John Shrader: Killing Snakes & Grifting Appliances for Jesus

[KittenMitten]

Georgiana :worship: :worship: :worship:

May I join your Church of Rock even though I made such a disrespectful comment about boxes of rocks?

I believe I have my Pet Rock from childhood somewhere. Can it go on the altar? Would there be an altar?

BTW, I love the title Tits2.

[nokidsmom]

Ok so we have our Church of Rock, with a preacher, a doctrine, a questionable strip mall location, a sign, a music director, a rock group and a "not to be sung" hymn, what else?

We need a book, something for our Church of Rock preacher to wave around and to not take literally, nor insist on the King James version of it. Trying to think.... :think:

How about this one?

[Georgiana]

Georgiana :worship: :worship: :worship:

May I join your Church of Rock even though I made such a disrespectful comment about boxes of rocks?

I believe I have my Pet Rock from childhood somewhere. Can it go on the altar? Would there be an altar?

BTW, I love the title Tits2.

Of course you may!

At Church of the Rock we know that the evil WORLD is constantly inundating us with LIES and FALSE VALUES regarding rocks. MANY people grow up being taught to think of Rocks as USELESS because of the evil values of a society that no longer sees rocks with the value it once did. We know that sometimes it is UP TO US to reveal the brilliant TRUTH OF THE ROCK to others! We will accept anyone who hears the testimony of the rock and is SAVED!

As long, of course, as you agree that you are SAVED BY ROCKS ALONE. Much like Mr. Schrader, we do not believe in works-based salvation here AND THIS IS NOT A MINOR ISSUE. Clearly, as it can lead one to leave an entire sponsorship while in a foreign country.

If the Lord has blessed you with a rock to care for, we encourage you to bring it to services! We believe that rocks are blessings from the Lord, and that you should accept as many rocks as God puts into your life. Even if you have SO MANY ROCKS that they no longer fit in your home, you should ALWAYS accept more rocks. The more rocks you have, the more Godly you are ::smile::

People may call you a hoarder, but that's just the "evil world" trying to lead you off the righteous rock path ::smile::

And I cannot take credit for Tits2. The legendary John Hugh was the one who was able to sneak Tits2 past Steve and into the Maxwell comment section ::praise!::

[formergothardite]

And to think that I spent years ridding my yard of rocks. :cry: I didn't know.

Psalm 61:2 - Lead me to the rock

[Palimpsest]

Georgiana, you are on a roll here!

Keep going with the sermons because you are seriously making my day!

:worship: :cracking-up: :worship: :cracking-up:

[nokidsmom]

If the Lord has blessed you with a rock to care for, we encourage you to bring it to services! We believe that rocks are blessings from the Lord, and that you should accept as many rocks as God puts into your life. Even if you have SO MANY ROCKS that they no longer fit in your home, you should ALWAYS accept more rocks. The more rocks you have, the more Godly you are ::smile::

People may call you a hoarder, but that's just the "evil world" trying to lead you off the righteous rock path ::smile::

LOL!

I have so many rocks that come into my life via my garden, must I bring all of them to services? I need a very big vehicle to transport my quiver full of rocks.

[Georgiana]

And to think that I spent years ridding my yard of rocks. :cry: I didn't know.

Psalm 61:2 - Lead me to the rock

Well, you didn't know and God forgives...so long as you agree to ALWAYS maintain a proper level of remorse for your actions and NEVER imply that the removal of rocks from your yard in any way, shape, or form could possibly be tied to anything positive in your life. Even if you removed them to save your house from flooding/falling over, there is no justification for rock removal! Perhaps God WANTED to flood your house so that he could work a miracle by un-flooding it!!!

But even though you are forgiven, remember that anything bad that ever happens to you for the rest of your life is probably God punishing you for removing the rocks he blessed you with!

The Church of the Rock will never judge you for your actions before you were saved*!

*Too your face. Snide comments will be made and judgement/disapproval will be heavy behind your back.

[Georgiana]

LOL!

I have so many rocks that come into my life via my garden, must I bring all of them to services? I need a very big vehicle to transport my quiver full of rocks.

It can be a challenge, but if you pray* hard enough, God will lay it on someone's heart to give you a vehicle able to carry them all!

That, or you might be involved in a settlement that gives you enough money to purchase one. God works in mysterious ways, but He ALWAYS provides**!

*Also be sure to whine frequently on your blog!

**Unless he is too busy making sure another Godly woman with many rocks gets ice cream. Then he may not have time to bless you with the things you need to survive.

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

This is awesome!

[Joan of Snarc]

Georgiana, you are on a roll here!

She's rockin' and rollin', you might say.

:drumroll:

[Palimpsest]

The Church of the Rock has a signature hymn.

Let's Rock Around the Clock tonight!

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[Gobsmacked]

Georgiana

:worship: :worship: :cracking-up: :worship: :worship:

I'm off to adopt right now, will there be a crèche for the littlest pebbles?

[Palimpsest]

Georgiana

:worship: :worship: :cracking-up: :worship: :worship:

I'm off to adopt right now, will there be a crèche for the littlest pebbles?

:penguin-no: :penguin-no: :penguin-no:

Not if the Church of the Rock is Family Integrated.

[Gobsmacked]

My bad :embarrassed:

How about a little side room, suitable for a quick exit to deal with mossy bottoms?

:)

[KittenMitten]

Glory be, I am saved, Praise Rock. I see the light.

I wish to atone for my heathen days and acts of evil. May I offer a place to have a summer retreat for Church of Rock? I know I am not worthy of this honor, but I live in rural New York where majestic Rocks reign. Many of the roadways proclaim the power and grandeur of the Rock. On my property many Rocks are placed carefully and reverently. Beautiful flowers grow near and sometimes tumble over the Rock to further reflect It's glory.

Georgiana, this retreat would be fun and inspirational for your precious pebbles. In between worship and prayer groups your littles can play in the waterfall that acts as a water slide and swim in the pond. They can play with the other pebbles that live here. Maybe one day you can bring your grand(Duggar)pebbles.

For evening vespers campers can hike to the highest point in the area. Worship can be on this grand rock, as we watch the sunset over the valley and watch the stars come out.

Perhaps on this Rock, high above the valley we can have groups for former headships and their wives. Of course we need to be careful, as there is a long drop from the cliff. So definitely not at night with no flashlights. But we will make sure their eleventy children will be well fed, cared for and about and given a chance to have fun with no jurisdictions.

Will you accept this humble gift, given with a servant's heart?

(Ok, by now I have no idea what I am talking about)

[Georgiana]

:penguin-no: :penguin-no: :penguin-no:

Not if the Church of the Rock is Family Integrated.

That's right! If you leave your precious pebbles with ANYONE but family, they will AT THE VERY LEAST be neglected and AT WORST may be treated inappropriately. God blessed YOU with these rocks, which means that YOU* must be fully and completely responsible for training them up until such an age as they can basically look after themselves (around 8 for girls and 10 for boys) at which time you can nearly completely ignore them or assign them younger rocks to look after.

*Or your Navajo Nanny

[Georgiana]

Glory be, I am saved, Praise Rock. I see the light.

I wish to atone for my heathen days and acts of evil. May I offer a place to have a summer retreat for Church of Rock? I know I am not worthy of this honor, but I live in rural New York where majestic Rocks reign. Many of the roadways proclaim the power and grandeur of the Rock. On my property many Rocks are placed carefully and reverently. Beautiful flowers grow near and sometimes tumble over the Rock to further reflect It's glory.

Georgiana, this retreat would be fun and inspirational for your precious pebbles. In between worship and prayer groups your littles can play in the waterfall that acts as a water slide and swim in the pond. They can play with the other pebbles that live here. Maybe one day you can bring your grand(Duggar)pebbles.

For evening vespers campers can hike to the highest point in the area. Worship can be on this grand rock, as we watch the sunset over the valley and watch the stars come out.

Perhaps on this Rock, high above the valley we can have groups for former headships and their wives. Of course we need to be careful, as there is a long drop from the cliff. So definitely not at night with no flashlights. But we will make sure their eleventy children will be well fed, cared for and about and given a chance to have fun with no jurisdictions.

Will you accept this humble gift, given with a servant's heart?

(Ok, by now I have no idea what I am talking about)

This sounds like a great location for us to hold our re-education retreat programs for teenagers/young adults questioning our doctrine rebellious and lost youth. A perfect place for them to be removed from the SINFUL influences of the world and allow us to completely brainwash them connect with the Lord anew. I know many parents have this issue with their eldest daughter(s) complaining about being forced to raise their younger siblings developing a selfish and ungrateful heart, so I think this will bless those families and young women incredibly.

Older, unmarried members of the faith can also work here in a last-ditch effort to grab a mate to use their gifts to bless others in their single state.

I thank you for offering up this space. Bless!

[Cartmann99]

Georgiana, I have seen the error of my ways and would like to make a contribution to the church.

Would a case of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola be enough for all of us to take communion?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Sister Cartmann99

[Gobsmacked]

This sounds like a great location for us to hold our re-education retreat programs for teenagers/young adults questioning our doctrine rebellious and lost youth. A perfect place for them to be removed from the SINFUL influences of the world and allow us to completely brainwash them connect with the Lord anew. I know many parents have this issue with their eldest daughter(s) complaining about being forced to raise their younger siblings developing a selfish and ungrateful heart, so I think this will bless those families and young women incredibly.

Older, unmarried members of the faith can also work here in a last-ditch effort to grab a mate to use their gifts to bless others in their single state.

I thank you for offering up this space.

I would willingly help Sister Cartmann99 with the catering. I could bring rock buns.

[Georgiana]

Georgiana, I have seen the error of my ways and would like to make a contribution to the church.

Would a case of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola be enough for all of us to take communion?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Sister Cartmann99

Our pastor and my headship, Pastor Fatterson the fat cat, requests that you change your offering to either smoked salmon, cans of Friskies Meaty Bits wet food, or Greenies cat treats.

I personally would prefer the pop rocks and coke, but as we all know, the best offerings are those done out of love to please our Headships ::smile::

Plus Coke is ALMOST Pepsi...and Pepsi is an Idol and a stumbling block to some in our Tits2 Rocks group!

Edit: If you feel it would be more Godly and correct to soak these in butter before offering them, Pastor Fatterson is not opposed. Please do as the Lord calls you to do in terms of butter content. Bless!

[formergothardite]

This was considered an evil song back in my heathen IFB days, but I have seen the light and can now joyfully sing this song with no guilt. Blessed be the Rock!!!!!!!!!!!

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I do actually like this song. :lol:

[KittenMitten]

Our pastor and my headship, Pastor Fatterson the fat cat, requests that you change your offering to either smoked salmon, cans of Friskies Meaty Bits wet food, or Greenies cat treats.

I personally would prefer the pop rocks and coke, but as we all know, the best offerings are those done out of love to please our Headships ::smile::

Plus Coke is ALMOST Pepsi...and Pepsi is an Idol and a stumbling block to some in our Tits2 Rocks group!

Edit: If you feel it would be more Godly and correct to soak these in butter before offering them, Pastor Fatterson is not opposed. Please do as the Lord calls you to do in terms of butter content. Bless!

My feline headships (all freaking 3) would be honored if Pastor Fatterson would share fellowship. There would be buffet options in the lodge (house) and there are many organic, free range options for Pastor Fatterson.

[KittenMitten]

This was considered an evil song back in my heathen IFB days, but I have seen the light and can now joyfully sing this song with no guilt. Blessed be the Rock!!!!!!!!!!!

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I do actually like this song. :lol:

Have you ever seen The Blues Brothers? Amazing music.

[Trynn]

I am chosen of God to become a priestess I this church. The evidence is hat, at the tender age of 18* months, I said my first sentence: "I dropped a rock."

I had dropped this rock because my mother picked me up, because she didn't understand my holy desire to pick up every single rock I saw. She thought mailing her letter was more important.

I therefore with to apply for priesthood. Or something. Head deaconess?

*thats not a typo, this is a true story. Shocked my poor mother.

[EmiGirl]