What to say to a fundy-lite friend?

[nokidsmom]

Agree with 2xx11xy1JD that signing the form will send the message to those kids that if they scream and carry on about an issue enough, it will work.  It will set a precedent for it to happen again and believe me it will happen again.    I have in law relatives who have supported a daughter and her family for year, in spite of her husband earning good money, because if she wants something, all she needs to do is throw a fit.  She has done this since she was a teenager btw.  

If they want to get married, if they want to be involved in what is an adult relationship, they need to learn to be adults.   This is not adult behavior nor should it be encouraged..

[Jingerbread]

I can't find my post, but it was about a fundy-lite friend whose daughter was forcing them to let her get married as an underage bride.  Girl's parents managed to convince her to wait until summer, which was progress, but there's a massive update.

The guy she was going to marry, who was trying to get her to turn hardcore into fundamentalism, started threatening to kill her family, and the threats are provable.  There's a restraining order right now, and my friend and her family have been advised to not stay at their house right now.  So the wedding is very off.  This isn't something anyone saw coming.  

[hoipolloi]

Whoa. Very glad the wedding is off -- who knows what would have happened if she'd ended up in his clutches -- but how scary for the family.

 

[Emkay]

Were the threats because they talked her into postponing until summer? Does she still want to marry this guy?! 

[Jingerbread]

Emkay, the threats included threatening to beat her up.  Kill her family, beat her up.  She's the one who went to her parents and asked for help.  She's scared out of her mind of the guy now.  I have't gotten all the details about what he said yet, but his own family isn't standing by him right now, and the police got an emergency protective order pushed through almost immediately.

I don't know details on this yet, but he's in custody.  I don't know when, like if the cops went for him as soon as reported of it he violated the temp order, but he's in custody and a hearing on Friday about making the order permanent.  I'll hear more later, but in case he gets released, my house is doubling as a safe-house for the whole family.  

[hollyandivy]

That is so scary.... Good thing they postponed the wedding! So now the bride got to see the 'true colours" of her groom and could ruuuuuuuuuun

[Emme]

Holy crap. Stay safe. 

[sawasdee]

Wow.....Hope everything works out, and they can keep him away from her and her family. This sounds almost psychotic.

[Kittikatz]

Wow. That's horrible. I'm glad she didn't marry the schmuck and hope they get a permanent protection order and this person doesn't do anything to actually harm the family.

[Anonymousguest]

Crazy scary, but so good that it happened now!

[bal maiden]

Perhaps best not to post this on a public forum, for your friend's safety...?

[Tim-Tom Biblethumper]

Not the best of circumstances, but appreciate the update @Jingerbread.  I'd thought of your friend just a few days ago and wondered about the outcome.

[Jingerbread]

23 hours ago, bal maiden said:

Perhaps best not to post this on a public forum, for your friend's safety...?

The chance of him happening to find this random forum and this random post is like searching for a needle in a haystack the size of the Louisiana Superdome.  He's also being held pending the outcome of a psych eval, and his family isn't willing to take him back right now.

[Gossamer1]

How old is this man? Is is whole family full-on fundie or just him?

[BullyJBG]

Yes, no use of names or locations should keep this private enough, I would think. Thanks for sharing; I had prayed for you and them at the time of your original posting. If the last thread disappeared, maybe this one will eventually as well.

[DaisyD]

I just went back and read your original thread (I just looked for threads you've started). Hindsight being what it is, this guy is seriously controlling. I'm wondering if all of her changing her life goals and beliefs were his influence completely. If her dad is also a controlling personality, it's likely that she'll struggle with finding men who aren't like that. 

Of course threatening to kill her parents for not bowing to his whims is a whole next level. I hope they're able to stay far away from him and he gets some court ordered, secular counseling.

[apandaaries]

Wow!  So glad they delayed the wedding nonsense -- it's given them quite the opportunity to see his true colors.  I agree with @daisyd681 about his controlling nature.  What a horrible way to discover his true personality.  I hope your friends are also contemplating what led them to think that it would be okay to permit her to marry at such a young age (IIRC, it was the father who was somehow more okay with the situation, while the mother had more reservations...?  If so, hope Pops especially is doing some hard thinking about WTF was on his mind when he was agreeing to let his daughter be wed to such a man). I don't want to seem like I'm being too hard on the parents, though -- the problems here are clearly due to the young man.  But I do think that part of parenting teens is protecting them from themselves and their own (at times) questionable ideas.

[Jingerbread]

Amandaaries, my friend and her husband weren't much older when they married, and felt it was hypocritical to tell her no when the age difference isn't more than a little over a year.

The guy is 17, the oldest boy in a Baptist fundy family that does send their sons to public school.  Sons.  I found out he has some older sisters who are still at home.  He's the golden son, and things very obviously and dangerously went wrong.  He is under house arrest right now, and from what my friend said so far, his family isn't comfortable, but they weren't given a legal choice.  It's scary how easily this could have been, or even could be, a case in the media.  Hopefully he doesn't snap and hurt hurt family.

There are silver linings.  My friend and her husband are actually getting along now!  The boy held a mirror up to friend's husband, and it was sobering.

Also the boy's family might be seeing how dangerous it is to teach boys that they're masters in relationships.  The boy's dad supposedly isn't like this, but that boy sure feels entitled to getting his way.

Thank goodness this happened before they got married.  I don't know if the wedding being delayed (just until summer!!) is why he did this, but if it hadn't happened, who knows what could have left to a snap in the future.  This happening now might have saved lives.

[Imagine20]

What a scary situation. It'll be a blessing in disguise if she breaks it off. If not, it's a warning of things to come. I hope your friend's family stays safe. I can't imagine how frightening that must be. 

I hope he gets help so this doesn't become a pattern. I also hope his family isn't hurt, and it serves as a wake up call that makes them seriously examine their beliefs. 

[Koala]

On 3/16/2016 at 11:41 PM, bal maiden said:

Perhaps best not to post this on a public forum, for your friend's safety...?

I was wondering the same thing.  And honestly, how ethical it is to be giving an internet blow by blow of these peoples' lives without their consent?  The people we usually snark on make the choice to put themselves out there....these people don't appear to have done anything of the kind. 

[Howl]

1 hour ago, Jingerbread said:

The guy is 17, the oldest boy in a Baptist fundy family that does send their sons to public school.  Sons.  I found out he has some older sisters who are still at home.  He's the golden son, and things very obviously and dangerously went wrong.

Perhaps older sisters who indulged him and waited on him hand and foot? This problem can't have come out of nowhere.  Sounds like he's been a little tyrant in training.  So incredibly glad the girl has escaped the nightmare that would have been her marriage,  not to mention she would have gotten preggers ASAP.  Sadly, he's just a nightmare waiting to happen to another girl. 

[Anonymousguest]

3 hours ago, Koala said:

I was wondering the same thing.  And honestly, how ethical it is to be giving an internet blow by blow of these peoples' lives without their consent?  The people we usually snark on make the choice to put themselves out there....these people don't appear to have done anything of the kind. 

She hasn't used any names, not hers, her friends our friends children. She hasn't given a location. I can't think of any scenario where any one would be harmed by this story being posted anonymously on a internet forum. Except maybe the friend would feel betrayed.