Ian Update

[salex]

Walking Sort of.

prayforian.com/

In the blog I found this line (it is from a while back)

"Istart to get upset about the small things in life and then i think of you guys and i'm filled with gratefulness for all that i have."

i know what they're trying to say. but what they're trying to say is not what i hear.

"sometimes i think my life is hard but then i think about you and realize that you have it much worse than me. then that makes me grateful for all of the prosperity i have in my own life because at least my life isn't as bad as yours."

that's what i hear.

Actually, that is what they are saying. And what they mean. It is like "I wept because I had no shoes until I saw the man with no feet" which is based on "Wow, thank god I"m better off than that."

Yes, Ian's wife. Your life is seen by others as a inspirational in large part because your life sucks in the eyes of many and makes much of our basic lives seem much more workable in comparison.

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

This blog always depresses me. Such a sad life.

[lilwriter85]

I agree, the Ian and Larissa blog depresses me too. I do wonder if she will get her book published. The Ben and Katie blog is depressing at times.

[formergothardite]

It is a super depressing blog.

[fun2beme]

I've read her blog a few times. It seems like such a cry for help. I truly worry for her sometimes.

[niagarahauls]

I can't imagine anyone wanting to read an entire book about their story. A few blog entries and I'm terribly depressed (do we have a holding gun to my head smilie?). At least Larissa is aware of the effect she has on others.

[chaotic life]

I hadn't read her blog in almost two years. Still just as depressing. She claims Ian doesn't have the mental capacity of an 8 year old. However, I see no actual actual testing to confirm or deny that theory. If Ian himself talks as much as she claims, then having a mental function test done on him should be a simple matter at this point.

I think she's afraid of the answers she'll get.

Also, his therapy paintings. Wow. I've seen TBI patients who can tap into amazing artistic talent. Clearly, Ian is not one of those. I suspect their friends and family are purchasing those at $45 each to fund his therapy. Why are they paying for therapy out of pocket? He must have SSDI and Medicare? The only reason insurance would refuse to pay for continued therapy is if they deemed him unable to progress at this point.

Joni Eareckson Tada paints with her MOUTH due to her neck injury as a teen and manages to create actual art joniandfriends.org/store/category/joni-s-art/

What I see is not inspiration but guilt. Over and over again, she says that Ian would not have left her. She truly doesn't know that. I am deeply creeped out that he refers to her as "my wifey." If indeed Ian speaks well enough and uses this term for her instead of her name, it is the cardinal mark of an abuser. I don't believe Ian has the mental capacity to be abusive per se. However, I don't see any evidence that he has the mental ability to see Larissa as anything but an extension of him and his own desires either.

[NurseNell]

The 20 second walking video is scary. I'm afraid she's going to end up injured because she is basically holding him upright with the transfer belt. He is going to take her down with him one time. I cannot even imagine her life. It would have been one thing had they already been married when he had his accident but they weren't. She could be having a different life by now, and likelier a happier one.

[sadie673]

I have read her blog and it just makes me sad. I totally feel that she was guilted into marrying him by his family and that is ridiculously unfair to her. She has basically sacrificed everything...and for what?

[salex]

The 20 second walking video is scary. I'm afraid she's going to end up injured because she is basically holding him upright with the transfer belt. He is going to take her down with him one time. I cannot even imagine her life. It would have been one thing had they already been married when he had his accident but they weren't. She could be having a different life by now, and likelier a happier one.

That is what I thought as well. I believe that somewhere she has to believe he is getting better, or really is better, than he appears to be. And maybe the book needs a "happy ending" where she can report how much progress he is making. But nothing on the blog ever shows promise--not this walking video, not the paintings, and not all the quotes of him being verbose and using a reasonable vocabulary, but NO videos of it. I know, they have nothing to prove to me, but it comes across as a very sad life filled with wishful thinking and projection.

[Effie]

I think she desperately needs to believe that he's getting better. That's probably the only thing keeping her from having a break-down. I wonder if she ever does anything for herself. Does she go to therapy?

I hope that an awesome person will enter her life one day. Someone who will make her realize that her first priority should be herself, her needs, health and mental well-being.

[latraviata]

This blog always depresses me. Such a sad life.

Yes it is. Has the marriage been consumated?

[Lainey]

I hadn't heard of this before, but had a look due to this thread. Holy crap, it really is incredibly depressing. I didn't read much, but from the little I read, I got the sense that she married him out of a sense of obligation. I watched a bit of the wedding video, and it did not seem like he was in any shape to get married.

I really feel for her.

[Vex]

I watched their wedding video and all I could think were two things:

1. This feels really wrong

2. This looks like such a hipster wedding

I am really leery about this relationship. I understand they were engaged before his accident, but how does she know he would have gone through with the wedding if it were her? How does she know his feelings on this? Maybe if he were able to express himself he wouldn't have wanted her to go through with the wedding. How can they have an equal partnership when he has the mental capacity of a child? I haven't read through the whole blog so I don't have a sense of who she is as a person but I really hope this isn't one of those things where she goes through with it because some sense of superiority and righteousness as a Christian. I can't imagine that IS the case, because who would ever be fucked up enough to dedicate their life to a mentally handicapped person by choice for life just so they can prove what a great Christian they are?

It's very sad and kind of unsettling. Mentally handicapped people absolutely need and deserve love, but I'm not sure this really benefited anyone and it's clearly caused her a lot of pain and hardship. It does feel like she NEEDS to see improvement where there might not be any.

[chaotic life]

Larissa and Ian's family mutually benefit from this situation. Larissa is a permanent martyr for her faith and they have a lifelong, captive caregiver for Ian. Together they build this living memorial of who he *was* and can tell themselves he will be again.

Where I have a serious, creeped out problem is the fact that the person who holds legal guardianship over him states she is infact having sex with him. I guess they would argue that the judge blessed it so it's okay. However, I see consent as dynamic and someone who lacks legal mental capacity can neither grant nor revoke such consent.

[ILoveJellybeans]

I am somewhat creeped out by the idea of someone having sex with someone with the mental capacity of an 8 year old. It just seems like a very unequal pairing.

[fun2beme]

I am somewhat creeped out by the idea of someone having sex with someone with the mental capacity of an 8 year old. It just seems like a very unequal pairing.

And considering that marriages aren't valid unless consummated, I wonder if his family encouraged her into thinking that Ian is more mentally advanced than he really is. That would add to her guilt and cement her role as his permanent caregiver. I really hope that isn't the case though, makes me feel squicky thinking about it.

[latraviata]

Larissa and Ian's family mutually benefit from this situation. Larissa is a permanent martyr for her faith and they have a lifelong, captive caregiver for Ian. Together they build this living memorial of who he *was* and can tell themselves he will be again.

Where I have a serious, creeped out problem is the fact that the person who holds legal guardianship over him states she is infact having sex with him. I guess they would argue that the judge blessed it so it's okay. However, I see consent as dynamic and someone who lacks legal mental capacity can neither grant nor revoke such consent.

So, so true!!!!

[Effie]

I thought they weren't even engaged before the accident. Am I wrong here?

What, they are having sex? Is that outright stated? I didn't even think that was possible. Gosh, this is such a mess. I mean, Ian comes across more like her child than her husband... except for that part: the sex then. And I don't know, if a person is like a child in almost all aspects, then how can that person consent to sex? In Sweden you can't legally consent to sex if you are under 15, because according to research (which our law is built on) you can't understand the full width of what a consent means before then. You simply don't have that emotional and intellectual maturity. Yet, here we have someone who is far from a 15-year-old in mental capacity, yet is supposed to be able to understand as much? Sorry I'm just trying to wrap my head around this, therefore the irrelevant law example from here.

[lilwriter85]

I thought they weren't even engaged before the accident. Am I wrong here?

What, they are having sex? Is that outright stated? I didn't even think that was possible. Gosh, this is such a mess. I mean, Ian comes across more like her child than her husband... except for that part: the sex then. And I don't know, if a person is like a child in almost all aspects, then how can that person consent to sex? In Sweden you can't legally consent to sex if you are under 15, because according to research (which our law is built on) you can't understand the full width of what a consent means before then. You simply don't have that emotional and intellectual maturity. Yet, here we have someone who is far from a 15-year-old in mental capacity, yet is supposed to be able to understand as much? Sorry I'm just trying to wrap my head around this, therefore the irrelevant law example from here.

IIRC, they were on some kind of pre-engagment status. They had been thinking about marriage and Ian had been working a second job to get more money for an engagement ring. I get the feeling that Ian's family used those details in keeping Larissa around. I think it was several months back or a year ago that Larissa did some blog posting in which she said that they have sex. In that blog posting, I recall Larissa looked up their wedding video on youtube or vimeo and she saw comments from people wondering if they have sex.

[Lainey]

Oh god, that's so wrong. The marriage video squicked me out because he didn't seem to have the mental capacity to get married. I'm not sure how she can, in good conscience, have sex with him.

Where did you get the impression that his family pushed this on her? If so, then they are evil, period. They've guilted her into ruining her life. I feel unbearably sorry for her. I did notice that she said he was in the accident when he was driving to a job so that he could buy her a ring.

Basically, I think she married him entirely out of guilt and obligation, because that's what she thinks/has been told a "good Christian" would do.

[chaotic life]

Larissa and Ian are part of a fundie-lite church that nevertheless observes strict courtship and betrothal patterns versus what secular society would call dating. Larissa and Ian were beyond courting and were formally betrothed at the point of his accident.

In the video interviews and many, many other times and places, Larissa has said over and over again that Ian's father Steve is the reason they married. Steve told Larissa she needed to either move forward with marrying Ian as she had promised, or to move on with her life and leave him. She said if Ian could talk to her and tell her that was what HE still wanted, then she would do it. Then, Steve died of cancer and suddenly Ian was "talking" to her and telling her this was his desire. Steve died in February and they married on his birthday in August. Then, in order for the marriage to be legally valid, they had to go before a judge and prove it was in Ian's best interest, because he is no longer legally authorized to make his own consent.

Larissa says it is because of the TBI but she's not entirely honest. It is because Ian was found to be WITHOUT CAPACITY. The way to reverse that is to have mental function tests done to prove that while his body is still deficient, his mental capabilities are those of a legal adult now and no one would have ANY ability to have legal authority over him. If they had established his mental capacities, then the judge would not have needed to approve their marriage as in Ian's best interest but would have terminated whomever had legal guardianship over him.

As for whether they are having sex, in the same post where she asserts that Ian does NOT have the mental capacity of an eight year old, based upon her word and what she claims Ian says TO HER, she also says emphatically that YES they ARE having sex.

I assume that Larissa is Ian's legal guardian now. So, I guess she gives consent for both of them, but Ian does NOT have the capacity to give or revoke consent for a sexual relationship with her. Quite frankly, if this were not masked by the legalistic and entrapping religious façade, it would be quite easy that this is a case of abuse of the disabled. I can think of no other situation where it would be inspirational and okay to marry someone without capacity, gain legal guardianship over them and have sexual relations with them. If Larissa had a TBI and Ian were doing this, everyone would call that rape. How is it different because she is female?

[chaotic life]

November 3, 2012:

but, i can't help but feel the need to clear up two things, as maybe my lack of clearing them up has confused some people. ian does not have the mentality of an eight year old (an eight year old could not have given the answer of "stool pigeon" during a round of taboo last night) and yes, we do have sex.

If he has mental capacity, then have testing done and declare him competent. Remove the legal authority someone holds over him as it is no longer needed. Until he is mentally competent, having sex with him IS non-consensual, by legal definition. Were this a man with a TBI woman we would have no problems calling it rape, for very good reason.

[Vex]

I guess I'm glad it benefits Ian in that he gets a lifelong caretaker, but if she WANTED to be a martyr that is selfish. Still, that pales in comparison to the fact she's presumably using her legal guardianship to 'consent' to sex for him. That would absolutely be called rape if the genders were reversed. An erection doesn't imply consent. She really needs to allow those mental capacity tests but from what I've read and what people have said that won't be happening.

[NurseNell]

I didn't remember that it was such a long time between the accident and their marriage. This is what she says:

It took Ian two and a half years to use his voice again after the accident. That’s what we had been waiting for. I didn’t want to marry Ian if he couldn’t talk to me. If we could communicate, we could be married. Once he started talking, he was able to communicate to his dad that he still wanted marriage. His dad passed away two months before Ian proposed, but he was a huge advocate for us and encouraged us to make a decision—either to walk away or get married. He didn’t want to see us dating forever.

- See more at: http://darlingmagazine.org/the-dreamer- ... UeZTL.dpuf