Tabby Admits Divorce From Abusive Husband

[SheWhoIsObeyed]

Back in March Tabby posted "it's just me and the children now." At the time we speculated what that might mean, some thinking it meant her husband died. Well on Tuesday, she admitted what I suspected. She left him after 22 years of abuse. She fled to a shelter and now has her own place and the divorce appears to be final.

plaintorahkeeper.blogspot.com

[AtroposHeart]

Can I get some backstory here?

Also glad to see one fundie out of the lifestyle.

[miffy]

I think she is the fundie & he wasn't fundie.

Tabby has a lot of health problems, her ex-husband had health problems, her eldest son had cancer, her house burned down. She is probably only in her late 30s, but a hard life seems to have worn her out.

[Peas n carrots]

Tabby got married to her husband when she was in her early teen's, and had 3-4 children before she was 20. Her husband was several years older. Very creeptastic.

She has had a very hard life, as she is only a few years older than me but she looks a good 15 years older. She basically her own self styled fundie who has combined Anabaptist type clothing with Messianic practices. She longs for others like her but not too many people dress Amish and celebrate Passover y'know?

Her two younger daughters are homeschooled and dress fundie, but her older children are very much not fundie (though not sure if Tabby's fundiedom came after they were mostly grown).

She also goes though phases where she is super into juicing.

[keeks21]

So she could only divorce him because he was a non believer? What would she had done if he was a believer?

[Koala]

I think she was just grasping at anything she could to save her children and herself from a bad situation and still feel okay about what she was doing. She probably felt like she needed to put that in there in case some of her fundie sisters started prattling on about winning him without a word or some such bullshit.

Anyway, I am proud of her for leaving. She married when she was so young and he was much older if I recall correctly, so I am sure getting to this point was uphill work.

I don't comment on fundie blogs as a general rule, but I am half tempted to leave her a word of encouragement.

[Patsy]

Oh, God, good. Good for her.

So she could only divorce him because he was a non believer? What would she had done if he was a believer?

I like to think she would have found another "excuse". Here's hoping.

[Mary C Doates]

Back in March Tabby posted "it's just me and the children now." At the time we speculated what that might mean, some thinking it meant her husband died. Well on Tuesday, she admitted what I suspected. She left him after 22 years of abuse. She fled to a shelter and now has her own place and the divorce appears to be final.

plaintorahkeeper.blogspot.com

Thanks for the head's up. Tabby was the fundie who brought me to FJ (inadvertently, of course--she would be pretty horrified about most of the stuff discussed here, especially the recent tampon-as-symbol-of-patriarchy thread). I was starting to think she'd disappeared for good, and am happy she is safe and apparently happy.

[GeoBQn]

As repugnant as I find her beliefs, I am glad that she left a bad situation.

[nelliebelle1197]

I came across her by accident when I was researching Free Jinger (yep, I made sure you guys were on the level before I started reading and later posting). She had a sad little post about being attacked on here. I find her so poignant. I hope she finds whatever it is she is looking for and needs. Poor dear.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Im glad she got out of there :(

[Miggy]

I could never read her blog. Weird writing style and blog set up that I couldn't get my head around. Very glad to hear she is out of that situation. I wonder whether the older kids had anything to do with her finally leaving?

[MedSchoolMama]

How horrifying that she felt that her religion commanded her to stay in an abusive relationship, and that she only felt it was possible to leave when someone counselled her that it was acceptable to divorce because her spouse is a non-believer! Does she actually believe that being a so-called 'believer' gives you carte-blanche to abuse and mistreat your family??

[becky4201]

Oh my heart just breaks for her. So glad she's away from him.

[AtroposHeart]

Oh, my God! She married him in her early teens! Didn't anyone do anything to stop this?

This isn't the backwoods of Tennesse of the 1940's! Someone should have reported this and sent his ass to jail long before she needed to run to a shelter!

[Peas n carrots]

Oh, my God! She married him in her early teens! Didn't anyone do anything to stop this?

This isn't the backwoods of Tennesse of the 1940's! Someone should have reported this and sent his ass to jail long before she needed to run to a shelter!

IIRC (and I'm too lazy to go find the blog post right now) I think her parents consented. I think she lives in possibly Arkansas?

Yeah, I always had a bit more sympathy towards Tabby than other fundie women. Unlike Terri Maxwell or Kelly Bates she had at the most an 8th grade education and was raising babies as a baby herself after being taken advantage of by a much older man. I have to give Tabby props for finally finding the courage to leave him - and I agree I think the "leaving because he wasn't saved" probably wasn't the only reason she left.

[AtroposHeart]

IIRC (and I'm too lazy to go find the blog post right now) I think her parents consented. I think she lives in possibly Arkansas?

Yeah, I always had a bit more sympathy towards Tabby than other fundie women. Unlike Terri Maxwell or Kelly Bates she had at the most an 8th grade education and was raising babies as a baby herself after being taken advantage of by a much older man. I have to give Tabby props for finally finding the courage to leave him - and I agree I think the "leaving because he wasn't saved" probably wasn't the only reason she left.

Still, even if the parents consented (They should be arrested for adding in statutary rape) someone should have stepped in to report this.

Was Arkansas that backwards a decade ago? I know my grandmother got married at thirteen, but that was in the 40's in rural Alabama.

[julie paradox]

How horrifying that she felt that her religion commanded her to stay in an abusive relationship, and that she only felt it was possible to leave when someone counselled her that it was acceptable to divorce because her spouse is a non-believer! Does she actually believe that being a so-called 'believer' gives you carte-blanche to abuse and mistreat your family??

It's possible that she actually believes that a proper believer would not abuse his family.

I'm leaning towards the "any excuse" camp, though.

[salex]

Oh, God, good. Good for her.

I like to think she would have found another "excuse". Here's hoping.

Truth be told, while "god hates divorce" and all that, per the verse that is used like a club on people-- unless she remarries there is not huge scandal of adultery for divorcing--it is the remarriage that gets messy. That said, I've heard focus on the family or some other similar group say to avoid the sin of adultery by remarrying after divorce that was not caused by adultery, you just have to wait until the expartner takes a lover or remarries. THEN they are the sinful one and you are off the hook.

Loopholes are so much fun.

[AnywhereButHere]

Good for her! I'm glad she found a way to escape. She reminds me of one of my aunts (not in a religious way, but in the befuddled and sweet way), so I've always had a soft spot for her. I knew her husband was much older and not in good health, so I figured he was taking advantage of her in a lot of ways, but from what I read of her postings I never thought he was outright abusive. It seems from what she's written that she has a good relationship with all of her kids, so I hope she has a support system from them.

[MedSchoolMama]

It's possible that she actually believes that a proper believer would not abuse his family.

I'm leaning towards the "any excuse" camp, though.

Based on the way she worded the announcement, it seems (to me) that even after 22 years of abuse, she only considered divorce upon receiving advice from people in her messianic 'group' (church? temple?) that the rules against divorce only apply when both members of the relationship are believers. ("I was counselled by Brethren that divorce was allowed in the Scriptures, when the Husband or wife was an unbeliever .That the Scriptures that dealt with divorce being wrong were written to marriages that were both believers.").

I am thrilled that Tabby got up the courage gather up her children and leave the situation. However, what if another woman, this time with a self-professed 'yah-fearing' husband, approaches this group of bretheren looking for help or advice? Will she be told that she needs to stick with the relationship because in this case the abusive partner is a believer?

[Sobeknofret]

Good for her! I wish her all the healing possible and I hope she finds peace and happiness away from that abusive jerk she married.

[Arete]

I simply cannot bring myself to say "You go girl." or a "Good for you." about Tabby's divorce. She is at peace with getting one because her husband is a non-believer, not because he is an abusive prick. Sanctimonious women are a dime a dozen in any church. She couldn't make this decision on her own, the "bretheren" had to tell her it is good with God. The only good divorce is going to be her divorce. She will counsel other women to stay with their abusive husbands if the husband is a believer.

It's good that she is no longer in a position to be abused by that creeptastic, worthless husband. I just don't think she deserves any pats on the back, because I suspect when the time comes for her to give good advice to another woman, her response is going to be to "Pray to the Lord to turn your husband's heart". :disgust:

Basically, what MedSchoolMama said.

[bananacat]

I'm glad for her. Nobody deserves abuse, even if they believe they deserve it. Or even if they are hateful. I don't know a lot about this particular fundie, but it seems she wasn't fundie when she married this predator. I would wager that he was abusive from the very beginning and that experienced groomed her for fundie-ism because it was sold to her as a way to stop his abuse through her submission, or at the very least to make her feel like she's a martyr when the abuse continued. For a young adult with no education, no money, no way to support herself, and a whole bunch of kids, something like that would be very appealing and tempting.