It seems sad to me how desperate fundies are to get pregnant

[0 kids n not countin]

From Amy Joy (Corner of Joy) Blog:

I understand wanting to get pregnant, but come on, it's hardly been a week and you're ready to tell everyone (how about perhaps making an appointment with your doctor first)? Yes, yes, I know, the fundie mentality, sigh...

Monday, September 24, 2012

Hello and Goodbye: A Miscarriage Story

My husband and I have been hoping to get pregnant for so long now that I was beginning to think it would never happen.It seemed like pregnancy tests were just not meant to have 2 line, at least not when I took them.

Then last week my period was a day late. My period is always perfectly on time, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. After 5 minutes, 2 lines showed but one of them was so faint I couldn't tell if it was just a trick of the light or something. Well, what did that mean!? I knew that even a faint line means pregnancy but this one was so faint I felt it couldn't mean anything.

So I decided to check my temperature the next morning. I charted my body temperature for a few months earlier this year just to get a feel for my ovulation dates, etc. Sure enough, my temperature was high still, meaning that I was probably pregnant. But typical me, I needed "real" confirmation.

So after work on Monday I stopped at the store and got one of those expensive digital tests that has the fool-proof words on it "pregnant" or "not pregnant"

And the fool-proof test was worth every penny because it gave me what the other test didn't:

It was amazing! I was freaking out, laughing and hugging my husband. I just never thought it would happen, honestly.

All last week I was so excited, thinking about how great it will be when our baby arrives next May. I told a few of my closest girl friends who knew of our struggles and I relished in their excitement. We planned to tell my family the last weekend of September when we were visiting them, but we were going to tell my husband's family this last weekend. My husband and I drove to see them so that my husband and his brother could go on their annual golf trip and I would help with the twins and spend time with my sister-in-law. We told them we were expecting and they were so excited for us. Our baby would only be a year younger than the twins, so they could still be close.

Then Saturday I noticed a little brownish blood. I immediately googled it on my phone (very scientific, I know) and it said that a little blood is ok, but if it bright red or if you need a pad, that is the bad point.

So all day I was on pins and needles. I tried to just enjoy my time with the twins, who are so delightful, but in my heart I knew what was happening. I continued to have a little blood all day, then by Saturday night it had turned into a lot of blood. I had lost the baby.

I came out of the bathroom and asked my sister-in-law for some pads. She was probably the perfect person for me to be with at that moment. She had had difficulties getting pregnant and knew just how I felt. She reassured me that at least now I know I can get pregnant, and that is half the battle. She also reminded me that miscarriage is often a blessing in disguise, as it means something was probably not developing right with the baby.

I stayed surprisingly calm and called my husband to tell him what happened. My rock of a husband who never cries got teary eyed on the other end of the phone and tried to reassure me. He asked me if he should come back home but I told him to stay, as there was nothing he could do and it was late.

I went to bed that night and knew what I had to do. I knew it was time to talk to God, but I also knew that that would probably be the end of my calmness. God has always been my closest confidant, even when I fell away from Christianity in my late teens. I laid down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling and said out loud "I'm not mad at you". And the tears came pouring then. I repeated that over and over, reminding myself and God.

Then, because I didn't have the words, I sang. The first song that came to my mind was Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. It's the only song I know by that band, but I love it. And I cried the entire time I sang

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

God is the sovereign ruler of our lives, and whether the sun in shining or the storms are brewing, he is still sovereign. Nothing that happens in our lives, no matter how bad, changes the fact that he is and always will be the God of this world. One of my favorite sayings is "the only thing you can control is your attitude". God is in control, my only control is over my attitude through what he brings.

One of the chapters in our financial seminar was about making sure that God is our security, not our stuff, not other people, etc. We need to make sure that should God choose to take away things in our lives, from our families to our situations, we still have our security in the Lord. When we put our security in our spouses, in our children, in our money, or in our jobs, we risk falling to pieces if those things are taken from us. It's the parable of the houses: are you going to build on sand or on rock?

I was so comforted knowing that God is in control, and God is good. Am I sad I lost my baby? Very. But knowing that the result is a test of my faith in God and his control has been priceless.

So as the tears stopped falling, I took a deep breath and prayed. I acknowledged to God that I accept what he has allowed to happen, and that I hope he will bless me again.

Then in typical God style, a song I haven't heard or sung in years popped into my mind. Point of Grace's All in All:

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your name

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your name

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek

You are my all in all

Seeking You as a precious jewel

Lord, to give up I'd be a fool

You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your name

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame

Rising again I bless Your name

You are my all in all

When I fall down You pick me up

When I am dry You fill my cup

You are my all in all

I cried again as I sang this song. Typical God, putting my focus on himself in the middle of my crises. And you know, by the end of the last verse my tears had stopped. I felt ten times better. God knew how to comfort me so much better than I did. In the past, when I didn't lean on God as much, this pity-party would have lasted quite a while, but my faith was proven this weekend as I saw God's love pour out and comfort me so quickly and so thoroughly.

My husband came home early the next day and drove me home. I was sore and tired from little sleep, but as we drove I told him about my time with God and he just looked over and me and said "It amazes me how you are turning this situation around and looking toward God". So another good thing has come out of this, as I was able to witness to my husband. And he just squeezed my hand and said something he says all the time "what does it say above our door?"

This wall sticker is on the wall above our bedroom door and it is usually one of the first things I see in the morning:

Could anything be more true than that?

[sparkles]

When your entire sense of self-worth and reason for living is dependent upon how many blessings you can shoot out of your nether regions, it stands to reason that you would live or die by the pee stick.

[lizziesmom]

When your entire sense of self-worth and reason for living is dependent upon how many blessings you can shoot out of your nether regions, it stands to reason that you would live or die by the pee stick.

Exactly. :( :(

[samurai_sarah]

I cried again as I sang this song. Typical God, putting my focus on himself in the middle of my crises.

Her deity sounds quite selfish to me, crying "what about meee?" at an emotional time like that.

[Jana814]

Exactly. :( :(

Agree!! You said what I want to say. Also many of these women feel that if they do not get pregnant on the wedding nights then their something wrong with them

[Claddagh]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a family but doing all that the very moment you believe you might be expecting is extreme.

When Mom was expecting me she waited until the three month mark before telling anyone.

As regular as anyone may be sometimes you are a day or a week off when it comes to Aunt Flo.

When your entire sense of self-worth and reason for living is dependent upon how many blessings you can shoot out of your nether regions, it stands to reason that you would live or die by the pee stick.

I find it sad.

[0 kids n not countin]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a family but doing all that the very moment you believe you might be expecting is extreme.

This.

Well said.

Also, now that she's quitting her job at the end of this month, she'll probably be even more obsessed with getting pregnant ASAP.

[browngrl]

I think that it is sad whenever anyone - not just a fundie - ties up their entire self worth into getting pregnant. Unfortunately, I see many women like this (I work in a fertility clinic). Sometimes I just can't believe what these women are wiling to do/pay to get pregnant. When I see these women for yet another endovaginal ultrasound they just seem so sad and desperate. I can only image the stress they are under.

This being said, am I missing something? She had some bleeding so she assumed she lost the baby? If I was her doctor I would send her for an ultrasound and serum HCG level ASAP. I see lots of women who have had bleeds and the baby is fine - so it is worth confirming the viability of the embryo.

[ADoyle90815]

I think that it is sad whenever anyone - not just a fundie - ties up their entire self worth into getting pregnant. Unfortunately, I see many women like this (I work in a fertility clinic). Sometimes I just can't believe what these women are wiling to do/pay to get pregnant. When I see these women for yet another endovaginal ultrasound they just seem so sad and desperate. I can only image the stress they are under.

This being said, am I missing something? She had some bleeding so she assumed she lost the baby? If I was her doctor I would send her for an ultrasound and serum HCG level ASAP. I see lots of women who have had bleeds and the baby is fine - so it is worth confirming the viability of the embryo.

This. That happened with my SIL who still went on to have my niece after some early bleeding. I also think it's sad when a woman views her worth on her fertility and ability to push out as many "blessings" as they can before their bodies shut down the factory due to menopause. I do think fundie women are often like the man in the flood story, they don't recognize the signs God is sending them that their quiver is so full, they can't squeeze another arrow in it.

[rezski44]

I have a friend who miscarried one baby of a twin pregnancy but the other baby went on to be born. Her doctor had elected to not do a D&C after the miscarriage which is sometimes done. I also had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in between my sons after a year of trying which meant to me that at least I could get pregnant again which I did a month later. My older son just told me he remembered it and he was only 2 at the time. I had assumed he wouldn't remember as he was so young but he told me he was upset as he had been asking for a sibling. And by the way I bled with all 3 pregnancies so you should always get checked and not make assumptions.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I'm not a fundie, but I was plenty loopy following my miscarriages. Emotional reactions aren't always subject to logic.

I'll just disagree with the medical bit, though. I had tons of bright red bleeding during my 5th preg, which resulted in my healthy 10 year old daughter. OTOH, 2 of my miscarriages were "missed miscarriages", with little to no bleeding. You can't tell much without blood tests and/or ultrasound.

[ExCatholic]

Sometimes for fun I replace the word God in these posts with regular names, like John. Try reading it that way. Suddenly John is this jerk who wants her to sing about him while she is miscarrying. Praise be to John, for mighty is his name and dickish are his ways.

[Haligh the Liar]

It sounds like this happened within days of the expected start of her period- how pregnant could she have been at that point? Other than fundies, the only people I know of who tested the day after their period was due are friends who REALLY didn't want a baby, and had had an oops moment sometime in the past month.

[NurseNell]

It isn't just fundies, I know lots of women who can't wait to get pregnant. I got married at 25, which in 1970 was older than the average bride. We did not want to wait to have children, even with my DH having 4 years of college, then 4 years of medical school ahead of us. There weren't OTC pregnancy tests then or I'd have gone through a boatload. We ended up never having a bio child. It was a hard pill to swallow.

The only difference in our case is we weren't fundies, my whole identity wasn't built around having babies. So in that sense I think it can be more difficult for them but I cried more than my share of tears.

[NurseNell]

Agree!! You said what I want to say. Also many of these women feel that if they do not get pregnant on the wedding nights then their something wrong with them

In fairness to her, she's 25, a college graduate, and she's been married 18 months. She's the same age I was when I got married, and we tried for a pregnancy from day one.

Edited to add: She's had an interesting like. She's lived in Finland, Brazil, and Turkey. I don't know how long she lived in Finland but she lived 1 year in Brazil and 2 years in Turkey. She studied the Muslim religion. She's not the typical fundie. She's probably more fundie-lite.

[MrsKay]

GirlKay and ToddlerKay both started as twin pregnancies. When GirlKay's twin didn't make it, I had some light spotting; when ToddlerKay's twin didn't make it, I bled as much as I did after giving birth for the first time, and it went on and off for a few weeks. I was shocked every time they did an ultrasound and showed me ToddlerKay wiggling around. I've miscarried many times, and never bled like I did then. I won't be self-diagnosing a miscarriage again after that.

It is pretty common for fertility patients to get as caught up as fundies do. We tried for over 5 years for ToddlerKay, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. My self-esteem was totally in the gutter - I was the one who had the problem, so I blamed myself. I'm so glad that I got away from the fundie Kool-Aid after the first couple of years. I can't imagine how much of a wreck I would have been if I still believed my entire self-worth depended on being able to carry a child to term. It was bad enough even without that kind of pressure.

[desertvixen]

I came out of the bathroom and asked my sister-in-law for some pads. She was probably the perfect person for me to be with at that moment. She had had difficulties getting pregnant and knew just how I felt. She reassured me that at least now I know I can get pregnant, and that is half the battle. She also reminded me that miscarriage is often a blessing in disguise, as it means something was probably not developing right with the baby.

At her sister in law sounds a little more "with it", for lack of a better term.

But it sounds like she just had a late period.

I had one of the early miscarriages like that, only I actually passed some tissue that tripped me off - but my whole life wasn't about getting pregnant, so it was just kind of an "oh" moment. To be fair, though, I can't really judge the people who are dealing with infertility because it was ridiculously easy for me to get pregnant.