Raising a rainbow child

[Rachel333]

The very young trans kids I've seen in documentaries were already dealing with heavy-duty issues. They were severely depressed, even suicidal. The bio boys didn't just want to play with Barbies and wear dresses, they hated their own bodies to the point where they wanted to mutilate themselves. I haven't read all of Rainbow Boy's history, but so far I'm not seeing any of that. With Coy, there was the controversy involving the school bathroom, but even that might have been parent-driven.

But wouldn't those kids just be the extreme examples? A lot of trans adults don't have issues that severe, but it may be that they're the ones who figure it out later. I wonder if they would have realized as kids as well if they had parents who were open to it.

I'm not sure quite what to think here. I agree with a lot of the concerns raised. I don't think picking a pink blanket at 6 months could be a sign that a child was transgender. This mom too does seem a bit full of herself for being a mom of a rainbow child (Though she's not saying he's trans, is she? Just making quite a lot of his gender non-conformance?).

I've read that gender identity issues can be quite common with kids (hey, as kids my female best friend and I both badly wanted to be boys, and we're both still female today), but most grow out of it. How would this mom react if her son grew out of his rainbow-ness? But then you don't want to assume it's just a phase if it's something more, and if that's the case these kids are much better off than if they were in a less-accepting family.

[Rachel333]

The very young trans kids I've seen in documentaries were already dealing with heavy-duty issues. They were severely depressed, even suicidal. The bio boys didn't just want to play with Barbies and wear dresses, they hated their own bodies to the point where they wanted to mutilate themselves. I haven't read all of Rainbow Boy's history, but so far I'm not seeing any of that. With Coy, there was the controversy involving the school bathroom, but even that might have been parent-driven.

But wouldn't those kids just be the extreme examples? A lot of trans adults don't have issues that severe, but it may be that they're the ones who figure it out later. I wonder if they would have realized as kids as well if they had parents who were open to it.

I'm not sure quite what to think here. I agree with a lot of the concerns raised. I don't think picking a pink blanket at 6 months could be a sign that a child was transgender. This mom too does seem a bit full of herself for being a mom of a rainbow child (Though she's not saying he's trans, is she? Just making quite a lot of his gender non-conformance?).

I've read that gender identity issues can be quite common with kids (hey, as kids my female best friend and I both badly wanted to be boys, and we're both still female today), but most grow out of it. How would this mom react if her son grew out of his rainbow-ness? But then you don't want to assume it's just a phase if it's something more, and if that's the case these kids are much better off than if they were in a less-accepting family.

[already hungover]

WTH is so horrible about periods?

I dunno. I HATE getting mine, so I take birth control continuously without using the placebo week. Menstruating is messy and extremely inconvenient, in my opinion, and since I don't have to do it, I won't. I never had debilitating symptoms; I just hate carrying tampons and being a little bloated and getting cramps and breaking out on my face. It all grosses me out. I doubt I'm the only one who just doesn't want to have a monthly period.

On the other hand, I had a friend who tried the continuous birth control method and not getting her period made her nervous that she was accidentally pregnant, so she spent tons of money on pregnancy tests "just in case". It's not for everyone.

[alaeangelorum]

What I think would be good would be if there was an explanation for boys and girls at...perhaps 11 years old? When I were a lass the boys were taken out of class and had a session of PE or something manly while the school nurse explained periods (I was 13 and had been having them for years). I think it really is something both sexes need to hear about and regard as normal.

I was schooled in the UK and I did indeed have such an experience at age 11, can't quite remember what detail it went into but boys and girls were definitely there. We also got those little books they publish that explain these things.

[JesusFightClub]

I was schooled in the UK and I did indeed have such an experience at age 11, can't quite remember what detail it went into but boys and girls were definitely there. We also got those little books they publish that explain these things.

OMG! I am quite hopeful!

You're probably younger than me (I'm 33) and if they are now explaining things to kids in mixed classes, that's fucking ace. I was brought up in rural Scotland as well....

[OkToBeTakei]

OMG! I am quite hopeful!

You're probably younger than me (I'm 33) and if they are now explaining things to kids in mixed classes, that's fucking ace. I was brought up in rural Scotland as well....

Little Miss OK had the 'talk' last year JFC (Primary 6) The boys were in the class. This year the talk goes further in depth ..le sex. So it has changed as I remember the boys having their you get hairy balls talk separately when I was at school :)

[FloraDoraDolly]

But wouldn't those kids just be the extreme examples? A lot of trans adults don't have issues that severe, but it may be that they're the ones who figure it out later. I wonder if they would have realized as kids as well if they had parents who were open to it.

I'm not sure quite what to think here. I agree with a lot of the concerns raised. I don't think picking a pink blanket at 6 months could be a sign that a child was transgender. This mom too does seem a bit full of herself for being a mom of a rainbow child (Though she's not saying he's trans, is she? Just making quite a lot of his gender non-conformance?).

I've read that gender identity issues can be quite common with kids (hey, as kids my female best friend and I both badly wanted to be boys, and we're both still female today), but most grow out of it. How would this mom react if her son grew out of his rainbow-ness? But then you don't want to assume it's just a phase if it's something more, and if that's the case these kids are much better off than if they were in a less-accepting family.

Yeah, those kids from the documentaries were extreme examples. They had been diagnosed with gender identity disorder (which is now called gender dysmorphic disorder). The impression I got was that these kids were like anorexics, or Michael Jackson, where they spent a lot of time obsessing over their bodies. The parents were supportive, but the kids were still miserable.

I don't know what Rainbow Boy's mom will do if he outgrows his rainbow-ness. And he probably will, at least to some degree. All kids outgrow that princess stuff-- how many high school girls still play with Barbie and wear pink sparkly Disney clothes? I just hope Rainbow's mom doesn't start putting him on puberty blockers or filling his head with ideas about gender reassignment surgery. (Coy's mother reportedly has looked into taking the SIX-year-old to Thailand for surgery.) I would hope that a doctor would put the brakes on that type of thing until the child is old enough to make a rational decision himself/herself. But going back to Michael Jackson, there is always a doctor who will do anything if the $$$$ is right.

[tigerchild]

The US has no national standards for health/sexuality education, so it's largely up to the district.

My daughter told me when they did the sex ed thing in her 5th grade class that the boys and girls were separated but watched the same video (that talked about boys and girls changes during puberty), and that it was boring.

Granted, our church does sex ed for people from 5-6 year old up to adults (in a developmentally appropriate way) via the Our Whole Lives program. (It's a UU/UCC collaboration, worth checking out IMO), so she's known this info probably ever since she can remember.

However, even in my rural North Carolina school in 7th grade in health class we had a similar generic thing about puberty changes/menstruation AND a fake boob with marbles in it to do the breast exam on and they did NOT separate the boys and girls. :D I don't know that there was anyone who didn't already know the info, it was boring and we just threw the boob at each other (like preteen smartasses are wont to do)--I'm almost 40. :)

I was a little disappointed that my daughter didn't get the boob. IMO I think it's pretty important to teach breast self exams, and probably we would have paid more attention in gender segregated classrooms. She's read about/we've talked about/she's seen pics of a self exam and I kinda showed her how to do it, but...fake boob is kinda cool.

[Rachel333]

However, even in my rural North Carolina school in 7th grade in health class we had a similar generic thing about puberty changes/menstruation AND a fake boob with marbles in it to do the breast exam on and they did NOT separate the boys and girls. :D I don't know that there was anyone who didn't already know the info, it was boring and we just threw the boob at each other (like preteen smartasses are wont to do)--I'm almost 40. :)

I was a little disappointed that my daughter didn't get the boob. IMO I think it's pretty important to teach breast self exams, and probably we would have paid more attention in gender segregated classrooms. She's read about/we've talked about/she's seen pics of a self exam and I kinda showed her how to do it, but...fake boob is kinda cool.

Huh, the fake boob isn't one I'd heard before. That's a great idea, though. Probably tmi, but I caught a tumor during a self-exam recently. I got it removed and it was totally benign, but it really showed me the importance of self-exams even though I'm only 22.

I was homeschooled, so I learned about periods from my mom when I was 10. She certainly meant well, but I totally got the wrong idea about how things worked.

[bananacat]

What the hell did this woman tell her sparkling one about periods? For crying out loud, they're not THAT bad.

I thought the same thing, and I was hoping that the conversation would continue to a point that the mother would explain that periods aren't some universal tragedy. It is possible to explain that many women find it unpleasant or slightly painful and for some women it's even severe or life-threatening without perpetuating the myth that menstruation is some uniquely tragic event that all women must bravely face. It's a part of life and for most women it's not more painful than other bodily functions which can also cause occasional discomfort. Does this kid cry for every person who has to poop in their life because most of them will sometimes face constipation and diarrhea?

[stacyf]

Well, to be honest, periods can be extremely hellish for some people.

I got my period at 12 and have been plagued by cramps so horrible that I was on prescription pain meds for them and even then ended up puking my guts out because of the pain if I did not have the proper overlap and there wasn't enough medication in my system. (No, I do not have endometriosis, just apparently an overactive prostaglandin production and a retroverted/tipped uterus).

Also, when I am menstruating I always carry 2 changes of pants/underwear socks at least in my car because I often have one or more episodes of flooding. Without warning, and sometimes even without a lot of pain I will have a gush of blood that overwhelms both tampon and pad (I wear both, the maximum absorbency of each) and I will have blood spilling down my legs into my shoes. At night I sleep with a double layer of towels over my sheets. I take iron supplements because I become severely anemic after my period if I don't.

While i realize that I am in the minority, and most people's mild cramps can be taken care of by popping some Advil or tylenol and they might leak a bit if they pass a clot or whatever but otherwise it's a minor embarassment or inconvenience...I do find people acting as if periods are no big deal to be a bit tiresome. Dunno if that is this lady's experience, but hey, my experience is 'real' too.

When my daughter started her period it was very nervewracking for me to be positive/upbeat while we waited to see if she'd inherited this from me. She does have really painful periods, but thankfully no flooding issues yet...she's young though. So I've had to be more realistic with her about what she may face in the future. It's been really irritating for me to already have to fight with school people over "yes, if she says she has menstrual cramps, and wants to come home you need to call me because you should believe what she reports instead of patting her on the head and saying that periods aren't that bad."

This has been my reality since I was 12...I'm 39 now. There's nothing wrong with me, I do not have PCOS or endometriosis or any other true abnormality or disease (a tipped uterus is not uncommon and while many people do have cramps they aren't guaranteed a life time of hurl-worthy pain and leaving blood trails in the hall if they wear a skirt while on their period) or clotting disorder or anything like that. It's just how it is for me. It's manageable and it's over with in 3 days for me (I'd almost rather deal with that than the people who bleed for a week!) but...it is a real experience.

Thank you for saying this. This is my exact experience and always has been. I have been known to save up Percocets or other pain pills from various accidents and kidney stones just for my period. The period is much more painful and miserable. I get exhausted, pukey and downright miserable. I have never used birth control and feel that starting now is not a great idea so I suffer on. I always wonder if my late puberty has something to do with it, didn't get my first period until 16 yo. I have yet to find a sympathetic doctor and most people just don't understand.

[bananacat]

Thank you for saying this. This is my exact experience and always has been. I have been known to save up Percocets or other pain pills from various accidents and kidney stones just for my period. The period is much more painful and miserable. I get exhausted, pukey and downright miserable. I have never used birth control and feel that starting now is not a great idea so I suffer on. I always wonder if my late puberty has something to do with it, didn't get my first period until 16 yo. I have yet to find a sympathetic doctor and most people just don't understand.

I never minimized that some women do in fact suffer from periods. However, it's far from universal and periods in general aren't some great tragedy that should make a child cry just by learning they exist. Some people also experience extreme pain or discomfort from pooping, but that child wasn't crying that everyone has to poop sometimes assuming that everyone would experience it in the worst possible way. No one is trying to minimize your suffering; I just want people to stop assuming that every woman goes through hell during it.

[stacyf]

Don't think I ever said anyone was minimizing. Just thanking another poster for stating something I have difficulty talking about and letting her know I identify with her issue.

[Patsy]

I thought the same thing, and I was hoping that the conversation would continue to a point that the mother would explain that periods aren't some universal tragedy. It is possible to explain that many women find it unpleasant or slightly painful and for some women it's even severe or life-threatening without perpetuating the myth that menstruation is some uniquely tragic event that all women must bravely face. It's a part of life and for most women it's not more painful than other bodily functions which can also cause occasional discomfort. Does this kid cry for every person who has to poop in their life because most of them will sometimes face constipation and diarrhea?

We are aware that a lot of trans guys experience absolute horror and disgust at the concept of their bodies going through a period because of that gender dysmorphia thing?

[polecat]

Well, to be honest, periods can be extremely hellish for some people.

I got my period at 12 and have been plagued by cramps so horrible that I was on prescription pain meds for them and even then ended up puking my guts out because of the pain if I did not have the proper overlap and there wasn't enough medication in my system. (No, I do not have endometriosis, just apparently an overactive prostaglandin production and a retroverted/tipped uterus).

Also, when I am menstruating I always carry 2 changes of pants/underwear socks at least in my car because I often have one or more episodes of flooding. Without warning, and sometimes even without a lot of pain I will have a gush of blood that overwhelms both tampon and pad (I wear both, the maximum absorbency of each) and I will have blood spilling down my legs into my shoes. At night I sleep with a double layer of towels over my sheets. I take iron supplements because I become severely anemic after my period if I don't.

While i realize that I am in the minority, and most people's mild cramps can be taken care of by popping some Advil or tylenol and they might leak a bit if they pass a clot or whatever but otherwise it's a minor embarassment or inconvenience...I do find people acting as if periods are no big deal to be a bit tiresome. Dunno if that is this lady's experience, but hey, my experience is 'real' too.

When my daughter started her period it was very nervewracking for me to be positive/upbeat while we waited to see if she'd inherited this from me. She does have really painful periods, but thankfully no flooding issues yet...she's young though. So I've had to be more realistic with her about what she may face in the future. It's been really irritating for me to already have to fight with school people over "yes, if she says she has menstrual cramps, and wants to come home you need to call me because you should believe what she reports instead of patting her on the head and saying that periods aren't that bad."

This has been my reality since I was 12...I'm 39 now. There's nothing wrong with me, I do not have PCOS or endometriosis or any other true abnormality or disease (a tipped uterus is not uncommon and while many people do have cramps they aren't guaranteed a life time of hurl-worthy pain and leaving blood trails in the hall if they wear a skirt while on their period) or clotting disorder or anything like that. It's just how it is for me. It's manageable and it's over with in 3 days for me (I'd almost rather deal with that than the people who bleed for a week!) but...it is a real experience.

No, I get that. I used to have terrible cramps -- prescription med-cramps. For some reason, after having kids, I just don't have them anymore. Still have the week of bleeding, but at least my periods are regular. My sister's never have been.

I guess my point in asking that was what the hell did this woman tell her kid that made him so terrified of periods? My kids know that the lining of the uterus sloughs off every month if a woman isn't pregnant. They aren't horrified or grossed out. It just is what it is.

Now they HAVE said they're glad they're boys because: childbirth, lol, but I think they're mostly horrified about they way THEY were born with the cutting and whatnot.

[smokeonthewater]

I am a bit surprised that the majority of commenters are so anti this blogger, I've read her posts for a while and always found them interesting and unpretentious. Yes she focusses on her younger child, but the blog is about him and the way his behaviour, choices and attitude are reflected in the reactions of others, and the way this all comes together to talk about gender assumptions. I enjoy it in the same way I enjoy Crappy Mommy's blog and a couple of others - an insight into a life completely different from my own.

I read the 'comes out as straight' post as something light hearted - it reminded me of a friend who had to 'come in' to his parents who always assumed that he was gay (they took quite some persuasion, he tells it far better than I could). This thread has made me think carefully, and I'll certainly be reading future posts with a more critical eye. I'll be interested to see if my opinion changes as a result.

[Rachel333]

I read the 'comes out as straight' post as something light hearted - it reminded me of a friend who had to 'come in' to his parents who always assumed that he was gay (they took quite some persuasion, he tells it far better than I could). This thread has made me think carefully, and I'll certainly be reading future posts with a more critical eye. I'll be interested to see if my opinion changes as a result.

For what it's worth, I got the same impression from the "coming out." That didn't bother me at all.

[OkToBeTakei]

A difference maybe between RAINBOW child and Transgender.

As per the last two posts I would say read them through the lens of the child who may read them in 10 years and thank her for announcing to the world his sexuality. It's not really light hearted or funny when you think of it that way. But you know it made a funny and cute blog post.

Anyway..

http://www.timescolonist.com/news/local ... d-1.625125

I think they all went on this journey together. It was not led by an overzealous parent making a decision for a 6mth old baby, then making a blog about her..sorry her child.

[Arete]

I think that is the crux of my complaint about a lot of these mommy blogs that focus on difficult issues that involve their children. They completely lose site of the fact that the child is an autonomous being who isn't going to necessarily thank them that they put private business out for all the world to see. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back with how in touch with your feelings you are around your parenting, and forget the fact your kid is going to be reading it in 10-20 years. Not to mention his 50 closest friends.

Parental ego trip masquerading as public service.

[FearLyss]

I do not know much about this woman, or her child. As someone who has only ever read the entry discussed here, I also felt like she was upset about her son coming out as straight. I think what got to me from her transcription of the conversation was that her child felt that she had an expectation regarding his sexuality. That should never happen, in my opinion. A child should feel validated by their parent when it's discussed. That said, I guess I don't know much about her blogging style, but that's how it came across to this newbie.

I also have a problem with parents discussing the intimate details of their kid's lives. My mother belonged to a forum for tv show she watched and they knew about me getting my period moments after I discovered it myself. I felt angry and betrayed. It is my body, my life, and I hated that strangers knew before I was even able to make the call to tell my best friend. It was something that happened to ME, and she made it about her. It just makes me cringe when I see that stuff.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I honestly wonder if we'll see some changes in "Mommy blogging" behavior as time marches on and more and more of the "Mommies" are former "Mommy blog kids" themselves.

It reminds me a bit of the workplace scene in regards to Facebook - right now upper management will snoop around the profiles of candidates and be so scandalized at what they find, because of course those upper management types never posted anything to the internet as it didn't exist (for the mainstream, and certainly without pics) during their college years when they went to drunken debauched parties or whatever it is.

But people are moving up, time marches on, already now people in lower level management positions are people who went through college in the Facebook era and probably know what it is to have an embarrassing internet history, so possibly the weight given to that will change. Dunno.