5 yr old wearing pink causes angst

[2xx1xy1JD]

http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/t ... more-39252 (not breaking link because it's Kveller, not a fundie blog)

Quick summary: Brand-new step-mom to a 5 yr old is trying to convince the girl to wearing matching clothes and lay off the pink and ruffles, because the child apparently didn't get the memo that this is a feminist house filled with sensible clothes.

I was relieved that the comments were bang on, and many were gentle.

The author, however, needs to learn to chill. Fast. I can only imagine the challenge of being a brand-new step-mom, and a mis-step or two can be expected along the way, but I'm hoping she reads the comments and dials it down.

To be fair - I was once a bit like that. Much of my wardrobe is black, with occasional flashes of gray for excitement. I'm am not remotely a girly-girl. I hate jewelry. I don't wear pink. But....

The girl is 5. FIVE. Dressing up and having an active fantasy life and being blissfully unaware of standing out - that's part of what makes 5 yr olds so wonderful. It doesn't mean that they are bad feminists or that they will never be judged on their merits in the big bad corporate world. It means that they are going through a stage where their preferences and inner imagination often shine through. Very soon, that will end. By 7, most girls are keenly aware of how they are seen by others, they are way too cool for pink frilly stuff and they are somewhat embarrassed by those old photos of them at their most fabulous.

These days, Girl 1 is 14 and Girl 2 is 11. They dress and groom themselves perfectly, they are cool and the highest compliment they can give me is "thank you for not embarrassing us". I no longer have the girls who would dance around the house in diapers, or the ones who would play with plastic purses and beaded necklaces, or who would put on fairy wings and plastic heels. Girl 2 looks in the mirror and checks herself and cares about how she comes across - unlike her 3 yr old self, who would insist on wearing stripped sweaters and shorts and polka-dot tights and shoes on the wrong feet, or her 5 yr old self that would have wild hair topped with a tiara, a tummy sticking out of a pink t-shirt and fairy wings while caught up in her own world, creating an elaborate imaginary scene or writing and singing songs. As great as my girls are now, I miss that.

[RosyDaisy]

When my sister and I were growing up, there was only one rule: as long as it's clean and decent. What our parents considered decent, the Duggars and their ilk would consider defrauding.

[antares]

Nothing wrong with liking frilly pink ruffles if thats what you like to be honest. I thought being feminist was being true to yourself and what you like. Or else it sounds like the mom is falling into the same trap of devaluing the 'feminine' that some point out. And FYI I think the anti-feminist meme of feminists hating femininity is bullshit.

[OkToBeTakei]

Nothing wrong with liking frilly pink ruffles if thats what you like to be honest. I thought being feminist was being true to yourself and what you like. Or else it sounds like the mom is falling into the same trap of devaluing the 'feminine' that some point out. And FYI I think the anti-feminist meme of feminists hating femininity is bullshit.

Except some feminists are so far up their own feminist bums they have forgotten this. They spend their time telling other feminists/women how to be a good feminist which kind of defeats the purpose :(

[formergothardite]

Ahh the pink floofy stage where everything is covered in sequins and ruffles and they want to douse their hair in glitter spray. If you don't make a big deal they usually grow out of it.

[OkToBeTakei]

http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/the-great-fashion-debate-with-my-5-year-old-step-daughter/#more-39252 (not breaking link because it's Kveller, not a fundie blog)

Quick summary: Brand-new step-mom to a 5 yr old is trying to convince the girl to wearing matching clothes and lay off the pink and ruffles, because the child apparently didn't get the memo that this is a feminist house filled with sensible clothes.

I was relieved that the comments were bang on, and many were gentle.

The author, however, needs to learn to chill. Fast. I can only imagine the challenge of being a brand-new step-mom, and a mis-step or two can be expected along the way, but I'm hoping she reads the comments and dials it down.

To be fair - I was once a bit like that. Much of my wardrobe is black, with occasional flashes of gray for excitement. I'm am not remotely a girly-girl. I hate jewelry. I don't wear pink. But....

The girl is 5. FIVE. Dressing up and having an active fantasy life and being blissfully unaware of standing out - that's part of what makes 5 yr olds so wonderful. It doesn't mean that they are bad feminists or that they will never be judged on their merits in the big bad corporate world. It means that they are going through a stage where their preferences and inner imagination often shine through. Very soon, that will end. By 7, most girls are keenly aware of how they are seen by others, they are way too cool for pink frilly stuff and they are somewhat embarrassed by those old photos of them at their most fabulous.

These days, Girl 1 is 14 and Girl 2 is 11. They dress and groom themselves perfectly, they are cool and the highest compliment they can give me is "thank you for not embarrassing us". I no longer have the girls who would dance around the house in diapers, or the ones who would play with plastic purses and beaded necklaces, or who would put on fairy wings and plastic heels. Girl 2 looks in the mirror and checks herself and cares about how she comes across - unlike her 3 yr old self, who would insist on wearing stripped sweaters and shorts and polka-dot tights and shoes on the wrong feet, or her 5 yr old self that would have wild hair topped with a tiara, a tummy sticking out of a pink t-shirt and fairy wings while caught up in her own world, creating an elaborate imaginary scene or writing and singing songs. As great as my girls are now, I miss that.

That nearly made me well up 2xx and I am NOT generally emotional. Maybe the fact Miss OK just turned 11 and I've been thinking a lot along these lines. As much as the future is exciting, I'm nostalgic for Charlie and Lola and the purple feather boa that had to be worn every day for SIX months :lol:

[OkToBeTakei]

Ahh the pink floofy stage where everything is covered in sequins and ruffles and they want to douse their hair in glitter spray. If you don't make a big deal they usually grow out of it.

Yes. You know though, it is still fine if they don't grow out of it. I'm not girly nor is my child at the moment but she has friends who still floofy pink and sparkle, they are smart, good kids and I have no concerns it will be a problem unless some over zealous 'feminist' tells them it is wrong. It's not.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Thanks, OKTBT.

I've also realized that my kids are not just mini-mes. When Girl 1 was preparing for her Bat Mitzvah, I had an image of what I would have wanted - a feminist ceremony, something out in nature, etc. Well, she let me know that wasn't her. I had a bit of a meltdown when she wanted hair and nails done, but some folks gently but firmly told me to get a grip and realize that it wasn't all about me. Girl 1 is into style and grooming. For that matter, she's also into keeping her room decorated and clean and organized, and she didn't get that from me either. She's her own person.

That's what also struck me about the post. Kids are individuals. You can have the greatest style or the greatest political views, but you can't simply see your kid as someone who simply reflects you.

[jaynie]

Most girls do outgrow the pink stage, though, precisely because pink=feminine=undervalued in our society. By 6 or 7 I think the majority of girls (in North America, anyway) give their favourite colour as blue, and many claim to hate pink. Which is unfortunate, because pink is no worse a colour than blue -- but unfavourable, sexist stereotypes do tend to push little girls away from feminine "markers" like that particular colour.

The thing is, the fact that pink is SO pushed on girls and SO frowned on for boys is an annoyance at the least, and probably a symptom of a wider problem, but the problem is societal, not individual. Challenge the widespread assumption that girls all love pink; don't challenge the decision of anybody (5 or 55!) who happens to be one of the few that love the colour.

As an aside, I do wear a lot of pink things (because the colour suits me, mostly). I get some crazy condescending remarks about it occasionally, but they tend to come from the women who claim to hate feminism (even though they support women's rights). So, you know. I don't think they color-preferance police are entirely staffed by misguided feminists.

[louisa05]

Favorite comment on that blog: "Feminism comes in all colors--even sparkly pink".

True story:

I am a girly-girl. I have been so since birth. My mother risked her job rebelling against a "no pants on women" rule at her workplace in the late 1960s and shortly thereafter gave birth to a daughter who frequently refused to wear pants and refused to even try on a pair of jeans until around 7th grade. She didn't know what hit her. But she made me frilly pastel colored dresses and indulged my whims to have extra lace sewn onto things.

Until the latter part of high school when I realized that if I didn't bury the girly-girl part of me, I would never be taken seriously or considered smart. And I was smart. But I had blond streaks, loved nail polish and liked pretty girly clothes. And no one believed I was smart because of it. So the girly clothes and nail polish were abandoned and baseball caps all summer protected my hair from getting too blond in the sun.

After college, I was sick of not being who I wanted to be and I let my girly-girl come out of hiding. The summer I turned 24, I took a grad class in English Lit at a local university (I was a high school English teacher at the time). It was a small class full of hipsters and uber-feminists who all knew each other. I am naturally a bit quiet and was clearly an outsider and did not speak up in discussions too much. One session, though, we were put in groups of three to discuss something. I was with two women who were such good feminists that they did not shave anything and wore plain brown Birkenstocks. I was wearing a skirt, pretty sandals, had polished nails (fingers and toes) and so on. In the course of our discussion, I completely disagreed with the two of them about something. They responded very condescendingly. I defended my point and defended it very well citing the flaw in the critical theory one of them employed. Response, I swear I am not making this up, "Wow. You're smart. I didn't think you were smart at all. You are all with the polished nails and the clothes, but you are actually smart".

[antares]

^ yeah. It seemed to me that even some self identified feminists fall into the same trap of devaluing whats traditionally 'feminine'

Wasn't it only recently that pink was considered a girls color? I remember hearing back then pink used to be seen as a boys color. Though at least I my town I feel like on shirts are getting more common in men. Lol.

[jaynie]

^ yeah. It seemed to me that even some self identified feminists fall into the same trap of devaluing whats traditionally 'feminine'

Wasn't it only recently that pink was considered a girls color? I remember hearing back then pink used to be seen as a boys color. Though at least I my town I feel like on shirts are getting more common in men. Lol.

Pink was considered more masculine in "western" society as late as WWII if I recall correctly. I know there are books from the 30s advertising it as a manly colour, similar to red. Blue was for girls. But, you know. I'm sure colour preferences are innate or something.

[Eoywin]

I have a five year old - she likes pink (though her favorite color is purple) and is very into princesses and being girly. I'm not uber girly and never have been but I encourage her to like what she likes.

I consider myself a feminist - as in I think females are equal to men and should be treated equal. But there is nothing wrong with being girly!

[Lainey]

When I was a little kid, my favourite colour was red. When people asked me and I told them that, my mom would say, "No it's not, it's pink!" This made me hate pink for the longest time.

Now I like pink and purple and such. I really dislike the supposedly "feminist" notion that feminine things are inferior to masculine things. They're not.

[treemom]

I am both a feminist and like pink.

[JesusFightClub]

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

2xx, I totally agree. Let kids have fun and dress how they want, don't put adult values on them.

Small dresses in either hideous neon clashing things with Moshi Monsters on them or her Chelsea strip (Fucking Chelsea? What happened there? Some kind of genetic mutation - she has a Hibs strip too but she won't wear it and when she was a tiny baby she wore a mini Arsenal strip which she cast aside as a clothing choice when she got older). I do not care at all what she wears because she is a little girl with her own taste and style. I have my taste, she has hers, and as long as it's suitable to the weather I think she looks great and super cute in whatever she has on.

Now and again we do get the "And you let her dress herself?" Her mum was super keen on children having matching, fashionable, stylish outfits so no-one would think she was a bad mum, and after she died for the first few months we tried to dress Small and Smaller as she would have wished. After a while we gave up. Life's too short and kids like wearing all kinds of clothes their parents wouldn't have chosen.

My mum still despairs that I reject the sensible suit and tasteful highlights for multi-coloured hair with shaved bits and hoodies. We are what we are, and nowt wrong wi' that.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Part of being a feminist is being able to choose. A feminist can wear pink dresses, have long hair and love girlie things, and be a stay at home mom or a stereotypically female career choice like work in a daycare, but she can also prefer tshirts and jeans, have short hair, be interested in sports and cars and work as a builder. Both of these are valid and both of those are equal in worth. All being a feminist means is that women (and men too) have the choice to do whatever they want in life, whether it is stereotypically for their gender or not.

I am now the guardian of four young kids, a stay at home mom who went to college to train to be a teaching assistant, but now chooses to stay home and look after the kids until the youngest is in school, but does paranormal investigations sometimes at night when the kids are in bed. I prefer to dress in black, I am a bit of a goth, but sometimes I like cute stuff with bright colours, big hair bows and my bunny hoodie with the anime style rabbit face and long ears on the hood. I wear skirts only except for when its cold, and my preferred jacket for ghosthunting is an army jacket sized for a large man (belongs to another member of my team but he lets me wear it). It comes down to my knees.

Out of the girls, I have one who is five, dresses herself in the same two dresses (originally bought for special occasions) and her favourite Cinderella dress which is now practically rags. I don't let her wear that one outside the house because I am not Lauren and I like the kids to at least look decent. I don't mind what she wears as long as it is weather appropriate. Five year olds have different senses of fashion than adults, and that is fine, I don't mind. Shes just being creative by dressing the way she wants.

The just turned two year old doesn't dress herself yet, but she changes her shoes about a million times a day, which does get a bit annoying as she cant do it herself, she just walks over to you with a pair of shoes and says "Shoes please". Although now I have put up the new bunk beds I can put the basket of shoes back out in the hallway where she cant see them.

Ive managed to end up with a very girlie girl who likes dolls, Disney Princesses and everything has to be pink and sparkly, and a girl who mostly loves toy cars and buses, but also like animals and drawing. Her favourite blanket is red with cars on. Then there are the boys, one who dresses only in black, white and navy blue, likes video games, wants to have big muscles and a pet tiger when he is older, and would never dream of wearing pink), and another who likes cute things and will wear my jewellery in the house, always chooses the pink donuts because they remind him of his favourite Moshi Monster, and has loads of pink toys.

[louisa05]

And you can wear frilly things, love pink AND like car shows and have forgotten more about baseball than most men ever know. Why does it have to be so narrow that the woman in the dress has the "traditionally female" career and preferences?

I polished my nails while watching the World Series recently. Alone. Husband was at work and would have not wanted to watch the World Series if he had been home.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Yeah, of course :)

[laura oz]

The OP made my stone cold heart melt, and I cried a little. My little girl is going to be 3 on the 27th this month, and I adore dressing her up. She loves it too, but when she was about 1, she would take her brothers' diapers out of the organizer and put them on her head and do a cute little dance in a t shirt with a Minnie Mouse diaper on her tiny butt. She's changed so much just since then - loves to play with Bobo's cars and bulldozers- and it makes me a little sad to think of the days that are coming when she won't want me to put her in cute outfits, and, as the OP said, will thank me for not embarrassing her and I will see it as the highest praise I'm liable to get from a teen. Plus, she's a mini me, and I have a feeling I'm going to have to nail her windows shut and hide the car keys when she's 16. My poor mom. I went through a sneaky rebellious stage :mrgreen:

ETA My son, who is 10 months older than his sister, loves her hairbows and insists on wearing them in his hair. He also loves her Hello Kitty purses and backpack. Kids will be kids, and will like what they like. As long as they're happy, momma is happy.