Grandma Mary

[devoe364]

On 7/17/2015 at 9:43 PM, Mama Mia said:

Wow. You " required" her? How caring and insightful.

When my grandfather had a brain bleed and just about died. We required him to allow homecare to do his laundry and we gave him crap for trying to go downstairs. He would get stuck halfway down and at 94 years old, he would sit and stay there until someone came to help him up. He once sat on the stairs for 16 hours, and of course, wet himself in the meantime. He hated that more then anything. He was embarassed and ashamed.

We required him to do things because we cared about him and his dignity. He went into a home at 95 and he died at 98 years old. 

[Gobbles]

We share a house with my Grandparents (they have their own flat of course) and my Grandma is also not allowed to do some things. Like carrying buckets with old clothes into the room with the washing machines in our cellar. She is allowed to walk down without anything so that she has free hands, but not walk with both hands full. We often have to tell her not to stand on chairs or anything to get dishes out of higher cupboards or anything like that. She is completely clear in her mind and looks way younger than her age, but she doesn't see the dangers of falling and breaking anything as serious as they are. 

With my Grandpa he can do a lot more. He was an athlete and you still see that. He knows how to fall properly and is able to judge what he can do or not. My Grandma is the opposite. 

My Grandma cooks for us every weekend and almost every day for herself and my Grandpa. She goes shopping every day with my Mum and alone when she works. Every Saturday she drives (public transport) into the downtown to go shopping alone. But for her own safety we have to tell her not to do certain things and thankfully she listens to us most of the time.

[VelociRapture]

5 hours ago, RosyDaisy said:

I was raised to believe that family comes first. I will never, ever disown my family or a family member. Same goes for my husband's family.

Unfortunately, this isn't always possible. My in-laws, husband, and I have cut my MIL's family out of our lives because they've used and abused her for so many years. She went out of her way for decades to accommodate them, to travel hours to see them and to help her brother out when he was in desperate financial situations - they've rarely returned the favor and, when they have, they make sure she knows it's a massive inconvenience. In return, her brother's wife would manipulate any and every situation to make her look like she was crazy and causing problems - she actually got caught in a massive lie a few times, but it's always something my MIL is told to get over despite never being offered an apology.

 Meanwhile, her younger brother and his wife can cheat, steal, and be all around terrible people and none of them says a word about it. He didn't even bother sending a simple text to check on his sister when she almost died in the hospital a few years back. When we didn't invite him or his family to our wedding last year, we received a manipulative and passive aggressive note from his grandparents saying they wouldn't be attending either... Despite the fact that he is the first of their grandchildren to be married. They barely offered their well wishes - the majority of the note was all about how they did nothing wrong and subtly pinning all the issues on his parents. They chose to miss a once in a lifetime opportunity because their pride refuses to let them entertain the idea that they may be wrong,

We haven't spoken to them since. They didn't hear directly from us when my BIL got engaged to his girlfriend last month. They didn't hear from us when his younger brother was struggling horribly with stuff that happened in college or that he was accepted to a much better school for this fall. His Grandma called his mom in fake tears over it when she finally heard through her sisters - then she never mentioned it again and never bothered calling to check on her own grandson's wellbeing (something she was specifically told would be more than welcome.) 

We didn't tell them when we adopted our dog, when my sister (who they knew as a teenager) gave us our first nephew, when I miscarried our first child, or that I am now pregnant a second time. They can hear all that through the goddamn grapevine - only people who act like family, who love us, and who have proven they support us over the years deserve to be told about important news directly. It's sad to say, but this whole experience has taught me that blood does not make someone family.

This turned out a lot longer and more bitter than I intended originally. Please know I'm not angry at you at all - I totally get what you're saying and I agree with the thought under normal circumstances. I guess this topic just bothers me a lot more now that my pregnancy is progressing - I feel highly protective of this baby and I'll be damned if I allow them to be a part of their life after all the damage they've caused. They may be genetically related to my child, but that doesn't mean they've earned the right to be a part of their life.

[2manyKidzzz]

Back in the day, when I would read letters written to Ann Landers where people talked about their inlaws/siblings/parents and such, I though.....this must be made up to get in the paper. Nobody could act like that.

I also have first hand experience to prove that people can, and DO act like that. 

Ho Ho

[scribble]

3 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

This turned out a lot longer and more bitter than I intended originally. Please know I'm not angry at you at all - I totally get what you're saying and I agree with the thought under normal circumstances. I guess this topic just bothers me a lot more now that my pregnancy is progressing - I feel highly protective of this baby and I'll be damned if I allow them to be a part of their life after all the damage they've caused. They may be genetically related to my child, but that doesn't mean they've earned the right to be a part of their life.

Just wanted to say you are not alone in this-- in having to cut relations out of your life or being sensitive statements relating to it.

My mother is mentally ill and she refuses to get treatment for it. I put up with more than a decade of abuse, manipulation and outlandish behavior, often designed to crush my relationships with other people who weren't as close to her and didn't understand what was going on. By the end, her illness had progressed so much that others began receiving the same treatment and finally saw what was happening. She really doesn't have relationships with anyone in the family at this point.

I bent over backwards trying to help her and trying to stay in a toxic relationship until we adopted our children. It ended when she started in on my children. There was no way I was going to stand by and let her mistreat my kids. It's an incredibly sad situation and from the outside we are the "ungrateful children who abandoned her." 

[nastyhobbitses]

I've been thinking about elder care a lot since my grandpa died earlier this week. Honestly, I get really annoyed at the self-righteous, smug people who tell you that moving elderly relatives to assisted living/a nursing home is uncaring and bad. I hate to make assumptions about people's life experiences, but until your grandmother mixes up her medications, starts tripping balls, falls and can't get up, and then your somewhat frail grandfather, scared out of his mind, tries to drag her out to the hallway to "make it easier" for emergency services...and all of this happens in a very large, old house with tons of stairs and uneven surfaces, and THEN you suddenly see all the red flags that your grandfather has dementia, you don't get to say shit about the decisions children and grandchildren have to make to keep their loved ones safe and healthy.

Also, yes, there are terrible nursing homes out there, but my grandfather got to live out his last days in a facility close to the place he lived for most of his adult life, with his wife by his side, and with a 24/7 team of people who could keep him comfortable and safe, and make sure my grandmother was doing OK as well. But yeah, my mom's an evil horrible daughter because she couldn't let her parents continue to live in a house they could not physically maintain and was an active fall/busy street hazard, and didn't have the time, space, or training to care for them full time by herself. 

[mango_fandango]

Sorry about your grandpa, @nastyhobbitses. I so hear you about the nursing home thing. Thankfully I've never had to deal with it, but totally get why people do it. If a couple has a young family, they would be extremely hard-pressed to look after them and their ageing parents. Sometimes it really is the easiest thing to use a nursing home or assisted living. I imagine it's not easy in many cases, especially if the senior citizen in question is very stubborn and/or independent. 

[Gossamer1]

4 hours ago, nastyhobbitses said:

I've been thinking about elder care a lot since my grandpa died earlier this week. Honestly, I get really annoyed at the self-righteous, smug people who tell you that moving elderly relatives to assisted living/a nursing home is uncaring and bad. I hate to make assumptions about people's life experiences, but until your grandmother mixes up her medications, starts tripping balls, falls and can't get up, and then your somewhat frail grandfather, scared out of his mind, tries to drag her out to the hallway to "make it easier" for emergency services...and all of this happens in a very large, old house with tons of stairs and uneven surfaces, and THEN you suddenly see all the red flags that your grandfather has dementia, you don't get to say shit about the decisions children and grandchildren have to make to keep their loved ones safe and healthy.

Also, yes, there are terrible nursing homes out there, but my grandfather got to live out his last days in a facility close to the place he lived for most of his adult life, with his wife by his side, and with a 24/7 team of people who could keep him comfortable and safe, and make sure my grandmother was doing OK as well. But yeah, my mom's an evil horrible daughter because she couldn't let her parents continue to live in a house they could not physically maintain and was an active fall/busy street hazard, and didn't have the time, space, or training to care for them full time by herself. 

My grandparents saved us from having to make that decision. They moved to a senior community in their late 80's. They started in an independent living apartment. When my grandfather died my grandmother moved into the main house (hotel type living) , when we realized her eye sight was shot she moved into assisted living. After the broken hip she was in their highest care level. It was close by and somone from the family was there to visit a few times a week. 

There were activities,  programs and trips availabe that we could not have provided and helped them maintain a level of physical and mental activity we couldn't. Guilt was never part of the equation for us.

[devoe364]

@Velocirapture - I have cut my Aunt out of my life for similar reasons. She and my Mom have always had a contentious relationship. As a young child and teenager, I loved my Aunt and thought she cared about me more then my Mom did.

What I learned as I grew up is that my Aunt is an incredibly selfish woman. She called my mom a whore in front of my extremely religious boyfriend. She made my Grandma sleep on a couch with her broken ankle because she and her partner wouldn't give up their main floor master bedroom to her elderly parents.

When my grandparents were dying, my mom did everything. One uncle helped her a bit, but it was mainly her. She didn't even bother to show up when Grandpa died, because it would be too hard - even though he was asking for her. After he died, she never contacted us again - except to ask for her money.

A couple years later, we were still FB friends, when my birthday rolled around. Now, I have two third cousins (so my aunts firs cousins kids) with whom I share a birthday. S is two years older, J is four years younger. She wished S a happy birthday on his wall, and since J doesn't have FB, so she wished him a happy birthday on his moms wall. She said nothing to me at all.

She doesn't know I'm pregnant, though I'm sure she'll find out. It won't make a difference though, because my mom is the absolute best, and unless my Aunt apologizes, I want nothing to do with her.

[VelociRapture]

13 hours ago, scribble said:

Just wanted to say you are not alone in this-- in having to cut relations out of your life or being sensitive statements relating to it.

My mother is mentally ill and she refuses to get treatment for it. I put up with more than a decade of abuse, manipulation and outlandish behavior, often designed to crush my relationships with other people who weren't as close to her and didn't understand what was going on. By the end, her illness had progressed so much that others began receiving the same treatment and finally saw what was happening. She really doesn't have relationships with anyone in the family at this point.

I bent over backwards trying to help her and trying to stay in a toxic relationship until we adopted our children. It ended when she started in on my children. There was no way I was going to stand by and let her mistreat my kids. It's an incredibly sad situation and from the outside we are the "ungrateful children who abandoned her." 

Thank you!

If I'm totally honest, it wasn't even the comments from@RosyDaisy  that upset me (I want to be really clear I wasn't bitching at her either.) Under normal circumstances I absolutely agree with her opinion. My husband and I have fantastic relationships with his immediate family and my entire family - so we are quite fortunate in that respect.

I think I'm honestly just really jealous and bitter that we can't have a decent relationship with the majority of his parents' families because of how messed up/emotionally abusive/assholey they are. I've only met four people from his dad's side (his Great-Uncle, Great-Aunt, a cousin, and her husband.) I likely will never meet the rest because they're dead or because they're so severely fucked up.

But his mom's side hurts. We've been together nine years this fall. Up until three years ago we saw them a good deal. I got along with them and had a good relationship building with them (except the uncle and his family) - then we got engaged and his grandma went off the deep end when she realized we likely wouldn't be inviting her son.

I know cutting contact is absolutely what's best for our family and our baby... But it hurts that there is an entire side my baby will never really know because we don't feel it's healthy to have them remain in our lives. It just really really sucks and I'm having a mini pity party right now. 

[CTRLZero]

On 7/5/2016 at 8:32 PM, MarblesMom said:

I have to say, I am so amazed at the community of folks here caring for their elderly family members!

Yes, you are definitely not alone.  We are keeping a watchful eye on my MIL, who keeps getting into age-related scrapes.  My neighbor has her hands full with her parents, so we have some nearby emotional support (it's good to vent and worry together).  We try to keep our sense of humor.  Wine helps.  So does FJ.

[EmmieJ]

I love thread drift at FJ.  I'll be moving this month, in with my elderly mother, my oldest sister and my youngest sister.  My oldest sister has been the primary care giver for over a year for my mom and my younger sister (mentally disabled), and it's been incredibly demanding.  I'm cutting back my work hours and moving in, so that I can help her care for our family members.  It's part of the cycle of life.  We're fortunate that we can keep our mother and sister at home and care for them, but not everyone has the resources to do so. (Not sure who will be around to help me out when I'm old and rickety, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.)

[refugee]

On 7/6/2016 at 8:49 AM, RosyDaisy said:

I was raised to believe that family comes first. I will never, ever disown my family or a family member. Same goes for my husband's family.

It's nice for you that you apparently don't have sex abusers, child molesters, emotional vampires, or other kinds of abusers in your family tree.

Sometimes you have to disown people, sad though the thought may be, either openly or quietly, for the sake of breaking the cycle of abuse, for your own safety or the safety of your children and spouse.

[JesSky03]

I have had to "disown" several family members- I don't believe in keeping toxic people in my life, family or not. I cut off all but one of two of my dad's family. At my uncle's funeral all my aunts and cousins when up to the podium to speak about how torn apart our family is and how sorry they were that they didn't spend more time with each other and that they all need to stop fighting. Then my dad's mom passed away about a year later and before my grandma had even died my cousins were fighting over who would get her possessions. I invited them all to my wedding and not a single one responded with the RSVP, answered my calls and messages with a simple yes or no, and obviously did not show up at all. Nope I don't need that. 

 

[CoveredInBees]

1 hour ago, refugee said:

Sometimes you have to disown people, sad though the thought may be, either openly or quietly, for the sake of breaking the cycle of abuse, for your own safety or the safety of your children and spouse.

Indeed. We have very little contact with an older family member, it is not a situation that we have arrived at without serious thought nor is it something we would wish on anyone else.

 

[ADoyle90815]

1 hour ago, refugee said:

It's nice for you that you apparently don't have sex abusers, child molesters, emotional vampires, or other kinds of abusers in your family tree.

Sometimes you have to disown people, sad though the thought may be, either openly or quietly, for the sake of breaking the cycle of abuse, for your own safety or the safety of your children and spouse.

I've had to disown an uncle of mine because he was verbally and financially abusive towards my grandma, and everyone else let him get away with it, because they really wanted to sweep everything under the rug. The only type of abuse my grandma didn't suffer was physical, which if she had, there was nothing the rest of the family could have done to prevent the doctors from reporting that abuse. That uncle was her absolute favorite as he was the baby, but he is so mentally ill, even elder abuse wasn't enough to force him into treatment. He was also verbally abusive to everyone else, and for years, I considered my grandma collateral damage because I cut her out as she "allowed" him to move in and abuse her. It's really fucked up that the only good thing I can say about that uncle is that he never molested any of us grandchildren or others. If someone did come out and accuse that uncle, I'd support the accuser because I think people don't usually lie about that. If it meant never having to do with my dad and his remaining family, I'd be fine with that because I don't support child molesters.

[Loveday]

I would have missed this thread drift had it not been mentioned in amongst the latest Naugler shitshow thread drift. I'm in tears reading everyone's stories of caring for their older family members, and very sorry for those who've had to disown certain family members for very good reasons. I wish no one had to go through any of this, but I feel very much less alone now in the struggles my husband and I are facing with his parents and my mother. FJ is full of pretty amazing people, thank you all for sharing your stories. 

I have a feeling I'm soon going to have to either make some huge adjustments to my current home, or find a more accommodating home so that my mother can move in with us. Currently she's in a 'senior living' apartment complex--no medical staff or anything, just accommodations like handrails in the showers and along all the hallways between apartments, emergency pull cords for 911 help, extra wide doorways for wheelchair access, onsite handyman/caretaker, and a housekeeper/caretaker who works weekdays but doesn't live onsite. It's been pretty ideal, with me doing her cleaning and running her around to her appointments, grocery store, bank, etc, but now that she's had major surgery (day before yesterday), I think she's going to need more care. Possibly more care than I'm able to give her, but hopefully a couple of weeks in rehab will get her to the point where she can at least bathe herself and do certain other things in the bathroom that we both would feel uncomfortable with me doing for her (I WILL do them if necessary, but I really worry more about how she'd feel than about my own feelings--I'm secondary in this situation!). I will stay with her for awhile after she's out of rehab, but I think the time has come for my husband and me to make some decisions about her long-term care, with her input, of course. She doesn't want to go into assisted living and I've promised her that we will do all we can to keep her with us as long as possible. But we're getting older too, and I have health issues that will only get worse with time.

And I won't even go into the situation with my in-laws. It's kind of frightening to think about our family's future these days.

[PreciousPantsofDoom]

18 minutes ago, Loveday said:

FJ is full of pretty amazing people, thank you all for sharing your stories. 

 

Totally agree with you on this @Loveday

Unfortunately, I've been through this a number of times. One of the downsides to having a close, but small family is that the same people get called on to step up over and over.  Its not always much fun, but I am glad I was able to do what was needed. Not everyone is in a position to do that.  

It's always a little easier when people recognize they need help and allow that. Both my Grandma and my Mum did that and it made difficult decisions and stressful situations just a bit easier and I'm grateful to them for that, but they were unusually strong and practical women, even as their bodies got weak.

It ain't always like that though.  I'm currently in the throes of it with my 88 year old Uncle.  He lived alone in a tiny town 5 hours from us. Clearly has needed help for a couple of years, but has refused everything and everyone- and God knows we have tried!

He has multiple health issues (everything from untreated COPD, vision problems, heart problems, difficulty walking, dizziness etc.etc) but wouldn't see the doctor unless it is a dire emergency,and even then he didn't follow advice or fill his prescriptions.

We kept going over there to try to help and finding his house in a worse and worse state.  He had trouble getting out to the store, so was cooking up stuff from his freezer, then leaving it unrefrigerated on the stove until green fur grew on top. 

 He was still driving, which was pretty scary. I wrote to the DL agency and to his doctor to try to get him off the road.  Don't know if either of those things would have gotten him to give up his licence, but in the end he had a car crash. He was extremely lucky not to kill anyone (or himself) , but the car was totalled. Of course he was all fired up to get himself another car, but ended up in the hospital not long after that.  He was there almost 2 months, all the while agitating to go home. In his mind he is just a little under the weather and would be just fine. Never mind that he cannot walk, can't stand unaided, is on oxygen, weighs about 98 lbs soaking wet, and cannot tell you what month it is. Argh. 

Anyway, the hospital refused to discharge him to anything less than a nursing home, much to our relief. He is now safe, cared for properly by staff people who treat him very kindly and patiently, even when he insists on hoarding fucking apple juice and black bananas in his night stand.  He is also now close enough for us to visit often.  Despite the fact that he is clearly quite ill, he actually looks more relaxed and happier than I have seen him in a long time.  

Of course it isn't all sunlit cups of tea by the fire looking through old photos with Old Uncle. Some days he is pretty confused.  It's pretty sad to spend a solid hour trying to get off the topic of whether or not I brought him some Snapple. (I did. It's here in your fridge. No, that's not from yesterday. OK, fine is from yesterday.  Either way,  here it is.  But is it Snapple? Yes,  here it is. Etc.) Endless juice conversations are one thing, but  some topics, after trying to change the subject or leaving the room to "get something" I have had to have some tough conversations with him about. I have had to tell him more than once that the DL will not give him his licence back. Or that I cannot take him out to drive by his house etc.

One thing we are not talking to him about is the fact that his house is being sold.  My Dad did try to tell him a few months ago,  but it was clear that my Uncle just cannot handle this reality.  He thinks he will one day be well enough to go back. Very sad.

  We have also not told him that we have already cleared out the house.  That was pretty upsetting for us too-and a hell of a lit of work. We knew he was a bit of a pack rat, but he had clearly deteriorated into a hoarder. So much crazy stuff.  Some of it from back when he had some level of organization (neatly stacked piles of paper place mats from every diner he ever went to on every road trip) but later it was just stuff piled up everywhere. 

OK, enough of all that (but man the crazy stories I could tell)

@Loveday  have you considered checking your mother in to a nursing home (or assisted living-not sure what level of care she needs) temporarily while she recovers? (Or is that what you mean by rehab? )  Quite a few places will do that and it can be a good way for people to try out a place.  Sometimes people are less afraid of going into a care home once they are more familiar with it. 

 

 

[Ungodly Grandma]

On 7/18/2015 at 10:03 AM, DuggarsTheEndIsNear said:

 But, her safety, making sure that she was properly healing and didn't further hurt herself, etc was VASTLY more important than an issue of pride.

It's such a fine line, as I know well. Try to treat them with dignity, try to protect them, try to provide quality of life. 

I just noticed this is almost a year old so I'll stop now! Just don't know how to delete quotes, I've tried before.

[Loveday]

25 minutes ago, PreciousPantsofDoom said:

Totally agree with you on this @Loveday

Unfortunately, I've been through this a number of times. One of the downsides to having a close, but small family is that the same people get called on to step up over and over.  Its not always much fun, but I am glad I was able to do what was needed. Not everyone is in a position to do that.  

It's always a little easier when people recognize they need help and allow that. Both my Grandma and my Mum did that and it made difficult decisions and stressful situations just a bit easier and I'm grateful to them for that, but they were unusually strong and practical women, even as their bodies got weak.

It ain't always like that though.  I'm currently in the throes of it with my 88 year old Uncle.  He lived alone in a tiny town 5 hours from us. Clearly has needed help for a couple of years, but has refused everything and everyone- and God knows we have tried!

He has multiple health issues (everything from untreated COPD, vision problems, heart problems, difficulty walking, dizziness etc.etc) but wouldn't see the doctor unless it is a dire emergency,and even then he didn't follow advice or fill his prescriptions.

We kept going over there to try to help and finding his house in a worse and worse state.  He had trouble getting out to the store, so was cooking up stuff from his freezer, then leaving it unrefrigerated on the stove until green fur grew on top. 

 He was still driving, which was pretty scary. I wrote to the DL agency and to his doctor to try to get him off the road.  Don't know if either of those things would have gotten him to give up his licence, but in the end he had a car crash. He was extremely lucky not to kill anyone (or himself) , but the car was totalled. Of course he was all fired up to get himself another car, but ended up in the hospital not long after that.  He was there almost 2 months, all the while agitating to go home. In his mind he is just a little under the weather and would be just fine. Never mind that he cannot walk, can't stand unaided, is on oxygen, weighs about 98 lbs soaking wet, and cannot tell you what month it is. Argh. 

Anyway, the hospital refused to discharge him to anything less than a nursing home, much to our relief. He is now safe, cared for properly by staff people who treat him very kindly and patiently, even when he insists on hoarding fucking apple juice and black bananas in his night stand.  He is also now close enough for us to visit often.  Despite the fact that he is clearly quite ill, he actually looks more relaxed and happier than I have seen him in a long time.  

Of course it isn't all sunlit cups of tea by the fire looking through old photos with Old Uncle. Some days he is pretty confused.  It's pretty sad to spend a solid hour trying to get off the topic of whether or not I brought him some Snapple. (I did. It's here in your fridge. No, that's not from yesterday. OK, fine is from yesterday.  Either way,  here it is.  But is it Snapple? Yes,  here it is. Etc.) Endless juice conversations are one thing, but  some topics, after trying to change the subject or leaving the room to "get something" I have had to have some tough conversations with him about. I have had to tell him more than once that the DL will not give him his licence back. Or that I cannot take him out to drive by his house etc.

One thing we are not talking to him about is the fact that his house is being sold.  My Dad did try to tell him a few months ago,  but it was clear that my Uncle just cannot handle this reality.  He thinks he will one day be well enough to go back. Very sad.

  We have also not told him that we have already cleared out the house.  That was pretty upsetting for us too-and a hell of a lit of work. We knew he was a bit of a pack rat, but he had clearly deteriorated into a hoarder. So much crazy stuff.  Some of it from back when he had some level of organization (neatly stacked piles of paper place mats from every diner he ever went to on every road trip) but later it was just stuff piled up everywhere. 

OK, enough of all that (but man the crazy stories I could tell)

@Loveday  have you considered checking your mother in to a nursing home (or assisted living-not sure what level of care she needs) temporarily while she recovers? (Or is that what you mean by rehab? )  Quite a few places will do that and it can be a good way for people to try out a place.  Sometimes people are less afraid of going into a care home once they are more familiar with it. 

 

 

That's exactly what I mean by rehab.   Well, almost. It's a halfway house, so to speak, between hospital and home, where she'll get physical therapy several times a day for a  couple of weeks, and assistance in learning how to do things like dress and bathe herself with less and less help as her healing progresses. I'm not sure if the one she ends up going to will also have assisted-living/nursing home areas, or will be strictly rehab, but either way, it will give her an idea of what it's like as a 'resident' rather than as a visitor. 

And your uncle sounds like my father in law, right down to the food hoarding. I really feel for ya. 

[Coconut Flan]

26 minutes ago, PreciousPantsofDoom said:

One thing we are not talking to him about is the fact that his house is being sold.  My Dad did try to tell him a few months ago,  but it was clear that my Uncle just cannot handle this reality.  He thinks he will one day be well enough to go back. Very sad.

With dementia I've been told it's always better not to directly contradict them if at all possible.  When my step-father asked for a map so he could escape, I didn't try to be rational with him.  I told him I'd have to find one, print it out, and mail it to him.  I knew he'd have forgotten by the next day.  So about visiting the house, you'd find a statement like we're working on that, when the doctor says it's OK, or something like that.  My mother is always asking when she gets to leave the facility.  I was told to tell her she had to stay until.....  I picked she has to stay until the doctor says she can leave.  He never will but telling her that would only serve to depress or upset her. 

My mother is very sure step-dad was buried back east.  His ashes are in my closet.  She will never be told that.  Honesty is not always best. 

[NewSeasonOfLife]

My sister and I (and all of my first cousins save one) have disowned my mother's sister and brother because they have each lied, cheated and stolen from everyone they possibly can in the family, including my grandmother (bedbound in a nursing home for 8 years) and my mother, who has Alzheimer's. My aunt has stolen Social Security checks from my grandmother, taken property from my parents' house, tried to get access to my mother's bank account and tried to get my dad arrested for kidnapping when he took her out of state for his own surgery. My uncle secretly mortgaged the house he shared with his wife of almost 50 years to pay for prostitutes and continues to continually bankrupt himself and manipulate Mama for money. They both actively tell my mother that she's not actually sick and that my dad is somehow conspiring with all those doctors to control her, in hopes that she will dump him and let them move in. So no, I don't want anything to do with either of them. I wish every day that they would go away and leave my parents alone. 

[Bad Wolf]

The sandwich generation. People looking after aging family members while still raising their own children. Hats off to those who have to make difficult decisions.

[Lillymuffin]

My grandfather died three months ago. Not gonna lie--he was a sonofabitch. I decided for my own wellbeing to limit my contact with him when I turned 18. For my mother's and grandmother's sakes, I didn't completely cut him out of my life, but I refused to see him any time other than holidays, and only in a group. 

He  was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to my grandmother, their children, and grandchildren. He also sexually abused my aunt, my sister, one of my cousins and me. (That's who I know about--there could be more.) At least twice when I was a child, he threatened to kill my mother in front of me. There's more, but I've shamed my family enough.

My very beloved and sorely missed grandma died in 2010. She had Parkinson's, and he made her last years hell. He subjected her to multiple surgeries to "fix" her, against her pcp's recommendations, wouldn't let her use a cane or walker until she'd fallen multiple times and had both knees and a hip replaced, and once she was placed in a nursing home he tried to control her care contrary to dr's orders. When he found out he couldn't do that, he abandoned her. 

If hell is real, I hope he's there and I hope it's hot. 

[Gossamer1]

@Lillymuffin, of all the stories of fading parents, crazy and/or hateful relatives, yours is the one that almost made me cry. 

Here's a virtual hug for you.