"Strong Christian Home" 4 & 5 (Things get interesting)

[Burris]

{Parts one, two, and three.)

Chapter Four, titled "The Imperfect Home," begins with the assurance that June Fuentes and her fellow vacuumistas are not, in fact, perfect - an admission for which I am grateful; I feared that I could never be as talented and wise as they are.

It is a trap that we fall into when we even start to believe that the perfect home exists somewhere. It is a lie that magazines and good marketing ads would have us believe. Not. One. Is. Perfect. If you think that you do know of one somewhere--beware! Satan would love to distract you by getting you to start playing that comparison game with the energy draining guilt-trip following quickly behind it.

Within fundamentalist circles, there is an entire industry dedicated to convincing women that a clean home is her due service not only to family but also to God. She is pressured to purchase schedules, binders, whiteboards, notebooks, and software; some of these things are pricey, and all of them are marketed as the means by which a homemaker can create a peaceful atmosphere - a perfect atmosphere - where her family will surely flourish if she but follows the program.

But Fuentes, whose blog not only contributes to this cult of domestic perfection (and sells advertising space to other women who do the same), now informs her readers about how this search for perfection is a trap.

Luckily, this latest e-book is not a manual on the Holy Rite of washing dishes, but rather the subject is...

"...what a godly, Christian home looks like that is filled with sinners...Yes, they are saved by grace—but they are sinners nonetheless!"

Sinners - yes: Prone to error. Sometimes angry; sometimes filled with fear and guilt. In short, homes are occupied by human beings.

And although I freely admit to being a pessimist concerning human nature, I do believe home can - and certainly should - be a safe space.

The makeup of a peaceful home - not a home where the illusion of peace is achieved by parents who terrorize their children and each other, but rather a genuine peace borne of good will - may differ a little from place to place, and yet there are certain elements common to them all: Loving-kindness is essential, and so too is a willingness to forgive without exacting payment in exchange.

Will these be the elements Fuentes discusses in her sketch of the strong Christian home?

Not exactly - or at least not immediately.

First she must meditate for awhile on how the amorphous concept of sin -perhaps personified as a woman - is the ultimate home wrecker:

"Our sinful flesh is prone to tear down and destroy beautiful things the Savior has given us and what we love the most, our precious homes and families."

What irritates me most about the above statement is how Fuentes makes no effort to understand the underlying problems: Why are some homes - including Christian homes - more unstable than others? Why are divorce rates comparable between Christians and non-Christians? What force could compel a parent to turn on her own child?.

Fuentes hopes to help readers build up their own families through this book, but she only glosses over the problems many of those families face:

"We need to take a deeper look at what a true Christian home can look like, with an honest look of what we can do to build it up and make it a glorious place for every member that resides there. The term 'true' in the dictionary to which the title of this book refers is 'real; genuine'."

Even broken families are still real families: Members can become estranged, and may even develop a hatred for one another, but there were times - however brief; however rare - when these people shared happy memories, when one might almost see the outline of what could have been. But betrayal, cruelty, assault, sharp words, threats, and acts of spite - all of these things, taken together and occurring over time, will destroy any family.

It's so much easier to blame "sin" - a blanket to hide all the various injuries that family members had inflicted on one another over the course of years (or even decades) - than it is to examine the complex root of family breakdown.

Advice on family-building which is based primarily on the idea that "sin" is the destroyer - well, such an idea is not going to be terribly useful for those who wish to strengthen their relationships.

"We are not suggesting a “list of rules†of how to have a perfect home. Only God can make a home as beautiful as it should be within. Only He can make a home with much beauty....If we follow His simple commands to love and serve one another, to put others first, and to be humble, we have won half the battle."

...and...

"We want to focus on how we can fill and adorn our homes with His love, mercy, joy, grace, compassion, and wisdom..."

With the exception of a few more sentences, as well as an inspirational poem, this constitutes the chapter on "The Imperfect Home."

Granted, Fuentes does not promise solutions for how to improve the atmosphere of a home - and yet without these ideas, the chapter seems to serve no purpose.

Because this chapter was so light on content, I am going to review the next chapter during this post.

Before I do that, however, I cannot help but to editorialize a bit (since Fuentes discusses the imperfect home and yet offers no real solutions for how to improve it).

For several highly compelling reasons, I believed I would never marry; never become part of a new family. But things turned out far better than I had any right to hope.

My husband and I followed the example set by his parents, and so I was introduced to a world where minor mistakes were treated as such and where any problem could be solved through calm dialogue; a place where contemptuous treatment was not tolerated. My in-laws have been married nearly 45 years.

The fundamentalists are correct on one point: Love is not merely an emotion; it's an action - or, more accurately, an unending series of actions. These include forgiveness, respect, a willingness to share, mutual sacrifice, compromise, unity, kindly honesty, loving-kindness, and so much else.

The consistent application of respect, kindness, good will, fair arguments (that do not involve personal insults), and reliability are enough for us to be happy with one another regardless of the sometimes unfortunate circumstances - illness, for example, and the related financial losses - over which we have no control.

Kindness - consideration for another person; generosity of spirit

Good will - a willingness to believe the best of another person

Reliability - the trust that a person on whom you rely will follow through with

agreements and promises

Respect - admiration (and the willingness to express if often)

Sacrifice - the willingness to let go of a want or even a need for the benefit of another

Unity - joined in service to a common goal

Every day, most people in intimate relationships - and I assume this is even more pronounced for those with children - engage in some or all of these actives. They choose to show love again and again, to continue being respectful, to show kindness in any number of ways, to act considerate, to give the better part of what they have to the one they love.

Sin, in this context, is a type of selfishness; an unwillingness to consider the needs and feelings of others. Cruelty is a sin; a poison - the destroyer.

And now on to chapter five: "The Important Role of Parents and Their Example"

After four chapters of Fuentes' inane ruminations, we have finally reached the fundamentalist misogyny for which I paid that $2.50.

"...we all know women who take charge and domineer their husbands. They might be a co-worker, a friend, or even someone in your family. If you have had the opportunity to witness such an example, you are sure to want to cringe at some time or another."

Yes - watching someone belittled and embarrassed is uncomfortable. The problem with Fuentes' statement, however, is that it is equally troubling to see a man demean a woman. It doesn't really matter which partner does the damage; it's still damage and it's still hurtful.

Surely Fuentes has not only seen a man demean a woman in public, but she has almost certainly seen women mistreating and embarrassing one another in public.

" One thing that I am sure of is that I do see a tendency for women to want to lead their husbands."

In some cases, this is actually true. There are some women, even as there are some men, not content with equality and compromise. These individuals demand that others follow their orders, without consideration for anyone but themselves.

I suspect, however, that Fuentes sometimes assumes, when she sees a woman engaged in an argument with a man, that this is evidence the woman wants to dominate the outcome. In truth, Fuentes has no idea what is going on or why, but she views every interaction around her through her own biases.

Fuentes then goes on to quote those parts of the Bible that describe women as subordinate in relation to their husbands. What I find interesting about this is how the Biblical principles under discussion deal specifically with marriage (or, in several verses, with church leadership). And yet Galatians 3:28 is one of any number of verses that affirm equality of the sexes. Moreover, verses outlining the Biblical family structure say a wife is supposed to submit to her own husband. (It actually says this; her own husband - not the men to whom the Proverbs 31 woman sold her wares, nor random men on the street.)

In other words, beyond the universal protocols for treating each other with respect, there are no special orders in the Bible that compel all women to act on the orders of all men.

Whether one believes the Bible is inspired or not, it doesn't matter in this case: Fuentes' interpretation is flawed regardless.

Fuentes then asks a rather bold question:

"And do we honestly think that we will be happy if we lead?"

Does Fuentes honestly believe all women share her beliefs, her nature, her personality, or other aspects of her overall makeup? Some women are content to follow and are good at it. Others are capable of making independent decisions that benefit those around them; they're happy to lead; or, in the very least, they're happy to make their own choices.

Fuentes then goes on to argue that men are always leading (even if it seems they're not) and that those women who decide to fill in the gaps left by an incompetent provider are merely getting in his way. She then makes this unsupportable assertion:

"We must let him lead. He is the leader of the home, and he is the one held accountable to God for all things going on in his home."

Fuentes is arguing that God holds men accountable for the actions of other people. If his child steals, is the father guilty? If his child accidentally kills someone in an automobile accident, does the father have to make whatever amends can be made?

Where in the Bible does it say the father is responsible for the mistakes or sins of anyone else, family or not?

In fact, I was under the impression that, aside from animal sacrifice, substitution atonement was only ever achieved by one man in the Christian religion.

Now here is where things get interesting: Fuentes is finally prepared to offer advice rather than merely making a series of observations.

The subject: How to "Be Your Husband's Helper."

Nearly the first piece of advice she offers is, of course, totally condescending:

"Don't criticize--but encourage! This is hard for those of us who like to voice our opinions, but we need to learn self-control and know that when we do this that we are building up and protecting our homes from Satan who'd like to see it destroyed."

While encouragement is generally a far more effective a tool than criticism, there are times when it is important for a woman to be honest with her husband. This kind of honesty has nothing to do with control and who has it.

My husband and I have been married a long time, and I rarely defy his wishes or decisions. (This is the way we are.) There came a time, once, however, when I was left with no choice: I won't be too specific about why (since such would violate his privacy).

This occurred when he was extremely ill. I called the paramedics over his objection because, despite my limited vision, I could see something he could not - and I could smell something that was very wrong.

I did not tell him what I saw or why I had called for help for fear that he would panic - a reaction that could have cost his life. When the paramedics asked if he wanted to go to the hospital - they have to ask conscious patients who appear to be of sound mind for permission to transport them - he said no even over their strenuous recommendations.

I disagreed, adamantly, and signed for them to take my husband to the emergency department.

Had he stayed home, he would have died within the next five minutes. They had to revive him in the ambulance using techniques and equipment that are well beyond any skill I might have.

If women were indeed designed to be the helpmates of men, then men should treat women with the same respect as they would an executive employee who has achieved a high rank through excellent performance.

Instead, some of these fundamentalists argue for treating women as housekeepers with benefits, and as broodmares to preserve the patriarch's legacy. Whatever one may think of the Bible, the stories of Ruth and Abigail are but two examples of how women are supposed to be intelligent, active, and willing to work either alone or as part of a married team.

Men who underestimate their wives are every bit as shameful as women who underestimate their husbands - and all of them are missing out on the best parts of marriage.

" It is okay to share your personal opinions but don't force it on him. Don't manipulate him. Don't fight his battles for him. Don't make him see things your way and then pretend he is the one leading when you know you are still trying to be in control of the wheel. Be honest."

Fuentes says women should encourage rather than criticize, share their opinions but not in such a way that their husbands feel threatened. And then she counsels that women should be honest.

What if a woman honestly thinks her husband is wrong?

What if she knows more about a subject than he does and tries to warn him away from a bad investment that could wipe out their savings?

Yeah - honest - except she's also supposed to be coy and ever so careful as to avoid bruising her husband's ego.

I'm not sure who Fuentes respects less - women, or men.

"So many women struggle with submitting and are confused, thinking it is in direct opposition with women's rights...the Lord is the Great Liberator--not feminism. We need to know that ultimate freedom comes first from God's word and not from equality with men or women's rights. True freedom is found in the word of God. Worldly freedom is limited and can come with bondage."

Slavery is freedom, war is peace, and Fuentes is full of shit.

There is no clash between the recognition that women are persons, legally, biologically, and morally, and the idea that Christians can distribute power within a marriage in any way they wish.

" It is a blessing to have a unified and strong marriage. A marriage where we can be humble and forgive one another will be the kind of marriage that can endure hard times."

Those marriages where men are obsessed by the idea of leadership even over a fief with only his wife and children for servants - those unions are not destined to last. In the very least, even if the wife feels obliged to stay, there are examples far too numerous to share here of children who leave the lifestyle at the very first opportunity.

And what's worse, from a religious standpoint, those children raised to believe in a warped Christianity often repudiate the entire system when they come of age. Oddly enough, some men don't want to be solely responsible for the actions of another adult, and some women don't want to spend their lives being treated as a human dishwasher. And because their parents blamed the Bible, carefully choosing verses - often out of context - to support their views, the kids repudiate religion.

The family breaks. The faith breaks.

Grief is all that remains; it's a by-product of extremism, no matter what kind of extremism that may be.

" Today, many women struggle with helping their husband to lead, since many of us have been taught just the opposite. We were taught to stand in his way, to ridicule him, to dominate the relationship, and to undermine all of his decision-making. If you don’t believe me, take a look at modern day sitcoms, and you will find plenty of examples."

FJ has a great many members. How many of you were taught by your mothers to treat men with disdain?

As for how sit-coms portray men, yes, some of them do characterize the husband as a hopeless dope. Not all do. And in serious dramas, both men and women are usually portrayed as competent. It's amazing how many parents remind their children that TV isn't real and yet, when it serves their argument, suddenly television is a mirror.

I'd call that hypocrisy, but that's too weak a word and I can't think of anything more appropriate.

The next portion of chapter five deals with "Ways to Support Your Husband in His Role of Leadership."

One of her suggestions is to not be fearful:

"Many times, wives act out and do so out of fear."

...because of course women are overly emotional and so they "act out."

"We are afraid our husbands will make a wrong decision..."

And if a wife is married to someone addicted to gambling, she has every reason to be afraid.

Making sure the kids are fed, clothed, and sheltered takes precedence over the potential a wife might hurt her husband's ego by telling him to either get help or get out.

"We need to recognize when that is happening and realize how we can make bad decisions from it."

...because women, being emotional, are bound to make the wrong decision should they act on their suspicion that something might be wrong. Better to ignore it when a husband empties the bank account.

"Be silent. Before we speak, we need to make sure that we are not speaking out rashly or are being driven emotionally. Sometimes it helps to be silent for a while (yes, I know this is hard for many of us!)"

Fuentes should have written this book for herself, since every assumption she makes about women seems to stem from her own weaknesses - weaknesses she attributes not to her personality but rather to her possession of a vagina.

It is important for both women and men to consider their words - especially when speaking to a spouse, who is often the closest person in your life. It's best to think first, so as not to accidentally hurt the other person.

After years of marriage, however, both partners are occasionally going to say things they regret. That is why forgiveness, humour, and an unwillingness to keep score are so important in a good marriage.

" And, with that, I’d like to remind you that if you are disrespecting your husband in front of your children, they will eventually turn around and disrespect you both."

And if your husband beats you in front of the children, guess what happens then?

Continuing on, even a stopped clock is correct twice a day - well that, or once if it's a 24 hour clock.

Fuentes writes...

" Love your husband. Remember that he is not perfect...Love him in spite of his shortcomings; love him wholeheartedly. Extend to him the same measure of love, respect, and forgiveness in the strength that has been given to you...Do something special for him today. A word of praise or encouragement, a massage, a gift, bake his favorite treat....A noble wife rises up to the occasion to bless her husband with all of her heart."

The rest of the time, however, a stopped clock is dead wrong:

" Only a mother truly knows what is needed in the home."

Here we have a woman, June Fuentes, who warns her reader on multiple occasions to think before they speak; and yet she, who has the benefit of being able to edit out stupid comments, left a wrong-headed and hurtful statement in her book - a statement that, given the general tone so far, is actually out of place and just appears where it makes little sense.

In her section on how to build up a husband, Fuentes offers quite a bit of useful advice without much in the way of snark material: Ask how you can help him. Keep organized. Speak well of him to others. Make time with him a priority. Don't over-schedule yourself. Be gracious to his family and friends. "When your husband sins, reprove him privately and gently." (These items actually are important. They basically amount to treating your spouse with love and respect, and keeping private matters simply between the two of you.)

NEXT - Chapter Six: Discipleship, Shepherding Hearts, and Teaching the Word of God in the Christian Home