Florida stories

[47of74]

Florida Man learned the hard way that it's still operating while intoxicated if one only takes swigs at stop signs and traffic lights.

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An inebriated motorist assured Florida police that he was not drinking while driving, but only swigging from a bottle of Jim Beam bourbon when his vehicle paused at stop signs and traffic signals, according to a police report.

Earle Gustavas Stevens, 69, was arrested two weeks ago for driving his Mercury Grand Marquis while under the influence. The Vero Beach resident, now free on $1500 bond in advance of a July 31 arraignment, was nabbed after a driver called 911 to report that Stevens’s car repeatedly tapped her bumper while they were in a McDonald’s drive-thru lane.

When a sheriff’s deputy contacted Stevens, he reeked of alcohol, was slurring his words, and had ”red and glossy” eyes. On the Mercury’s passenger seat was a bottle of Jim Beam, from which Stevens admitted he had been drinking.

Asked if he was drinking in the auto, Stevens replied, “No.” He then explained he was enjoying the bourbon at “Stop signs.” The deputy further noted Stevens’s distinction when it came to drinking while driving: “He further explained that he was not drinking while the car was moving and only when he stopped for stop signs and traffic signals.”

 

[Howl]

Florida Man Allegedly Planned to Burn Down Condo Complex to ‘Kill All Jews’

This is scary, scary, scary, terrifying really.

Spoiler

A 72-year-old man was arrested after he allegedly plotted to burn down an apartment building to “kill all Jews,” according to WTVJ. Walter Stolper, of Miami, was charged with attempted murder and attempted first-degree arson after he was found pushing a “shopping cart with two containers full of gasoline” near the apartment complex. Stolper dropped eight more gas containers into the building’s trash chute, causing the gas to be spread throughout the building, authorities said. Witnesses said Stolper was upset about being evicted from his condo in the complex, with one person saying that he told neighbors he intended to burn down the building with “all the (expletive) Jews.” They also said Stolper bought fans to increase the fire damage, and purchased padlocks to put on fire hoses so first responders would have a tougher time putting the blaze out. When police searched his unit, they found 28 containers with gasoline, sulfur powder, and potassium nitrate, Miami police said. His apartment also had swastikas and books on Nazis.

 

Edited July 15, 2018 by Howl

[Howl]

Just found the motherlode of Florida stories on the Tampa Bay Times, becuase at the bottom of every story they list other Florida stories. 

Florida man climbs atop playground equipment at Clearwater park, tells kids where babies come from

St. Pete man gets drunk, falls off bicycle, hits man at hospital with folding chair, police say

Woman with machete hides behind ex-boyfriend’s door, then forces sex on him, police say

To get back at co-worker, St. Pete woman took photos of her on the toilet. She now faces charges.

[47of74]

Here's a real jerk...

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A Florida Man who has the phrase “Family Over Everything” tattooed across his chest threw his pregnant girlfriend to the ground because he believed the victim was talking to another man, police say.

Roldan Aleman, 22, was arrested early yesterday following a 2:50 AM confrontation in a Pinellas Park apartment.

The unemployed Aleman later struggled with police seeking to arrest him for battering the pregnant woman. Aleman, investigators allege, punched and kicked officers, prompting one cop to deploy his taser. Aleman also allegedly repeatedly punched a police dog in the face and chest.

In addition to multiple felony battery and resisting arrest counts, Aleman was charged with marijuana possession after a small amount of pot was found in his backpack.      

And of course since he's white the police weren't "in fear of their lives" and didn't pump him full of lead.

[ADoyle90815]

Florida Man has been busy lately.

https://mynbc15.com/news/offbeat/man-who-stole-ice-cream-truck-charged-with-burglary-car-theft-weed-possession

 

Edited July 28, 2018 by ADoyle90815

[47of74]

Some more peak Florida with a man carrying an alligator into a store where adult beverages are sold;

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A Florida man filmed carrying an alligator into a convenience store to buy beer said the stunt was just a harmless prank.

The video, which went viral after being posted to Facebook by Robby Stratton, shows the man carrying an alligator into Safeway Discount Beverage in Jacksonville.

The man then chases customers around the store with the alligator.

Stratton said he has no memory of the incident as he had already been drinking heavily that night. He said he does not know where he got an alligator.

 

[QuiverFullofBooks]

23 hours ago, 47of74 said:

Some more peak Florida with a man carrying an alligator into a store where adult beverages are sold;

 

Is there anything more Florida Man than not remembering where you got your alligator?

[47of74]

Florida man got just plain nasty

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In one of the more vile episodes to recently transpire inside a 7-Eleven, a Florida man yesterday dumped a bucket containing human feces and urine inside a convenience store in St. Petersburg, according to police.

Investigators allege that Damian Simms, 41, arrived at the 7-Eleven around 1:30 AM Wednesday and proceeded to toss the slurry of human waste on the floor of the business. The liquid splashed on merchandise valued at $28.

Pictured at right, Simms apparently obtained the waste from a portable toilet. “The defendant threw a bucket of port a potty liquid human feces and urine,” reported Officer Donald Ziglar.

In late-May, Simms was trespassed from the 7-Eleven and “returned tonight with a bucket of human feces,” wrote Ziglar, who noted an “indication of alcohol influence.” The incident was recorded by store security cameras.

 

[47of74]

Florida man took a Facebook argument to the next level

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Two men disagreed about politics on Facebook.

When things got heated, one showed up with a Glock and an AR-15 and shot the other in the thigh and buttocks, police said.

Call it extreme unfriending.

It happened Monday night in Tampa, leading to the arrest of Brian Sebring, 44, of 4412 Leila Ave. on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and carrying a concealed firearm.

Jesus what an idiot. 

[47of74]

It's a giant spider invasion of savings in Florida!

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A Florida woman was arrested after she allegedly streaked through a public park earlier this week. When cops managed to chase her down, she had quite the excuse, saying she was running away from a “giant spider” that she thought was on her.

Police said in an arrest report that Danielle Teeples was “acting erratically and rubbing her hair and breasts while screaming and running between two trees,” at approximately 2:15 Sunday afternoon. When they apprehended her, she wouldn’t put her clothes back on right away, cops said, according to local station WFTS.

Cops didn’t mention seeing any spiders or other bugs of abnormal size, but they did say that Teeples admitted to recently partaking in crack cocaine, spice, and crystal meth. Use of spice, also known as synthetic marijuana, has been known to result in bizarre reactions, ranging from “zombie-like” behavior to paranoia and hallucinations.

 

[Howl]

(Florida) Man Charged With Threatening To Kill Congressman’s Kids

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FORT PIERCE, Fla. (AP) — A federal grand jury has indicted a Florida man on charges that he threatened to kill the children of U.S. Rep. Brian Mast (pictured above) because he was upset about President Donald Trump’s immigration policies.

Laurence Key was indicted Thursday on charges of communication of a threat to kidnap or injure a person. The 68-year-old was arrested in June after an intern said he called the Florida congressman’s office in Washington and threatened to kidnap and kill Mast’s three young children because of policies about immigrant children being separated from their parents.

Authorities say Key had contacted Mast’s office 478 times before.

He could face up to five years in prison if convicted.  TC Palm reports Key denied the charges and invoked his right to remain silent.

 

 

Edited August 19, 2018 by Howl

[ADoyle90815]

Spoiler

https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/national-international/Police-Florida-Man-88-Burns-Raccoon-Over-Eating-Mangoes-491194881.html?_osource=SocialNewsDeskFB_KNBC

Warning: Animal cruelty by Florida Man. Article in spoiler tag.

Edited August 19, 2018 by ADoyle90815

[47of74]

Topless 81 year old Florida Woman busted guzzling box wine;

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A topless 81-year-old woman was drinking from the spout of a box of Franzia Sunset Blush wine yesterday morning when Florida police arrested her for disorderly intoxication, records show.

Shirtless octogenarian Mary Ellen Stewart, cops say, was sitting on a bench “in view of the public” when they approached her around 7:40 AM. Stewart, who was on the property of a St. Petersburg hospital, had her breasts “completely exposed” and “security and nursing staff witnessed this,” a sheriff’s deputy reported in an arrest affidavit.

Stewart, a deputy noted, “held the box of wine over her head and began to drink from the spout.” When officers sought to confiscate the wine, Stewart allegedly “began to shake the box intentionally towards deputies” in an attempt to splash them with the pink-hued liquid.

 

[47of74]

And Florida Man was spotted going on an unusual motorcycle ride

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While driving on southbound 95 near Jacksonville on Saturday, a woman and her son spotted a man reclining on his bike, steering with his bare feet, looking completely calm and relaxed. The man wore neither a shirt not a helmet (as per Florida law, helmets are not required for people who carry at least $10,000 in medical insurance coverage).

 

 

[Howl]

OK, just came across this facebook page called Florida Man's Adventures.  It's somewhat of a Florida Man aggregator. 

[47of74]

Florida Drive Up

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Police said William Parrish Jr. and McKenzee Dobbs were selling drugs out of a mobile home on Northwest 23rd Place near Northwest 35th Avenue Road and Northwest 21st Street.

Investigators said the home had signs indicating when it was open or closed for business and signs directing motorists where to drive.

Police said the couple transformed a kitchen window into a drive-thru window because it didn't want to draw attention by having customers regularly entering and exiting the home.

The suspects were arrested Aug. 23 on multiple charges, including drug possession, selling drugs and keeping or maintaining a dwelling used to keep or sell drugs

"Yeah, I'll have a number two with an extra serving of heroin."

[47of74]

Of all the things to get arrested for...

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Authorities say a Florida man has been arrested for being belligerent and giving his girlfriend a wet willy.

A St. Lucie County sheriff's deputy went to a home after Joseph Sireci's girlfriend told authorities he was drunk on the living room floor when she returned from work earlier this month.

According to an affidavit, she said Sireci accompanied her and her daughter to another home, where Sireci continued to be belligerent, and on the way home, he grabbed her hand, pulled her arm and gave her a wet willy by sticking his wet finger in her ear.

 

[47of74]

Florida man was busted rubbing one out at a laundromat, claims it helped his anxiety.

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A man arrested early yesterday for masturbating in public told police that engaging in such illicit pleasure sessions “helps with his anxiety,” according to an arrest report.

Cops allege that Carlos Salvador, 20, was naked from the waist down when a witness spotted him around 2:30 AM inside a 24-hour laundromat in Clearwater, Florida. In a 911 call, the witness reported that the male suspect had an erect penis and was masturbating “out in the open.”

When police arrived at the laundromat (seen below), Salvador was seated inside and “masturbating while watching pornography on his phone.”

During police questioning, Salvador reportedly admitted to previously masturbating in public, saying that it “helps with his anxiety.”

I think there are better - not to mention legal - ways of dealing with anxiety.  Or at least engaging in said rubbing one out in the privacy of one's residence.

[47of74]

All that over a pimple.

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A domestic dispute over a pimple became so heated Saturday that cops were called to a Florida home to break up the altercation, a police report notes.

According to investigators, a 75-year-old man and his 55-year-old spouse “were involved in a argument over the husband wanting his wife to pop a pimple on his back.”

The quarrel got heated enough for someone to call 911. When a sheriff’s deputy arrived at the Bradenton residence, the couple advised that “the altercation was just verbal and never turned violent.”

 

[Howl]

Could this be peak Florida? Discuss. 

 

[47of74]

Could this be peak Florida? Discuss. 
 

I think I heard of this coming up before when people tried to boil the illicit recreational substances out of their urine.

[Howl]

These people were trying to warm up someone else's urine to pass a urine test.  Otherwise, there's certainly something to be said for recycling. 

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

The one time I had to take a urine test to qualify for a job, I ended up sitting in the testing place's waiting room, because I...erm...needed to drink a lot of water and wait until I could produce a large enough sample.  While I was sitting around, a guy came in, went in the restroom/give a sample room, came out, and got very angry when he was told that his sample was too cold to accept. I guess he should have taken it to the corner convenience store first.

[47of74]

Squirrel!!!

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A passenger was removed from a flight from Orlando Tuesday due to a squirrel.

Frontier Airlines told WJW a woman boarded Flight 1612 from Orlando to Cleveland with her squirrel, which she said was an emotional support animal.

The airline said the woman indicated in advance she was bringing an emotional support animal but did not say it was a squirrel.

According to Frontier’s emotional support animal policy, only dogs and cats are accepted as emotional support animals on the airline’s flights.

And yeah, where's Eddie since he usually eats these things?

 

[Howl]

Honorary Florida Man: