Dillards 71: YAAAAAY

[Coconut Flan]

It might not be contentious at all.  If the Dillards have as little in assets as many here have assumed, all they'd be battling is custody and Derick might not want much of that.  It's sometimes astounding what people will give up just to escape.  

[Flossie]

I agree.  They have very little to fight over except for the kids, and I think Derick would be fine with visitation.  He might even be one of those asses who seldom visits but is happy to complain to others that he can't see his kids as much as he'd like.  Or he'd pick up the kids and then hang out at his mothers place, fully expecting her to take care of them while he watched ebil TV.

Jill would move back home and immediately turn the kids over to Jana.  Jana has too much free time, anyway.  Meanwhile Jill and her parents would craft a story line for her to play so she could get back on the show, and her parents could have more air time talking about how devastated she is over her no-good husband abandoning her and how they're stepping up to ease her burden

[Four is Enough]

Oh and they'll find an EVEN GODLIER man puppet for them to manipulate and all will be well with Jill, who will never leave the TTH again. It's too worldly out there.

[Beermeet]

When the molestation came out, Jill and Jessa were so freshly married and Jill with a baby, Jessa pregnant, I can't help thinking that Dwreck was not so supportive.  I'm not convinced he was able to help his wife though that.  He married a Duggar girl and was sold the dream.  It doesn't make Jill any less of a good wife but, did Dwreck see it that way? Or, did he just get pissy and start shit with his in-laws and act out publicly.  Ben seems like he definitely would be a loving husband in such matters.  That episode where he looked ready to kick a few asses right before Joshgate dropped says a lot about his character to me.  He kept quiet for his wife's sake, imo.  That is an appropriate response to learning your wife was molested by her brother and JimBob failing to stop it fast.  I can picture Ben and Jessa talking about it with Ben being totally supportive of his wife.  Derick, not so much.  Jill really needs proper counseling . She's been through a lot in a short amount of time and her husband is an asshole.  You know it's bad when a bottle of chocolate milk your husband brought you is post worthy.  

[LegHumperBibleThumper]

1 hour ago, Beermeet said:

When the molestation came out, Jill and Jessa were so freshly married and Jill with a baby, Jessa pregnant, I can't help thinking that Dwreck was not so supportive.  I'm not convinced he was able to help his wife though that.  He married a Duggar girl and was sold the dream.  It doesn't make Jill any less of a good wife but, did Dwreck see it that way? Or, did he just get pissy and start shit with his in-laws and act out publicly.  Ben seems like he definitely would be a loving husband in such matters.  That episode where he looked ready to kick a few asses right before Joshgate dropped says a lot about his character to me.  He kept quiet for his wife's sake, imo.  That is an appropriate response to learning your wife was molested by her brother and JimBob failing to stop it fast.  I can picture Ben and Jessa talking about it with Ben being totally supportive of his wife.  Derick, not so much.  Jill really needs proper counseling . She's been through a lot in a short amount of time and her husband is an asshole.  You know it's bad when a bottle of chocolate milk your husband brought you is post worthy.  

I also wonder if Dwreck even knew about the molestation before they were married. They barely knew each other and had very little opportunity for private conversation where they could discuss such things in an open way. It almost makes me wonder if he might feel she was tainted in some way and that he was unable to consciously agree to marrying her with that knowledge 

[anjulibai]

A divorce would be contentious not because of splitting assets or determining custody, but over child and spousal support. JB would try to get as much out of Derick as possible, while I'm sure Derick will argue that Jill can go back to work and support herself, so he shouldn't have to pay that much. It would be a mess from that angle. 

[Beermeet]

I would normally say that *disclosing * something like that is NOT necessary to a future husband.  It is not required.  I feel the same applies to the Duggar girls affected by Josh's horrible actions.  However,  they approach sexuality and sexual abuse in such a crazy unhealthy way that I'm afraid it would matter and be seen as required information to someone like Drweck.  I'm also thinking and have thought from the beginning that he didn't know and that is part of why he acts out against her family so publicly.  Which is a terrible thing to do to his wife. Not helping asshole!  Complete opposite of what a spouse can do to support the other if and when childhood molestation comes to light, imo.

[Coconut Flan]

4 minutes ago, anjulibai said:

A divorce would be contentious not because of splitting assets or determining custody, but over child and spousal support. JB would try to get as much out of Derick as possible, while I'm sure Derick will argue that Jill can go back to work and support herself, so he shouldn't have to pay that much. It would be a mess from that angle. 

Those aren't terribly contentious unless someone is trying to hide income.  They're computed by a formula and would be over and done in one court hearing.  Now could Jim Bob sneak Jill money under the table, sure, but then he wouldn't be the one flaunting that.  They could both make allegations and then the judge would rule.  

[TheOneAndOnly]

36 minutes ago, LegHumperBibleThumper said:

I also wonder if Dwreck even knew about the molestation before they were married. They barely knew each other and had very little opportunity for private conversation where they could discuss such things in an open way. It almost makes me wonder if he might feel she was tainted in some way and that he was unable to consciously agree to marrying her with that knowledge 

I wondered about that too, since the boys in the cult are taught that girls who have been touched at all are "dirty" and less than.

[acheronbeach]

IMO, there's a lot of baseless -and a bit unfair - speculating about what Derick thinks of Jill after Joshgate.  

Whether fundie or not, a lot of men would be totally unequipped to support their spouse through that - having their childhood incestuous sex abuse, your parents' complicity, all you thought buried - dug up and discussed on international media? 

I can only imagine how poor Jill handled that and perhaps changed.  And even if Derick tried to he supportive, he's not the most sympathetic guy.  It must've been a terrible blow to their relationship.  

[nokidsmom]

3 minutes ago, acheronbeach said:

Whether fundie or not, a lot of men would be totally unequipped to support their spouse through that - having their childhood incestuous sex abuse, your parents' complicity, all you thought buried - dug up and discussed on international media? 

This would be a lot to deal with outside of how it affected Jill.   It's a pretty shocking thing by itself to learn what your brother-in-law did to your wife plus how his wife's parents screwed it up and they were probably still making excuses for the perpetrator in their midst. 

[AliceInFundyland]

@StraightOuttaArkansas Wow. I admire your dedication! How many creamed casseroles did you consume in the process  ?

[HerNameIsBuffy]

12 minutes ago, nokidsmom said:

This would be a lot to deal with outside of how it affected Jill.   It's a pretty shocking thing by itself to learn what your brother-in-law did to your wife plus how his wife's parents screwed it up and they were probably still making excuses for the perpetrator in their midst. 

Yes.  and no one is shunning the sexual predator in their midst.

Not everyone would be able to go to an ugly sweater party with the one who molested your spouse acting as if nothing happened.  I wouldn't.

not excusing Derek for his hateful beliefs, and idk how he feels about this... but the family situation is such a complex clusterfuck it's impossible to know how to navigate properly even when you're in it.

I admit I have extreme and volatile responses to this due to a very similar situation that happened to my mom so I've got my own issues.

 

[nokidsmom]

5 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Yes.  and no one is shunning the sexual predator in their midst.

Not everyone would be able to go to an ugly sweater party with the one who molested your spouse acting as if nothing happened.  I wouldn't.

not excusing Derek for his hateful beliefs, and idk how he feels about this... but the family situation is such a complex clusterfuck it's impossible to know how to navigate properly even when you're in it.

I admit I have extreme and volatile responses to this due to a very similar situation that happened to my mom so I've got my own issues.

@HerNameIsBuffy I am sorry for what happened to your mom.

I, for one, think that Derek never thought in a million years that he would find himself dealing with this messed up family situation.  Not excusing his behaviors on a lot of stuff but I would think finding out what happened to Jill would just blow his mind.   All from the wholesome, Christian family, he bought into that facade.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

8 minutes ago, nokidsmom said:

All from the wholesome, Christian family, he bought into that facade.

trust me, you can buy into the façade even when you're born into it.

some families are very good at secrets and denial.  and the collateral damage when it finally explodes is massive.

[Bad Wolf]

Even if Derick knew, neither one of them was prepared for it to be made public knowledge. Having to go on television and down play it as no big deal, and it happens all the time, and we've forgiven him had to be horrible. So much could have been avoided if they'd for counseling when it happened, or failing that, counseling when it hit the tabloids. Now they just have a mess.

We just got 4" of snow. Yay.

[BachelorToTheRapture]

5 hours ago, Beermeet said:

I would normally say that *disclosing * something like that is NOT necessary to a future husband.  It is not required.  I feel the same applies to the Duggar girls affected by Josh's horrible actions.  However,  they approach sexuality and sexual abuse in such a crazy unhealthy way that I'm afraid it would matter and be seen as required information to someone like Drweck.  I'm also thinking and have thought from the beginning that he didn't know and that is part of why he acts out against her family so publicly.  Which is a terrible thing to do to his wife. Not helping asshole!  Complete opposite of what a spouse can do to support the other if and when childhood molestation comes to light, imo.

While it's absolutely not necessary, I think that a level of disclosure, even if it's just "I have some trauma in past, I only talk about it to my psychologist" is good for a relationship. If it affects your (general you) behavior and you're with someone decent it should help them to be more understanding and patient with the hang ups you may have or help encourage you to seek therapy, etc.

I hope I'm getting the point I want across here, I feel like my words aren't making a ton of sense (early stages of migraine over here).

[PennySycamore]

@BachelorToTheRapture, your point came across just fine!  I hope your migraine goes away soon.  They fucking suck!

[SillyDillys]

3 minutes ago, PennySycamore said:

@BachelorToTheRapture, your point came across just fine!  I hope your migraine goes away soon.  They fucking suck!

Fellow migraine sufferer over here! They are horrible! I inherited the menstrual migraines from my mother and grandmother. Every month like clockwork, come to think of it I'm due to get one in a few days ? feel better!

[BachelorToTheRapture]

15 minutes ago, PennySycamore said:

@BachelorToTheRapture, your point came across just fine!  I hope your migraine goes away soon.  They fucking suck!

Thanks! It's the fairly early stages, so it'll likely be gone by morning if I can get decent sleep tonight 

[PainfullyAware]

Derick seems to me like a zealot so I also don't think he would divorce Jill in a gazillion years (and vice versa). If it got really really bad, maybe he'd have to go on a permanent missioncation or law articling position on the other side of the country... or the planet. Jill would have to stay in Arkansas for "health reasons", or for the kids, or something. They'll never admit defeat. I don't think they could be that honest with themselves.

But I do have sympathy with how much of a mindfuck the events during the first couple of years their marriage were. This is what no coping skills look like, I guess. Thanks partly to fundamentalist brainwashing and partly to just having a disagreeable personality.

 

[Kittikatz]

I am also thinking that DWreck was caught flat footed by the Joshgate scandals, and that some of his behaviour is related to how he/they have processed (or not processed) Josh's actions coming to light in such a spectacularly public way. 

Migraine sufferer here. They suck. Mine are related to barometric pressure changes. Since I live in a place where the weather won't stay still, I was getting migraines almost daily. The doctor put me on beta blockers to try to manage my PTSD, and while I'm not convinced that they are doing much for that issue, these pills have had the unexpected side effect of subduing my migraines. Since I've started on them I only get hit when the air pressure does a particularly bad shift. It was almost worth descending into hell to find something that can help me with those. Apparently, these meds work for people with a variety of migraines. To anyone here who is afflicted, it may be worth researching it and maybe discussing this option with your doctor.

[StraightOuttaArkansas]

@Alice in Fundieland By proxy? So many from those posts and the recipe contest that I think I gained all the baby weight back. In reality I did actually have one (on accident) a "Nacho Pot Pie". Coincidentally it was while reading the calculation of salt in the one dish Jilly posted and the contest. I think I had a winner . I love salt and even I was like, no we cannot eat this ever again.

On topic: I can't remember if this has been suggested, but may this how law school thing be an attempt from Dwreck to intimidate JB during the divorce? I don't think it would work, but I could see it from his point of view, "JB is not as educated, toss some fancy law words at him, make him think he won't get anything out of me and I dump this whole mess". I am on the fence. I also totally could see it going as @PainfullyAware has suggested too. This is almost interesting enough to be it's own reality show, better than the dentist.

[PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea]

Ain't no way these ppl are getting a divorce. They have a covenant marriage and are holier than all of us. If they struggle, their crappy marriage will be their ministry.

[VelociRapture]

38 minutes ago, PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea said:

Ain't no way these ppl are getting a divorce. They have a covenant marriage and are holier than all of us. If they struggle, their crappy marriage will be their ministry.

Someone else pointed out that the covenant marriage is only a problem if they both stay in Arkansas or one if the two other states that have covenant marriages. If one of them chose to move to another state - say, Oklahoma - then they could establish residency and file there instead. I think the beliefs they may hold regarding marriage could prove to be a much bigger obstacle. 

That’s assuming that they’re honestly as unhappy as people here think they are though. I’m not convinced that’s the case. To quote his mom, a lot of assumptions have been made here about Derick being crappy to Jill for all kinda of reasons and we really have no clue of any of it is true or not. For all we know, Derick was always a crappy human being who would have shirked responsibility as long as possible regardless of who he married and none of his behavior is linked to his supposed hatred and resentment of Jill, their boys, or her parents.