From Another Site: What If Your Child Is Gay?

[valsa]

Ohhh, poor thing! Your kids might disrupt your fantasy of heteronormative bliss by daring to be who they are, how sad for you. Luckily for them, you will bravely soldier on through your disappointment, eventually. Shit, did you have kids solely so that they would validate you by doing exactly what you want them to? Are you that narcissistic?

What the fuck is with the invasion of the clueless lately? We've had an awful lot of posters who seem to think they're showing off what great people they are, not realizing that they are actually advertising their asshattery. /Gratuitous alliteration.

I'm particularly surprised (though I probably shouldn't be) at her selfishness. Your kids love you enough to allow you time? The fuck? Your child is going through probably the worst day of their life- a day where many gay children face violence and being kicked out of their homes- and you put even more of a burder on them by expecting them to be understanding because you need time to "accept the loss"? And if they don't understand, it means they don't love you enough? THE FUCK?

Maybe you should love them enough to not need time.

[valsa]

I'm not side-stepping anything. As I previously said, I believe sexuality can and does change because I know people who have had that experience. I personally am not going to change my sexuality after 33 years of heterosexual marriage nor am I going to indulge your question as to how I could try to change into a homosexual. Would it be possible if I tried? Possibly, but we'll never know. Perhaps that's the answer you are looking for. Humans are very complex, psychologically, biologically and hormonally.

So, no.

[JesusFightClub]

Ohhh, poor thing! Your kids might disrupt your fantasy of heteronormative bliss by daring to be who they are, how sad for you. Luckily for them, you will bravely soldier on through your disappointment, eventually. Shit, did you have kids solely so that they would validate you by doing exactly what you want them to? Are you that narcissistic?

Yeah, what is this? They don't have to allow you anything, CustardTart.

Do I know my parents are disappointed in me? Yeah, sometimes. It's part of a whole complex thing kids have going on with parents. That is alright. You BY YOURSELF could say "well I wanted X and I got Y. But I love my family member and I want them to know that." Then you should put on the big girl pants. BY YOURSELF.

This means not having a period of introspection while your child waits anxiously to know if you still love them or not. It means saying "Sweetheart, we love you and want you to be happy. I hadn't expected this, so why don't you tell me about it? But first give me a hug."

[CC3]

So, no.

valsa, please have the last word. It will make you feel better. :lol: Good night.

[valsa]

valsa, please have the last word. It will make you feel better. :lol: Good night.

CC3, I have a lot of "deeply held beliefs". I have deeply held beliefs about religion, politics, abortion, euthanasia, gay marriage, etc. However, were I ever asked if it would be possible for me to change any of those beliefs, my answer would NOT be "Possibly, but we'll never know". Even if I know 100% I will never want to change my beliefs, I know that I am capable of changing them. Sexuality is not a "deeply held belief" and, though it can be pretty fluid, it cannot be changed like one either.

[mockingbird]

And it doesn't make them not.

Or, rather, the number and intensity of same-sex attractions that might be enough for one person to say she's bi might not be enough for another person, even if they're having the same experiences.

This is the problem with dealing with self-identification, it's all so... individual. Still, we're stuck with it, as it's bound to be better than telling people they're wrong about their sexuality.

I think I can kinda see where you were going there. You're suggesting that maybe somebody, for whatever reason, had a period of coming across people they were attracted to of one gender, and then another period of coming across people they were attracted to of the other gender, and their preferences didn't actually change it was just a statistical fluke that it lined up like that... right?

That makes sense. It's bound to be more likely the closer to the asexual side of the OTHER sexuality scale you are. If you're only attracted to one or two people a year, at most, it's going to be harder to figure out who gets you going, I think, than if your body is wired to constantly notice other people like that. (Which is fine on either end)

I wonder if you are both describing pansexuality (pretty sure that is the word)? Where your attraction is based on factors other than gender, so much that gender is irrelevant/almost irrelevant?

Anyway, I kind-of get Mrs S2004's first post. I never had the celebrity crush thing going on in middle school and I felt weird about that. It just happens that for me to be really attracted to someone it has to be more than looks. Looks can add to it, and I do have a "type", but rarely is that the ONLY factor that makes me attracted to someone, or like the instant attraction factor that it seems to be for a lot of others. I think I am just not very visual? IDK. (I was going to say that I'm very relationship-oriented but that seems more of a personality thing than innate sexual attraction thing. But now I fit the Gothard stereotype of the woman who gives sex for love and isn't visually defrauded... :twisted: ) So yeah, I might not be really attracted to anyone in particular for months at a time because I have to get to know the person a little bit. In between I am attracted to the idea more than specific people. I'm definitely not asexual though. For me, it only happens with men though (I am a woman). I can find women hot/visually appealing but I'm never really attracted to them/have never had a "crush" on another woman. I could see myself being confused about my sexuality or thinking it had changed if I had ever been attracted to women just because my attraction isn't as visually-based, so I wouldn't have other examples in my life of being attracted to woman, especially on a constant basis.

[tankgirl]

I consider myself Bi, for all it matters, I say that in the fact that unless my headship dies or I kick him out one day, after almost 20 years together, a hetro sex life is what I have. As an old (ok I am in my late 30's ;)) married woman, I have grown to be fufilled with a hetrosexual physical sex life and that is fine for me. I think many Bisexual people can seem less Bi, only because you do get sucked into that monogamy the way any couple that has been together for a long time. You can stop having outside fantasties about others of either sex, since you can be so involved with your partner. I go through phases of this. But on occassion I have sexual thoughts of women and realise yup, still bi. If I wasn't happily married and she wasn't happily married a friend and I already said we would hook up in a second. Meeting her actually brought back feelings for women that I had not had for years before. Maybe my sexuality is more tied to individuals then I thought.

On Topic, is it wrong to say I hope my kid is gay? I mean with the stats the way they are, I sure as hell, would like a gay child to grow up in our household, where neither my headship or I would care one way, then some bigots house, where they make them pray the gay away or kick them out. I would be more pissed if I got a jock, sheeple kid, then if we had a gay or trans child anyday. I actually debated going and adopting gay teens in my 20's, but we were not settled enough for any kids then, now I need a few years to be ready for any teens as toddlers are a handful. I hate that some parents can turn on their own kids so easily.

[MonkeyMomma]

On Topic, is it wrong to say I hope my kid is gay? I mean with the stats the way they are, I sure as hell, would like a gay child to grow up in our household, where neither my headship or I would care one way, then some bigots house, where they make them pray the gay away or kick them out. I would be more pissed if I got a jock, sheeple kid, then if we had a gay or trans child anyday. I actually debated going and adopting gay teens in my 20's, but we were not settled enough for any kids then, now I need a few years to be ready for any teens as toddlers are a handful. I hate that some parents can turn on their own kids so easily.

This, exactly. My spouse and I have decided that if there is a deity, and that deity sees fit to send a certain number of precious LGBT kids into this world, that some of them get sent to our family, where they will simply be safe, accepted, and loved.

[emmiedahl]

Ohhh, poor thing! Your kids might disrupt your fantasy of heteronormative bliss by daring to be who they are, how sad for you. Luckily for them, you will bravely soldier on through your disappointment, eventually. Shit, did you have kids solely so that they would validate you by doing exactly what you want them to? Are you that narcissistic?

What the fuck is with the invasion of the clueless lately? We've had an awful lot of posters who seem to think they're showing off what great people they are, not realizing that they are actually advertising their asshattery. /Gratuitous alliteration.

I admit, I would be worried about a child who is non-heteronormative, for the following reasons:

1. Bullying of non-heteronormative people in schools is at ridiculous levels.

2. Outside of schools, many people will still treat them like they are not normal or as wholesome. Even seemingly liberal people sometimes.

3. Because of certain religious points of view, they may sometimes wonder if God hates them.

4. If they meet someone and fall in love, whether they can marry depends on the voters. You know, the same people who think Santorum would make a fine president.

5. And many entities would like to see them unable to work with or adopt children. Again, the assumption that they are perverts and not as wholesome.

I know everyone has to go through struggles but that stuff ^^^^ is harsh. Who would wish that on a child? Or anyone?

If we lived in a just society, I would not give a flying fuck. Really, who cares who they have sex with? Why would that affect a parent-child relationship? And as a parent I hope my children never have to "come out" to me, because that means that at some point they were in the closet. I hope that they can be open about their sexuality and gender identification from the beginning and know that it is all good with their parents. But with gay teen suicide reaching an epidemic, I could not help but worry.

Frankly, life would be full of land mines, ones that I could not always help them navigate. As a protective parent, it is hard to comprehend not being able to fix the world for them.

[Guest Anonymous]

I admit, I would be worried about a child who is non-heteronormative, for the following reasons:

1. Bullying of non-heteronormative people in schools is at ridiculous levels.

2. Outside of schools, many people will still treat them like they are not normal or as wholesome. Even seemingly liberal people sometimes.

3. Because of certain religious points of view, they may sometimes wonder if God hates them.

4. If they meet someone and fall in love, whether they can marry depends on the voters. You know, the same people who think Santorum would make a fine president.

5. And many entities would like to see them unable to work with or adopt children. Again, the assumption that they are perverts and not as wholesome.

I know everyone has to go through struggles but that stuff ^^^^ is harsh. Who would wish that on a child? Or anyone?

If we lived in a just society, I would not give a flying fuck. Really, who cares who they have sex with? Why would that affect a parent-child relationship? And as a parent I hope my children never have to "come out" to me, because that means that at some point they were in the closet. I hope that they can be open about their sexuality and gender identification from the beginning and know that it is all good with their parents. But with gay teen suicide reaching an epidemic, I could not help but worry.

Frankly, life would be full of land mines, ones that I could not always help them navigate. As a protective parent, it is hard to comprehend not being able to fix the world for them.

emmie, I absolutely agree with all of this. The difference between what you wrote and what CustardTart wrote, is that your post is all about your concern for your child, and your worry for them concerning the struggles they might face. CustardTart's post is all about how butthurt she would be if her kid was gay.

[Esther]

I'm not side-stepping anything. As I previously said, I believe sexuality can and does change because I know people who have had that experience. I personally am not going to change my sexuality after 33 years of heterosexual marriage nor am I going to indulge your question as to how I could try to change into a homosexual. Would it be possible if I tried? Possibly, but we'll never know. Perhaps that's the answer you are looking for. Humans are very complex, psychologically, biologically and hormonally.

So when did you make the choice to be a heterosexual then???

[Rosa]

I consider myself Bi, for all it matters, I say that in the fact that unless my headship dies or I kick him out one day, after almost 20 years together, a hetro sex life is what I have. As an old (ok I am in my late 30's ;)) married woman, I have grown to be fufilled with a hetrosexual physical sex life and that is fine for me. I think many Bisexual people can seem less Bi, only because you do get sucked into that monogamy the way any couple that has been together for a long time. You can stop having outside fantasties about others of either sex, since you can be so involved with your partner. I go through phases of this. But on occassion I have sexual thoughts of women and realise yup, still bi. If I wasn't happily married and she wasn't happily married a friend and I already said we would hook up in a second. Meeting her actually brought back feelings for women that I had not had for years before. Maybe my sexuality is more tied to individuals then I thought.

Me too. And I have bi friends who become invisible the other direction, because they're in monogamous lesbian relationships.

[BlackHawk]

I admit, I would be worried about a child who is non-heteronormative, for the following reasons:

1. Bullying of non-heteronormative people in schools is at ridiculous levels.

2. Outside of schools, many people will still treat them like they are not normal or as wholesome. Even seemingly liberal people sometimes.

3. Because of certain religious points of view, they may sometimes wonder if God hates them.

4. If they meet someone and fall in love, whether they can marry depends on the voters. You know, the same people who think Santorum would make a fine president.

5. And many entities would like to see them unable to work with or adopt children. Again, the assumption that they are perverts and not as wholesome.

I know everyone has to go through struggles but that stuff ^^^^ is harsh. Who would wish that on a child? Or anyone?

If we lived in a just society, I would not give a flying fuck. Really, who cares who they have sex with? Why would that affect a parent-child relationship? And as a parent I hope my children never have to "come out" to me, because that means that at some point they were in the closet. I hope that they can be open about their sexuality and gender identification from the beginning and know that it is all good with their parents. But with gay teen suicide reaching an epidemic, I could not help but worry.

Frankly, life would be full of land mines, ones that I could not always help them navigate. As a protective parent, it is hard to comprehend not being able to fix the world for them.

I'm as queer as a 3dollar bill and I agree. It's not a fun life to be treated like a second class citizen the min someone finds out I'm gay. Okay.. well they probably know the min they meet me, so we'll use the Partner as a reference.

He hasn't come out at work. Not because he's ashamed of who he is (He's bi, but in a homo relationship), but because of lunch table conversations. He sits with a bunch of atheists who hold no moral ground in religion. YET he still listens to them gaybash, he still listens to them talk about gay people as if we were the scum of the earth. It's ingrained in their brains. He speaks up occasionally, but really, keeps his mouth shut. He watched this same group of people shun a trans-man (FtM) because he was "weird"... and this is the most liberal bunch he's ran in to! However, this is also a group of people who talk about how they have no issue if gay's wanna marry, raise children, whatever.

Society may tell you all is well, but in reality some people are dicks. That said, after we adopt, we plan to open our home to GLBT youth in the foster system. We hope that by giving them positive gay role models, we can help them navigate their life, stand up for who they are (even if it's done quietly), and make their lives better.

[Conuly]

I wonder if you are both describing pansexuality (pretty sure that is the word)? Where your attraction is based on factors other than gender, so much that gender is irrelevant/almost irrelevant?

That's... possible, I guess, though I think it's not well-enough-known that most people will use the term for themselves.

[CustardTart]

Don't tell me how to feel. If my child were gay, I wouldn't be happy. Don't get all fucking militant and tell me my own personal process is wrong. The title of this thread asked a question. Read my answer again, morons, and note that I was being honest for the sake of intelligent discussion, not militant teenage OMGs. Or should we all just be fucking clones here on this site and all join in with "Oh wow how can anyone even suggest I"D have a problem with my child being gay!!!!!"

Pathetic. Well, that's what I get for assuming there could be ational discussion. You're just as fanatical and narrow-minded on this topic as the fundies, but on the other side.

[valsa]

Boo hoo. I'd have more sympathy if you weren't planning on acting like a bitch to your kids if any of them turn out to be gay.

[CustardTart]

Boo hoo. I'd have more sympathy if you weren't planning on acting like a bitch to your kids if any of them turn out to be gay.

You know, this could have been a good discussion of people's feelings. I would not be a bitch to my kids if they told me they were gay. We all want acceptance. I want acceptance, too, as a mother who would need time to come to terms with her child being gay. With love and respect on both sides, we would go through the process and be a stronger family for it.

Just some advice, please try to be less narrow-minded when it comes to the feelings of others. Give them a chance before you go all militant on them. Otherwise you're just the same as the fundamentalists you snark here.

Peace.

[emmiedahl]

Don't tell me how to feel. If my child were gay, I wouldn't be happy. Don't get all fucking militant and tell me my own personal process is wrong. The title of this thread asked a question. Read my answer again, morons, and note that I was being honest for the sake of intelligent discussion, not militant teenage OMGs. Or should we all just be fucking clones here on this site and all join in with "Oh wow how can anyone even suggest I"D have a problem with my child being gay!!!!!"

Pathetic. Well, that's what I get for assuming there could be ational discussion. You're just as fanatical and narrow-minded on this topic as the fundies, but on the other side.

A lot of namecalling there.

I suspect that many people on this website have dealt with parents like you, or know other people who have. They know the pain and unhappiness inherent in hiding your sexuality from loved ones and then fearing their reaction when the family does find out. It must be really difficult, so of course there is anger when these people read that someone actually plans to treat their child that way.

Just something to consider.

[CustardTart]

so of course there is anger when these people read that someone actually plans to treat their child that way.

With all due respect, what way? I said I'd need time to process. I said we'd get through it with love and respect. maybe you're confusing me with another poster?

[valsa]

You know, this could have been a good discussion of people's feelings. I would not be a bitch to my kids if they told me they were gay. We all want acceptance. I want acceptance, too, as a mother who would need time to come to terms with her child being gay. With love and respect on both sides, we would go through the process and be a stronger family for it.

Just some advice, please try to be less narrow-minded when it comes to the feelings of others. Give them a chance before you go all militant on them. Otherwise you're just the same as the fundamentalists you snark here.

Peace.

For the millionth time, it's not intolerant to not put up with intolerance. And saying your kids don't love you if they can't understand why you won't immediately accept them is beyond intolerance. It's cruelty. Beyond that, what the hell is there to come to terms with? You said your children would have to give you time to "accept the loss of my own dreams and hopes for them i.e.having a traditional family" without ever explaining what hopes and dreams you think homosexuality automatically destroys. Marriage? Children? Because lots of gay people get married and/or have kids and lots of straight people don’t.

[ElphabaGalinda]

A lot of namecalling there.

I suspect that many people on this website have dealt with parents like you, or know other people who have. They know the pain and unhappiness inherent in hiding your sexuality from loved ones and then fearing their reaction when the family does find out. It must be really difficult, so of course there is anger when these people read that someone actually plans to treat their child that way.

Just something to consider.

Yes. I have dealt with parents like you. And for a gay child, that reaction is absolutely devastating. No matter what you mean by it, your children will always wonder if your love has conditions, and if they can ever be good enough for you. I do know the pain, and unhappiness, and fear of being a gay child with parents like you. You will likely cause that for your children if you insist on reacting that way. Why not prepare yourself that you might have a gay child now, so you don't have to have that reaction? I know you don't want to cause that for your child/children, and it doesn't seem like the unhappy reaction would be a permanent thing for you, so i think it's something you should really think about. That way you'd be prepared for anyone's child who feels safe enough to come out to you. I know how you currently describe your reaction I wouldn't feel safe enough. If your children knew that's how you'd react they'd hesitate in telling you, and i'd hope you don't want that. By not immediately accepting them, that tells them that there could possibly maybe be something about them that you'd be dissapointed in, regardless of your subsequent reaction.

[ElphabaGalinda]

With all due respect, what way? I said I'd need time to process. I said we'd get through it with love and respect. maybe you're confusing me with another poster?

Any parent that can't say of COURSE it makes no difference to how I feel about you is doing something harmful to their child. And it seems like you wouldn't be able to say that. What exactly do you need time to process if you can be a parent who can say that?

[emmiedahl]

Custard Tart, that way= saying that you need time to get over your own hopes and dreams for them. Like that is more important than unconditional acceptance of the way God made them. Like you would be upset and disappointed, like your child's innermost being is an interference with your own plans.

Maybe you should expand your hopes and dreams for your children. A gay child can have a marriage and give you plenty of grandbabies to spoil if we fight for those basic rights to be extended to all people. And if the child is straight, maybe they are not meant for marriage and family. Surely you just want them to be happy and successful and good people? Right?

Not to be overly personal, but I have a child who sets off my gaydar on a daily basis. I have to put aside my fears about what the world may do to that child because I worry that the child will pick up on that negative vibe and think it is about them and not our society. Instead of worrying, I have gotten militant about demanding acceptance and civil rights so all the children who are gay will have a better world when they are adults. So maybe I just have thought this out more than other parents. From that perspective, it makes me ill to think that a child's sexuality would be a disappointment to their parents.

[julie paradox]

I suspect that that sentence is screaming "make me a GRANDMOTHER!"

And yes, I know it's not as simple as that; but some of the processes through which gay people might have children are not what a lot of people mean when they say they Want Grandchildren (just as some people who want children don't want to adopt).

I sort of get what CT is saying about needing time to come to terms with the situation. However, I don't see why her children should even have to know about that. My own inner life and personal trauma is completely unknown to my children, even when it's about them.

[valsa]

Give them a chance before you go all militant on them

Forgot to add to my last post- using "militant" when discussing homosexuality, much like using "angry" when discussing women's rights, is just a buzz word tactic to silence people who are saying things you don't like.