Question about child sexual abuse

[2xx1xy1JD]

Have you and your sister each had counselling?

I'm wondering if any part of her current issues is related to her wondering, even on a subconscious level, why she was not worthy of her parents' love and protection.

Part of what both of you would need to work through is that your parents may have loved you in their way - but for whatever reason, failed to physically and emotionally protect your sister. Part of it may have been cluelessness, part of it may have been an inability to fully empathize with your sister, part of it may have been an unwillingness to admit that someone that allowed into their lives and who may have come across as a normal person was actually so harmful. Your parents may not have meant harm, but they were flawed human beings. It has nothing to do with you or your sister, and you were both powerless to change what happened.

Since they are deceased, the most that you can do is say, "they may have loved, but they were flawed and made some really big mistakes that hurt us," and then examine what could have been done differently or what harmful patterns of thought remain, so that you can each change any of those patterns and do better in your own lives.

[Arete]

I know we say that adults do not consider children fully functional and autonomous human beings and there is a lot of truth in that, but I think the attitude of "what would the neighbors say" trumps all. I know adults who have confronted their parents over unacceptable behaviors. The most prominent recently is a near 50 year old man who has told his mother that he is cutting off relations with his father after a lifetime of abuse. The father is a publically acknowledged wife beater, and this man has been trying to get his mother to safety for over two decades. His mother cannot be bothered with saving her own life, but now she is refusing to speak to her son because of the "disrespect and shame" he has supposedly brought on his family. Other family members acknowledge what is going on, but say its nothing new and that the son should ease his mother's burden by not making public waves. As far as they are concerned, if the mother won't leave the situation, the son is obligated not to rock the boat further.

This has to be at least in part a generational thing. A lot of older people believe that molesters, wife beaters, and overall shitty human beings are things that can't happen in "good" families. I suspect this was at least in part what was going on with your parents. If they were "good" people, they could not have been able to befriend a bad person. I think we are now much better at acknowledging that if our walls could talk, they would tell us things about the best of families that were bad or tragic. People, good people, will often go to great lengths to keep their facades intact.

[Austin]

I agree with you isarhenne about people thinking that children are not fully functioning. When I divorced and my son and me were really struggling, I had thought I had protected him from the worst of his father's bipolar illness. I should have left earlier but I had been trained to believe that marriage was forever. I dated briefly afterward but that man's immaturity impacted my son as well so I finally wised up and decided to have no men in my son's life until he was grown. Lucky that my son expresses himself (he has a very strong personality, he has never put up anything, and he is often right in his opinions.) I do listen to him and hear him out.

I have one more year and then I can date again so if I make a huge blunder it's on me. I know it's an extreme attitude but I realized that even I in my wisdom could have blinders on as well. Before the immature guy, I went out with a guy who had a collection of films about young Asian men who were just coming of age. I confronted the guy on it and remarked that his movie preferences and some of the things he said looked really bad to a mom with a then 12-year-old son and it was one of the reasons the guy was dropped by me. So now when I date if I make an error in choosing a man, it's on me only.

I don't personally believe your decision is extreme at all. I enormously respect it, in fact, and wish more people would give it serious consideration.