Thoughts on SAHD

[AnAgnostic]

Hi everyone,

I've been thinking the SAHD movement, especially the Botkins who promote marriage, but have never been married themselves. Could it be because there's more power and freedom for them to be SAHD? Think about it, even if they were married tomorrow, they wouldnt have the quiverfull of children since they started so "late." I think they have way more power than the average fundy/quiverfull wife with her 10+ children and constant pressure to submit submit submit. They get to stay home, write books and maybe keep some of the money, blog, etc. if I were a young woman in in fundyland, becoming a professional SAHD might be my way to if not real power and freedom to determine my life, then a least have life free of the obligations of being a unequal relationship with a husband.

[polecat]

I guess it depends on the parents. My parents expected my sister and I to stay home until we married. We were not able to come and go as we pleased and had to have a chaperon even just to go shopping. We had a strict curfew, could not talk on the phone privately to friends and had our mail read. (This was 20 years ago, and while we had Internet access, it wasn't at all like it is today, so that wasn't even an issue.) There was no freedom, and we would still be punished for infractions. As adults.

I did manage to leave because I was allowed the blessed freedom to work -- iow, financial independence. But living at home as an adult in a fundy environment has its own set of evils.

[defraudingjezebel]

As polecat mentioned, I think it depends on the circumstances. Historically, many women were happy to be "old maids" (the Georgian/Victorian equivalent of a SAHD) and widows because it allowed them certain freedoms they didn't have as wives. I would hope that these SAHDs like the Botkins and Maxwells eventually earn more "privileges" as they get older. I could definitely imagine situations in which being a SAHD would the more attractive lifestyle. Being a SAHD could definitely be more fulfilling if a woman (deep-down and secretly, of course) did not want to have children.

But if my parents were super authoritarian and kept me on a tight leash? Hell, I'd marry whoever to get out of that kind of situation.

[ari_belle]

What if a SAHD said to her parents, "God told me that he doesn't want me to get married"? I think that in many cases, the parents would "purpose" (lol) them to pray about it together, and they might find a way to marry her off by saying that God was actually telling them, the parents (a.k.a. authority), that their daughter should get married. How sad that these kids would have to resort to saying "God told me so" to their parents instead of "this is what I want." Or worse, they'd tell their parents they never wanted to get married because they thought it was wrong or sinful not to (though Jesus said something about it being a blessing to not marry, so idk).

[Toothfairy]

What is a SAHD decides on day to get a job and/or attend college because she said that was Gods calling :clap:

[nausicaa]

I guess it depends on the parents. My parents expected my sister and I to stay home until we married. We were not able to come and go as we pleased and had to have a chaperon even just to go shopping. We had a strict curfew, could not talk on the phone privately to friends and had our mail read. (This was 20 years ago, and while we had Internet access, it wasn't at all like it is today, so that wasn't even an issue.) There was no freedom, and we would still be punished for infractions. As adults.

I did manage to leave because I was allowed the blessed freedom to work -- iow, financial independence. But living at home as an adult in a fundy environment has its own set of evils.

Were your parents fundies or from another culture? How old were you while this was still going on? How did they react when you left? Sorry to pepper you with questions Polecat, I just find the situation described above so outside my wheelhouse.

[polecat]

Were your parents fundies or from another culture? How old were you while this was still going on? How did they react when you left? Sorry to pepper you with questions Polecat, I just find the situation described above so outside my wheelhouse.

My family was IFB, or independent fundamental Baptist. I was 22 when I finally moved out. They were furious. My mother would sit in her car outside my apartment to monitor me. When I moved, she'd drive by my house, and if there were any cars out front that she didn't recognize, she'd leave a tract on their windshield. I was actually terrified to tell my parents I was getting married (at 27) because I was so afraid they'd never forgive me. I didn't even introduce them to my now-husband because I was so afraid of how they'd treat him (long story short, my husband's a charmer and my mother loved him dearly). My father ultimately disowned me and disinherited me.

Most of the kids with whom I went to school ended up marrying right out of high school just to achieve some freedom (church wasn't quiverful, so incessant pregnancy wasn't a risk of marriage). Some of those marriages worked out. Some didn't.

[nausicaa]

My family was IFB, or independent fundamental Baptist. I was 22 when I finally moved out. They were furious. My mother would sit in her car outside my apartment to monitor me. When I moved, she'd drive by my house, and if there were any cars out front that she didn't recognize, she'd leave a tract on their windshield. I was actually terrified to tell my parents I was getting married (at 27) because I was so afraid they'd never forgive me. I didn't even introduce them to my now-husband because I was so afraid of how they'd treat him (long story short, my husband's a charmer and my mother loved him dearly). My father ultimately disowned me and disinherited me.

Most of the kids with whom I went to school ended up marrying right out of high school just to achieve some freedom (church wasn't quiverful, so incessant pregnancy wasn't a risk of marriage). Some of those marriages worked out. Some didn't.

Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope things are better now. Stories like yours help me to understand the appeal of early marriage for these girls (especially if they aren't quiverfull). How terrible to be so trapped at an age when one should have a sense of so many possibilities.

[Georgiana]

I think the financial situation of the family is a huge factor as well. If the SAHD's family is well off, I think we've seen that they are less likely to leave (Duggars, Botkins, Maxwells aren't poor). But if the family has less to go around, I think they tend to marry off. This could be because of parental pressure, or because marriage is more attractive when you will probably have more resources (at least for a time) than less right off the bat.

[DGayle]

It does seem to go to the way of more resources. The Duggars and Botkins are rich, so why leave home? The girls in both families have more freedoms than some of the poorer families, which is most.

If your family has 15 kids packed in a house 3 bedrooms, and food is a precious thing because there's not always enough to go around, then what do you have to lose my getting married? You'll have more food, and the hope that your husband will go up in the world somehow. By the time reality sets in, you're so dead on the inside that you don't care and start praying your daughters get married and your sons get work.

If your family has a mot of money and you get to travel around and have fun and eat plenty, why the hell would you trade that for a husband just starting out so that you're going to struggle while punching out kids?

When you think about it, they go the way they're more likely to survive and have some measure of comfort in their sad lives.