From Another Site: What If Your Child Is Gay?

[No Fun My Babe]

On Topic, is it wrong to say I hope my kid is gay? I mean with the stats the way they are, I sure as hell, would like a gay child to grow up in our household, where neither my headship or I would care one way, then some bigots house, where they make them pray the gay away or kick them out. I would be more pissed if I got a jock, sheeple kid, then if we had a gay or trans child anyday. I actually debated going and adopting gay teens in my 20's, but we were not settled enough for any kids then, now I need a few years to be ready for any teens as toddlers are a handful. I hate that some parents can turn on their own kids so easily.

I don't think that's wrong at all. I can't have biological children, but I was a second mom for my ex's kids throughout most of their lives. They were old enough to understand what was going on when their mom and I got together and we talked with them about sexuality and love and always made it known that we'd love them whatever they were. And that's true, but it would be so much easier for gay kids to be brought up where they were accepted and loved without question because I've seen the devastation and cruelty towards those who weren't.

The two kids are teenagers now, so I really have to stop calling them kids. :P They're both straight, and that's fine, because that's who they were meant to be.

I just can't understand how this non-issue is still so taboo and how hateful some people are. It really breaks my heart.

[valsa]

I sort of get what CT is saying about needing time to come to terms with the situation. However, I don't see why her children should even have to know about that.

Exactly. I was very nervous when I came out to my mother, even though I have an older gay brother who'd been out for years and my mother had never had a negative reaction to him (as far as I know) Did she have a mental crisis or need time to adjust her expectations for my future when I came out to her? I have no clue. If she did, I certainly never knew about it.

If my mother had been anything less than 100% supportive right away, I would have been devastated and furious (my love for her notwithstanding)

[CustardTart]

And saying your kids don't love you if they can't understand why you won't immediately accept them is beyond intolerance. It's cruelty. Beyond that, what the hell is there to come to terms with?

Oh dear God, I never said said that. Please don't create.

And in your words, "what the hell is there to come to terms with?" Well, to be honest, I can't quite understand it myself only to say it would be very 'foreign' in my experience. Nothing to do with religion.

I remember when Chas Bono came out. He said he was surprised that Sonny was the one with no issues and that Cher surprised her with needing to come to terms. He thought it'd be the other way around.

People can be tolerant, accepting, loving etc and still have their own personal internal quirks they need to overcome. Bless the ones who strive to overcome.

[Kelya]

I suspect that that sentence is screaming "make me a GRANDMOTHER!"

And yes, I know it's not as simple as that; but some of the processes through which gay people might have children are not what a lot of people mean when they say they Want Grandchildren (just as some people who want children don't want to adopt).

I sort of get what CT is saying about needing time to come to terms with the situation. However, I don't see why her children should even have to know about that. My own inner life and personal trauma is completely unknown to my children, even when it's about them.

Exactly! I've been trying to type responses to this thread and you just said it. Of course you're going to be worried or upset- your kid just revealed themselves to be part of an actively discriminated against minority group. But there's nothing to "come to terms with" regarding your child. Anything you need to "come to terms with" is regarding society or your own viewpoints and should be dealt with separately.

[valsa]

Oh dear God, I never said said that. Please don't create.

If my children were gay, I wouldn't be happy. I'd go through a lot of emotions on the way to being fully at peace with it. I'd never throw them out or shun them. I'd let them know I love them no matter what and their partners would be welcome here. I'd treat them the same loving way I always have. But they have to give me time to accept the loss of my own dreams and hopes for them i.e.having a traditional family. My kids love me enough to allow me that time, because they know after the shock had gone, things will go back to how they were before...just us being a loving family.

Excuse me, I misspoke. They can love you, they just don't love you enough.

Bless the ones who strive to overcome.

I'll bless the ones who get off their intellectually lazy asses and overcome it before their kids come out to them.

[CustardTart]

Custard Tart, that way= saying that you need time to get over your own hopes and dreams for them.

That definitely would be part of it. As a mother, I can only lay my head down at night in peace if my children are ok and happy. I would definitely be able to get over my old hopes and dreams for them in favor of my new hopes and dreams for them.

As parents I think we all have dreams for our children. Those dreams don't mean they get in the way of our childrn's own dreams.

[formergothardite]

What hopes and dreams disolve because they are gay?

[MandyLaLa]

Don't tell me how to feel. If my child were gay, I wouldn't be happy. Don't get all fucking militant and tell me my own personal process is wrong. The title of this thread asked a question. Read my answer again, morons, and note that I was being honest for the sake of intelligent discussion, not militant teenage OMGs. Or should we all just be fucking clones here on this site and all join in with "Oh wow how can anyone even suggest I"D have a problem with my child being gay!!!!!"

Pathetic. Well, that's what I get for assuming there could be ational discussion. You're just as fanatical and narrow-minded on this topic as the fundies, but on the other side.

Actually the title of this thread is not a question being posed to FJ (though it's no issue people have answered) The point and intention of my making this thread was to laugh at the posters on another site for their disgusting views on how they would react to having gay children.

It's not my fault that you custardtart, didn't realize just by reading this thread that your answer to what you would do is exactly like the answers I posted from the other site, and why people who think like you have no business being parents.

But thank you for opening your mouth to come out as a narrow minded, selfish, bigot, I'd rather know your true feelings than think you might actually *gasp* unconditionally love your children no matter what.

[CustardTart]

I'll bless the ones who get off their intellectually lazy asses and overcome it before their kids come out to them.

valsa, this is actually a good idea.

[No Fun My Babe]

I guess my problem is that there shouldn't have to be anything to come to terms with. It's just who they are.

Most of my family is cool, but there are the idiots who are fake polite and nice and pretend to be all "accepting" and probably think they're progressive, then magically, a comment or two will "slip". I don't have much to do with them, because fuck 'em.

[CustardTart]

There shouldn't be anything to come to terms with, but there is. I think the next generation will see homosexuality as the exact same thing as herero. It's the times.

"Her daughter Chastity announced that she was gay and began campaigning for gay rights. Cher tells "My response to Chastity being Gay was very un-Cher like. I didn't know what to do and who to turn to, I was devastated! The funny thing is I knew all along that she was gay, I just didn't want to admit it." Cher's current relationship with her daughter is extremely strong and Cher admits she has learned to except her daughter for who she is."

I give Cher a TON of credit of being honest with her feelings. She could have stuck with her gay icon status and lied about her feelings, but she didn't. And in the3 process, helped a lot of others "come to terms".

[MandyLaLa]

Just some advice, please try to be less narrow-minded when it comes to the feelings of others your child being gay. Give them your child a chance before you go all militant selfish and butt hurt on them. Otherwise you're just the same as the fundamentalists you snark here posters in the original post.

Peace.

Fixed that for you.

[CustardTart]

Most of my family is cool, but there are the idiots who are fake polite and nice and pretend to be all "accepting" and probably think they're progressive, then magically, a comment or two will "slip". I don't have much to do with them, because fuck 'em.

This is going to sound horrible, but I keep thinking that generation is going to die out, don't worry! Things are changing, really!

[formergothardite]

But what exactly are the dreams and hopes that you currently have that will not be met if your children are gay?

[CustardTart]

But what exactly are the dreams and hopes that you currently have that will not be met if your children are gay?

You know, asking me spot on, I can't answer that, I don't know! If I sit and really think about it, I can't think of anything different. Happiness, good jobs, loving relationships, losta money, health...

[ElphabaGalinda]

But what exactly are the dreams and hopes that you currently have that will not be met if your children are gay?

Yes, this is what I did not understand.

[formergothardite]

So really, all your hopes and dreams for your children will be the same if they are gay. So the next step would be to search your soul and confront what it really is about being gay that will make you unhappy if your children say that they are.

What exactly is it about your child being gay that you will have to come to grips with? That you will have to take time to accept?

[EmmieJ]

I'm sorry that I haven't read through all the responses, but I just wanted to add mine quickly. If my child is gay, that's fine with me. My only concern would be for his safety and well-being. I don't understand the concept of shunning or withholding love from your own child, no matter the justification.

I believe that our sexual orientation is genetic, not chosen. I certainly never made a conscious decision to be straight. I just am. Further, why would anyone chose to be gay or lesbian in our culture, when to do so is to risk your life, to be mercilessly teased, bullied and discriminated against? That defies logic.

When I had my child, I learned that we are all born with most of our traits and characteristics firmly in place. I had this idea that I could help mold my child. Ha! Of course, we teach our children, but their personalities are there from day 1. My son is stubborn as a mule. I can relate because so am I. He will endlessly debate a point. He has an amazing aptitude for math and does geometry problems in his head as fast as a calculator. So fast that he has trouble writing down the process. I didn't teach him that or give him that capability. He was born with that. Anyway, I believe it's nature not nurture that determines our sexual orientation.

[CustardTart]

So really, all your hopes and dreams for your children will be the same if they are gay. So the next step would be to search your soul and confront what it really is about being gay that will make you unhappy if your children say that they are.

I'm going to seriously think about this. In my heart, I'm feeling that "unhappy" isn't it. More like scared. Hmmm. Thanks, by the way.

[CC3]

I'm sorry that I haven't read through all the responses, but I just wanted to add mine quickly. If my child is gay, that's fine with me. My only concern would be for his safety and well-being. I don't understand the concept of shunning or withholding love from your own child, no matter the justification.

I believe that our sexual orientation is genetic, not chosen. I certainly never made a conscious decision to be straight. I just am. Further, why would anyone chose to be gay or lesbian in our culture, when to do so is to risk your life, to be mercilessly teased, bullied and discriminated against? That defies logic.

When I had my child, I learned that we are all born with most of our traits and characteristics firmly in place. I had this idea that I could help mold my child. Ha! Of course, we teach our children, but their personalities are there from day 1. My son is stubborn as a mule. I can relate because so am I. He will endlessly debate a point. He has an amazing aptitude for math and does geometry problems in his head as fast as a calculator. So fast that he has trouble writing down the process. I didn't teach him that or give him that capability. He was born with that. Anyway, I believe it's nature not nurture that determines our sexual orientation.

Can you please back up your beliefs with studies? I am very curious as to why this is the accepted "norm" but I can't find any basis for it.

[MandyLaLa]

Can you please back up your beliefs with studies? I am very curious as to why this is the accepted "norm" but I can't find any basis for it.

Can you please back up your beliefs* with studies?

*That sexuality is a choice, you can decide to be gay or straight.

[Conuly]

Probably it's the norm because nobody can find an emotional or psychological factor that would appear to cause homosexuality, and homosexual behavior has been observed in over 1,000 different species.

At a certain point, if you don't find an environmental factor, you assume there is none. But if you have evidence that there IS some non-inborn factor that leads to gayness, by all means, enlighten the rest of us!

Of course, again, the question is "Why does it matter?"

[valsa]

Can you please back up your beliefs with studies? I am very curious as to why this is the accepted "norm" but I can't find any basis for it.

Maybe because lots and lots of people have tried to be not gay and it doesn't work. Exodus International is one big case study in how trying to change your sexuality doesn't work.

You seem to be ignoring the fact we don't know the exact cause of a lot of things, but that doesn't make them changeable. No one can tell me exactly why my cousin is severely autistic but I certainly know she can’t change being that way.

[valsa]

At a certain point, if you don't find an environmental factor, you assume there is none. But if you have evidence that there IS some non-inborn factor that leads to gayness, by all means, enlighten the rest of us!

There is a school of thought that says hormones (exposed to as a fetus) could play a role in sexual orientation. Technically, that would be considered an environmental factor, though it's usually not what fundies think of when they say "environmental factors".

[CC3]

Can you please back up your beliefs* with studies?

*That sexuality is a choice, you can decide to be gay or straight.

I don't happen to agree with you. I am interested if there is a genetic link, if a study of nature vs. nurture has been completed or any other study has been done to prove people are born straight or gay. I have heard over and over we are born one way or the other and I would like to read about it. No offense, but I don't believe just because someone says its not a choice or it is a choice doesn't make it so.