Can Women have Male Friends?

[GenerationCedarchip]

Wow - this blog post was a blast from my fundie past. I remember being lectured ad nauseum about how we should be loving and friendly with our brothers in Christ but that our deepest friendships had to be with other women. If you're too friendly with a guy, then you're probably thinking things that you should only be thinking about your husband, blah, blah, blah...

This author treads down some of those familiar paths - with a few new twists. Somehow she manages to equate being good friends with a guy as part of that dreaded "giving away pieces of your heart." :o

cbmw.org/women/womanhood/can-guys-and-girls-be-friends/

Yes, sometimes opposite sex friendships can get awkward because one party is interested in romance rather than friendship and yes, navigating these things can be complicated. But jeez, complexity and doing wrong are not the same thing!

[lizziesmom]

Not according to When Harry Met Sally.

[freedomjesusfootball]

I hope so, otherwise I have to call up most of my friends and tell them we can't be friends anymore.

[bananacat]

Sometimes it's possible to be friends with someone of a different gender and not be attracted to them. However, it's also possible to find someone attractive and still treat them respectfully and even (gasp!) still be genuine friends with them with no intention of ever having sex with them! I'm friends with plenty of guys, some of whom are quite attractive. I keep it in my pants and treat them like actual people instead of objectifying them. One man I actually considered dating when we first met, and I got to know him better and realized he's not right for me as a boyfriend, but we are still very good friends.

[Jana814]

Not according to When Harry Met Sally.

I was going to say that!

[lawlifelgbt]

That's ridiculous! My "brother" is a male my age; we're in our early-mid 20s and have known each other since we were young teenagers.

We're both engaged. To other people. Yet because both of our SOs live quite far away, he and I spend lots of time together. We go to movies, plays, and nice restaurants one-on-one, but it's just platonic. I also spend time with his family, and confide in him when SO and I argue. We even talk about our sex lives! It is funny though; once, at a bar he often goes to with his girlfriend, the doorman, who knew him, thought he was cheating on her with me!

Then again, I'm gay, so what do I know? I think I'm bi-romantic though, since I can have intense feelings and want to go on dates with either sex. Difference is, I would only want to kiss a woman at the end of the night!

[ThisOlGirl]

I hope so, otherwise I have to call up most of my friends and tell them we can't be friends anymore.

Nope, you have to marry them all!

[salsa]

I was going to say that!

IIRC, the argument between Harry and Sally was whether males and females could be friends and nothing more. In their case, it was true until it got romantic and they got married.

[Childless]

I have a number of male friends. I've had them for years and yet I never dated nor did I marry any of them. I married a guy I had met a mere 9 months before our wedding. Just because someone is of the opposite sex, doesn't mean you will be attracted to them. It doesn't mean they're a good romantic match. I obviously had some connection my husband that was missing with my male friends or I would have ended up with one of them.

This fundie notion that men and women can't be alone with each other without fucking like animals floors me. Do they have no sense of self control? Do they not understand that some people just aren't attracted to each other? Or are their religious and moral beliefs so weak that they need a chaperone to make sure they don't hump everything that walks by on two legs?

[JesusFightClub]

I have an akshul srs question here. What about comrades?

I don't know how to put that in Christianese, so I suppose something like "people that you share a mission with". I have a lot of those and terrifyingly, many are male. Some are both comrades and friends, some are comrades and not friends. Still, the common thing is that we have to work closely together.

Does this mean that single women should never have guy friends? Not at all. It just means that a single woman’s meaningful relationships should come from female friendships.

So how do you decide when a relationship's "meaningful" or not? I would say that a shared bond of comradeship is *more* meaningful than a friendship (and I probably give away more pieces of my heart to comrades than to friends). I've got comrades I don't like very much (or at all) but I would still say my relationship with them is more meaningful than with people who are my mates but who aren't comrades. For a Christian, I would imagine that translates into "fellow Christians".

A single woman is basically setting out her stall and saying "Pieces of my heart here!" so I imagine single blokes with no intentions of marriage aren't really supposed to approach. How does this work when your shared Christianity is supposed to be the deepest bond of all?

[freethemall]

I'm married and have a number of totally platonic male friends, and have always been better at being friends with guys than gals. I imagine though it'd be harder for fundies that are taught that everything is a temptation and so it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy that they may constantly feel tempted.

[tanksmom]

I'm married and have a number of totally platonic male friends, and have always been better at being friends with guys than gals. I imagine though it'd be harder for fundies that are taught that everything is a temptation and so it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy that they may constantly feel tempted.

Ditto for me. I've never acted like a stereotypical "female" so my whole life I've found it easier to mesh with the opposite sex. Some I've been attracted to but they weren't into me, some were into me but I wasn't into them. Some who I've hooked up with once or twice but it never became a thing because both parties involved realized that we weren't a good couple but filled a need that existed at the time.

That doesn't diminish the love I feel for my spouse and he knows that he has nothing to fear from my contact with my friends. Trust...it's a wonderful thing!

[bea]

Good Lord. That old argument?

The new version of it is the "emotional affair," which someone (oddly, related to some semi-fundie group) published a book about in the last few years. If you share ANYTHING with an opposite-sex friend, you're emotionally cheating on your spouse. For example, my husband is bored to tears by my involvement with the neighborhood crime watch and neighborhood association. So my co-president of the neighborhood association (a MAN) is the person I talk to about that topic, and a local police sergeant (A MAN) is the person I talk to about crime issues. They're both friends of mine, too, so we don't just stick to those topics. According to this emotional affair bullshit, I'm cheating on my husband with these guys because I share thing with them that I don't share with my husband.

Crazypants.

[Dysfundamental]

I do think that there are such things as "emotional affairs", in which people who have committed to monogamy with someone else get romantically enmeshed with someone other than their partners, often with a heavy dose of "my wife/husband doesn't understand me, but YOU are my SOUL MATE" but with no physical intimacy.

That said, I agree with bea that much of what's written about this is nonsense, and people of all genders can be friends and friendly acquaintances and activity partners.

[bea]

Anytime you start referring to someone as your SOULMATE, you're probably crossing the line, even if you're not actually touching the other person.

Oooh, is this like Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his junk to some random girl and sexting her as well? Because that, I don't care if you never even MEET, that counts as sleazy even if not technically cheating. Also, yuck.

[bananacat]

Anytime you start referring to someone as your SOULMATE, you're probably crossing the line, even if you're not actually touching the other person.

Oooh, is this like Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his junk to some random girl and sexting her as well? Because that, I don't care if you never even MEET, that counts as sleazy even if not technically cheating. Also, yuck.

The bigger objection to Weiner's sexting is that the recipients didn't want the pictures to be sent to them. Everyone seems to forget about that non-consensual aspect of it.

[Dysfundamental]

The bigger objection to Weiner's sexting is that the recipients didn't want the pictures to be sent to them. Everyone seems to forget about that non-consensual aspect of it.

That was true for the first sexting episode (which prompted his resignation from Congress, and rightly so).

His second sexting episode, which came to light during his run for Mayor of New York, was apparently fully consensual, which good for him, but completely ridiculous (including his nom du sext of "Carlos Danger").

Dude needs treatment.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Honestly, while I believe it's possible because I have female friends with close male friends who are straight, but my male friends are casual. Any time I get closer, they try to make it sexual. I think maybe it will change with age.

[walnut]

Honestly, while I believe it's possible because I have female friends with close male friends who are straight, but my male friends are casual. Any time I get closer, they try to make it sexual. I think maybe it will change with age.

I don't know what is your current age, but it will not.

That's exactly what I was hoping when I was 18. They will fake friendship and "deep conversations" - for a while... until they think they have provided you with enough fake kindness and attention to get in your pants - and then, you'll find yourself as the b*tch in the nice guy got friendzoned story. In the one hundred eleventy gazillionth friendzoned nice guy story. Them complaining about how they didn't get the sex they earned by faking niceness for a short while, which is a tough job, ya know!

Have gay friends, that's what I do. Never disappointed.

[alysee]

I do have male friends now but they are mostly couple friends. I grew up with the belief that men and women shouldn't hang out with each other. To this day, I still feel weird and awkward and unsure of what to say to them since it's not something I grew up with.

[walnut]

You are a lucky person. I grew up wanting to believe that someone will appreciate me as a friend without wanting to get into my panties, or even thinking about it. But then again, maybe I was hanging around with some shitty dudes and I wanted to see them for something they weren't.

[lilwriter85]

There are some non-fundie types who have issues with women having male friends. My boyfriend has a close female friend and her in-laws don't like that she has several male friends.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

I don't know what is your current age, but it will not.

That's exactly what I was hoping when I was 18. They will fake friendship and "deep conversations" - for a while... until they think they have provided you with enough fake kindness and attention to get in your pants - and then, you'll find yourself as the b*tch in the nice guy got friendzoned story. In the one hundred eleventy gazillionth friendzoned nice guy story. Them complaining about how they didn't get the sex they earned by faking niceness for a short while, which is a tough job, ya know!

Have gay friends, that's what I do. Never disappointed.

I am about to turn 30. ... and you are right, there is no way it will change lol, that was silly of me.

Yeah, get sick of being called a "tease" so male friends are sadly always at arm's length.

[latraviata]

I'm married and have a number of totally platonic male friends, and have always been better at being friends with guys than gals. I imagine though it'd be harder for fundies that are taught that everything is a temptation and so it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy that they may constantly feel tempted.

Same here.

[J'ean Skirt]

One of my good friends is male. I do, occasionally, use him as a "my husband is driving me nuts" outlet, and he does the same about his wife. But I don't have any feelings for him, other than a buddy and someone to talk to. I'm friends with his SO and he's friends with mine, so it's not like some big secret.

I can't ever see our relationship going anywhere other than friends.

I have had an online emotional affair with someone (before I was married and ending when I met the SO, dropped the other guy like a hot potato - but we both knew this wasn't a long term thing). This... is not the same.