CJane (Nie's sis) on domestic violence

[Beeks]

This is being discussed in the GOMI forums but I thought FJers might have a unique perspective on it as well. CJane, nienie's sister, has hinted around about her abusive relationship with her ex husband in the past. Today she posted about how her upbringing contributed to her basically seeking out an abusive man as her partner.

cjanekendrick.com/2012/09/life-story-sexy-modest.html

So when I turned nineteen years old, I had a very clear vision of everything. And though it promised my total happiness, I was in such a dark, lonely, medicated place at nineteen years old.  I promised myself my existence would be better as soon as I met the boy who would own me. He would own all of my choices and all of the consequences and I could just be obedient. I wouldn't be complete until I met him.

And so you can imagine my relief when I met that boy one day during Speech and Drama class. I walked into class wearing my requisite tight skirt (but long) and watched his eyes travel up and down my body. The relief I found in thinking I finally found my owner, the man who held my destiny. The thrill I felt when he confessed to hitting his former girlfriend with a pool stick when she said things he didn't like.

Edited to break link

[hoipolloi]

Is this sister also called Courtney? If so, she was a mainstay for nienie during the long hospitalization & recovery processes. In fact, IIRC, Courtney also looked after 3 of the 4 Neilson children during the parents' recoveries. Just finished reading nie's memoir which is, unfortunately, already returned to library so can't check details.

This caught my eye in the linked blog entry:

...I came to interpret a pressing theme inside my upbringing : I was to be a wife and mother -as soon as possible- and in order to achieve this, I was to be as sexy as possible. Without messing with my chastity.

The blueprint for my wifehood and motherhood was found in sparkling photographs of Martha Stewart enterprise. I believed a successful woman looked like ironed sheets of high-ranged thread count, painted walls in organic colors and monthly parties with themes and color schemes. To please everyone in my life, I would marry as young as possible, have babies in succession and live in the dreams of professional domestic stylists.

This is pretty much nie's life philosophy, as described in the memoir. Irony much?

[Beeks]

Is this sister also called Courtney? If so, she was a mainstay for nienie during the long hospitalization & recovery processes. In fact, IIRC, Courtney also looked after 3 of the 4 Neilson children during the parents' recoveries. Just finished reading nie's memoir which is, unfortunately, already returned to library so can't check details.

This caught my eye in the linked blog entry:

This is pretty much nie's life philosophy, as described in the memoir. Irony much?

Yep, CJane is Courtney, who took 3 of the kids during the crash aftermath when her own baby was an infant. I think NieNie bought into the whole Utah Mormon culture hook line and sinker (pretty, stylish, married at 19, no college, sahm mom to many, etc)....CJane not so much (divorced, struggles with body image, infertility, etc). CJane seems to constantly struggle against her culture and almost has to twist the religious teachings to fit her own values. I would jot be shocked if her left the church eventually, though with her huge Mormon family I'm sure the pressure to stay us pretty overwhelming.

[HomegirlRuby]

I am new here and dont mean to hijack your topic - but I have a link I would like to share that has the same topic. This fundie's husband beat the crap out of her, found jesus, and apparently all is perfect now. When some commentors mentioed worry over her kids she freaked out and left several hysterical posts.

Ponder Woman: http://www.ponderwoman.com/2012/07/31/s ... -marriage/

(Again, I am sorry. I cannot make new topics or PM anyone to suggest this gem that I am sure you will appreciate!)

[lilwriter85]

Yep, CJane is Courtney, who took 3 of the kids during the crash aftermath when her own baby was an infant. I think NieNie bought into the whole Utah Mormon culture hook line and sinker (pretty, stylish, married at 19, no college, sahm mom to many, etc)....CJane not so much (divorced, struggles with body image, infertility, etc). CJane seems to constantly struggle against her culture and almost has to twist the religious teachings to fit her own values. I would jot be shocked if her left the church eventually, though with her huge Mormon family I'm sure the pressure to stay us pretty overwhelming.

I have been lurking on the GOMI forums and agree with you, I also think Courtney hasn't bought into the Mormon culture. A part of me thinks Courtney might leave the Mormon church. When it comes to C.Jane and NieNie, I find C.Jane to be more tolerable.

[NerdyHil]

Mormon culture can be a truly insidious thing. I've fought against it my entire life, while giving in to the expectations (married young, tried to be a "good girl" ect.) I've seen friends marry emotionally abusive, selfish man-children. I was lucky I married another fringe member of Mormon life(he was divorced! Oh, the shame!) So, to see Cjane's messed up view on relationships it really doesn't shock me.

[IamCanadian]

I am new here and dont mean to hijack your topic - but I have a link I would like to share that has the same topic. This fundie's husband beat the crap out of her, found jesus, and apparently all is perfect now. When some commentors mentioed worry over her kids she freaked out and left several hysterical posts.

Ponder Woman: http://www.ponderwoman.com/2012/07/31/s ... -marriage/

(Again, I am sorry. I cannot make new topics or PM anyone to suggest this gem that I am sure you will appreciate!)

Wow. Other than that, I have no words. Those poor children.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Thats just really really sad :( Nobody should stay with someone who hits them, abusers never change-they just stop what theyre doing for as long as it takes to gain your trust, then start with the violence again.

[punkiepie]

I think cjane is becoming more like Joanna Brooks. I've always thought she agreed with Joanna, but recently, she has been more public about speaking out against certain things she has problems with in the Mormon church. I would love to see them do a blog interview together. But in sure it's ridiculously hard for cjane right now, especially with her missionary parents. From her writings it's always seemed like she feels that she's disappointed her parents, that she was never good enough.

For those of you who don't know about Joanna Brooks- Mormon feminist and advocate for LGBTQ- she wrote Book of Mormon Girl and blogs at http://www.askmormongirl.com/

[lilwriter85]

I had to give C.Jane props a couple of weeks back when she took a dig at the RNC and Romney saying that Ann raised the boys. She said something either on twitter or her blog that fathers are important too.

[ADoyle90815]

Mormon culture can be a truly insidious thing. I've fought against it my entire life, while giving in to the expectations (married young, tried to be a "good girl" ect.) I've seen friends marry emotionally abusive, selfish man-children. I was lucky I married another fringe member of Mormon life(he was divorced! Oh, the shame!) So, to see Cjane's messed up view on relationships it really doesn't shock me.

I agree, and I've seen it in my step family, where the girls are being raised with strict gender roles, including what toys they're allowed to have. My youngest stepsister who just graduated from high school has wedding related things on her Pintrest page, and she's just starting college but managed to get away from any of the BYU schools when her exmo dad managed to convince her and his extremely Mormon ex-wife that he couldn't afford the tuition. Her mom was the one who was trying to get her to go to BYU Idaho since she wants to make sure she becomes a good Mormon wife.

Another Mormon stepsister recently had her youngest daughter's 3rd birthday party, and the only gifts she got were Barbies and other pink toys. My mom said that everything was pink, including the decorations, and it almost made her throw up seeing how the gender roles were being strictly defined. My non-Mormon niece on the other hand, has loved Disney's Cars and other "boyish" things, but she's also girly in that she hates being dirty, or having a wet swimsuit on.

The point in this is that I hope those Mormons I know would have the self respect to be able to get out of an abusive situation, even if the abuser is Mormon and had served a mission. One reason I wasn't a good Mormon is that I refused to stay in an abusive marriage, and I'm much happier now where my non-Mormon fiancee treats me as an equal partner in the relationship.

[Beeks]

At what point would higher ups in the church "discipline" (and I mean formal or informal - even just have a little chat with her) her over her blog content? It certainly doesn't make Mormonism look very good and I know the church is pretty image conscious. Can any Mormons speak to that?

[Beeks]

I am new here and dont mean to hijack your topic - but I have a link I would like to share that has the same topic. This fundie's husband beat the crap out of her, found jesus, and apparently all is perfect now. When some commentors mentioed worry over her kids she freaked out and left several hysterical posts.

Ponder Woman: ponderwoman.com/2012/07/31/some-thoughts-on-my-marriage/

(Again, I am sorry. I cannot make new topics or PM anyone to suggest this gem that I am sure you will appreciate!)

.

That is terrifying.

Just a note for the future - you want to break links (make them unclickable) so the fundies don't go bonkers. Though this one clearly already has....

[lilwriter85]

At what point would higher ups in the church "discipline" (and I mean formal or informal - even just have a little chat with her) her over her blog content? It certainly doesn't make Mormonism look very good and I know the church is pretty image conscious. Can any Mormons speak to that?

I'm not Mormon but I too have wondered the same things if "higher ups" would have chat with her about the blog. It is possible that a bishop or someone has pulled her aside and talked about the blog. I remember hearing that Joanna Brooks was confronted by her bishop and it was ugly thing. I kind of do worry about some of these Mormon bloggers because someone in their wards or LDS communities could easily tell the highers ups about their blogs especially if there are postings that are against Mormon life/culture. There is one Mormon blogger that I recently started following, she has hinted a couple of times that she isn't totally happy with her hubby.

[NerdyHil]

At what point would higher ups in the church "discipline" (and I mean formal or informal - even just have a little chat with her) her over her blog content? It certainly doesn't make Mormonism look very good and I know the church is pretty image conscious. Can any Mormons speak to that?

I could see it happening, especially if Cjane is in the jello belt. It would have to be more of an "informal" chat rather than "formal" church discipline. She's not even overtly saying anything antithetical to the LDS belief system, just commenting on what the culture encourages. I was "counciled"man in a leadership position within my first years of marriage that I wasn't fulfilling my role as a good woman by having children. I'm infertile. I was crying and my husband took the guy to task pretty severely.He's cool like that. So, at the most that's what would be done to CJane ,just a guilt trip. What would be the most painful would be the rejection by the other members in her local church. All gossip and exclusion by omission. Mormon culture really has no room for those who aren't cookie cutter perfect. Or put on that facade of perfect. I've felt that bias.

ADoyle90815 the story of your niece going to BYU-I to learn to become a good Mormon wife made me giggle. I live about an hour away from it, and that's where most of my close friends went after High School. At the time it was a junior college. We all called "upper valley high" since it just seemed like HS part two. Except there were more rules that if you had stayed at home. I was the heathen that went to the actual University. But if your niece's mom bought the too expensive tuition line, she didn't do her homework very well. Both BYU and BYU-I are insanely cheap compared to the other schools in the area. But you'd have to live in Provo, UT or Rexburg, ID. Both of those places are like another planet.