Lori spinoff: Egalitarian conflict resolution

[2xx1xy1JD]

Lori's blog is basically about how she was a nasty shrew for years and years, until she suddenly decided to be a submissive wife. in her mind, those are the only two possibilities.

She completely ignores a third possibility: the egalitarian marriage based on mutual respect.

I'll give an example of an issue that hubby and I worked through this past week:

I had made it clear that I wanted to go to Montreal at some point this summer to see my 90 yr old grandmother. Hubby was concerned about the timing and logistics, but he saw that it was important to me and we booked the trip for this past weekend.

The week before we were to go, we found out that his uncle was dying, and he passed away on Wednesday. We had to decide whether to cancel the trip or not. Initially, I was disappointed - I really wanted to see my grandmother and did a bit of silent sulking, wondering why his family had to come first (but not saying it out loud), and wondering if we could just go to the funeral but miss part of the shiva (7 day visitation period after the funeral). Then, I realized that I was being unreasonable - I was feeling guilty for not more involved with my grandmother, I knew that my hubby is very close with his family and that was actually one of the things that I love about him. More than that, I've known his aunt and cousins since I was 16, I'm close to them myself and they've always been wonderful to me. At the same time, hubby realized that his uncle's death made it clear that we shouldn't put off visiting an elderly relative, and that the visit was really important to me. We realized that we could flip our schedules for the week, give up the idea of flying and drive instead in order to stay within budget. Since we each considered and respected the feelings of the other person, it didn't turn into a power struggle. We treated it as a practical issue and brainstormed. This way, we were both happy with the outcome, and nobody has any resentment.

[CrazyCatLady]

This way, we were both happy with the outcome, and nobody has any resentment.

Exactly. I don't think it's possible to be a submissive wife and not have lots and lots and LOTS of resentment toward your husband. Obviously you're supposed to suppress this resentment until the day you die, but it just doesn't seem that those feelings could in any way contribute to a truly happy and healthy relationship. My only explanation for this is that these women have fully deluded themselves into thinking that this is not only morally right but that it is what they want.

It pisses me off that Lori's thinking is so black and white-either you are a total bitch to your husband, disregarding his feelings and doing whatever the hell you want, or you are totally submissive to his every whim. In her world there can be no middle ground. I bet it would blow her mind to know that my Christian husband and I are in a happy loving egalitarian relationship (not that Lori knows what that word means)! I wouldn't want to be married to a man who simply wanted to order me around and my husband would not want to be married to a mindless robot.

[Koala]

I doubt there's anything "submissive" about Lori in the first place. I just think she's a bitch that's found a platform on which to stand and talk down to other women.

[Austin]

I doubt there's anything "submissive" about Lori in the first place. I just think she's a bitch that's found a platform on which to stand and talk down to other women.

:clap:

[margiebargie]

:clap:

Me too. I agree too.

Also want to say that Lori's relationship model precludes the development of very important relationship skills. Negotiation. Compromise. Boundaries. Cooperation. These skills are important in any relationship. Friendships. Business relationships. Family relationships.

If you're just going to demand having everything your way all the time then you're just a self-centered asshole.

[TXDuck]

Also want to say that Lori's relationship model precludes the development of very important relationship skills. Negotiation. Compromise. Boundaries. Cooperation. These skills are important in any relationship. Friendships. Business relationships. Family relationships.

Does any fundy family have these skill sets? They all seem rather stunted.

If you're just going to demand having everything your way all the time then you're just a self-centered asshole.

Or a fundamentalist husband. Ok, ok, so they're close to being the same thing. ;)

[2xx1xy1JD]

Does any fundy family have these skill sets? They all seem rather stunted. Or a fundamentalist husband. Ok, ok, so they're close to being the same thing. ;)

Exactly. I've said this before, but I wonder if she has any idea just how nasty she makes both herself and her husband seem. Much of what I read from supposedly "submissive" wives sounds like it comes from bitter passive-aggressive wives seething with resentment. My husband, for example, would be horrified if I told the world that he NEEDS to be right 100% of the time, or that he refused to listen to me for years, or that our marriage was only peaceful once I had given up the idea of having input and resigned myself to saying yes to him all the time, or that for years he never really showed that he loved me.

[fundifugee]

Exactly. I've said this before, but I wonder if she has any idea just how nasty she makes both herself and her husband seem. Much of what I read from supposedly "submissive" wives sounds like it comes from bitter passive-aggressive wives seething with resentment. My husband, for example, would be horrified if I told the world that he NEEDS to be right 100% of the time, or that he refused to listen to me for years, or that our marriage was only peaceful once I had given up the idea of having input and resigned myself to saying yes to him all the time, or that for years he never really showed that he loved me.

QFT. My parents' relationship is a lesson in passive-agression and the wifely skill of behind-the-scenes manipulation. Now that they are done raising kids, they seem to have found some common ground to enjoy each others' company, but that has not stopped them from doing religious marital counselling which basically involves women submit, men lead.

[alba]

Me too. I agree too.

Also want to say that Lori's relationship model precludes the development of very important relationship skills. Negotiation. Compromise. Boundaries. Cooperation. These skills are important in any relationship. Friendships. Business relationships. Family relationships.

If you're just going to demand having everything your way all the time then you're just a self-centered asshole.

Fundies argue that you can't have two leaders and that's why the man must lead and the woman follow. Ignoring the fact that this presumes the man in any relationship will be more capable of leadership, they also don't seem to realise what you point out here, which is that there are other relationships in which you need the same skills, and these do not follow the man/woman paradigm. If you can compromise with your siblings and with your co-workers, you can compromise with your spouse. If you can't compromise with your spouse, how can you be expected to compromise with your best friend?