Christian virginity pledges

[Cassia]

http://www.alternet.org/i-took-christia ... 1#bookmark

A great essay that briefly delves into the long term emotional and psychological harm that came from the author's pre-pubescent virginity pledge.

She speaks of taking the pledge as a ten year old in front of her church and how she wore her virginity as a badge of honour - feeling as though it was her entire identity by her teen years. She was celibate with her boyfriend of six years until their wedding night. And then she posts the following paragraph, which just makes me cringe:

"When we got home, I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers. They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn't special anymore. My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I didn't know who I was without it."

She struggled in her sexual relationship with her husband for two years before finally confiding in him - they stopped having sex while she went to therapy.

A few more choice pieces:

"Waiting didn't give me a happily ever after. Instead, it controlled my identity for over a decade, landed me in therapy, and left me a stranger in my own skin. I was so completely ashamed of my body and my sexuality that it made having sex a demoralizing experience."

"Every single day is a battle to remember that my body belongs to me and not to the church of my childhood."

I suspect that JimBob and Michelle have more to fear from this sort of essay than they do online porn (or whatever other nonsense they're shielding their children from). No wonder they strictly police internet in their home.

[louisa05]

http://www.alternet.org/i-took-christian-virginity-pledge-child-and-it-nearly-destroyed-my-life?paging=off&current_page=1#bookmark

A great essay that briefly delves into the long term emotional and psychological harm that came from the author's pre-pubescent virginity pledge.

She speaks of taking the pledge as a ten year old in front of her church and how she wore her virginity as a badge of honour - feeling as though it was her entire identity by her teen years. She was celibate with her boyfriend of six years until their wedding night. And then she posts the following paragraph, which just makes me cringe:

"When we got home, I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers. They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn't special anymore. My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I didn't know who I was without it."

She struggled in her sexual relationship with her husband for two years before finally confiding in him - they stopped having sex while she went to therapy.

A few more choice pieces:

"Waiting didn't give me a happily ever after. Instead, it controlled my identity for over a decade, landed me in therapy, and left me a stranger in my own skin. I was so completely ashamed of my body and my sexuality that it made having sex a demoralizing experience."

"Every single day is a battle to remember that my body belongs to me and not to the church of my childhood."

I suspect that JimBob and Michelle have more to fear from this sort of essay than they do online porn (or whatever other nonsense they're shielding their children from). No wonder they strictly police internet in their home.

I think it is important to note that waiting to have sex was not the problem here. It was the messages surrounding that teaching. A close friend of mine told me, shortly before her wedding, that she felt bad that she "wouldn't be pure anymore" after she was married. It is that mess where a woman's value is wrapped up in virginity and nothing else and sex is seen in weird black and white terms (pre-marriage: it is pretty much the unforgivable sin and the most shameful thing anyone can even think about; post-marriage: it is the greatest thing in the world--automatically no less) that causes these problems. Throw in the very weird approach to sexuality that happens smack in the middle of the ceremony at many evangelical weddings...my friend's pastor announced to the congregation that she and her groom would be "having sex for the first time in a few hours". It is all a recipe for disaster.

When to have sex is a private and personal choice. For some people, it has moral implications. And I personally don't think any choice is inherently wrong. The problem is when those choices become a public matter which is what much of evangelicalism has made them.

[maybeizfundie]

As a Christian, and someone who waited and is glad I did, that article made me so sad.

It's like these people live in a alternate universe version of Christianity. Even though we are theologically and socially pretty conservative, I can't relate to her experience at all, and I'm terribly sad things got so twisted for her and for so many others. What a horrible, harmful view of sex and marriage that she was burdened with. :( ETA, it is bizarre to me that anyone, even with the "wait for marriage" view would see marital sex as impure. In that moral constructs, marriage is what *makes* sex pure. I'm glad I wasn't raised with the idea that sex is inherently impure and that it is always bad.

[DGayle]

She struggled in her sexual relationship with her husband for two years before finally confiding in him - they stopped having sex while she went to therapy.

She's extremely lucky that she married someone who didn't push her. He was willing to back off. So many fundy men would see her spoiled vagina as their right. :(

[DGayle]

A close friend of mine told me, shortly before her wedding, that she felt bad that she "wouldn't be pure anymore" after she was married.

Elizabeth Smart said that the reason she didn't run when she had many chances to was that she believed her rape made her unclean, impure, a sin, unwanted, unloved. She's spoken out against teaching kids that premarital sex ruins them and makes them shameful.

[louisa05]

As a Christian, and someone who waited and is glad I did, that article made me so sad.

It's like these people live in a alternate universe version of Christianity. Even though we are theologically and socially pretty conservative, I can't relate to her experience at all, and I'm terribly sad things got so twisted for her and for so many others. What a horrible, harmful view of sex and marriage that she was burdened with. :( ETA, it is bizarre to me that anyone, even with the "wait for marriage" view would see marital sex as impure. In that moral constructs, marriage is what *makes* sex pure. I'm glad I wasn't raised with the idea that sex is inherently impure and that it is always bad.

I think that when young women are expected to wear virginity as a badge of honor and even get referred to as "pure" in great admiration, you set them up to feel as though they have lost some inherent goodness even though they waited and have only had sex within marriage. They no longer get to be one of the special girls who is admired for her virginity anymore, but rather are just one more married woman in the congregation. That is definitely how my friend was feeling. She had been made to feel so very special for waiting (and she was 28 and had gone to a semi-secular college and dated) for so long that marriage was taking that away from her in a way. And if you start indoctrinating them as early as age ten, like the woman who wrote the piece, it is difficult for them to just flip a switch and see married sex as good and pure. It basically goes: sex is evil, bad, horrible, worst sin ever, don't even think about it..."I now pronounce you man and wife!" BOOM! Sex is good and holy. If you only heard the first half of that for a decade or more, you would be pretty stuck in that mindset.

[LaLele]

Signing a virginity pledge as a middle schooler is one of the reasons that I am scornful of all things fundy (well, that and being in a van that was harassed by pro-lifers with dead fetus signs as a child, but that is another story). I went to a virginity rally (True Love Waits) with a my regular youth group. My youth group had a new leader who was way more conservative and evangelical then he should have been for a United Methodist. As a 12 year old, however, I didn't really have a great grasp on the differences between Christian churches, though. I attended the youth group mostly for social reasons as I had a lot of close friends that were going. So, I went along to this rally thinking I was going to have fun and hang out with my friends.

The rally was at a big Evangelical Free church. There were probably about 300 kids there. As soon as we got there we were ushered into this huge sanctuary with tv screens on either side of the pulpit. (This is common now, but this was some high tech stuff back in the early 90's). :P We had to listen to a sermon and lots of discussion about how holy our lady bits and wangs were. After that, the pastor announced that, in a line (communion style), we were to go up the alter and in front of the congregation sign our pledge. One camera was trained on audience and one was on the alter. There really was no way to not sign the pledge and not have it be obvious. Now at 12, I knew about the birds an the bees (mechanics of sex), but I had no real understanding at all about intimacy. At 12 I had no desire to have sex and the prospect of it sounded so scary, so I stood up in front of my friends and youth pastor and 300 other kids and signed a pledge, about which I had no real idea what I was pledging.

I broke that pledge in my teen years and felt some guilt over it, luckily I had an awesome spiritual mentor (female) at the time who helped me realize I had been pressured into signing something I didn't understand and reminded me that God probably didn't care who I banged as long as I was respecting myself and my partner.

[polecat]

I grew up fundy before virginity pledges became a "thing" and no one wore purity rings. We had all the rules, of course, and weren't allowed to hold hands or hug and certainly not kiss. I'm glad I was never backed into a corner by a purity pledge, though. How many of these girls (and boys, too, I suppose) agree to make these vows due to peer or parental pressure? And are therefore forced into lying? If and when those vows are broken, are the kids then doubly punished for breaking their vows AND for the intimacy?

I want my kids to have strong minds of their own (even though it drives me crazy sometimes) because then I know they'll stand firm even in the face of adversity and be better able to fend off unhealthy peer pressure. And I definitely want them to value honesty more highly than virginity.

I also want them to know that their body/their choice, and forcing them into making decisions about their sexuality because it's what *I* (in this purity pledge scenario) want them to do seems like it sends a very wrong, even dangerous message.

[Trynn]

I randomly found a card I signed pledging to save virginity for marriage. I don't even remember signing it, but as an asexual, it never bothered me anyway.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I let it go on this way for almost two years before I broke down. I just couldn't do it anymore. I told my husband everything. My feminist husband was horrified that I'd let him touch me when I didn't want him to. He made me promise I'd never do anything I didn't want to do ever again. We stopped having sex. He encouraged me to see a therapist and I did. It was the first step on a long journey to healing

Her husband sounds like a good guy.

THIS is a huge problem that I have with the Lori/Ken school of advice. If a wife has been taught that she always has to say yes to sex without complaint, how is the husband supposed to know that it feels horrible for her? What if a decent husband, like this one, would be horrified that he had been having sex with someone who felt horrible each time? What if his true wish was for a great relationship with true intimacy and mutual enjoyment? By not saying anything, he loses this opportunity to get things to improve.

Of course, Lori and Ken and thejoyfilledwife can't understand that this would ever be a problem for a husband.

As for the rest of the article - once again, we have proof that we should focus on sexual actions and decisions, not on sexual status.

[jerkit]

I grew up in a more mainstream evangelical church and I had a purity ring and practically worshiped Rebecca St James (of Wait For Me fame).

[JMarie]

I feel incredibly sad for the young women who believe that their virginity is the ONLY thing that makes them special, and kind of makes you wonder why they're so eager to get married (marriage --> loss of specialness).

[louisa05]

I feel incredibly sad for the young women who believe that their virginity is the ONLY thing that makes them special, and kind of makes you wonder why they're so eager to get married (marriage --> loss of specialness).

Being a virgin bride is very special, too. I think that most of them don't realize how it will hit them until close to or after the wedding, much like the woman who wrote the piece that started this discussion.

[utter solitude]

Being a virgin bride is very special, too. I think that most of them don't realize how it will hit them until close to or after the wedding, much like the woman who wrote the piece that started this discussion.

You'd think they'd be told how great it is to be getting married along the same vein as they're told how great it is to be virginal... Because martial sex is *supposedly* a GOOD thing. Being a virgin and waiting is wonderful if you choose it, but if the people around you allow it to be such a driving force of who you are you feel like utter shit when you get MARRIED, that's fucked up.

[Toothfairy]

I took a virginity pledge as a teen, as well as my siblings. My parents wanted me to do it for god not for them. Well actually they guilt us into doing it. I was always told that sex was for married people. When people have sex with someone whose not their spouse they already cheated on them with their future spouse. So there's no point of finding a person if you engage in premarital sex, since they don't want someone else's "sloppy seconds" I think the problem is some people think virginity is the only thing that a spouse wants. That if they're a virgin they have a special gift to give someone. They keep thinking if they lose that special gift they will have nothing to give. There's more to marriage and intimacy than what's between your legs. I think some people live in a fairy tail world.

[notsocommon]

As a Christian, and someone who waited and is glad I did, that article made me so sad.

It's like these people live in a alternate universe version of Christianity. Even though we are theologically and socially pretty conservative, I can't relate to her experience at all, and I'm terribly sad things got so twisted for her and for so many others. What a horrible, harmful view of sex and marriage that she was burdened with. :( ETA, it is bizarre to me that anyone, even with the "wait for marriage" view would see marital sex as impure. In that moral constructs, marriage is what *makes* sex pure. I'm glad I wasn't raised with the idea that sex is inherently impure and that it is always bad.

This.

I waited, and had no problem at all!

I was brought up that premarital sex was 'sin' but married sex was AWESOME! Sex, in and of itself, wasn't viewed as bad, the whe you had it was.

..and if my pastor had announced anything about my 'status' I'd seriously hike up my dress and kick his ass. Good thing he wasn't some weird pervy kind of guy.

[sockinshoe]

Imagine how awful it must be to take one of these pledges and be forced to lie about your romantic life (never mind sex life). Still worse, imagine something goes wrong (STI or pregnancy) and you have to admit to your parents what you've been up to (or worse, you try and "take care of it" on your own). It's hard enough telling non-fundie parents you're in sexual trouble. And then the pressure to marry your sexual partner, even if you aren't compatible, even if you aren't in love. Ugh. Such a terrible thing for young people.

[slh12280]

I took one of those pledges when I was 12. I didn't fully understand it and plus I had a lot of fear about sex so it was an easy sell. I was the "good" girl that always tried to make everyone happy. I didn't break it until I was in my early twenties but still unmarried. I can say to this day I don't regret my decision despite the fact that the guy was kind of a jerk because I made my own decision rather than just follow what everyone else wanted. Now if I were in the right type of relationship I don't think I would necessarily wait until marriage but until the relationship was developed to that point. They should be talking about consent, respect and communication.

[Trynn]

Imagine how awful it must be to take one of these pledges and be forced to lie about your romantic life (never mind sex life). Still worse, imagine something goes wrong (STI or pregnancy) and you have to admit to your parents what you've been up to (or worse, you try and "take care of it" on your own). It's hard enough telling non-fundie parents you're in sexual trouble. And then the pressure to marry your sexual partner, even if you aren't compatible, even if you aren't in love. Ugh. Such a terrible thing for young people.

This happens ALL THE TIME.

Try being me. I'm asexual but I didn't know it, so when I made the pledge, I thought it was no big deal, whereas everyone else was going on and on about it. It made me wonder why I was so abnormal.

I haven't broken my virginity pledge, but not because of taking it. I just... don't have an interest in sex.

[flojo]

I took one of those pledges when I was 12. I didn't fully understand it and plus I had a lot of fear about sex so it was an easy sell. I was the "good" girl that always tried to make everyone happy. I didn't break it until I was in my early twenties but still unmarried. I can say to this day I don't regret my decision despite the fact that the guy was kind of a jerk because I made my own decision rather than just follow what everyone else wanted. Now if I were in the right type of relationship I don't think I would necessarily wait until marriage but until the relationship was developed to that point. They should be talking about consent, respect and communication.

I was very evangelical/fundie-light until I was about 24/25ish. One of the most freeing things for me was that when I left the church, I discovered my own ownership of my own sexuality.

The irony is that the only person I have had sex with is my husband, but when we started seeing each other it was extremely casual and neither of us expected it to lead to marriage.

[GeoBQn]

Imagine how awful it must be to take one of these pledges and be forced to lie about your romantic life (never mind sex life). Still worse, imagine something goes wrong (STI or pregnancy) and you have to admit to your parents what you've been up to (or worse, you try and "take care of it" on your own). It's hard enough telling non-fundie parents you're in sexual trouble. And then the pressure to marry your sexual partner, even if you aren't compatible, even if you aren't in love. Ugh. Such a terrible thing for young people.

In the first documentary about the Wilsons' Purity Ball, they interviewed a pageant queen who had grown up in the purity culture. When she was 19, she got pregnant by her boyfriend and her parents were going to force them to get married. Before the ceremony could take place, she had a miscarriage, which she took as a sign that she should break the engagement and leave the lifestyle. She has gone on to accomplish wonderful things, but her parents are not interested in maintaining a relationship with her.

[smittykins]

I remember that--isn't her name Jessica? She's much better off without her creepy parents.

[formergothardite]

There is a ton of problems with the teachings that sex without marriage is a horrible sin. Even if you don't end up like the woman in the article, it often saddles anyone raised that way who has sex before marriage with a ton of unnecessary guilt. Of course, many of the "sex is only for marriage" advocates think that is good because the people should be punished for "sinning". :roll: Their response is a lot of times "Well you should feel guilty and ashamed."

[Walking Cat Bed]

I "missed out" on the actual pledge-signing thing (I was still half-culted, and only at the "normal" fundie church for Wednesday youth group; they did their pledges during a Sunday school series). But it was DEFINITELY something I fixated on. To the extent that I was terrified to date (regardless of whether or not I was "allowed") because HE MIGHT WANT TO DO THE SEX.

It's only been in the last few years that the concept of sex hasn't been terrifying. Yeah, I'm 30. WTF, fundie-land.

[utter solitude]

I "missed out" on the actual pledge-signing thing (I was still half-culted, and only at the "normal" fundie church for Wednesday youth group; they did their pledges during a Sunday school series). But it was DEFINITELY something I fixated on. To the extent that I was terrified to date (regardless of whether or not I was "allowed") because HE MIGHT WANT TO DO THE SEX.

It's only been in the last few years that the concept of sex hasn't been terrifying. Yeah, I'm 30. WTF, fundie-land.

Holy shit that is awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Do they honestly not see how this shit affects people?!