From Minister To Atheist: A Story Of Losing Faith

[doggie]

his is the first in a series of stories on losing faith.

I thought this was a very good story and she is pretty brave. of course we see the typical results of this the hate the fear the non christian behavior. The link has the full story and a video.

 

http://www.npr.org/2012/04/30/151681248 ... sing-faith

Teresa MacBain has a secret, one she's terrified to reveal.

 

"I'm currently an active pastor and I'm also an atheist," she says. "I live a double life. I feel pretty good on Monday, but by Thursday — when Sunday's right around the corner — I start having stomachaches, headaches, just knowing that I got to stand up and say things that I no longer believe in and portray myself in a way that's totally false."

 

MacBain glances nervously around the room. It's a Sunday, and normally she would be preaching at her church in Tallahassee, Fla. But here she is, sneaking away to the American Atheists' convention in Bethesda, Md.

 

Her secret is taking a toll, eating at her conscience as she goes about her pastoral duties week after week — two sermons every Sunday, singing hymns, praying for the sick when she doesn't believe in the God she's praying to. She has had no one to talk to, at least not in her Christian community, so her iPhone has become her confessor, where she records her private fears and frustrations.

 

"On my way to church again. Another Sunday. Man, this is getting worse," she tells her phone in one recording. "How did I get myself in this mess? Sometimes, I think to myself, if I could just go back a few years and not ask the questions and just be one of those sheep and blindly follow and not know the truth, it would be so much easier. I'd just keep my job. But I can't do that. I know it's a lie. I know it's false."

[Deleted02]

I heard it yesterday. I thought she did a good job. I'm not surprised she's been shunned by her followers. Pretty typical in the South.

[doggie]

I heard it yesterday. I thought she did a good job. I'm not surprised she's been shunned by her followers. Pretty typical in the South.

not just the south. this would happen in most churches. it's love they neighbor unless he is not like you.

[Deleted02]

True that. I thought it was brave of her to come forward.

Wasn't there another minister who said he was an atheist? He's well-known but I can't think of his name.

[kpmom]

An interesting story. Thanks for posting it.

The only thing I think she should have done differently is to let her church know about her lack of faith before she attended and spoke at the American Atheists convention. She had a meeting set with them after the convention. which they cancelled. They might have felt blind sided. I think, as her employers, she owed them that much.

[doggie]

True that. I thought it was brave of her to come forward.

Wasn't there another minister who said he was an atheist? He's well-known but I can't think of his name.

there seems is a whole organization for it.

[doggie]

An interesting story. Thanks for posting it.

The only thing I think she should have done differently is to let her church know about her lack of faith before she attended and spoke at the American Atheists convention. She had a meeting set with them after the convention. which they cancelled. They might have felt blind sided. I think, as her employers, she owed them that much.

well yes but it would have been even harder and they may have tarred and feathered her. it would have been bad either way no matter how it was handled. they would be thinking she deceived them

[dawbs]

I'm going to echo telling the congregation first...but that's just me.

I also wonder if she's tried to connect w/i the church. Because she talks about picking up the phone to talk to people and stopping before she finishes dialing...I can imagine some of her old friends are at a loss (yes, they should be reaching out, but people are weird) and think she has dropped them while she's thinking they have dropped her...

I wish there was some information on what the actual congregation reaction was/is.

[kpmom]

well yes but it would have been even harder and they may have tarred and feathered her. it would have been bad either way no matter how it was handled. they would be thinking she deceived them

But that's what grown-ups do. They face things like this, even if it's uncomfortable. And I doubt the United Methodist Church tars and feathers people.

[kpmom]

I'm going to echo telling the congregation first...but that's just me.

.

And if facing the congregation was too difficult, which I can understand, I believe she should have at least spoke to her immediate "supervisor" (or whatever the church term would be).

[dawbs]

right, by, 'tell the congregation' I don't necessarily mean she needs to be saying it from teh pulpit. But that she really should have told someone there.

But finding out that a leader in your organization quits, via news-feed from a conference 'opposed' to your organization...that's kinda crummy. Hell, if she'd have called on her drive back from the other conference and given them a head's up, that probably would have been a start.

[kpmom]

right, by, 'tell the congregation' I don't necessarily mean she needs to be saying it from teh pulpit. But that she really should have told someone there.

But finding out that a leader in your organization quits, via news-feed from a conference 'opposed' to your organization...that's kinda crummy. Hell, if she'd have called on her drive back from the other conference and given them a head's up, that probably would have been a start.

Exactly. I imagine that's why they cancelled the meeting with her. I can't imagine there are mainstream churches that haven't dealt with a crises of faith among clergy, and they probably have procedures. It just seemed like she was painting the church in a negative light by saying they wouldn't talk to her and cancelled the meeting. But they might have felt hurt that she didn't come to them. She might not have realized it would get picked up by the news media and get back to her church.

[Coconut Flan]

Tell the bishop and resign. It's the honorable course.

I feel for all the pastors who have "lost their faith." It has to be dreadful, but be mature and face it. Going off and making a public talk about it without dealing with the situation at hand first was to my view cowardly and immature. I've attended a couple of churches where the pastor had a crises of faith and it was handled much better. One simply "retired." The other went to the bishop and discussed it and then the church board was told he was leaving.

[Kitten]

Sorry, but I think she handled the whole thing like a 13-year-old breaking up with her first boyfriend. Told all her friends what she was gonna do before he knew anything about it, then tried to act like it was all his fault when he got upset.

IMO, an adult would have resigned as a pastor when she became convinced she was no longer a Christian. She didn't have to give a reason. If pressed, she could have simply said " I believe it is time to seek another path in my life." Let people speculate all they want. Or, if she really felt compelled to share more, she could have simply said "I no longer feel qualified to serve as pastor. I have had personal doubts about my beliefs and no longer feel I can meet the requirements of the ministry." Done. The Inquisition ended a few centuries ago...

As for job interviews, if someone asks you why you left a job, ANY JOB, you never say anything negative or bad. You simply say "I am looking for new opportunities that my previous position didn't provide," or "I'm exploring new career paths," or "I'm really excited about the opportunity to pursue XYZ."

Her problem, from my point of view, is that she needed recognition and approbation for her decision. She needed to "tell her story" to the world, and make damn sure every last one of us knew it. Why is it a GOOD thing that everyone in the atheist convention cheered? That's just perpetuating the us vs. them, right vs. wrong conflict. She wasn't escaping from some abusive illegal cult that she needed to expose to the world so justice could be served - she left the UMC!

Do I think the "Christians" who treated her meanly afterwards acted in a Christ-like manner? Nooo, but did she think they were going to be happy for her and throw her a party? When she basically just slapped them in the face? If I had been a congregant, I certainly wouldn't have done or said anything rude or mean, but I wouldn't have gone out of my way to engage with her. Why should I? She lied to me for months; she "went behind my back" to go public at the convention -- that's not someone I really want to associate with, religious beliefs aside.

[doggie]

Sorry, but I think she handled the whole thing like a 13-year-old breaking up with her first boyfriend. Told all her friends what she was gonna do before he knew anything about it, then tried to act like it was all his fault when he got upset.

excellent post and I fully agree.

[crassy]

She was a guest on the Godless Bitches podcast last week. I feel for her. She was raised fundamentalist Baptist, went on to be a Methodist minister and had a massive crisis of faith. I imagine she didn't know if she was coming or going.

It is all well and good that people are saying what she should and should not have done but when self-preservation kicks in and you realise that everything you have lived for is now something you believe to be a lie, who knows what you or I may do in that situation.

[darareaksmey]

Sorry, but I think she handled the whole thing like a 13-year-old breaking up with her first boyfriend. Told all her friends what she was gonna do before he knew anything about it, then tried to act like it was all his fault when he got upset.

IMO, an adult would have resigned as a pastor when she became convinced she was no longer a Christian. She didn't have to give a reason. If pressed, she could have simply said " I believe it is time to seek another path in my life." Let people speculate all they want. Or, if she really felt compelled to share more, she could have simply said "I no longer feel qualified to serve as pastor. I have had personal doubts about my beliefs and no longer feel I can meet the requirements of the ministry." Done. The Inquisition ended a few centuries ago...

As for job interviews, if someone asks you why you left a job, ANY JOB, you never say anything negative or bad. You simply say "I am looking for new opportunities that my previous position didn't provide," or "I'm exploring new career paths," or "I'm really excited about the opportunity to pursue XYZ."

Yeah, that. I think this happens more than we realize, and pastors just find more graceful ways than this to leave the pulpit.

Her problem, from my point of view, is that she needed recognition and approbation for her decision. She needed to "tell her story" to the world, and make damn sure every last one of us knew it. Why is it a GOOD thing that everyone in the atheist convention cheered? That's just perpetuating the us vs. them, right vs. wrong conflict. She wasn't escaping from some abusive illegal cult that she needed to expose to the world so justice could be served - she left the UMC!

Do I think the "Christians" who treated her meanly afterwards acted in a Christ-like manner? Nooo, but did she think they were going to be happy for her and throw her a party? When she basically just slapped them in the face? If I had been a congregant, I certainly wouldn't have done or said anything rude or mean, but I wouldn't have gone out of my way to engage with her. Why should I? She lied to me for months; she "went behind my back" to go public at the convention -- that's not someone I really want to associate with, religious beliefs aside.

[Elle]

I won't have the chance to listen to the interview until tomorrow, but why, if she no longer believes and feels sick over it, is she still a minister? And what reason did she give for going on the radio instead of telling others within the church first?

[crassy]

I won't have the chance to listen to the interview until tomorrow, but why, if she no longer believes and feels sick over it, is she still a minister? And what reason did she give for going on the radio instead of telling others within the church first?

She's not still a minister. She actually came out at an atheist convention and it was then blabbed all over the news in her town. She says in the Godless Bitches interview that her family found out from the news before she could tell them.

[VintageJen1984]

I heard it yesterday. I thought she did a good job. I'm not surprised she's been shunned by her followers. Pretty typical in the South.

If the lady who sits down the pew from me decides she no longer believes the Christian faith, I won't shun her for it. If she, for what ever reason, decides she will continue attending church, that is up to her. If she stops coming, that is also up to her.

If my pastor, a.k.a. the man or woman I go to to seek wise counsel (and, in point of fact, Christian counsel) decides they no longer believe the Christian faith, but continues in their job, instead of resigning, and I didn't know they were abandoning their faith, that would upset me. Would I shun them if I found out? No. Would I go out of my way to talk to them? Also no.

What if your doctor decided he no longer agreed with modern medical practice, and sided with the faith healers but made no point to tell anyone, while still collecting a paycheck and having all the trustworthiness of a doctor behind his name? Would you trust him if you found out? Would you feel hurt that maybe he didn't send you on enough referrals, deciding instead to perhaps pray for you?

The problem here isn't "OMG my pastor isn't Christian anymore!" The problem is that they continued in their position as leader, as one you go to for counsel, and lying about it.

[SheWoreLemon]

I know of an ELCA (liberal) Lutheran pastor who went to his congregation and said, "I'm having a really hard time believing in God right now, sometimes I think I'm just mouthing the words--do you want me to resign now or wait until you get a new pastor?" The congregation talked it over, took a vote, and told him--everyone has times where they struggle with faith--we want you to stay as our pastor until you figure out what you need to do.

Kitten's comparison to a 13-year old is exactly right. Methodists are theologically liberal as well--it's not like they would have burned their pastor at the stake for losing her faith. This could have all been handled in a rational adult manner. To have your pastor go on a national radio show and call you a bunch of mindless sheep who are too stupid to ask hard questions would be *extremely* hurtful to her parishioners.

[Coconut Flan]

The problem here isn't "OMG my pastor isn't Christian anymore!" The problem is that they continued in their position as leader, as one you go to for counsel, and lying about it.

The doctor example is exactly what came to mind with me. Pastors are considered professionals in their jobs and while questioning their faith is one thing, misrepresenting themselves is quite another. Being confused I understand, but seek counsel themselves. Many, many other pastors have had issues and handled it in a much more mature responsible fashion.

[valsa]

The doctor example is exactly what came to mind with me. Pastors are considered professionals in their jobs and while questioning their faith is one thing, misrepresenting themselves is quite another. Being confused I understand, but seek counsel themselves. Many, many other pastors have had issues and handled it in a much more mature responsible fashion.

While I agree that she didn't handle this well, I'm not sure people are portraying the doctor comparison accurately. If she was still giving counsel from a Christian POV (hell, I'm atheist/anti-theist and even I could give scripturally sound advice), it'd be more like having a doctor who doesn't believe in modern medicine but still practices medicine to the standards acceptable in the modern medical community.

[margiebargie]

While I agree that she didn't handle this well, I'm not sure people are portraying the doctor comparison accurately. If she was still giving counsel from a Christian POV (hell, I'm atheist/anti-theist and even I could give scripturally sound advice), it'd be more like having a doctor who doesn't believe in modern medicine but still practices medicine to the standards acceptable in the modern medical community.

Agree with your refinement of the doctor analogy.

I also agree that she didn't handle it well. However, I don't believe for one minute that her religious "friends" would have been all smiley and warm about her deconversion even if she had been more up front about it.

[Austin]

I've not read all of this, but I can say that losing one's faith can be extremely frightening and upsetting. Whether she handled it all wrong seems to be part of the debate, but my guess is that she might have been flailing around a bit trying to figure things out, looking for answers.

When I finally let it go, I had moments where I would just feel paralyzed and terrified, even panicked. My coping mechanism was not to talk about it, but that's just me.