Need a funeral for your tampon? Here you go!

[Visionoyahweh]

http://www.personhoodfunerals.com/

[camdendayton]

*** Satin-Lined option is vital for the most God-fearing, Jesus-loving families

:lol:

[mkitten]

I really, really wish that I had thought of that first! Brilliant! Step 1: incorporate as a 501c3 Step 2: Donate all funds received to Planned Parenthood. Step 3: Still laughing.....

[Minerva]

Q: What if I cannot afford your service?

A: As Christians we know that what is necessary to serve our Lord is not always easy or convenient. You may need to cut back in other areas of your budget in order to do the right thing. To show favoritism to your living children and not give your recently deceased child a proper Personhood Funeral Ceremony would be sinful.

We do offer financing and if you are interested in having your Personhood Funeral Services financed, email us and explain your interest. We offer interest rates as low as 28%.

You can also plan your marital bonding sessions so that you only have cycles with potential pregnancy every other month, or once out of every three months. Additionally, you do not have to pay for Personhood Funeral Services while you are pregnant.

As Christians we believe that it is our duty to have as many children as we can afford to have (see: The Duggars) as this populates the world with God-loving people and should provide a worldly hedge against non-believers that have undesirable children at such high numbers.

In short, stay pregnant for most of your childbearing years and your Personhood Funeral Service costs will go way down because you will not be having menstrual periods.

Of course, a high number of children may inhibit your ablity to provide for each child appropriately but if you home school them, and home medical care them you can save a lot of money on clothes (don't dress them EVERY day) and other uneccesary costs.

This is actually brilliant.

[Visionoyahweh]

"I am having a full hysterectomy soon due to cervical cancer spreading into my uterus and abdomen. When they remove my ovaries is there a service you can provide for them? I hate the thought of them just being tossed into some kind of mass grave. Would they fit in one coding or would I need two? Is there any additional costs for this? Should I ask the doctor to remove the individual eggs and package separately? How many would that be? Would I need to buy a lot of coffins at once that way? Could you provide some kind of bulk discount in that situation? I am so sad that I will not be able to have any children but I hope that I can give them something beautiful to send them on their way to heaven with your help....."

I love the comments!

[Minerva]

Green people developed the cups so that tampons and maxipads wouldn't add to the landfills (the concept of landfills has been debunked). But we benefit from their invention of the menstrual cup when it comes to properly laying our children to rest.

So when choosing between menstrual cups, tampons and pads, you have to ask yourself, does your child want to float in the fluid it has known its entire short life? Or does it want to be trapped inside a tampon or pad?

We can conduct open casket ceremonies at no extra cost.

I wonder how many fundy couples have been taken in by this.

[Deleted06]

What a bunch of whackadoodles!

[ILoveJellybeans]

Hahahahahahahahahaha, I wonder if there are any fundies crazy enough to do this

[Aisling]

Loving the comment from somebody quoting Carrie :D

[JaChelle Sugar]

Q: What if I cannot afford your service?

A: As Christians we know that what is necessary to serve our Lord is not always easy or convenient. You may need to cut back in other areas of your budget in order to do the right thing. To show favoritism to your living children and not give your recently deceased child a proper Personhood Funeral Ceremony would be sinful.

We do offer financing and if you are interested in having your Personhood Funeral Services financed, email us and explain your interest. We offer interest rates as low as 28%.

You can also plan your marital bonding sessions so that you only have cycles with potential pregnancy every other month, or once out of every three months. Additionally, you do not have to pay for Personhood Funeral Services while you are pregnant.

As Christians we believe that it is our duty to have as many children as we can afford to have (see: The Duggars) as this populates the world with God-loving people and should provide a worldly hedge against non-believers that have undesirable children at such high numbers.

In short, stay pregnant for most of your childbearing years and your Personhood Funeral Service costs will go way down because you will not be having menstrual periods.

Of course, a high number of children may inhibit your ablity to provide for each child appropriately but if you home school them, and home medical care them you can save a lot of money on clothes (don't dress them EVERY day) and other uneccesary costs.

Not buying our product is WRONG doncha know. I can't decide whether this is hysterically funny or headdesk-worthy idiocy. Some of both I guess.

This goes even beyond the (stated, anyway) beliefs of the Quiverfull sect, which at least claims to care not about having 'many children' but simply to 'give over control of fertility to the lord'. This is just the 'more more more' mindset that Quiverfull too often leads to.

'Marital bonding session'? I sense a new FJ term here, right up there with 'sweet fellowship'.

Also, 'home medical care them'??

[Burris]

Not buying our product is WRONG doncha know. I can't decide whether this is hysterically funny or headdesk-worthy idiocy. Some of both I guess.

Hysterically funny: It's satire :D

[Olive Plant]

Yeah, it looks like satire to me. No actual fundie would say "Of course, a high number of children may inhibit your ablity to provide for each child appropriately but if you home school them, and home medical care them you can save a lot of money on clothes (don't dress them EVERY day) and other uneccesary costs."

[Claddagh]

I laughed hysterically reading the site. I must admit to wondering how many people have actually tried this. I'm really rather surprised to see that the fundies haven't latched onto this...yet.

[lilith]

Postage paid shipping envelope in which to ship your child to our facility in Birmingham, Alabama.

Love it!!!

[Deleted06]

My period is starting...let's all bow our heads for a moment of silence. :lol:

[mkitten]

My period is starting...let's all bow our heads for a moment of silence. :lol:

Mine is two days in, little Tam Pax Jr. didn't have a chance...... :(

[Convicted Blossom]

My period is starting...let's all bow our heads for a moment of silence. :lol:

I need prayers more than NotAFundie! My periods are dead, gone, all thirty seven years of them (hallelujah!) Doing the maths I see that this kind offer would only have cost me $777,000 and what did I do? I threw out 444 babies. I probably need a year of silence.

[Convicted Blossom]

Go to the How to! It is beyond hilarious and shows that someone's tongue is firmly planted in his/her cheek.

[Claddagh]

In the comments they're saying satin is the fabric of satan. :lol:

[NurseNell]

Hysterically funny: It's satire :D

It has to be.

Early Bird Discounts are available when paying for an entire year of menstrual cycles in advance. Payment must be received by January 15th.

[Deleted07]

THANK SATIN this is fake, I was worried for a second there! :lol:

[Jessica]

LMAO (obligatory extra characters to fill post quota)

[luckystone]

OMG that is AWESOME!

[kiwimusume]

Oh my Ceiling Cat, the only thing funnier than that page is some of the comments.

[SayNoToMullets]

Darn it! I just had my period, if only I'd known! Now my little potential miscarriage will never go to heaven!

But I'm not married, so of course I'm practicing abstinence. Of course. That's just a given :whistle: