Responding to birth trauma online

[2xx1xy1JD]

Original post on the Kveller site:

http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/m ... -i-grieve/

Follow-up reminding people to play nice:

http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/b ... more-43032

First, a little language lesson: I think that what got people riled up is that she wrote this:

This was not the birth any sane person would dream of. It is not the start any family would hope for. But there were no prescribed rituals to help me mourn. I couldn’t recite Kaddish. There would be no yahrzeit candle, unless I counted the one on my daughter’s birthday cake.

Kaddish = Jewish prayer said by mourners

yahrzeit = anniversary of the death of a close relative, when a candle is traditionally lit

Those words are about death, and they would be really triggering for any readers who had experienced an actual death (esp. the death of a child).

I don't think that the author meant to minimize the losses that other women had - but still, bad choice of words on a site where you KNOW that women who have experienced pregnancy loss and loss of children are reading.

An emergency c-section, coupled with a reaction from a blood transfusion, IS traumatic. I don't think anyone could rationally say that it isn't. I also suspect that if the original post simply spoke about that trauma, WITHOUT using highly charged terms associated with death and mourning, very few people would have criticized her.

Because yes, this was a trauma, but trauma is not death. Trauma is a brush with death, but ultimately surviving. Scarred and scared, but still alive.

[Mama Mia]

I agree with you. A bad birth experience can leave a lot of bad feelings, and I could even see saying that you grieve the way it robbed you of enjoying the actual point of childbirth---the actual baby. But comparing it to an actual death seems over the top and definitely oblivious to the feelings of people who may have had a similar experience, but came away with no baby.

[darkplumaged]

The Kveller post really bothered me. I know that for some women, having a particular birth experience is very important. I don't relate to it at all, but I acknowledge it. But to compare a less-than-ideal birth, no matter how frightening, to a death--when neither mother nor child died, and both are in fact healthy now (as far as I know)--seems highly inappropriate and lacking in perspective.

I will give birth for the first time in a little more than six months, God willing. I have always felt that any method of birth that results in a healthy mother and baby is a good birth. Maybe I'll have a different perspective once I've actually gone through it, but I am at heart a whatever-works pragmatist who does not cling to many ideals about having or raising kids... because there is no way to know ahead of time what kind of birth you'll need to have, or what kind of parenting practices are going to work best for your particular kid. (And this is why I could never be a fundie.)

[Arete]

This is honestly one of the most selfish things I have ever read. Her birth was traumatic and she had every right to be disappointed, but to essentially whine that she cannot do the mourning rituals that are reserved for death is selfishness of the first order. She knows she was writing for a site that has women whose babies and children have DIED. Her trauma does not equal the trauma of not bringing home a baby.

[Flossie]

Three years is a long time to still be mourning the loss of her expected "perfect birth". The poster seems very spoiled and entitled. She also seems to want to be seen as a victim.

With my first birth I had it all planned out and things quickly went south. In the end the lives of both me and my baby were in danger and I had a C-section. Lots of drama, but I had my precious baby at the end. By the time I was pregnant again I made plans for a VBAC. It took over a day and but I got through it and once again I had a lovely baby in my arms. By the last time, I planned on doing nothing but doing whatever needed to be done so I could get the prize of holding my new baby. Once again, complications arose but each time something happened, I did what I was told and had a healthy baby. My kids all have interesting birth stories, but they all end the same way: "And then there you were and nothing else mattered".

I'm sure there are plenty of women who would gladly have horrible birth experiences if it meant that their child had survived.

I also hope the poster's not harboring any lingering resentment toward her daughter for 'causing' a C-section.

[galaxy]

I have a lot of very "natural" friends who really went whole hog after they got pregnant. They all come from very different backgrounds, from fairly conservative Christian/Catholic to atheist, city to rural, no college at all to graduate degrees. Some of them managed to completely stick to the plan of no medication and some didn't, and some of them, it varied with their kids. But all in all, there's a strange focus on the birth, rather than the baby. Even after the baby is born it seems like the discussions are on the birth. I don't have kids but I really don't get it. There's a lot of back-patting and posting of articles/books on Facebook and it's kind of tiresome.

[sparkles]

There's definitely a whiny "But what about meeeee?" tone to her post and her choice of words is indeed unfortunate, but I can understand how she feels in a very teensy way. The Sparklet, our first and only, was born with a serious spinal cord defect (she was otherwise very healthy) that required immediate attention so the first few months of her life were filled with doctor appointments, diagnostic tests, more appointments, more tests, lengthy surgery at two weeks old, follow up appointments, follow up tests and eagle-eye monitoring from mom and dad. So the time when new parents are awash in the joy of new baby, learning how to be parents, getting to know their child--well, we missed all of that. It's a complete blur. Yes, it left a lingering sadness but that couldn't hold a candle to the fact that I had a healthy, happy (eventually--she was quite the crab in the beginning, understandably) child who was and still is the light of my life, 23 years later. And I would never, EVER, for one second equate our experiences with the loss of a child. I can't even imagine that entering into someone's head. That it STILL bothers her, years later, is mind boggling. I hope the dogpile that followed her post gave her some perspective and made her realize just how offensive her words were.

[GeoBQn]

Could she have said Birkat HaGomel? That would fit surviving a traumatic childbirth.

[1004srs]

My son's birth was awful. 3 days induced. I was begging for a c-section towards the end because I was so tired. He was in distress when he came out because of the length of time. He didn't cry immediately and everyone in the the room was chanting breathe, breathe. I didn't get to see him for almost 24 hours after his birth. I was thrilled to hold him the first time. I was thrilled that he didn't die and wasn't hurt during the birth process.

ETA: My daughter was born 2 1/2 years later. Much better experience.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Could she have said Birkat HaGomel? That would fit surviving a traumatic childbirth.

That's what I was thinking.

Birkat HaGomel is a prayer said by someone who has survived a dangerous situation. I said it at the baby naming of my second daughter, since she was breach with the cord wrapped 3x around her neck and would have been in serious danger if I hadn't had a scheduled c-section. A friend of ours said Birkat HaGomel after he came back from the Boston Marathon, after the bombing.

To me, that's the right perspective - to acknowledge that you went through something really scary but ultimately SURVIVED. To give thanks for being alive. To embrace life fully, knowing that it can end at any time.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I think I also have a knee-jerk reaction whenever someone mentions expectations about birth experiences.

I do think that experience matters, to the extent that I don't want any mom to suffer or be ill-treated. I can say that my first birth was a better experience than my 3rd - I may be a little fuzzy on the details, but in my mind the clouds parted and there was a ray of sunshine and glittering rainbows when I heard my firstborn cry, while I was busy gasping for breath when #3 was born because the asshole anesthetist forgot to give me oxygen and paralyzed my diaphragm. I also seem to recall dancing after the first birth, and bleeding from the incision for a full month after the 3rd.

So, I get that bad experiences are no fun and are scary. I understand someone vowing never to get pregnant again, or fearing the birth if they do.

What I can't stand is this message that the experience is all-important, and that we can EXPECT to have a perfect experience, if only we do everything right.

I bought into that with preg #1, and fell into a huge depression after my first miscarriage. Part of what fueled some of that was my expectation that I was guaranteed a perfect outcome since I was doing everything by the book. When baby#1 came along a year later, I was tired of being depressed. I deliberately avoided having any expectations of the birth experience, because I frankly didn't believe in my body and didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. The birth of a living baby would be pure joy, and I had absolutely no patience for anyone who would suggest that her c-section birth was anything other than a miracle.

[bionicmlle]

My friend whose baby died in utero on her DUE DATE would take some serious issue with this woman and have a helluva lot to say to her about "grieving."

[darkplumaged]

2xx1xy1JD, I love your posts in this thread.

Somehow I didn't catch that the blogger's daughter was born three years ago. It is well past time for her to find closure and move on.

The fetishization of "natural" birth and parenting makes me absolutely nuts, and I think it is to blame for this relatively new phenomenon in which some women feel as if they must defend having had a c-section (when it is no one else's business), and at worst are still in mourning years later for some hypothetical perfect birth they didn't get to have.

[2xx1xy1JD]

2xx1xy1JD, I love your posts in this thread.

Somehow I didn't catch that the blogger's daughter was born three years ago. It is well past time for her to find closure and move on.

The fetishization of "natural" birth and parenting makes me absolutely nuts, and I think it is to blame for this relatively new phenomenon in which some women feel as if they must defend having had a c-section (when it is no one else's business), and at worst are still in mourning years later for some hypothetical perfect birth they didn't get to have.

Thanks!

I have absolutely no problem with anyone doing their research and making informed decisions on regulated midwife vs. OB, low-risk homebirth vs. hospital birth, preferences re epidurals, etc.

It's the fetish part and unrealistic expectations that I hate. Pregnancy and birth are inherently unpredictable, and not everything is in our control. Feeling bad about my c-sections would make no more sense than feeling bad about the fact that I wear glasses - nature isn't always perfect, and we use technology to correct things when needed. For that matter, I wouldn't even pretend that it's always possible to have the perfect epidural hospital birth. My sister planned that with her first, and only to be told while she was deep in labor that her platelet count was too low to allow it.

It sets women up for failure when there is an expectation that's simply not realistic for everyone, and that's ultimate not in her control even if you pretend that it is. Dashed expectations contribute to depression, and it can suck the joy out of what should be the most joyful experience.

[linnea27]

I completely agree about the fetishization of birth. I planned a natural birth with my first and ended up with an emergency c-section. I didn't feel particularly upset but I still wanted the endorphin rush and superwoman feelings I was told I had missed out on. So for my second I planned a homebirth (in Canada, with a real university-trained midwife who is licensed to be a primary care provider at home or in hospital). I got my all-natural, home waterbirth with zero complications (not even a tear) and I honestly felt traumatized from that. I spent months afterwards crying about the damage I felt my body had suffered, the pain I had endured, the utter lack of anything that might have been called an endorphin rush. I felt an intense sense of betrayal from the natural birth movement and everyone who had told me it would be an amazing experience. I still consider myself a supporter of natural birth for those who choose to go that route, but I am sick of and disenchanted with all the flowery language about natural birth being some sort of magical life changer for women.