Sexism and culture

[Wolfie]

I hope it isn't offensive to ask if your family is Italian? I have known a large number of Italian families, and not only do the men often love to cook, they're wonderful at it! I do think that is a cultural issue too, though; in the Italian culture it is accepted and encouraged when men cook, in the Puerto Rican culture, it's seen as women's work.

No. not Italian, but from a neighboring country.

[samurai_sarah]

My taller half grew up in a household in which his mother did everything. He moved out eventually, and learned to take care of himself. When he and I combined households, he got lazy, expecting me to do stuff. That lasted for three weeks, before I put my foot down, and we divided the chores. We agreed that this is no different than living with housemates. If you wouldn't ask it of a housemate, don't bother, is our philosophy. We do nice things for one another, but we do have a cleaning rota, and a meal plan. And we do our laundry seperately, unless there's space in the machine. To me, personally, it's a question of respect. I'm not his skivvy, and neither is he mine.

[snarkbillie]

I grew up fundie and I am still overcoming the sexism. When I first got married I got a flu so bad that I couldn't leave the bed. My husband didn't eat dinner and mentioned something about it the next day. I cried and apologized because I felt guilty that he didn't eat. He explained to me that he is an adult and fully capable of making his own food, he just got caught up watching a documentary and by the time he realized he had skipped dinner he was too sick to eat. I felt guilty forever when he would skip a meal or whatever. It's taken me a long time to really realize that I'm not his mama.

[The Archivist]

You're right, he's an adult. So don't care. He's appealing to your love for him by choosing not to eat and then making a stink about it. The only way to deal with that kind of emotional manipulation is to ignore it, in my opinion. If he gets hungry enough, he'll eventually eat.

I agree 100%.

Boundaries for adults 101.

This is going to sound weird, but check out some Al-Anon literature. It's obviously about family/friends of addicts, but the information about taking care of yourself and letting go of what you can't control (their behavior) makes sense in general.

[RachelB]

He and I have discussed this in the past, and he truly believes that he isn't a "typical Puerto Rican" male, yet the evidence proves otherwise - he just doesn't see it. I will continue to call him out on it, but I'm not sure how much headway I'm going to make as the attitudes seem so ingrained.

Thoughts?

The "the evidence proves otherwise - he just doesn't see it" made me think of something. The New York Times Sunday Magazine had a story back in 2008 ("When Mom and Dad Share it All") featuring married couples who were trying to split the housework 50/50. One observation in it was that men married to women noticed how much more work they did around the house than their fathers had, not how much less they did than their wives.

I feel your frustration. Defrosting an already prepared meal, or making a sandwich, requires so little effort. It's not rational to prefer being hungry to something that easy. And if you can't appeal to self-interest, what can you appeal to?

[Vex]

I feel your frustration. Defrosting an already prepared meal, or making a sandwich, requires so little effort. It's not rational to prefer being hungry to something that easy. And if you can't appeal to self-interest, what can you appeal to?

Sure it's rational.

He thinks he's punishing her (making her feel guilty) by starving himself. If he makes her feel bad enough, then surely she'll make an effort to not let him go hungry next time a similar situation arises. Any discomfort he feels from not eating is trumped by both his feelings of superiority (about her making him go without) and his desire to condition her to make an effort in the future. He doesn't realise his scheme is ineffective.

It's twisted, manipulative rationale, but it's rationale nonetheless.

In this case, I would personally not do anything for the time being. You're aware of the manipulation and it doesn't work on you, which is good. I would watch him very closely to see if it is something that is a nasty character flaw on a man you otherwise love, or if it actually is just the tip of the iceberg. Lines in the sand have already been drawn - he has made it clear he will resort to not eating to manipulate you, you have made it clear his manipulation isn't working - so if he isn't prepared to change or compromise at this stage it's likely he isn't going to change his mind later down the road.

The one thing I would be worried about in your shoes would be him trying to influence either your kids or his own daughter. There was one fundie whose husband wanted her and their daughter to only wear skirts, but the mother was opposed. He couldn't get her to change her mind, so he talked their daughter into approaching the mother, telling her how she should be wearing skirts, and in that way he manipulated the mother into doing what he wanted. Not that I think you'd fall for it, but is it possible he could try something like that?

Also, it would be awful if he tried to get the girls to cook in your place if you'd refused to cook, but you're obviously wise to his tricks so you've probably already considered that kind of thing.

I tend to not trust manipulative people, but I can see why this isn't cut and dry.