A Question for Athiest/Agnostics who were Christian

[Kaylee]

If you don't mind sharing, what was your sort of process for losing faith or leaving your religion?

 

Is it totally weird or unheard of to just suddenly be like "hey, I don't really believe this and I think I might have been trying to fool myself the whole time" or is that common?

 

If it was a longer process and you don't mind sharing what changed your mind and how you handled things with religious friends and family and the faith community you may have left, please share your story and any advice you might have.

 

 

(I'm going through some weird things right now and trying to figure out if this is what's going on or if it's going to be one of those flip-flop things and it's not something I can really talk about with most people in my life.)

[Kitty]

I don't know if I can say if it was a long or short process... if you count me getting into neo-paganism after leaving Christianity, it's about a 3-year process. But I left Christianity when I was 14, and yes it was a mindfuck. I was pretty devout too. I was raised Southern Baptist (according to my mother, who isn't really Southern Baptist at all), but by 14 I had already rejected a lot of the bullshit I'd heard at church. Reading Harry Potter was one of the factors in my leaving Last Church, and I'd quit the youth group by then because of the REALLY stupid and heavy-handed preaching about abortion. Some of my friends had come out of the closet, so I was already over the homophobia. I never did bring this up to anyone, but thanks to my ADHD, during sermons I couldn't pay attention for more than about 30 seconds so I wound up skipping around in my Bible... and found some rather interesting passages in the Old Testament :o Add that to acting one way in church and another out of it, and being one of the few at my church to do so (afaik, my sister was the only other person who did), and you have the seeds of me questioning Christianity and ultimately leaving it. That isn't exactly OT, but that's my background, if anyone's interested.

What changed my mind about Christianity was learning about the history of it. There are so many branches of it, particularly in the US, that I really had a hard time identifying with any one denomination even after dropping the SBC. I also found out how many Christian traditions were ripped off from various European traditions 2,000 years ago, and well... no more Christianity for me. It was pretty scary, and I told nobody until I was sure about my beliefs.

It's not at all unheard of to realize you're trying really hard to fool yourself. I didn't feel that way toward Christianity though, but more toward neo-paganism. I admit that I sort of used it to fill the void left by Christianity, and as a way to mask my waning belief in any sort of deity so I could tell people that I did believe in a higher power. Even then, though, I flip-flopped like crazy. By 17 I'd already given up trying to believe in any kind of higher power, so I dropped all pretense as well, and just said I was pagan, but also non-theist. Eventually I just dropped that too and reclaimed the title, "atheist." I've been very comfortably identifying as such for about 3 years now.

As for handling things with family and friends, well... I didn't lose any friends, surprisingly. I identified as atheist throughout high school and nobody really bothered me about it (except one guy who cheerfully told the whole class I was going to bring a gun to school :evil: ). Christmas season has been stressful ever since I came out of the godless closet, but because I actually prefer the religious Christmas songs (they're SO much better than the secular ones!), and don't hiss at the sight of a Christmas tree like people expect, I can just float happily under the radar. My family didn't take it well. My dad and sister have moved on and don't say much about it, but my mom occasionally gets upset and tries to get me to be Christian again. It's easy to keep a low profile, since in RL I'm pretty shy, but around people I'm closest to I'm perfectly normal and not the stereotypical Angry Atheist that hates everything religious. It also helps that I don't think religion is a mental illness and I still have a lot of Christian friends.

tl;dr version: It's perfectly okay to flip-flop, it happens to everyone who questions the religion they were brought up in or otherwise followed for a long time. And it's okay to admit that you've been trying to fool yourself. It's normal and healthy.

[B5SnowDog]

I was raised in an independent Bible church that taught dispensationalism. When I was in high school, I learned about evolution. It completely clashed with what I learned in church and while I tried to reconcile the two, I realized one was just too kooky. I looked into different religions (settled on Wicca for awhile) but one day I just realized I didn't believe there were any deities. It was kind of a relief, actually. I quit trying to force myself into belief systems that just weren't right for me. I'm much happier as an atheist than I was as a Christian.

[Guest Anonymous]

My deconversion took place over a number of years. Ex christian.net is a good source of stories on the range of ways people have questioned their faith. :)

[Cran]

It was neither an exceptionally short time like waking up one morning, having an epiphany and not believing any more, nor a very long time (years and years).

As I mentioned on this forum before, I have studied theology. And some time after I had finished my diploma and started my doctorate, I used some principles I learned during my studies on Christianity itself: That a theory is good if it explains as many things as possible while being as simple as possible.

Christian theology is not simple, nor does it explain things better than other religions, in my opinion. If you take problems like theodicy, and all-loving, all-powerful and all-knowing God is actually pretty hard to reconcile. So I started doubting on an intellectual level first, but still clinging to the believe that the personal experience of God/Jesus, the inner love for God, is the most important proof.

Of course my religious feelings suffered somewhat from my doubts, and I began to discover those feelings I had when I prayed, went to mass etc. where in essence no different from the feelings I had when identifying with characters in a book or movie (yes, I have obviously far too much fantasy). The religious feelings I had were not induced by a higher being, caring for me and loving me, but by myself. And to this day, I can move myself to tears when I think about Christ's sacrifice long enough and immerse myself deeply enough in it, although I no longer believe it to be true or significant to my well-being (not questioning the historical truth of his dead, but it being a sacrifice that saves people from hell or similar).

So.... there wasn't much left. The theology no longer feasible to me and my feelings no longer a valid proof. Somewhere down the line I knew I was no longer a believer, and not sadder for it, apart from the obvious problems a theologian has when losing faith *g*.

My family still doesn't know about my lack of faith, and I still work "somewhat" on my doctorate in theology (means, I am still enrolled, but I really don't work for it, see not much sense in it), and until recently I also taught religious education at school. Only a few close friends in real life now about my change of mind. my family wouldn't care, though, they do not practice, I only have no interest in explaining myself and the dreaded question "What will you do now with your life?!". Because that's a question I've been trying to answer for ~3 years now, and can't find an answer to it.

[sippin0nsunshine]

I was about 14 when I started questioning religion. It didn't make sense to me, so I stopped going to church while still calling myself a Christian. It was only this past year that I really came to the idea that if there is a god, he must be a very cruel vindictive entity, and not somebody I want to worship. I'm only 21 though so I have a lot more learning to do about atheism and the contradictions of the christian religion (I don't know much about other religions so I can't say anything about them).

[patsymae]

I was raised by outwardly pious but inwardly mean Catholics and "educated" by the nasty type of ignorant nuns, so the first step for me was just questioning Catholicism, and the rest came naturally.

The big breakthrough for me was watching a documentary about Benedictine monks from a monastery near my hometown--the last segment was the former abbot literally on his deathbed. He'd spent his whole adult life in that life, in that place. And as he was dying, he said, "Of course I don't know for sure if there is a God. I hope there is, and I lived as if there is, but really, how would I know?"

And I realized if it's okay for him not to know, it's okay for me not to know. By definition whatever powers the entire universe can't be confined to the human mind. And I'm content with not knowing.

[valsa]

I don't know if I can say if it was a long or short process... if you count me getting into neo-paganism after leaving Christianity, it's about a 3-year process. But I left Christianity when I was 14, and yes it was a mindfuck.

Hmm... I think we might be the same person.

I was very devout as a young child, mostly out of fear (not so much fear of hell, but I used God as a sort of fairy godmother who could protect me from things like monsters in my closet and under my bed) Between about 10 and 13, I was very "meh" about the whole thing but as a teen I tried to renew my faith, only to actually read the Bible and realize what a bunch of shit it was (particularly what it had to say towards women)

So between about 13 and, say, 16-ish, I tried on a lot of different religious identities. I threw off the patriarchy of Christianity to focus on more women-friendly religious, like Wicca and general Paganism and even Satanism (though that one isn't as woman-centric as the other two) Eventually I realized that the reason I felt absolutely ridiculous in all these religions was because I was basically forcing myself to believe in a deity and/or forces I saw no indication existed. At that age, it was no different for me to try to believe in a god or goddess than if I tried to force myself to believe in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy again.

[debrand]

I spent my life looking for THE ANSWER. This search led me to read about several religions and, for a short period, to fall into an extremist Christian mindset. At one point, I converted to Catholicism in a attempt to retain faith in Jesus.

My loss of faith felt like it was overnight, but it wasn't. My oldest son quit college and got his girlfriend pregnant. At the time, I was very disappointed. That started an avalance of questions about god. The Christian god is supposed to be the ultimate good parent. Yet, when he is disappointed with his children, he sends them to a place of eternal torture. My son could spit on me and I'd still wish him well. If he needed a kidney, I'd hope that mine was a match even if I knew my son would continue to hate me. There is nothing he could do that would make me torture him forever or even for a few minutes.

Once I started asking questions, I realized that the Christian concept of god was one of an abusive parent. Christians are encouraged, like anyone in an abusive situation, to not believe that they deserve the love of their abuser.

Although I don't want to make this post too long, I think that the question of morals does bother a lot of people who are loosing faith. Christians are told that a person can not be good without god. Yet, honestly, I've discovered that my commitment to certain ethical standards has increased as I lost faith. Most of the morals that I held, like being truthful and considerate of others, actually have a logical reason behind them. When I lost faith, I had to question why I thought certain actions were moral and, much to my surprise, that period of questioning actually made me more committed to certain morals.

[debrand]

Hmm... I think we might be the same person.

I was very devout as a young child, mostly out of fear (not so much fear of hell, but I used God as a sort of fairy godmother who could protect me from things like monsters in my closet and under my bed) Between about 10 and 13, I was very "meh" about the whole thing but as a teen I tried to renew my faith, only to actually read the Bible and realize what a bunch of shit it was (particularly what it had to say towards women)

So between about 13 and, say, 16-ish, I tried on a lot of different religious identities. I threw off the patriarchy of Christianity to focus on more women-friendly religious, like Wicca and general Paganism and even Satanism (though that one isn't as woman-centric as the other two) Eventually I realized that the reason I felt absolutely ridiculous in all these religions was because I was basically forcing myself to believe in a deity and/or forces I saw no indication existed. At that age, it was no different for me to try to believe in a god or goddess than if I tried to force myself to believe in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy again.

I admit, I still have a strange need for rituals. I have a theory that the later a person looses faith, the harder it is to get rid of the outer trappings of religion, like praying or lighting candles. For the time being, I am using the outer trappings of Wiccan as a crutch to overcome my dependency on religion. Because I've come across atheist Wiccans, I don't think that I am being disrespectful to another's faith-at least, I hope that I'm not. However, I'm aware that what I'm doing is a bit illogical and based on an emotional need. For the time being, I'm okay with that but eventually, I will probably move past it.

[BravaAmica]

Mine story is pretty simple. I knew no Christians in private life (and certainly there are NO examples of Christians in public life) who actually followed the teachings of Christ. I saw a lot of mental gymnastics and justifications for not feeding the hungry (locally or abroad), helping the poor and why it was okay for them to judge others harshly.

Another thing that drove me away was only relying on the Bible for any kind of spiritual, moral and ethical instruction. I find that quite limiting and narrow. I figure God (or the FSM or the Great Nothing) gave us all brains. Use them. And we're quite lucky in the 21st century, we can draw upon the wisdom of the ages at the touch of a button. Why not consult, for example, Plato or Descartes or Jung?

And then there was the sense of entitlement, like they were/are members of an exclusive country club- but if you did not believe like them, live like them and look like them, you were going to hell. I experienced this pretty much at any Christian church I attended- from the most liberal to the most conservative.

I now attend a New Thought church (Unity) which does have a Biblical slant but it doesn't have the mental gymnastics and the judgements. I'm pretty much an agnostic/questioning atheist. I've told the minister that sometimes I don't believe in God. She said, "Keep doubting. Keep asking questions." I enjoy the community of a church and am comfortable with hearing the Bible since it's familiar to me. They also don't pressure me to volunteer for umpteen committees or hound me for "love offerings."

[Kitty]

Hmm... I think we might be the same person.

I was very devout as a young child, mostly out of fear (not so much fear of hell, but I used God as a sort of fairy godmother who could protect me from things like monsters in my closet and under my bed) Between about 10 and 13, I was very "meh" about the whole thing but as a teen I tried to renew my faith, only to actually read the Bible and realize what a bunch of shit it was (particularly what it had to say towards women)

So between about 13 and, say, 16-ish, I tried on a lot of different religious identities. I threw off the patriarchy of Christianity to focus on more women-friendly religious, like Wicca and general Paganism and even Satanism (though that one isn't as woman-centric as the other two) Eventually I realized that the reason I felt absolutely ridiculous in all these religions was because I was basically forcing myself to believe in a deity and/or forces I saw no indication existed. At that age, it was no different for me to try to believe in a god or goddess than if I tried to force myself to believe in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy again.

I don't know if we're the same person, because I definitely didn't start believing out of fear until I was about 13 and started reading Left Behind. I was just with the right people in the right place, and it was easy to please the grown-ups with what I was saying. I started really questioning the Southern Baptist teaching at 13, so the believing out of fear didn't last very long. It was more out of a desire to please, and I left my SBC church at 13, and nobody outside of it was that impressed by my religious views.

[Cran]

I admit, I still have a strange need for rituals. I have a theory that the later a person looses faith, the harder it is to get rid of the outer trappings of religion, like praying or lighting candles. For the time being, I am using the outer trappings of Wiccan as a crutch to overcome my dependency on religion. Because I've come across atheist Wiccans, I don't think that I am being disrespectful to another's faith-at least, I hope that I'm not. However, I'm aware that what I'm doing is a bit illogical and based on an emotional need. For the time being, I'm okay with that but eventually, I will probably move past it.

Yes, my feelings exactly. I need and love rituals, and I think that they do nothing per themselves, but help me to focus my mind on my feelings and my wants, and to achieve them, so I practise Chaos Magic. No fixed belief required, you pick and choose, and I do very well with it.

[JumpingtheSnark]

I went to Catholic School through college. I distinctly remember sitting in 8th grade religion with Fr. Mark (really a decent guy) and asking him if Jesus had brothers or sisters. He said "No." I said "How do you know?" He said, that's what the official rules say.

Anyway, I was like oh, ok. And then when I went to college I

1. Became friends with LGBQT folks and they were you know, normal.

2. I met Mary Daly and her crazy feminist friends.

3. Decided that patriarchy was the obvious reason for religion.

4. Decided transubstantiation was such a load of bullshit I just couldn't believe people bought it.

So there I was at 23, an atheist. Viola!

[slickcat79]

I started shifting away from christianity in college and shortly after. The bible was big for me. The more I read of it, the more horrible it seemed. The more I learned about the political processes that went into the writing and translating of it, the more I came to recognize it as something man-made and not worthy of special consideration. That started me wondering, if I don't even believe the central holy text of christianity, what else do I not believe?

My mom would probably be semi-disappointed to know that the way I was raised by her and the church she chose to take us to as kids helped set me up for an atheistic future (in a good way). I was never taught to hate other religions or even believe that they were wrong. As far as my mom was concerned, god revealed himself to different people in different ways, and we were all praying to the same god. I was never taught that the bible was meant to be the literal truth. The (female) youth leaders that I grew up with are now ordained ministers at their own churches, and are very liberal.

Maybe I was never much of a Real Christian to begin with. I used to dread Sundays and fake being asleep so I didn't have to go to church, even though that usually didn't work :shifty: It came to a point where I realized that if I couldn't come to a god-belief through logic, and I didn't feel it emotionally either, it probably wasn't there.

I can recognize that there are good things about christianity, but those things aren't unique to any particular religion. I can relate to what debrand said about morality. I find that I am at least as generous with my time and money as I was when I was a christian, if not more so. Partly because I want to set an example of being good without god, but also because I recognize that this is the only life we're going to have, and people should be given as many opportunities in it as they can get. I highly value honesty because, while I'm not angry and don't feel "lied to" about religion, I do feel like I wasted a lot of time that could have been better spent.

I haven't really come out as an atheist to my family, although I think my mom suspects and does not really approve. I think they would be alternatively horrified and condescending about it. At the time I stopped being a christian, I had been back and forth to school for 6+ years, so I wasn't entrenched in any community, religious or otherwise. It would probably be more difficult for those who are older and more involved. I still go to church at christmas when I'm at my mom's house, and I don't really talk about religion with my family. It doesn't come up all that often, but when it does I feel weird, but I'm not entirely sure how to address it as this point.

[CanadianHippie]

The fact that most of what people were saying about God and the church seemed to be lies started my research on various religions which eventually led me to realize that there was no way to give the kind of evidence I needed for any "this is how it is" type belief, either religious or atheistic.

[salsa]

Not sure I qualify as a true atheist, but I certainly am questioning what "spiritual" means and how human beings tap into it. The end went like this - I had worked HARD for God, and worked HARD seeking God's counsel, and had worked HARD at maintaining that relationship. At some point, I realized I was doing all the seeking. It's like having a friend with whom you feel like you have a good relationship until one day you realize they never call you; it's always you calling them.

[super skeptic]

I was raised Catholic and went through short phases in childhood/adolescence where I'd want to believe and go to church, but those phases were short-lived compared to my belief that religion's teachings just don't make much sense. It never really made sense to me.

Thankfully my parents never forced us to go to church and when I said I didn't want to go, they had no problem with it or with my logic. (Okay, this might have something to do with the fact that my parents rarely go to church themselves. We're not exactly a really devout Catholic family, haha.)

[lizziesmom]

For me it began around age 13 or 14. I had read a book called "Chariots of the Gods" which raised a lot of questions in my mind. My mother asked our minister (Southern Baptist) to come and talk to me about them. For every question he had the same answer "You have to take what we teach and our beliefs on faith". There was no discussion and no acknowledgement that anything in this book might be valid.

That was the start. Over the years, I've observed that organized religion seems to go against everything Jesus purportedly stood for. Power and greed trump everything.

The other thing for me, is I guess I am too logical. The bible has tons of conflicting passages if you take the time to find them. The bible has cherry picked books included and others excluded. The bible was not put into written form until hundreds if not thousands of years after the events reported. The bible has been translated multiple times and I am supposed to believe the message is accurate? I could go on and on but those are just a few of the things that stand out to me.

Once I wished I could believe. Now it's like trying to unring a bell.

[Seven Severn]

I had my atheist epiphany while sitting in fourth grade United Methodist Sunday school. It suddenly occurred to me that all "this" (meaning the bible) was made up by people a long time ago who were A) trying to explain things they didn't understand and B) trying to control people. At that instant it felt like a weight fell on to my shoulders and then immediately lifted off. I remember thinking, "Huh." And that was it, pretty much. I didn't tell anyone (didn't want the lectures) and kept going to church. My parents' rule was that their children had to go to church until they were 18 and after that could decide for themselves. I kept going even after I turned 18 because I was heavily involved with the choir (which I loved and still miss tremendously) and I loved the building (old with impossibly high ceilings, labyrinthine hallways, a secret passage).

Over the next 15 years or so I made a couple halfhearted efforts to believe, but knew that I was just kidding myself. There was no logic in an invisible being who made and controlled everything.

[SpicyCat]

Chiming in from lurkdom...

It was the hypocrisy that started it for me. In my early teens I had a few run-ins in the church my mother currently had us in had. The first was a Sunday school teacher that couldn't get past me not following instructions to the letter, the second was going with another teacher to the "board room" where the bishops (or whomever) gathered. They had a huge table and velvet chairs, and the one at the head we weren't allowed to sit in because that was the "reverends" chair. It was very fancy and I remember thinking, "this is really stupid and way too fancy and I don't think it's what they're supposed to do."

Fast forward a few years and I was an occasional church goer and in the military. I was an avid reader and my only option was a new testament given by the chaplain. The more I read, the less it made sense. Later the more I learned the less I felt it was accurate. Add in a very unpleasant experience in a Baptist church, and being told I was going to hell because I didn't believe the bible was the literal word of God and you had a recipe for leaving. After a short span I realized I just didn't believe any of it anymore. Was the Bible a good set of basic guidelines, yes. Was it an accurate and literal truth, oh hey-ell no.

To be honest, it's still the hypocrisy that gets me the most. That and the fact that there is little to nothing that is in most religions that can stand up to logical, reasoned thought. I just can't get with a program where the major tenet is, believe it because I said so.

[Swamptribe]

My family is Roman Catholic. I was never really one. From a very early age none of it made sense, and you learn not to ask the tough questions. Went through a period in my teenage years where I tried to be a good Catholic, but just realized that I was lying to myself.

[caito]

*pops up* You raaaaang?

I've been an "out" atheist for four years, before that I was agnostic and before that I was a nonpracticing Christian.

To be perfectly honest my husband and the online community on my favorite mom website (cafemom) were the driving forces that made me confront my nonbelief. I don't really know how or why, but through debates and conversations I began to realize what I thought were my beliefs were really just parroted from my family. Did I REALLY believe that Jesus died for our sins? No, I did not. I didn't know why, I just realized that I didn't believe it was real. It was extremely scary and confusing. I was doubting everything I was ever taught. Eventually I came to the conclusion that it was all bullshit. I began to do deep research, looking at the contradictions of religion and how all of them are similar. I had questions that religion couldn't answer, and I didn't like that AT ALL.

So somehow or other I became an atheist. It wasn't a conscious decision, like "Fuck it imma be an atheist." It was a gradual (probably around one year or so) process that occurred quite naturally, because I had questions and dammit, I wanted answers.

I felt so free when I admitted I was an atheist. It was the best feeling ever. Little did I know that being an atheist in the Bible Belt is extremely difficult. I don't think I ever truly bought into religion, to be perfect honest. I argued with kids in Sunday School over dinosaurs existing or not. I never felt a presence or comfort from religion. If there's a chemical or part of the brain that activates religious belief, I don't have it. And I'm so glad I don't, because I've met some of the most amazing people.

Sorry this is so long omg. I didn't mean to type this much. But anyway, I don't think there's any going back. In my experience if you're an atheist and you suddenly find religion, you aren't really an atheist. You're agnostic. I don't think the average atheist holds on to that glimmer of hope for a god. So I question people who claim to have been atheists. I don't think they were ever truly atheist. (check out the Unequally Yoked blog, she's an atheist turned Catholic. ick.)

[Distant Lines]

For me, I don't know if I was ever really religious and truly had a strong belief in God. I'm Presbyterian and went through the confirmation process, but stopped going to church shortly thereafter. At my church, we had an amazing pastor, and I stopped going to church when he retired. I really think he was the one who kept me in church, not any real religion. He was so great at his job that when he spoke, I would leave thinking God was real, but after he retired, I just couldn't really convince myself that God was real.

Now, about ten years later, my faith has really become a spiritual thing. I'm really big into yoga and the power of positive thinking, which I think is a lot like religion, minus the whole God thing, and that works for me. It's a very solitary thing. You have to be really in touch with your mind and soul, and it's not about a community thing where you have to go to a church and talk about stuff with other people. I just feel like I personally get more out of my spirituality than any religion could give me. And since it is more of a practice that is about you being in touch with yourself and not controlled by a church or a group of people, I feel it's just more honest.

I feel like I'm really bad at explaining this stuff. I tend not to talk about it much cause I'm from the South, so people think I've got the devil in me or something when I talk about being spiritual and all that jazz.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I admit, I still have a strange need for rituals.

I am not religious and have never been religious, but I am big on rituals too. Doing certain things in certain patterns can put my mind in the right state to do certain tasks, and I very much like marking the changing of the seasons or enjoying the "first [whatever] of the season" and the like.

I figure if it worked for Pavlov... I can try it on myself! So I've long been the strange person who likes to burn certain kinds of incense while studying, that sort of thing.