Joseph Maxwell is MARRIED!!!

[nausicaa]

Can you imagine how uncomfortable this thread is making Steve-o right now? lol

I'm laughing so hard right now I'm glad no one else is in the room. I love the thought that Steve had to quit his professional job because he couldn't go out to lunch with female colleagues. Then fast forward twenty years and there's a bunch of secular women sexually evaluating him for all and sundry to see. And he can't do a damn thing about it. :lol:

For the record, Steve does nothing for me physically, though I did think Doug Phillips was a nice looking older man. And I would jump John Maxwell's bones in a New York minute.

[Coco]

It wouldn't be very sexy porn. He probably only does it in the dark, fully clothed, just with their pants pulled down a bit like when peeing, and with the woman's skirt lifted up a bit but not enough for him to see her vag. And the woman is wearing the frumpiest nightie ever that is nearly floor length, has every body part covered except for the head, and the fabric looks like Lady Lydia picked it. While they are going at it, they recite Bible verses. Then when the schedule says sex time stops, they both get out of bed and start cleaning the ceiling fans.

whatever it would be would definitely include ceiling fans. :lol:

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Even if she could read some real literature, her writing would improve so much. Actually no, if she could leave the house without a chaperone and see how other people work and think, that would help. She writes about what she knows, and all she knows is leaning, taking cookies to people on Christmas, and nursing home church. Ugh.

Absolutely. The key to writing well is reading a lot so that you get a sense for what makes good flow, and increase your vocabulary. Plenty of people who never had formal writing lessons in their lives manage to write well because they read a lot and they regularly read across genres - from fiction to technical descriptions to political arguments by well-known names in serious magazines.

But the Maxwells? Not only do they hardly read at all, when they DO read it's pretty much the KJV Bible. Say what you will about the Bible from a religious "truthiness" standpoint, but you have to admit it doesn't really hang together so well as a coherent narrative with ONE voice - and that's even before you consider that they're using the archaic language version on purpose. Apart from that they apparently read the occasional Christian biography, but those sort of books aren't usually written by people chosen for their writing ability, so it's sort of a crapshoot there.

I am not surprised that their writing seems stiff and strange, not at all.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

whatever it would be would definitely include ceiling fans. :lol:

I can just imagine a scene... someone is tied to the ceiling fan as part of the what some might call naughty f*n times of the evening, things are heating up, but at the moment of most excitement, someone notices that hey, there's a speck of dust up there!

Everything screeches to a halt, as cleaning supplies are procured... :popcorn2:

[church_of_dog]

I can just imagine a scene... someone is tied to the ceiling fan as part of the what some might call naughty f*n times of the evening, things are heating up, but at the moment of most excitement, someone notices that hey, there's a speck of dust up there!

Everything screeches to a halt, as cleaning supplies are procured... :popcorn2:

"What some might call erotic"

[gardenvarietycitizen]

"What some might call erotic"

Ha! Yes, that's exactly the words! :lol:

[Idolatry]

Wow, I can't believe how many people were at their conference thing. Wow. I am stunned that many people turned up for these teachings.

[thoughtful]

whatever it would be would definitely include ceiling fans. :lol:

NSFW (or Maxwells):

[Fun-Dee]

whatever it would be would definitely include ceiling fans. :lol:

Heeeyyyy, those are some cleeeaaan ceiling fans.......But if he wash them not, nor bathe his flesh; then he shall bear his iniquity." (Leviticus 17:15-16 KJV) (cue porn music)

Okay, I think I just committed some serious blasphemy there......

[Toothfairy]

Thank God you never learned Photoshop. :wtf:

imagine. Thank goodness I don't know how to use photoshop. I would have loads of memes I could do with the Maxwells and other fundies.

[Toothfairy]

I cant imagine the sex talk Joseph had. Ugh. I hope that the newly weds can have some couple time alone.

[Curious]

This made me :lol: :lol: :lol: I just thought maybe you were "talking" really fast because you were getting more and more frustrated.

This. I sat here rereading your post several times trying to figure out the significance of the words that had spaces vs the ones that didn't and finally just thought it was some Maxwell or Sarah writing thing that I didn't get because I don't follow them that closely :)

[Jana814]

I cant imagine the sex talk Joseph had. Ugh. I hope that the newly weds can have some couple time alone.

Now that u have said that. I always wondered what a sex talk would be like in the Maxwell household.

[ViolaSebastian]

Now that u have said that. I always wondered what a sex talk would be like in the Maxwell household.

Insert part A into slot B between the times of 8:45 and 9:00 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays.

[lilith]

Now that u have said that. I always wondered what a sex talk would be like in the Maxwell household.

Make sure your helpmeet regularly schedules back rubs for you. That's it - there's a reason that both Nathan and Christopher took a while to conceive their first child, and as NR Anna's consequent fertility has shown it's not a lack of fertility on her and Christopher's part.

Actually, the new helpmeet probably isn't trusted to make the schedule. Teri probably helpfully supplied a schedule for the first six months as a wedding gift, replete with ceiling fan dusting, bible time, "time with The Lord" and weekly "back rubs".

Joseph doesn't look like he has any intention of waiting a minute more than he has to to consummate his marriage - he's already been waiting for a very long time.

[johnhugh]

Now that u have said that. I always wondered what a sex talk would be like in the Maxwell household.

It's mind blowing, pardon the pun.

With Stevie and Terri being educated one would hope that it is at least more educational than Boob's Lego talk ( :penguin-no: Manboys Lego is a toy - feel free to carry on building towers :wink-penguin: ). But does Joey even have any idea of what a woman's body looks like let alone functions.?

[kpmom]

Insert part A into slot B between the times of 8:45 and 9:00 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays.

At least that's five minutes more than Ken and Lori.

[Coco]

It's mind blowing, pardon the pun.

With Stevie and Terri being educated one would hope that it is at least more educational than Boob's Lego talk ( :penguin-no: Manboys Lego is a toy - feel free to carry on building towers :wink-penguin: ). But does Joey even have any idea of what a woman's body looks like let alone functions.?

They might have given him a copy of this book. A lot of fundie parents have this one hidden somewhere super secret. My parents gave one to all of us kids. I've never read it :lol: but iirc it does have illustrations.

[uber frau]

Fucking for the Father

Maxwell Does Missionary

Necrophilia Part Three (well Steve's so into death)

Daddy on his knees.

It could be part of the bondage series along with Trust eeeeeeend Obey.

[latraviata]

At least that's five minutes more than Ken and Lori.

Yes, that might be true, but there isn't any lube involved nor naked, smiling dancing.....

[LurkerOverThePond]

Now that u have said that. I always wondered what a sex talk would be like in the Maxwell household.

"Close your eyes and think of death."

Given that Joseph is the first reversal child who was born after Steve was becoming more and more lunatic, it is possible that a week ago he really did not know how a female body looks like under all those layers of modest frumpers. To even think about that possibility is mind boggling!

[Coco]

This is the ad for this thread :lol:

good to the last drop :twisted:

i really don't think he did know, beyond very conservative marriage books, probably with drawn illustrations. i didn't, until i was in my 20's and was doing nursing school prep. (taking care of an recovering elderly patient for a while) That was an experience. :lol: It was helping with baths. I was freaked out and decided not to go to nursing school, dumb overprotective fundie upbringing. :doh:

[Mela99]

I assume it's the same talk that new Queens were given when they married Henry VIII.

"Submit to His Grace's attention and pray for an heir."

Which book is worse - that one above or the Ed Wheat one? I only ever flipped through the Wheat one.

[SuffolkNWhat]

Ew ew ew 50 Shades of Maxwell :brain-bleach: :brain-bleach: :brain-bleach:

Steve probably has a Red Room of Dull

[RecoveringFundie]

Steve seems like the kind of middle aged/older man who would wear tighty whities, a white undershirt and black socks prior to engaging in sexy time. That image made me literally shudder (in arousal or disgust I'll let you guess....) ;) ;)