A Question for Athiest/Agnostics who were Christian

[Ava]

I was raised as a mainline Lutheran in a pretty traditional church. My parents were very into being involved with church activities but weren't particularly religious otherwise. I never really got an education on the different kinds of faiths that were out there or that there were people who didn't belong to any religion - what I knew was just sort of picked up from my environment and that environment didn't include any atheists.

Unlike what some other people have mentioned, the first thing I lost interest in was any sort of ritual. I felt absolutely nothing during a church service except vague boredom over having to repeat the same exact worship ceremony over and over every week, just with 3 different hymns. I never wanted to pray out loud... I figured God could read my mind and knew whatever I thought and what I wanted without me having to verbalize it. I also tended to think that if there was a part of Christian morality that didn't jive with my own personal morality (premarital sex being wrong, for instance), that the person who had written that particular part of the Bible had just gotten it wrong. My church was not really punishment-focused so I didn't have any particular fear of hell... I thought that it was such an awful concept that only really, really terrible people like Hitler could possibly go there. I would say the youngest I started thinking this way was around 10 or so but I don't really remember.

By the time was 12-13 and ready to do confirmation classes I was 100% over the entire idea of group worship and starting to think that there were lots parts of Christianity that just plain didn't make any sense to me. Like, if Jesus's sacrifce is supposed to be the entire centerpoint of Christianity, and what it achieved was forgiveness for sins, well why couldn't God just pop up in a burning bush one say and say, "Ok, guys, from now on your sins are forgiven!" and skip the whole Jesus thing entirely? Or, why do we even have to beg for forgiveness in the first place when we're only exactly the way God made us? No one else seemed to have these issues so I thought that perhaps I was stupid and missing something. I resolved to read the Bible in its entirety - I got about a page past the creation story before I gave up in boredom. I was looking forward to confirmation so that I could be considered an adult member of the church and worship (or not worship) as I saw fit.

I think I was around 15 or so before I discovered the concept of atheism - that there were people who openly claimed not to believe in any religions, that there was a word for that. Until that point I claimed to believe in God only because I literally didn't realize that there was an option not to, if that even makes sense. It seems kind of silly when I type it out. The only reason I "believed" is because I had always been taught to and that really just wasn't a good enough reason. I also realized that the only way Christianity made any sense to me is if it was man-made. I was probably honestly an atheist from like 12 onward and I just didn't realize it.

I did not tell my parents until I was 20 (and that did not go well). I fed them a lot of waffle during my teenage years about how I had a different way of worshipping God than they did... one that did not include going to church. They fed me a lot of waffle back about how I would go to hell if I didn't go to church - apparently they didn't actually believe this and they only meant to scare me. They did scare me, but in a totally different way - if only horrible people go to hell and not going to church makes you horrible enough to go to hell, what would not believing in God make you in their eyes? I was afraid to find out. I am still not sure whether there is a distinction in their minds between "person who does not believe in God" and "person who believes in God but does not go to church".

Most of my friends hold the same (lack of) beliefs that I do. Most of them were not hounded about going to church in their youth, though. I do have one old friend who I've never told... she might not be super religious but I am quite sure she's a Christian and she is probably quite sure that I am one. The subject has never come up and I'm not about to bring it up. It's tiresome enough to deal with my parents so basically anyone that has a chance of arguing with me about it doesn't get told unless strictly necessary.

[bananacat]

My deconversion story is nothing profound. I was raised mainline Protestant (Methodist) and my family was fairly observant. I never heard about soul-winning or being "saved" or that all non-Christians go to Hell until I was in high school and some fundagelicals infiltrated my mainline church. I believed all through my childhood and it was reinforced through regular church attendance. Of course I had occasional doubts but it was just the thing everyone did so I didn't go too deep.

In high school the church became less and less welcoming and open. I saw those commercials for Methodism that say everyone is accepted and I literally laughed out loud. I had aspirations to work in a STEM field (and I do now), but I was especially interested in genetic engineering (I am now working in biotech that doesn't involve any genetics work). And being a woman with aspirations other than being a submissive wife, and "believing in" evolution, and wanting to "play God" with genetics, I always felt like unwelcome in my own church. I never felt comfortable just being myself in the one place I should have felt most at home. I had to use euphemisms for when I talked about science, like saying "adaptation" instead of "evolution". The Methodist church officially accepts evolution, but loudest congregants at my church did not. I once got shouted down by a YEC and learned my lesson to keep quiet. I have also always been pro-choice and again I had to hide that aspect of myself in the church. The youth were also treated dismally and even when we wanted to do good things or learn more, we weren't allowed to. Anyway, I know this all sounds like I'm just mad at the church instead of a non-believer but this is actually relevant.

So when I went off to college I was still a believer. I didn't like my old church, but I believed that they were completely wrong about Christianity and I even considered starting my own church because I was a teenager and had grand dreams. But because I felt so unwelcome at existing churches and it would be a lot of work to start my own, I simply stopped going throughout college. And over time those doubts I had persisted. Since I was no longer getting a weekly reinforcement, my beliefs just stopped feeling as strong. Over time I realized that I just didn't believe at all. I called myself a "non-believer" for a long time. Eventually I realized that I am an atheist even though I'm not involved with any type of movement atheism and I have little desire to deconvert most religious people. If my church had been a better community for me, maybe I would have kept going and maybe that constant reinforcement would have kept me believing, but I think eventually even that wouldn't have been enough.

I guess if you're looking for a story of a specific event, I can give one. About 18 months ago my cat was seriously ill. I took him to the emergency vet and they had to keep him there for testing and IV fluids. He had been having symptoms for awhile and the vets and I all thought it was cancer or organ failure, especially because of his advanced age. So he spent the night at the vet and that night was very hard on me. Every little thing reminded me of him and reminded me that he was not there. I had to wait until the next day for testing, but I knew he would probably never come home again. I wished that I could have just one more day with him there to relive all the little things one last time. I debated to myself what decision I would make if I had to choose between euthanizing him or getting him treatment to last a little longer. I had a very tough decision ahead of me. And I thought about praying. I actually wanted to. I wanted to hand over the power to someone else and just wash my hands of it. I really wanted to believe that God existed and that I had the power to save my cat by just praying hard enough. It was hard to have the responsibility for this decision, and it was also really hard to feel completely powerless to save him. I wanted very badly to believe, but I realized that I just couldn't. I could not make myself believe even though I wanted to and it would have been comforting. I knew that I had to make the decision myself.

Sort of unrelated but I can't leave the story hanging: it turns out my cat had two very severe infections, but the "miracle" of antibiotics cleared them up and he is still around. He's healthy for being 18 and he's sitting in my lap right now. If I had been able to muster up believe, I probably would have attributed this to prayer.

[muffynbear]

I was raised a Protestant. I never truly bought into Christianity or going to Church. I went through the motions of going to youth group and bible camps and mission trips to please my mother. I found the Bible camp to be manipulating my peers into sharing their "testimony" in order to have tears, and heartfelt discussions about God :roll: .

At 19 I dated a guy who was a wannabe Messianic Jew/wannabe fundie (?) At first, the crazy wasn't evident but eventually he started trying to control me. He would try to tell me not to work on Saturdays and he would control what I would eat: no pork, no shellfish. He wanted me to quit college and get off birth control and he was trying to control what I would wear: no earrings, my hair should be covered etc. We would sit and read the Torah. We would have to pray before we ate in public (at Wendys!) He was a nut case (in addition to what I mentioned before). He would preach about how gays = ebil. So needless to say, his conservative nature really stirred something in me. It made me realize that I would not subject myself or change myself for any religion. In other words, his controlling, repressive actions had a completely different effect on me. I am now a proud liberal, feminist, pro-choice, pro-LGTB woman.

He made me realize that religion is bull-shit.

Also my former Pastor who was my mentor growing up cheated on his wife w/ another member of the congregation. I figured, if my Pastor can't even keep his vows and follow the Bible, why should I? I realized I could be a better person without the confines of religious dogma.

ETA: Some of the most fucked up people I knew claimed to be Christians. This one family whom I was very close to for awhile. They were born again and went to my church. They were very Duggar-like in terms of their appearance: shiny-happy countenances and always volunteering for anything Church-related. However behind closed-doors they were/are a highly toxic dysfunctional UN-Christian family.

[shrillharpy]

Thank you for posting this, Raine. I'm going through something similar myself. I label myself a mainline (or "liberal" Christian) but that's mostly for the spouse and kids. The spouse and I have gotten to a point where we've agreed that when we move next summer, we'll stop attending church. He has his own doubts about the church itself, whereas mine are about Christianity, the Bible and God in general.

I was raised fundie-lite, and have spent a good chunk of my adult life in evangelical churches. My husband always seemed attracted to the "crazy" churches, as I so generously refer to them. I've always had doubts, but I played along to keep the peace. I tried in earnest to believe, despite the fact that the professed Christians were amongst the worst people I personally knew. I knew some really great Christians, too. However the rotten ones outnumbered them by an appalling ratio.

It's only been recently that due to some life events I finally have enough trust in myself, my husband, and our marriage to tell him that the crazy stops now, at least for me.

In my case the doubts were probably there are along, but the opting out has come on pretty quickly.

Edited for clarity