Lori Alexander: Let it be ANYTHING but porn...

[Koala]

Maybe it's me, but her reaction seems a little

lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/06/thejoyfilledwifes-husbands-addiction-to.html

 

Quote

Thejoyfilledwife is one wise, young woman. I loved her post Never Defrauding Him Sexually and many of you did also. What many of you don't know is that her husband was addicted to pornography. I asked her to share her story with you since I know it is epidemic among men today in hopes of it helping many of you to know how to help your husband's battle in this cruel bondage ~

 

I don't think I'll forget the date as long as I live. It was Sunday, June 2nd, 2013 when I awoke in a panic, grabbing my phone as the chirp of a new email sounded. I quickly cleared the various texts that had piled up over the past several hours and began to delete the last of my emails. Drawing closer to the final message, I suddenly felt a pit in my stomach sink like a 1,000 pound lead weight. As my eyes fell upon the title of my final email, I knew in my heart that I was about to come face to face with one of my greatest fears in life. It was the weekly Internet accountability report we had subscribed to since we got married four years prior. The title of the email urged me to check the content report of the web sites that had been visited in recent hours, stating that there was cause for concern. Lord, please no...anything but this.

 

With all the courage that I could muster up, I swallowed hard and clicked. In a matter of moments, I felt the air escape from my lungs like a blow to the stomach with a steel pipe. Hours...upon hours...of pornographic image searches. I felt my heart crumble into a million pieces as I sunk my face deep into my pillow to silence my cries. Please, Lord...don't let this be true. But I knew in my heart that this was no mistake.

 

I would be lying if I said that I hadn't battled the urge to send the email straight to the trash without opening it. If I did, perhaps I could pretend I never saw it and go on with life as I knew before. When we go through tragedies, sometimes our first instinct is to pretend it's not happening, especially when we can't make sense of it all, or we want to ask why the Lord would allow us to face such heartbreak. Yet we serve a God who gives us the courage to fight those tragic battles with our head held high and peace in our heart. Peace amidst trials is nonsense to the world and, believe me when I tell you, these tragic times are often the greatest opportunity of our lives to show the world the One who dwells within us. The Lord has called us for such a time as this. If we but keep our hearts set on the promises of His Word that "He will never leave us or forsake us"{Deuteronomy 31:6}, He will use us to impact more hearts that we could imagine. When we choose joy in the midst of our painful circumstances, it is a powerful testimony to those who are watching from the sidelines. And trust me when I say, there are ALWAYS people watching from the sidelines.

 

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

I Peter 3:1,2

 

Although my husband is a believer, I knew it would take an act of the Holy Spirit for him to overcome his addiction and subsequent struggle with anger and control. Still, I Peter 3:1,2 kept rising up in my heart. If unbelieving husbands can be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, could the Lord use me in that same way to help point my believing husband back to Him?

 

Lust is often a lifelong battle for men and we, as wives, can bless our husbands by being their greatest prayer warrior, meeting their physical and emotional needs, being patient with them, and by showing them respect in all areas {unless they ask us to sin}. We serve a God who changes hearts and there is no heart too hard for Jesus to soften. I pray we will allow Him to use us to minister to our husbands in ALL areas. Before I wrap this up, I feel compelled to say something very important to you fellow wives out there who were or are currently facing this same kind of heartbreak in your marriage ~

 

You are beautiful.

You are valuable.

You are precious.

You ARE good enough.

 

Not because of who you are, but because of Who you belong to. You are the daughter of the King. He made you just the way He wanted you and desires to use you to accomplish great things for His Kingdom. Please don't believe the lies of the enemy that tell you if only you were prettier, or taller, or shorter, or thinner, or tanner, or sexier, or better in bed, that your husband wouldn't have made the choices he has.

 

While we ARE responsible to fulfill our wifely role and to not cause our husband temptation through neglect or disrespect, we are NOT responsible for their sin.

 

When our husbands have a stronghold in their lives, the one and ONLY person who can break that bondage is Christ. Cling to Jesus, for He is "the author and perfecter of our faith"{Hebrews 12:2}. Do not give into fear, sweet sisters, for our precious Lord reminds us, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world"{John 16:33}.

 

It was a little over a year ago that I faced the most devastating battle of my life and marriage. The countless tears I have cried the past year from a heartbreak I sometimes questioned being able to survive, have given me a perspective I wouldn't have gained otherwise. Although I prayed for many years that Jesus would strip away the strongholds in my life, I never thought He would do it all at once ~ and while fighting for dear life to just survive another day and not give into feelings of hopelessness. But I have learned so much about the beauty of forgiveness and the power of prayer in the past year and, although I would never want another human being to have to endure what I have, I know that there are countless others out there who are facing this same battle. Please know that you are not alone.

 

Although we will be subject to all kinds of pain and suffering in this life, we serve a faithful and merciful God who desires to use our trials to accomplish His greatest will in us, if we let Him.

 

My relationship with Christ has deepened in ways I never could have imagined since last year. I think of myself as holding on to the bottom of Jesus' robe for dear life as He whisks my heart away to the secret place and covers me with His tenderness and love. Perhaps one of the most important lessons I've learned in all this is that joy is not a feeling, but a choice. I call myself Thejoyfilledwife, not because of what I am, but because of what I am becoming. And all by the grace of God.

 

By the grace of God, my husband is overcoming his addiction and he has told me countless times what a gift my prayers and patience have been through it all. Although he still battles his habits and earthly temptations, we are rebuilding trust every day. God is so faithful to walk beside us down this road.

 

And now, I leave you with the lyrics of a song that ministered to my heart when I began this painful journey a year ago. Our God is so faithful, sisters. Will you grab on to the bottom of His robe with me as we travel this road together? You are cherished and deeply loved. Yes, you.

[chaotic life]

So....she had been getting a weekly report of his internet usage for the four years of their marriage and ONE WEEK he looked at porn and he gets labled has having a porn addiction.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe there is such a thing as a porn addiction. I just don't think it's as common as so many Christians believe it is because there's a HUGE difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. Being addicted means you cannot function in your normal life and opt for porn viewing over and over again over real life, over real sex, etc. Evangelical and fundamentalist Christians label ALL porn viewing as addiction and that's nonsense. I hate the labels men get simply because they look at porn, even if they do it every once in awhile. Heaven forbid if these people found out that women look at porn too.

[Knight of Ni]

Just like one sip of alcohol makes a person an alcoholic. One session of looking at porn makes them addicted to porn.

[kpmom]

Lori wrote;

"Thejoyfilledwife is one wise, young woman. I loved her post Never Defrauding Him Sexually and many of you did also. What many of you don't know is that her husband was addicted to pornography. I asked her to share her story with you since I know it is epidemic among men today in hopes of it helping many of you to know how to help your husband's battle in this cruel bondage ~"

I noticed how gentle Lori is re. this man, and other men, in discussing their porn "addictions". The poor guys, victims of cruel bondage. How can we wives help in this battle?

I'm wondering if Lori would show such gentleness if this was a wife addicted to...whatever.

Of course she wouldn't. She'd be berating this woman, probably Ken would jump in too.

They'd be spouting scripture, telling the woman if she would only submit more this addiction would be gone. They'd be commiserating with the poor hubby who has an addicted wife, rather than a doormat helpmeet.

What jackasses.

[polecat]

Just like one sip of alcohol makes a person an alcoholic. One session of looking at porn makes them addicted to porn.

And one finger brush under the hymnal during the worship service leads to wild, uncontrollable copulation.

(I totally used to finger-touch under the hymnal. Take that, fundies!)

[PennySycamore]

My husband has one of those damn "accountability" programs on his computer. Maybe it's just me, but I think it takes some effort to find real hard core porn on the internet. I can easily find stuff that some people might find objectionable* or soft core (and most of the time not accidentally), but the real thing takes some looking for. You don't just stumble across it. Am I wrong about that? Why can't these guys exercise some self-control?

* Some people find pretty much everything objectionable.

[slickcat79]

So....she had been getting a weekly report of his internet usage for the four years of their marriage and ONE WEEK he looked at porn and he gets labled has having a porn addiction.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe there is such a thing as a porn addiction. I just don't think it's as common as so many Christians believe it is because there's a HUGE difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. Being addicted means you cannot function in your normal life and opt for porn viewing over and over again over real life, over real sex, etc. Evangelical and fundamentalist Christians label ALL porn viewing as addiction and that's nonsense. I hate the labels men get simply because they look at porn, even if they do it every once in awhile. Heaven forbid if these people found out that women look at porn too.

Maybe it's the one week he forgot to deactivate the net nanny :lol: Instead of just admitting that sometimes he likes to look at porn, he blames addiction so he doesn't have to take personal responsibility for betraying his wife's trust. I definitely don't understand the level of the wife's despair, though. Unless he's looking at children or something overwhelmingly violent/extreme, I don't see the big deal.

[Koala]

I won't lie...I think her whining about her "great tragedy" is a fucking slap in the face to those who must face real tragedy. :snooty:

[salex]

Anything but porn.

LIke what? cancer, death, plague, another woman, HIV/Aids, on of your kids being hit by a truck? Another man? kids with multiple women? Anything but porn.

Idiot.

[Koala]

Anything but porn.

LIke what? cancer, death, plague, another woman, HIV/Aids, on of your kids being hit by a truck? Another man? kids with multiple women? Anything but porn.

Idiot.

Exactly.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Why does he need internet accountability software like he is a child on the family computer, whose mother wants to make sure he isn't chatting to strange people on the internet. Arent men supposed to be the strong ones? How come women are the ones with the self control, but men are the headships. If a man could be persuaded to sit around all day wanking if he sees just one boob on the internet, or rape someone if he sees a knee or cleavage, why do we trust them to be in charge of their entire family.

Porn isn't that bad. Loads of people look at porn, and most of them don't get addicted to it. It would be a concern if he was spending hours a day masturbating at internet boobies and ignoring his wife's real boobies, or if he was looking at something illegal and disturbing. But occasional porn use is fine.

[ThisOlGirl]

I'm trying to figure out why two grown adults have to have accountability software on their computer. If you have so little trust in someone maybe you shouldn't be with them.

[Knight of Ni]

"Anything but porn. Please let it be a Neo-Nazi or some other hate group site. Or a site glorifying torturing animals" Because we all know that porn is the absolute worse thing one can access on the internet.

[CrazyCatLady]

Oh shit, I can't stop laughing. I'm SURE many rapists got their start by seeing a knee...

[RosyDaisy]

So, her husband looked at a little porn. All I have to say is that's what you get for being so damn nosy and untrusting.

[Marian the Librarian]

What these people are addicted to, IMNSHO, is drama by the bucketful. And if the business of daily living doesn't provide enough, they will manufacture more. The breathless pearl-clutchiness of posts like these says only that these women have WAY too much time on their hands. :pearlclutch:

[ADoyle90815]

I'm trying to figure out why two grown adults have to have accountability software on their computer. If you have so little trust in someone maybe you shouldn't be with them.

Same here. If someone can't trust the person they're with, maybe they shouldn't stay together.

[Mama Mia]

My husband has one of those damn "accountability" programs on his computer. Maybe it's just me, but I think it takes some effort to find real hard core porn on the internet. I can easily find stuff that some people might find objectionable* or soft core (and most of the time not accidentally), but the real thing takes some looking for. You don't just stumble across it. Am I wrong about that? Why can't these guys exercise some self-control?

* Some people find pretty much everything objectionable.

Really? You must be using some pretty soft words if you aren't coming up with hard core porn, or maybe your search engine is set to "exclude adult websites/images" , that's a common default setting, because otherwise I don't know how you're not finding it, at least if Google is your search engine. There really is a ton of stuff out there, with every possible variation you could think of and about a million more you wouldn't think of :shock:

[Phoebe]

It's just regular, plain ol' porn?

It involves no animals, no children, no nonconsensual activity?

Your husband's penis isn't chafed from constant masturbation, and you're getting laid regularly? Your husband isn't involved with someone(s) else, has not impregnated anyone, not acquired an STI, not molested anyone, hasn't spent retirement funds on a RealDoll, and functions as a full-fledged adult out in society?

Lady, get over yourself!

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[peacelovecoffee]

So....she had been getting a weekly report of his internet usage for the four years of their marriage and ONE WEEK he looked at porn and he gets labled has having a porn addiction.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe there is such a thing as a porn addiction. I just don't think it's as common as so many Christians believe it is because there's a HUGE difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. Being addicted means you cannot function in your normal life and opt for porn viewing over and over again over real life, over real sex, etc. Evangelical and fundamentalist Christians label ALL porn viewing as addiction and that's nonsense. I hate the labels men get simply because they look at porn, even if they do it every once in awhile. Heaven forbid if these people found out that women look at porn too.

Labeling it an "addiction" makes it fixable. There's all sorts of 12 steps, rules to follow, amends made, etc. Jesus will forgive him & he will be cured. Praise Be! In the long run, this is much easier than simply admitting he was looking at porn online because he is a healthy, normal, good ol' All-American man. That just makes it carnal lust & Jesus' Boys are better than that!

[PennySycamore]

Really? You must be using some pretty soft words if you aren't coming up with hard core porn, or maybe your search engine is set to "exclude adult websites/images" , that's a common default setting, because otherwise I don't know how you're not finding it, at least if Google is your search engine. There really is a ton of stuff out there, with every possible variation you could think of and about a million more you wouldn't think of :shock:

I'm just plain not looking for it. I don't have any kind of filter on my computer and I do use google. I frequently go to LGBT websites and also to those related to breastfeeding. I'm not a prude and do often watch videos that might be rated R. I do know that you can find breastfeeding porn if you look for it. I've seen it and I just choose not to look at it and also chose not to seek it out. The one thing I won't go to is shit like Newsmax and WorldNutDaily or anything racist or right-wing. To me that's the real obscenity: not adults having consensual sex.

[clese]

Or she could lighten up know that men are visual creatures watch it with him and be defrauded all night long enjoyably

[Mama Mia]

I'm just plain not looking for it. I don't have any kind of filter on my computer and I do use google. I frequently go to LGBT websites and also to those related to breastfeeding. I'm not a prude and do often watch videos that might be rated R. I do know that you can find breastfeeding porn if you look for it. I've seen it and I just choose not to look at it and also chose not to seek it out. The one thing I won't go to is shit like Newsmax and WorldNutDaily or anything racist or right-wing. To me that's the real obscenity: not adults having consensual sex.

Oh, I didn't mean some kind of software filter people get specifically to screen things out. I meant just on your typical google or other search engines one of the settings on your computer when you search, along with all the other settings, is generally one that screens out most of the porn, so you're less likely to stumble across it. But if you don't have that little checkbox ticked you can get some pretty hardcore stuff without even trying.

[Full enough quiver]

When my daughter was little, she googled her name. Apparently, there is an "actress" with the same name. She got an eyeful, but then closed the window and came and got me. It wasn't a big deal. I thought it was kind of funny.

[FJismyheadship]

Shane

34 minutes ago

My wife is addicted to pornography. Please do not laugh, it is true. I found out when I got our tv bill and realized we had added channels... the porn channels. I turned off our satellite, and then it began on the internet. I would type F on the browser to go to facebook, and the auto fill in on my browser would have a dirty website. I put a password on the computer and on our internet, but I'm afraid she has begun going to her sisters house to watch it. She is always at her sisters since I cut her access off. How should I handle my wifes pornography addiction.

Please do not tell me women cannot be addicted to porn. She wants to try raunchy unbiblical new things in the bedroom. My pastor told me it was impossible for women to be addicted to porn, but clearly she has been watching it. Please help me.