needed to forgive Chance.

Josh thanks the couple, saying they have taught him an amazing lesson about life, and he will never forget this encounter. He uses exactly those words.

A paragraph about how beautiful Hawaii is.

Josh finds his friends, Michael, Daniel, and Alex at the baggage claim, but none of their bags are coming out. There's a group of people handing out leis. Josh decides to "mosey on over there" and get one.

Upon receiving it, he says "Mahalo," figuring he may as well say thank you in their own language. He's been reading the Hawaiian phrase book, isn't that cute? I don't consider myself an expert, but I've read A LOT about the Hawaiian language (the author/protagonist DO know it's technically a dead language, right?)

Josh is told that the name of the lei is "Maui Maunaloa Orchid Lei." Josh then asks how you would describe the color. Lolwhut? Who asks how you'd describe the color when it's STARING YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE.

The last paragraph of the chapter talks about how the Lei is going to represent the beginning of a new chapter in Josh's life. It will be a new beginning that is going to have a great ending!

Below that, there's a picture of an hour glass saying

Little does Josh know, but from the moment that he was officially welcomed to Paradise by the lei being placed around his neck, he has exactly 24 hours to live.

So, we're counting down to his death. That's.... ominous.

[VVV]

The Book starts off on Chapter 14. I'm not sure why, I guess it's counting down?

In any case, this doesn't seem like it was written by an adult. It looks like something I would've written...hmm, maybe at age 8, but I could see a 12 year old writing it if she was just learning to write stories for the first time. There's exclamation marks! At the end! Of almost! Every! Sentence!

Here's the opening paragraph:

That right there tells you what you need to know about the tone of the book. It continues in that fashion, using "it is" when most people would write "it's," and "I have" instead of "I've." The dialogue is pretty stilted.

In any case, the protagonist (Josh) goes on to ramble about some Elvis song I'm too young to know about. Josh is 50, and old enough to remember the Elvis era.

Josh talks about how the long flight to Hawaii will be worth it.

The protagonist then goes on to talk about his friends from college. Apparently they used to go on annual golf outings, but then real life got in the way. This is the first time in 5 years they've been able to get together.

And then he goes back to talking about how he's not looking forward to the 9 hour flight.

If I had been editor, I would've merged those 2 paragraphs together (or cut one out, perhaps, as it's not really relevant.) I would not have left it split up like that, as it breaks up the flow of the story and makes it sound like he randomly wines about long plane trips.

Speaking of which, the flight is apparently only 9 hours. Jeez, what a big baby. It's not like you're on a 24 hour flight to Europe.

Josh is the only one sitting in his seat and prepares to get comfortable, but then a couple sits next to him, so he decides to talk.

You know what, if I'm going to make it through this in time to play Kingdom of Loathing before rollover tonight, I'm going to have to skip some of the mundane details. That'll make this review a lot shorter, as there's kind of a lot of them.

The man's name is Remo and the woman's name is Kaiya. No, I don't know how to pronounce that.

And then we get this sentence:

They were wonderfully nice people. This conversation will make the flight go faster. It took me a full minute to realize this was a mixup of tenses. I thought he was speaking in past tense, but then he switches right back to present. :penguin-no:

Anyway, Remo and Kaiya's story is one I hard a lot in Church and (private, Christian) School. They had a son, he drove drunk, a drunk driver killed him. Drunk driver went to prison. Drunk driver, Chance, came from a broken home, he was a ward of the state, with an extensive criminal history, 20 years old... wait, at 20 years old aren't you no longer considered a ward of the state, but an adult in your own right?

Anyway, he hits all the tick boxes on the "broken person" check list.

Remo and Kaiya met with Chance in prison, learned to love him, and decided to adopt him. Can you even adopt someone who's 20? Legally, I mean? Wouldn't that be kind of pointless?

In any case, once Chance gets out of prison he's going to come live with them.

Isn't that a sweet story?

I know this is a work of fiction, but I've still heard this story soooooo many times I just.... honestly... I don't believe it was ever true.

The couple tells Josh that their names, "Remo" and "Kaiya," mean "The Strong On" and "Forgiveness," respectively. They both feel the need to live up to those names, Remo by being the leader of the home in leading by example, and Kaiya because she needed to forgive Chance.

Josh thanks the couple, saying they have taught him an amazing lesson about life, and he will never forget this encounter. He uses exactly those words.

A paragraph about how beautiful Hawaii is.

Josh finds his friends, Michael, Daniel, and Alex at the baggage claim, but none of their bags are coming out. There's a group of people handing out leis. Josh decides to "mosey on over there" and get one.

Upon receiving it, he says "Mahalo," figuring he may as well say thank you in their own language. He's been reading the Hawaiian phrase book, isn't that cute? I don't consider myself an expert, but I've read A LOT about the Hawaiian language (the author/protagonist DO know it's technically a dead language, right?)

Josh is told that the name of the lei is "Maui Maunaloa Orchid Lei." Josh then asks how you would describe the color. Lolwhut? Who asks how you'd describe the color when it's STARING YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE.

The last paragraph of the chapter talks about how the Lei is going to represent the beginning of a new chapter in Josh's life. It will be a new beginning that is going to have a great ending!

Below that, there's a picture of an hour glass saying

So, we're counting down to his death. That's.... ominous.

If Josh is 50, he's not old enough to remember the Elvis era. I'm 53, and I wouldn't say I remember it. Elvis was an overweight Vegas act for years before his death in 1977, when I was 16 and "Josh" was 13. Maybe the story is set in the 90s? :think:

[usedtobenice]

I love Elvis,and I quote, "Some have compared Elvis to God. He is good. But He is no Elvis."

[Grimalkin]

I really thought it was going to be a porn! Bad dialogue, poor production, exotic location, mysteriouse couple. Sigh. Sounds like it's going to be boring.

[Trynn]

So, I was wrong about him saying he grew up in the Presley Era. Apparently his parents were huge fans. In my (somewhat weak) defense, I am reading this through a haze of cold pills that I unfortunately seem to be immune to, except for that minor side affect of getting slightly high off the DXM. So, it was my mistake.

At the poster above, if this was a porn novel I wouldn't be doing it. They're not my cup of tea.

Chapter 13

Josh tells his friends he knew they'd have the rental car, so he picked out the restaurant for them: The world famous Duke's of Waikiki.

Not sure about world famous, but Duke's does exist, and is indeed in Waikiki. It also looks really expensive for a small amount of food. I'm too lazy to go look up whether it really is a short walk away from the Royal Hawaiian Hotel where Josh is staying, though.

When they get there, it's pretty late, so there's no wait for seating. gosh, in my experience it is the opposite in restaurants, especially ones that have a bar, which the author has conveniently neglected to mention.

Their waitress, Avalon, is wearing a Notre Dame pin. They ask her about it, and she explains her parents were huge fans of the Notre Dame team. Coincidentally, Josh and his pals who's names I can't remember, also go to that school.

"That is interesting, because all four of us are graduates from the University of Notre Dame!"

Avalon replied, "Does that mean I will get a big tip?"

You gotta love young people, don't you?!

Yes, white male hetero protagonist who is rich enough to afford a Hawaiian vacation, you gotta love young people who rely on rich tourists like you being generous with the tip IN ORDER TO MAKE A FUCKIN LIVING.

Although I have yet to meet a waitress who outright asks that. It does sound kinda rude, but still, jeeshh.

Now we get to be introduced to Josh's friends via Josh's narration. First there's paragraph about Notre Damn architecture, which I'm sure is nice but I don't care.

Alexander "we just call him Alex" was from Texas.

Was? As in, he isn't anymore? Is this a normal way to phrase this? I think it looks weird, but there is a fair amount of cough syrup in me.

Alex was also in the ROTC, and always had the desire to be in the US Army.

The text does not say whether he WAS in the army, just that he had a desire to.

Daniel was a NYC kid, and he talked like it!

Whatever that means.

Daniel is brilliant student who wanted to go to work on Walstreet when he graduated.

You know what? I don't care, ok, just tell me like what they do NOW. Or better yet, let them introduce themselves? This kinda reads like a high school yearbook to me.

Michael was the most different. He came from a poor background, but he was hard working!

Exclamation point people, he was a HARD WORKING poor person. It's ok to be poor as long as you're HARDWORKING! exclamation point.

Michael went to Notre Dame to study medicine and become a doctor.

And then we get to Josh, who I'm sure we're all excited to learn about. He got into Notre Dame on a basket ball scholarship. He's always wanted to play for the Fighting Irish, and those dreams came true.

Is that Notre Dame's basketball team? Because in the next few paragraphs he said he had too many kne injuries and wasn't that good of a player, so he didn't make it in basketball outside of college.

Or High School? It's not really very clear, even when I read it last night without cold meds.

Josh gives us a small lecture on the merits of having a backup plan in life in case career #1 doesn't pan out. Thanks for the way too late tip, boss. Yanno what my plan A was? Jesus coming back. Know what plan B was? I didn't have one, that's how FAITHFUL I was.

Back to the book, Josh gives us a neat little lecture on the importance of a good GPA, and how many doors it will open for him. Yeah, my cousin got a 3.5 all the way through HS and still got zero scholarships. How's that for doors opening for her dumbass? She couldn't even afford to go to college!

Aaaaaaaaand after all that talk about Josh having a plan B ready to go, he never tells us what that plan B is. Instead he starts talking about the food they all ordered! Isn't that interesting?

Avalon walked up and asked, "so, are you guys ready to give me that big tip now?" Avalon definitely has a sense of humor or needs to pay some bills!

"By the way, what does Avalon mean?"

"It's cletic and it means 'an island paradise.'"

Ok, first thing: there should've been a paragraph break after Avalon asked if they were ready to give her the big tip. Because Josh is narrating, not Avalon.

Second off, wow, a waitress who is legally allowed to be paid only $2/hr and rely on the generosity of old tourists like yourself needs to pay some bills? NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

Although it does seem kinda rude for her to ask if they are ready to give her the tip now. I mean, I would be a bit rubbed the wrong way.

Third off, it's a really weird transition, he really just asks her about her name and what it means.

Fourth, what a really random question. I wonder what would happen if I randomly walked up to someone and asked them what their name means. Would they even know? The only reason I do is because at one point I was a little obsessed. I'm going to try asking random waitresses what their name means and see what reactions I get.

Of course, I'll be at a bar, so their names will always mean, "you need another drink."

These chapters are really short. That is all of chapter 13.... oh wait, I forgot the ominous warning at the end:

Twenty two hours from now, Josh's trip of a lifetime will come to a screeching halt, and Paradise is going to be over for Josh.

[FundieFarmer]

You say Waikiki, I think Nikki Minaj. +1 for that, for SURE.

This review is great, thank you!! I kind of want to read it for myself now, but I'm also scared of a deluge of mail... #IHateMail

[Trynn]

Fundie farmer I'll let you know if I do receive more mail from them. So far I have not.