Nie Nie today and the tag "Mean People"

[gustava]

Also, I admit I am doubtful as to whether he said it like that. Nienie has a revisionist tendency.

Exactly. Take with a grain...or two...of salt.

[OkToBeTakei]

One more thing, personally I think what the guy should have done is reminded his daughter to not stare (if she was) and handled the conversation privately after Nienie was gone. But on lots of blogs and other things people do say "I understand questions from children" or "Questions are ok" and stuff like that. Of course just because some say it doesn't mean everyone is willing to answer personal questions and or for that reason alone it is ok to ask people those questions. But I still think that the intent was probably a positive one. A poorly executed attempt, but still positive in intent.

I just read the whole thread and this resonated with me. TACT...the best way to be tactful. Hard with a child.

My thought is he thought this was the best way to teach his child how to be accepting of another's 'difference' He taught his child to be tactless in my opinion. There are too many nuances in anybodies differences and what 'your' reaction' to it and 'their' reaction to it is. I think personally teaching your child about these things is fluid..based on each situation. No situation or person will be the same.

As to the person posting it? I defer...I have read her. Mean?...no..in my humble opinion. If she used the word mean to garner sympathy...fair enough..that is a shocking disfigurement to go through. But it is not Mr Tactless' fault.

[B5SnowDog]

It is not the job of a person with a disability or difference to educate the rest of the world in tolerance or understanding or even the minutiae of their own particular medical situation. A good parent should teach their child to accept difference without using a stranger on the street as a case study.

I agree so much with you. A person in a wheelchair who goes into a coffee shop isn't going in to educate others, they're there to get some coffee. Going up to ask them questions about their wheelchair is too close to othering for my comfort.

[theologygeek]

I have a friend who has had a multi-decade battle with MS. She uses a wheelchair out of doors, and a rolling walker indoors. This is just her particular opinion as one disabled woman, but she is very open to children asking her why she uses those devices, and if she hears them asking another adult about her, will jump right in and explain. Not a problem for her at all, she has kids and now grandkids, and understands children are curious, and also understands that shushing them is not the best way to get them comfortable around different people.

What really pisses her off? If she catches an adult staring at her. She doesn't care if your mama didn't teach you manners or what your excuse is, to her adults should be able to process her disability without making her feel like a circus freak.

That sounds just like my daughter's friend's mother. I was thinking about this thread and perhaps the father panicked when his daughter asked. Maybe the daughter was talking loud and her father had to make a quick decision on the best way to handle the situation. Sometimes when parents have an "Oh shit, what do I do now?" moment, they aren't thinking clearly and they don't make the best decisions. But they mean well. We won't even discuss the first time I let my son go into the men's room alone and he was taking a long time in there.

[Katiedarling]

I totally agree with this as well. While I personally will chalk Nie's categorization of this man as "mean" up her limited vocabulary, I whole heartedly agree with those who categorize him as insensitive and rude. Whatever happened to teaching your kids that what happened to some stranger's face isn't any of their GD business? And as far as wanting to tell random strangers who are "different" that they are "awesome?" Wow. Seriously? This reminds me of people who talk about needing a "gay BFF" or say things like "I love gay people" or "I love [insert difference of choice adjective] people." To me there are few statements more insulting and less demeaning to others. If you really claim to respect people who are "different" than realize that just like everyone else some of them are kind, awesome individuals, while some of them are assholes. Isn't Nie proof enough of this? Blanket statements about how "awesome" a stranger is based on their different appearance or challenges may be well intentioned, but to me it screams of ignorance aareas 100% demeaning. How about just assuming that every person you run into doesn't need or want your input or "encouragement?"

[Hane]

My one-year-old is adopted, and his biological parents are immigrants from another continent. He is very "exotic" looking, and people are constantly asking variants of, "Where'd you get him?" I try to have a pat answer so that I don't feel awkward, and so that I can keep it brief.

A woman I know is Caucasian and is married to a Korean man. Their children resemble their father far more than their mother. When she is out with the kids and without her husband, rude people often ask, "Where do they come from?" Her favorite reply: "My vagina."

[darkplumaged]

I don't read Nie Nie, so I'm not too interested in the specifics of what she writes... but what I don't understand is why she's a popular blogger. From the little I've read about her, she seems sort of dull and not at all compelling as a person, and she's living through an experience that most people cannot relate to (and wouldn't want to!). I make the last point because there are popular bloggers who aren't great writers and don't have exciting lives, but who are relatable on a mass level and so attract a lot of readers.

[Clementine]

I don't read Nie Nie, so I'm not too interested in the specifics of what she writes... but what I don't understand is why she's a popular blogger. From the little I've read about her, she seems sort of dull and not at all compelling as a person, and she's living through an experience that most people cannot relate to (and wouldn't want to!). I make the last point because there are popular bloggers who aren't great writers and don't have exciting lives, but who are relatable on a mass level and so attract a lot of readers.

People love to read about other people's misery. It's a joke among bloggers:

- What's the best way to get a lot of readers?

- Get cancer.

It's a cynic joke, but at least here in Sweden there have been a number of mediocre bloggers who have had a handful of readers... until they or their child gets cancer (or some other terrible disease like MS or Lou Gehring's disease) and *BAM* their numbers go through the roof.

[mockingbird]

I agree so much with you. A person in a wheelchair who goes into a coffee shop isn't going in to educate others, they're there to get some coffee. Going up to ask them questions about their wheelchair is too close to othering for my comfort.

Agree with this. Whoever said people are curious, but adults have (and should use) the ability to control how they express their curiosity is right on the mark IMO. I also agree that the "I just wanna tell disabled people they are AWESOME!!1!" thing is demeaning. My undergraduate thesis was about how characters with childhood leukemia are portrayed in popular literature and my main point is that a lot of it seems positive on the surface (they are described as "angelic", inspire other characters, etc.) but it's still demeaning/othering because their characters are not fully developed and they are used as plot devices. I think people who say this usually mean well, but it still comes off as demeaning, because it is focusing on the disease, not that unique person. My sister was in a play last year that featured characters with leukemia and one of her friends told her "I JUST WANNA HUG ALL THE KIDS WITH CANCER!!" She thought it was totally clueless - she is only 13 but she has witnessed some of my health issues (I had thyroid cancer as a teen). Now it's a joke... any time cancer comes up in discussion inevitably someone in my family will shout "I just wanna hug 'em!" My sister told me, "I wouldn't hug a kid with cancer without asking, number one because they might have a weakened immune system so they might get sick, and number two because they might not want a hug just because they have cancer." I think her friend meant well, and just didn't have the exposure my sister did (that kids who have cancer really aren't that different from anyone else), but it did come off as insensitive to the situation to her and I think these types of sentiments often do sound that way.

However that being said, I agree that a pat response would be a good idea for someone like Nie Nie, especially if it's something that bothers her, because if you look different you probably will get asked about it at some point (regardless of whether one considers these questions rude or mean or not an issue). That does not mean you have to share anything - your pat response could just be, "Sorry, but it's not something I want to talk about" or "Sorry, that's personal." Some people make a joke to lighten the mood, like in her situation it could be like "really? I didn't notice all these scars on my body!" Personally, I am very short, and occasionally get asked how old I am. My usual response when I was in college was, "Well, I'm in college." This accomplished two things. It usually satisfied the person's curiosity, without giving my exact age (just because they are being nosy and it became a matter of principle in not wanting to answer a nosy question), and it changed the subject to something I would be more interested in talking about since I don't want to talk about why I am short (I don't want to share my medical history) or about "WOW YOU LOOK SO YOUNG!!!1!" (I have heard that before and it's annoying). If someone gets pushy, I act really bored with the conversation and don't answer any more questions. If Person A asks Person B, someone I am with, about my age, I refuse to talk to Person A until they talk directly to me, because I think it's rude to talk around someone who is standing right in front of you. (Yes, it makes it awkward, but it usually makes Person A rethink not talking to me.) I guess now it could be that I'm in medical school but a lot of people don't have as much of a reference for that, so I'm not sure if it would work. It doesn't really bother me to get asked, since I am prepared with how I want to respond and am in control of how much information I share. The one time I was really caught off-guard was being asked if I skipped a grade online because so much of my response depends on a firm, but polite tone (to hopefully show that I am not going to keep talking about my age or appearance), and I wasn't sure how to get that across online. Anyway, I don't get asked this type of question as much as I did growing up, but I do know it is annoying, and it can feel invasive to have strangers asking even something small like your age, let alone being asked about burns that were the result of a traumatic accident. I think she would really benefit from being prepared to deal with it by having a response in mind. I imagine that is possibly something she'd work on in real therapy if she ever went? (Of course she could just think of a response by herself, too, just sounds like a suggestion a therapist might make.)

ETA: I don't think the man was mean, either. Just insensitive and awkward. I think "what's wrong with you?" always sounds bad because it sounds like there is something deficient with the person, like it's a value judgement. I don't think he would have come off quite as insensitive if he had excluded the part about using Nie Nie to teach his daughter that people who look different are ~just like us~ because that made it obvious he seemed to care more about his kid's learning than NieNie's feelings, right to information private, or that she might actually have something to do beyond helping to teach his kid about differences. Maybe if he had just asked if his daughter could ask her a question about her scars or something like that, it would probably seem more polite, but I think a lot of it beyond the "I want to use you to teach my kid" was awkward wording/not knowing how to handle the situation.