Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 38

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Read all the way through

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"Gaetz Gets Dirty"

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In 2017, Matt Gaetz was the only member of Congress to vote against a law boosting the government’s human trafficking investigatory powers, saying he was sent to Congress to reduce the reach of government. Matt Gaetz voted against the government coming after him for reaching for teenage girls. Matt Gaetz is all about protecting terrorists and pedophiles.

There’s a year-long federal investigation into whether Matt Gaetz paid to have sex with a minor he took across state lines. This would be sex trafficking.

Gaetz’s former party buddy, Joel Greenberg, is a convicted sex trafficker. Greenberg is now cooperating with federal investigators and now a grand jury has been convened looking into the allegations against Gaetz. Those testifying include Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriends. I’m as shocked as you. Matt Gaetz had girlfriends, plural?

Joseph Elliccot, another friend of Matt Gaetz, just pleaded guilty this week to drug and fraud charges. Like Donald Trump, Gaetz is friends with a lot of criminals.

Elliccot has reached a plea deal that reportedly involves turning on Gaetz. His lawyer says Elliccot saw Gaetz attend parties involving “a whole lot” of sex and drug use. Ellicott is also a potential witness to Gaetz being told he had sex with a 17-year-old.

Gaetz is a creepy guy. He’s been known to show nude photos to congressional colleagues on the House floor that he took of girls he had sex with.

In 2018, Greenberg made Venmo payments to three young women totaling $900, describing the money on the app as for “Tuition” or “School.” Coincidentally, Gaetz sent Greenberg $900 the night before on Venmo, writing in one transaction “hit up ___,” using a nickname for the 17-year old.

Greenberg also claims he witnessed Gaetz paying teenage girls for sex. There’s another report that Gaetz asked Donald Trump, while he was still actually president (sic), for a blanket pardon, even though he hasn’t been charged with a crime…yet.

House Minority Leader, and maybe its next Speaker, is standing by Gaetz. So are other House goons like Jim Jordan, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Lauren Boebert. Gaetz has threatened that after the GOP takes back the house, his gang of goons will inflict revenge against every Democrat who’s gone after Trump and white nationalist terrorists. But that’s going to be really difficult for Gaetz to do if he’s busy defending himself in court on federal charges of sex trafficking…or from prison.

 

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[Black Aliss]

Thank you OFM. Let it be so.

 

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"Republican Tip Lines"

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Virginia’s new Republican sweater vest governor (sic), Glenn Youngkin, has set up a “tip line” for parents to snitch on public school teachers who are promoting “divisive practices” or enforcing mask mandates.

This tip line follows the governor’s (sic) very first executive order banning any history being taught that makes white people feel bad. The actual wording for the ban is “inherently divisive concepts, including Critical Race Theory.” Thankfully, there’s nothing divisive in world history, so we should be good there.

Critical Race Theory is an academic framework that examines how policies and laws perpetuate systemic racism in this country. That sounds like something that should be taught unless we want this nation to remain systemically racist.

The governor may as well set up a tip line to report drunk hyenas on flying Zambonis because that’s about as common as Critical Race Theory in our schools. Conservatives are now claiming any history mentioning anything black, like slavery, civil rights, or this year’s Super Bowl halftime show is Critical Race Theory. Dr. Dre is coming to indoctrinate your kids to rhyme!

The New Hampshire Department of Education also has a tip line to snitch on teachers who teach anything about systemic racism. There’s a right-wing group of Nazi moms in New Hampshire called Moms for Liberty (“The Eva Braun Appreciation Society” must have already been taken) who are offering a $500 bounty to the person who makes the first confirmed report against a teacher. So far, I don’t think anyone’s collected.

Texas’ law banning abortions includes a provision allowing any citizen to sue anyone supposedly involved in a violation of that law, whether that abortion affected them or not.

Oklahoma and Florida are both creating legislation that will allow any citizen to sue any teacher who brings Critical Race Theory into a classroom.

I think just to be safe and to be sure they don’t miss anything divisive or that threatens white privilege, these goon-run states should ban all books. Then, they can focus on teaching children the important stuff, like goose-stepping, cross-burning, and saying, “Boy, are you lost?”

Activists are now flooding Virginia’s tipline with “tips.” What they’re trying to do is make a mockery of it by reporting fake tips.

This is an outrage and you should not participate in this sort of bedlam and rabble-rousing by sending an email to helpeducation@governor.virginia.gov.

There is also a website where you can send auto-generated emails to the tip line, which you should definitely not click this link to. I won’t stand for it.

In the future, we should expect tip lines for stuff like people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” and for offensive Starbucks cups. White people are already calling 911 when they see black people in a public park grilling or dog walking. Now, if you see anyone in a public park grilling a dog, yeah sure. Call 911. But stop calling the cops because you saw a black person in a park or walking with Skittles while wearing a hoodie.

Call Glenn Youngkin.

 

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"He-Man Black Women Haters Club"

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Creatively, I had fun with this cartoon. I really enjoy drawing Biden and Trump, but I rarely get Reagan-drawing opportunities. I like drawing Ronald Reagan. I don’t know if he needed the label but since he hasn’t been president in over three decades and Republicans seem to have forgotten him in favor of their Trump cult, I figured the label wouldn’t hurt.

 

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[AnywhereButHere]

Someone really needs to make this a thing. 
Fucknut MadLibs. Both funny and terrifying. 

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/bombshell-report-on-one-of-the-many-ongoing-trump-investigations-mad-libs?fbclid=IwAR1V8z596VvEbeIP0fN2dtuXRhh6h5z3GQzmymijfANcRD8gsf0xIThjWIE
 

Spoiler

Breaking news tonight out of [ANY OF OURNATION’S COURTS, JUSTICEDEPARTMENTS, OR SENATESUBCOMMITTEES], I’m [MSNBC HOSTWHO MAKES YOUR AUNT SCREAM AT THE TV].

Things aren’t looking good tonight for Donald Trump. And no, you’re not having déjà vu—because this time, it’s different. This time, we finally got him. This is, in a word, the [IDIOMTHAT OVERSTATES THE IMPORTANCEOF THIS EVIDENCE]

Tonight, we have a bombshell report that reveals—for the first time—[EVIDENCE THAT 100 PERCENT HASDEFINITELY ALREADYBEEN REVEALED]. Now, eagle-eyed viewers may wonder, “Didn’t we already know this? Wasn’t this information previously revealed by the [SCANDAL INVOLVING A TRUMPBUSINESS] or the [SCANDAL WHERETRUMP TRIED TO COVER UP A DIFFERENT SCANDAL] or [ANY OF THESCANDALS TRUMP WAS IMPEACHEDFOR]?” You may ask yourself: “Am I going crazy?” or “Did I time travel to the future, hear this information, and then time travel back to the past without realizing it?”

But that’s where you’re wrong. Because this evidence makes Watergate look like [UNSUCCESSFUL ANALOGY].

Tonight, we’ve obtained: emails. A treasure trove of new emails between [LOYAL TRUMPALLY] and [ESTRANGED TRUMPRELATIVE WHO’S ALWAYS HATED HIM]. Now, these emails are a veritable goldmine on the topics of [RED HERRING] and [SPECIOUSCONSPIRACY THEORY], but tonight, we’d like to focus on one particularly damning exchange in which we learn: [HIGHLYSPECIFIC NEW DETAIL THAT DOESN’T FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGE THEFACTS OF THE CASE].

Wow. Now that is a bombshell—the likes of which we haven’t seen since [THE MORNINGEDITION OF THIS SHOW].

Now, some viewers at home may be thinking, “C’mon, [MSNBC HOST WHOMAKES YOUR AUNTFULLY WET]—we already have enough truly, maddeningly career-ending evidence to send Trump to prison for [NUMBER OF LIFETIMES SO BIG IT WOULD MAKE A CAT JEALOUS]. Why do you need to treat every minor revelation with the gravitas of the Saturday Night Massacre?”

Here to answer that question is legal expert [TV LAWYER WHO’S AN ACTUAL LAWYERIN THE WAY DR. PHIL’S AN ACTUALDOCTOR]. Now, [TV LAWYER], given the facts of the case, what would typically happen in a [PHRASE THAT MEANS “FUNCTIONINGDEMOCRACY,” BUT WHICH IMPLIESWE NO LONGER LIVE IN ONE]?

Fascinating. So what you just told me is: “If we were living in such a hypothetical society where democracy actually functioned, it would be hard to imagine a more compelling public interest than getting answers about [THE THING THEPRESIDENT DID THIS TIME], our justice department would be able to do [ANY ONE OF THE JOBS A JUSTICE DEPARTMENTNORMALLY DOES], and we wouldn’t be right back here tomorrow—same time, same place—presenting minor revelations using words like ‘smoking gun’ in a desperate attempt to gain the attention of a social-media addicted public, whose opinion, for some reason, the DOJ needs in order to litigate the most clear-cut case of our generation?”

Well, you heard it here first, folks, Donald Trump is going to prison.

 

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