John Shrader 15: Welcome to Poisonwood, Caleb

[formergothardite]

This is a rather amazing spin on things. He is basically admitting that he has spent years converting no one, but is saying this is a sign he is more spiritual and right with God than the missionaries who are succeeding. He has set it up where failure to get converts is actually a sign of a successful missionary. 

10 hours ago, EyesOpen said:

John writes like a 9th grade girl

But it is the most important poems he has ever penned!

[EyesOpen]

23 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

This is a rather amazing spin on things. He is basically admitting that he has spent years converting no one, but is saying this is a sign he is more spiritual and right with God than the missionaries who are succeeding. He has set it up where failure to get converts is actually a sign of a successful missionary. 

But it is the most important poems he has ever penned!

It infuriates me how important he thinks he is!!

[Howl]

Quote

To read what they're posting on forums

We're not be the only people to snark on John!  Is he discussed on missionary or religious forums? I cannot even imagine what masochistic impulse would drive him to read here. 

It sounds as though contributors want to see actual results of some kind, any kind.   Imagine that! 

John's pomes do not indicate a man in good mental health.  I think the highs and lows are getting close enough that he's on a depressed high.  I really do hope he doesn't go around the bend, because he's the father of a bazillion children.  I honestly can't keep count. 

[Gobsmacked]

His father needs to bring him home. ASAP.

[Granwych]

21 hours ago, formergothardite said:

Yes skinny jeans and stools, with a sweater is a look

Stools?  Does he mean the seats or the poops??

30 minutes ago, Gobsmacked said:

His father needs to bring him home. ASAP.

I just might donate to that!!

[Gimme a Free RV]

27 minutes ago, Granwych said:

Stools?  Does he mean the seats or the poops??

I am laughing so hard right now because my mind immediately went to the same place!

Man, he REALLY hates modern worship scenarios, doesn't he?  If someone wanted to really torture him, (other than taking away his grifted spending money and broken airplane), they would force him to attend a mega church modern worship service with drums, guitars, no coats and ties, no traditional hymns, and the sermon being preached from a modern Bible translation.  Throw in a prayer and/or music led by a woman and John would have to go to bed and suck his thumb for months.

[CTRLZero]

John should be reflecting on his glorious successes rather than his minor failures.  I've started a list of a few things off the top of my head:

shared well water

raised chickens

immediately assisted an individual in need get to the hospital

instituted a successful bible college

directed a play complete with sheep

acquired a functioning airplane

became a biblical bush pilot

gained the admiration of the local community

Hmmm, I'm running out of ideas, so here's a poem:

John's faith towered high as a steeple

In two years he converted some sheeple

Who then ran away

To his eternal dismay

He then took to bed and wrote worse pomes than this.

 

[Georgiana]

Quote

One can easily get "professions," those are easy to obtain

Oh good.  So, no problems then.  You can just come home from Zambia and GET A JOB, JOHN.  

[Evangeline]

So I suppose John is the only one qualified to determine who's a true convert and who's just there for the stools and skinny jeans. Hey, there's a nice alliterative thread title for ya! John not only fails to understand the Zambian culture, I don't even think he truly understands the gospel. He apparently believes that the fact that people still sin after their encounter with the great John Schrader means they don't know Jesus. Which is typical IFB, but still  ridiculous. You'd think by now he might have met a few genuine Christians who happen to do things a little differently, but nope. All he sees is whether or not people follow him and his rules. I truly hope he leaves Zambia soon. What an utter waste of time, money, and opportunity to connect with other believers. As a Christian, I find it equal parts sad and infuriating. 

[Inky]

How can his supporting church not figure this out! If I were supporting someone, a missionary, through my church you can bet I'd be online reading their blogs, newsletters etc, just to see what they were up to and how wonderfully they were using their gifts. (That's "gifts" not "grifts" LOL)

[formergothardite]

He wrote another poem. This one is about people not reading their Bible and instead reading Facebook. It isn't like John spends any time on FB. 

[Gobsmacked]

There once was a missionary named John

who awoke to find his sheeple all gone

oh dear! Oh dear! O mercy!  He said

then thought "ah buggar it"and went back to bed.

 

[Georgiana]

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

Illegally in Zamb'ya?

 

[Lillymuffin]

10 minutes ago, Georgiana said:

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

Illegally in Zamb'ya?

 

That’s going to be running through my head all night now!

[LimeKitty]

16 minutes ago, Lillymuffin said:

That’s going to be running through my head all night now!

Same here. In my head, I'm also seeing Dwight Schrute singing it while he fake drives a booze cruise boat.

[Gobsmacked]

26 minutes ago, Georgiana said:

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

What shall we do with a useless Schrader,

Illegally in Zamb'ya?

 

Put him in a small airplane  

put him in a small airplane

put him in a small airplane

and fly him far away.

 

[Jellybean]

Put him on a holy, sacred juice fast
Put him on a holy, sacred juice fast
Put him on a holy, sacred juice fast
(until he needs a burger)

Chorus
Hooray and hallelujah
Hooray and hallelujah
Hooray and hallelujah
Zambia and onwards!

Change his Facebook settings to be Best Friends Only
Change his Facebook settings to be Best Friends Only
Change his Facebook settings to be Best Friends Only
No more heathen viewers!

[Gimme a Free RV]

Keep Esther good and knocked up

Keep Esther good and knocked up

Keep Esther good and knocked up

Pretentious, poet pastor!

[Granwych]

You all are just too creative here!!

[Gobsmacked]

One,two, three, four, five children

six,seven,eight,nine,ten children 

Add one more, that's eleventy children

surely they will stop now?

(followed by Jellybean's chorus)

[Georgiana]

1 hour ago, LimeKitty said:

Same here. In my head, I'm also seeing Dwight Schrute singing it while he fake drives a booze cruise boat.

Dwight's delusional seriousness while fake-captaining a booze cruise lake tour is similar on WAY too many levels to John's delusional seriousness while fake-pastoring a "mission" in Zambia. Much like the real captain of the Booze Cruise put Dwight at the fake wheel to get him out of his hair, so too did Pa Schrader deal with the annoying problem of his son by sending off on a fake mission.  

[Jellybean]

:still singing: (sorry)

Make him read the Bible in the ‘wrong’ translation

Make him fix the chaos of his own creation

Make him grovel down in awe of his host nation

And NO alliteration!

[Carol]

This is probably the most important pome I've ever written.

 

Send him back to Wherever Texas

Get his wife to start selling Plexus

So he can sit on his big fat ass-as

I've had two glass-es

Of wine for the State of the Union Address-es

 

Please disregard this message.

 

 

 

 

[Granwych]

Bravo, bravo to all the FJ poet laureates!

[squiddysquid]

So does that mean John is in jail now?

No photo updates of his newborn (missing out in major grifting potential).

Actually is there a photo of John and the baby? Or just Esther and the kids

He said weeks ago that he did contact the authorities and everything will be fine now. That was before New Year IIRC.

If that was the case he'd brag about it. But no nothing, not even payer requests or send me money pleas.