Post-Rapture Introductions

[Soldier of the One]

Welcome JesusFightClub!

I'm fairly new myself but thought I'd say hi. What kind of 'Communism' or lefty politics are you involved with?

I like your handle. I am just thinking lots and lots of tubs of fat being turned into soap... :)

[thoughtful]

Welcome -- love the handle!

[JesusFightClub]

Soldier of the One, I really like your nick too (and your avatar!) Thank you for the welcome :)

Lefty politics: I'm mostly active in my trade union as well as community activism. I'm a Trotskyist and belong to a political party but they wouldn't thank me for saying which one ;) Generally if it's a left cause you can get me along to it, especially if you offer beer...

[JesusFightClub]

Thank you, thoughtful! I wish I could remember which poster used it...was it you?

[Guest Anonymous]

Welcome, and may the snark be with you!

[JesusFightClub]

Thank you, Snarkyjan! I hope it will be :) If not I can get inspired by the rest of you!

[Kathryn31]

Wow Communism. I can't imagine supporting that view especially after seeing dh pictures when he visited the Soviet Union and reading his journals about life there.

[JesusFightClub]

Hello Kathryn! It's complex, but I'm not "that kind" of communist. There are a few different types.

[i enjoy discussing politics at great (and pedantic) length and will be happy to answer any questions or explain further. But I think it might go in "Chatter" and not here? ]

I mostly mentioned it because it's my main frame of reference for understanding fervent religion. Even people like Vision Forum types have an equal kind of person on the political side. It's how being a "true believer" makes sense to me, but I decided it would be a bit weird if I used the analogy without explaining why I know. I appreciate it is somewhat of a provocative statement to Americans but no insult was intended.

[thoughtful]

Thank you, thoughtful! I wish I could remember which poster used it...was it you?

Nope.

It does make me think of one of our Fundies saying "The first rule of Jesus Fight Club is that you do not talk about Jesus Fight Club. The second rule of Jesus Fight Club is that you do not talk about Jesus Fight Club."

However, most of them are very bad at keeping silent. They go on, and on, and on . . .

:roll:

[JesusFightClub]

You are so right.

One of the most confusing thing about fundies is their absolute obsession on certain topics. Like, is there a law somewhere which says every female fundie blogger has to post at least once about how wearing trousers made them feel masculine and rebellious and they have now given their sinful trouser centric desires over to God and are modestly clad in skirts?

Honestly I did the religion thing and altough many strange issues seemed to worry our religious leaders, pretty much none of them involved trousers on women. What you did with what's inside the trousers, yes. The fact you had trousers on in the first place, no. :shifty:

[lawfulevil]

Well, I can't for the life of me find the intro thread, maybe it's the limoncello talking to me (I'm gonna let it). So just to let y'all know that you don't have to rent a carpet steamer, I suppose I'll give something in the nature of an introduction.

I was raised some entertaining cross-breed between fundie/poorly understood Jewishness and snobby-as-hell lower-upper-class Episcopalian, the eldest of four children. The youngest two have autism, neither spoke until 6 and the youngest will as far as anyone can tell (she is in her late teens) never be a fully functional adult. The next-youngest is... well, he's strange, but he may yet figure it out, he's very bright and good at math. I was a clever kid (I could read short books at 4 but I think I was mostly bored). It led to a certain amount of thinking for myself, which my mother tried to beat out of me from the time I was a toddler. I have a particular hatred of wicker chairs as an adult from being forced to sit in the "time-out" chair for five or six hours at a time at 4 years old. Actually, I have some pretty interesting phobias, all of which come down to my early childhood... the hardest to deal with in everyday life is emetophobia. My parents wanted more children than four but were not "blessed", mother found ways to blame me for her miscarriages. I have fascinating scars and in one case what is (I'm sure) the very cutting-edge of piercing.

My parents are (fifth) cousins... not for religious reasons, snobbier reasons.

When my father checked me into the hospital for a suicide attempt and anorexia, my mother was still calling me fat. I was 5'9" and 120 pounds soaking wet. My mother's idea of celebrating a birthday was very Roman of her really... she'd lean in as I tried to blow out the candles on my cake, tears always streaming down my face, and whisper to me that I was one year closer to scrubbing other people's toilets for a living. I got kicked out for muttering that Merry Maids requires a driver's license.

Mother first tried to arrange my marriage when I was twelve years old, to a boy who was quite coincidentally my first crush... (she wouldn't have known, any possible detail she could get about me, she tormented me with from the time I was small. I can't remember ever keeping a diary, the penalties were too horrible. My mother taunts like a middle-school girl but with decades of experience.) My crush/"intended" eventually told me he loved me, then said he never had. I haven't seen or spoken to him in eight years but he turns up in my dreams fairly regularly. So does Mother. I haven't seen her in five years.

I was not permitted to have friends, call anyone on the telephone, use the internet except for schoolwork, or sleep except from 11 pm to 6 am as a child. Most of my childhood was spent working, usually on things mother didn't feel like doing herself. Mother threw me out in 2003, every time I went backed I collected pictures of the mess for evidence in case I ever need to sue for custody of my youngest sibling. Mother hasn't had a job of any description in 27 years and mostly plays Neopets all day. She fancies herself a martyr to my youngest sister's condition. The 5500 square foot house looks exactly like you'd expect, maybe worse. When they threw me out I had three pairs of underwear, I didn't know what a strip club was, and I'd never written a check or had more than fifty dollars. I didn't have phone access (not even a landline) or any friends within 300 miles. I was a virgin. My brief stab at college went about as well as you'd think. I ended up drifting from one walk-in closet to another holding down terrible jobs at which I averaged $3/hour. I married my ex-husband out of desperation and things got worse. I divorced him and they got even worse. I'd provide details but... they're ugly.

I never had any faith but if I had, I don't think it'd be intact.

These days... I can barely go outside (sometimes just going to get the mail causes anxiety attacks so bad I throw up in the bushes, and again, emetophobe). I'm bumbling along hoping someday I'll find a county/state/something program that'll change something, but I haven't much hope left. So here we are. I have two friends in the world- my childhood best friend, who ducked my psychotic mother and stuck with me through this decade of pain... and Mr. Lawful. Otherwise, I am alone. She says it'll get better and all I can really do is believe her. Mr. Lawful and I are not married, he's very commitment-phobic, but I suspect only about me.

On the bright side, I look at my blood relatives and I don't want to be them. All the shit I've gone through has made me someone different than I "ought" to be, and I'm glad of it. I'd rather die than be them. I actually give a shit about other people and I don't want to change that.

[lawfulevil]

Sorry to anyone reading, I'm trying to obscure identifying details.

[luckylibrarian]

I'm speechless. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I hope that you can find more people to love and support (and commit) to you. How old are your siblings? Are they treated the same way?

[browngrl]

((hugs)) and welcome to FJ

[Antigone]

No problem on the vagueness. I have that need myself as well, so I just stay as generic as possible. The Net can be a dangerous place if you're not careful, but very fun too ;)

SORRY to hear about your story :( I'm pretty sure everyone has their own story (not all bad, not all good, just their own) and I am glad you managed to get out of a toxic home environment, and you are willing to help your siblings. Many people with disabilities in that kind of .... upbringing/environment/religion/WHATEVER usually do not turn out too well and usually are unable to function in "the real world' IF they ever make it out of the home/away from the parents. :angry-soapbox:

I have my own share of issues as well as anybody else, lol. I hope you get more support for yourself as well as your siblings, and I am glad you found someone to support you in your time of need (LuckyLibrarian said it all for me, didn't want to be repetitive, ha). Glad you found our little niche on the web, it's a great place and I hope it at least helps you feel less alone out there :)

WELCOME. :clap:

[Deleted02]

((HUGS)) Welcome! I'm so sorry that happened to you but I'm glad you escaped.

[Brainsample]

For as often as I am around, welcome and we are glad you're here.

I'm sorry that you've suffered so much. If I had a magic wand, I'd take away all the trouble but would give you the benefit of all you'd learned in the process of what you've endured.

I can tell you that there is much life on the other side of where you are. If you had the courage and valor to post this honest and transparent stuff about yourself here online, you have all of the strength that you need to work through where you are. There is much you can do. People here will encourage you until you can believe in yourself and find that encouragement from within.

Everyone must find their own way, and I hope that you will find hope in what I went through, because I found several things that helped me tremendously. It was not that long ago that I had similar problems. Everyone is different, and I post this here to give you hope and confidence -- to let you know that you are not alone in what you describe.

After the last time I saw my mother and had a really verbally brutal conflict, I tried for a year to work it out over the phone. After that full year, I'd refused to pick up the phone after a particularly bad conversation. I would scratch my skin open and would bite my cuticles down until they bled after talking to my parents. At the very least, I ought to be able not to hurt myself or contemplate suicide, right?

My parents got mad and, because we're not within comfortable driving distance, they called the police on the seventh day of my refusal to pick up the phone (the day I'd planned to call them). My mother told them she thought we'd been abducted. ??? It flipped both my husband and I out (they pounded on the door at 6AM on a Sunday). Long story short, that is the day my parents essentially told me over the phone to have a nice life because I asked to only speak to them no more than twice a month -- with four subjects off limits until I felt better.

Soon thereafter, it took me almost 18 months for me to tolerate the phone ringing at all, and that was after I bought a new phone with a different ringtone. I would shake when the phone would ring, and I would just about come out of my skin when anyone ever knocked on the door. I went for six months without setting foot out of our apartment, save for one appointment. I didn't even walk the 50 ft to the dumpster to take out trash.

All that said -- I tried antidepressants and a ton of talk therapy, and they were largely ineffective. BUT -

Self-hypnosis (with scripts that I wrote and recorded myself) taught me how to self-soothe, something I never really learned before or as well/effectively.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was the only thing that helped me clear and arrest the PTSD response in my brain. In fact, my biggest problem now involves learning motivation that is not based in panic and anxiety. For the most part, I just don't have it anymore. At least I don't have it as my set point anymore.

EMDR.com has a provider referral database and lots of research posted there, and there are some videos on YouTube. One study shows that with uncomplicated depression only, EMDR for 12 weeks showed a 70& CURE of depression (with no drugs). Meds alone and therapy alone in comparsion could only reduce symptoms by 30-40%, and the symptoms came back after the study (after checking back in 6 months). For adults who had previous trauma or parenting issues, only 30% of people had their symptoms resolve. So for kids from seriously dysfunctional families (all are dysfunctional!), we just have to work at it for a little longer than 12 weeks, the length of the study.

Van der Kolk's studies (trauma expert) have also shown that Yoga in particular or any other "mindfulness" exercise helps process out trauma, too. (For those interested, it activates the medial prefrontal cortex in the brain by causing you to think about how your body feels, and that causes a natural and spontaneous soothing of the basal ganglia which is primarily responsible for the anxiety symptoms. This is verified by SPECT scanning of the brain.)

There are ways to get out of where you are and lots of people here and elsewhere that can encourage you. If you had the great courage to post here and be so candid, you can get out of this bad place in life. Absolutely and no doubts. You can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. I'd love to see you work through everything even better and quicker than I did!

Please stick around. Many here have endured similar things, and we can lend you our strength to lean on until you dig down through the junk to find your own. It is there, just hidden.

[Brainsample]

These days... I can barely go outside (sometimes just going to get the mail causes anxiety attacks so bad I throw up in the bushes, and again, emetophobe). I'm bumbling along hoping someday I'll find a county/state/something program that'll change something, but I haven't much hope left. So here we are. I have two friends in the world- my childhood best friend, who ducked my psychotic mother and stuck with me through this decade of pain... and Mr. Lawful. Otherwise, I am alone. She says it'll get better and all I can really do is believe her. Mr. Lawful and I are not married, he's very commitment-phobic, but I suspect only about me.

Stopping back to check in, I found myself thinking about you saying that you are alone. I find myself saying that, too, usually when I am thinking about my decision to set limits with my family and how that has resulted in rejection. Mr. Lawful sounds like a good man who I've heard are hard to find. And you are not alone here. It's not like having a best friend down the street in flesh and blood, but it's not entirely alone. And I was thinking about how glad I was that you reached out. You have great courage.

{{{hugs}}}

[ladypuglover]

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry but so very glad you found us here. Welcome! Also feel free to vent to purge yourself of the posion of your childhood/mother. We all have wide shoulders, open ears and hearts and everyone here is an expert of giving warm hugs. I'm so glad you made it here.

[camdendayton]

I am going to post my intro here too, but first, I really feel for you, lawfulevil. I didn't go through anything near what you did, but nonetheless I feel I can relate.

My mom came from a very immeshed grandmother-mother-daughter relationship and passed that on to me. She was spiritually and emotionally abusive (mostly emotionally) which manifested itself most notably in her isolating me from my father throughout most of my life (he lived with us the majority of my childhood, only sporadically in and out of the house until shortly after my 16th birthday when he left for good) and parentalizing me after her mothers' death when I was 13. Even before that she treated me as though I were an adult which caused me to feel very isolated from my peers.

This led to ongoing depression since my adolescence, anxiety caused largely by perfectionism and hyper-vigilance, a marriage when I was 19 which became emotionally abusive, near indoctrination into a cult that my “rescuer†from this relationship belonged to, and a lot of self medicating, first through cutting, then substances, and a million other smaller things along the way. In spite of this I was very high functioning in nearly all areas of outward accomplishment. I was in the gifted-and-talented program in middle school, received a swimming scholarship to a well respected college and earned a degree in math. But things have slowly been coming apart, especially since I was attacked outside my home about 2 years ago by what I believe to have been a psychotic drug user. Since then I have been in a depression-anxiety spiral that has led to me being out of work for a full year for the first time since I was 13. Luckily I have found a boyfriend who is truly kind, patient and supportive that is helping me get through this.

I discovered fundamentalist Christianity through my long running fascination with large families and a renewed interest in religion brought on by the changes I've seen in my dad since he left my mom and started reading the bible. I consider myself a hardcore agnostic. I have no interest in debating whether or not there is a god, how that god might manifest itself and what might please it. I AM interested in how religious beliefs manifest in peoples' lives. I believe people should do what works for them in their lives. I am very skeptical and can come off quite callous, but I am very emphatic and not one to judge. I know I have done many things I am not proud of, as have many others, and it is usually do to their own past traumas or abuse. I do however believe strongly in science and freedom of thought and am deeply disturbed by religulous tendencies to suppress these two things that I hold dear.

[jockosmom]

Hi everyone - been lurking for a little while now and decided to come out of the closet :) I've been fascinated by the Duggars since they first hit the airwaves. Watched the first season avidly; the second season a little less so, and the third season not much, except for little Michael's birth. I guess I've lived a rather sheltered life; I thought when i first watched the Duggars that they were just some individual family with this choice to have a giant family; conservative religious agenda, etc. I had no idea or clue about Quiverfull, Bill Gothard, Vision Forum, and all these other organized fundie outfits. Doing a little investigating on the Internet led me to this site and others and boy, am I getting an education!

[ladypuglover]

Hi and welcome!Makesure you read the rules and no pooping on the rug.

[tehgoobster]

Hi, and welcome! :) That's similar to my story. I started out as a fan of theirs. I didn't understand why so many people hated their views, so I started researching IBLP, Vision Forum, and patriarchy. Needless to say, what I found out has been disturbing. I think a lot of Duggar fans would be shocked if they knew the entirety of what the Duggars believe and promote.

[jockosmom]

I really appreciate the list of blogs. I had no idea so many people were obsessed with documenting their lives online and showing how they are better Christians than everyone else. The Botkins scare me and the Maxwells make me feel sad. The post about the nursing home church was really sad. If you have to go to church in the nursing home so you don't have to actually interact with other Christians, that should be a wake-up call about your faith, rather than a point of price, IMO.

[Lillybee]

Welcome and enjoy the snark.