Raising a rainbow child

[bekkah]

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/04/living/pa ... ?hpt=li_c1

I found this very interesting. Fundies focus so much on gender roles. This mom accepts that gender and sex are different things. Gender is a fluid entity where an individual can change how they want to be perceived.

I could imagine this child be whipped with plumbing line for being who he is in a fundamentalist household.

[OkToBeTakei]

I read the article then went to her blog as you do

raisingmyrainbow.com/

She has a post titled 'CJ's Brother Comes Out as Straight.' He is 10.

That's nice I thought.

On telling him about menstruation..

C.J.’s Brother cried all the way home. He cried for all the ladies who have ever had their period and for all of the girls he knows who will get their period one day. He ran down the list.

“Do you get a period?â€

“Yes.â€

“Did Nana?â€

“Yeah, when she was younger.â€

“What about Saige?â€

“Not yet, but one day she will.â€

“This is just so horrible. I feel so sad for all of you girls,†he said through his tears.

Moving on...

A few days later C.J.’s Brother was in my bedroom talking to me as I got ready for the day when he mentioned that one of his buddies and a girl from their class were dating. I asked if he was attracted to anyone at school. When I talk to my kids about their current or future attractions, I never assume that they are gay or straight.

“Mom, I’m straight. It’s time you faced the facts,†he said.

“What?†I was shocked by his directness.

“I know what you’re doing. You always leave it open, like I could be gay. But, I’m not,†he said.

I walked over to the bed where he was.

“Okay, but you know that if you were gay or are gay that is totally cool, too, right?†I said.

“Yes, of course, but I’m not.â€

“Okay, but if your feelings change….â€

“MOM! I’m straight!†he said with firmness, a smile and a shake of his head.

I called my brother.

“C.J.’s Brother came out. He says he’s straight,†I told Uncle Uncle.

“What do you mean ‘he says he’s straight’?†Uncle Uncle said.

“Well, things could change….†I said.

“Babe, he just came out to you. He told you that he is straight. You have to listen to him and work from that for now and acknowledge it and believe it. That’s it. He’s straight. You have to honor that – just like you would if C.J. told you that he was gay. Both of your kids know that you love them and support them and accept them whether they are gay or straight. But, when they tell you like that you have to believe them.â€

Never mind the rainbows this one is pure sparkling :shock:

[paganhomeschooler]

I saw this on the Today show either yesterday or today. Both parents seemed so supportive of him. It was great to see.

[Mama Mia]

I read the article then went to her blog as you do

raisingmyrainbow.com/

She has a post titled 'CJ's Brother Comes Out as Straight.' He is 10.

That's nice I thought.

On telling him about menstruation..

Moving on...

Never mind the rainbows this one is pure sparkling :shock:

I think it is very telling that she refers to her non-rainbow, non-fluid, non-sparkling son only in reference to his sparkling, gender-fluid, rainbow brother.

[Stephanie66]

Maybe C.J's brother doesn't wish for his name to be used. But yeah, I noticed that, too.

Ayelette Waldman used to write for Salon. She quit after she was attacked after writing that she believed her young son was gay, and how cool it would be to have a gay son. Granted, her son was pretty young at the time (so maybe, maybe not) and writing that in public is probably not the best idea, but still. I honestly never cared if my kids were gay or not. Hopefully, more families will begin to think this way.

When my daughter came out, I was just so happy she was born into my family, as they will love her and accept her no matter her sexual preference. It would break my heart if she had been born into some fundamentalist Christian family who wouldn't accept her.

[acheronbeach]

This woman strikes me as a fame whore.

[OkToBeTakei]

This woman strikes me as a fame whore.

Was it the 'BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK posts or the reposting what others say about her that gave it away?

[acheronbeach]

Was it the 'BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK posts or the reposting what others say about her that gave it away?

Lol, point taken - I'm captain obvious. :) I don't see much difference between this and stage mothers. It's disturbing.

[louisa05]

Am I reading right that her son in no way is identifying as transgender or as a girl? Rather he just likes stereotypically female clothing, toys, and activities?

Maybe I'm crazy or totally off base or totally uneducated about this, but I can recall classmates on both ends of that divide when I was growing up--the girls who wore jeans and t-shirts and boys' shoes and were playing kickball on the playground and a boy or two who liked pink and joined the group that brought baby dolls on Friday. And I taught high school boys and girls who had more in common with the other gender as well. I had one boy who wore pastels, was into flower arranging and decorating, and discussed Project Runway with me every Friday morning.

These kids didn't need a label or a mom with a blog and a book deal. They needed some understanding school staff to make sure that there was not teasing or bullying (an issue more for the boys than girls) and who let them be with the peers they were comfortable with.

And I can't help but wonder how his mother making this the focus of her life and career will affect this child. What if it is something he outgrows and at 16 wants to just play football and go to car shows (or some stereotypically male activities)? How is that going to sit with a mother who is so invested in this?

[ThatSnark]

What the hell did this woman tell her sparkling one about periods? For crying out loud, they're not THAT bad.

[Emme]

I can't snark on her. I think she is doing the best she can with both kids, and I love the light she has shone on this world. She's started an important conversation and I think that before the Today Show piece she had done a great job of keeping CJ anonymous. Many lesser parents would shun, mock, or beat a kid like him instead of letting him be who he is.

[tropaka]

I would say that a child who mixes up their pronouns, who draws themself as the opposite sex and can't decide which bathroom to use is beyond the common "tom boy" or boy-who-likes-to-play-with-dolls-and-dress-in-pink area in gender identity. It's not really that uncommon (our city has a few play groups and schools that have programs for kids who don't fit in with the usual idea of gender identities and I know two families personally that have little boys who do not conform in a similar way to this boy. I think letting people know about these kids and how they need to be supported etc is great, not so sure about the mommy blogger/commercial gain of it...people profit from much worse.

I kinda wonder about her son crying about periods. My sons knew about them at about the same age and their response was definitely not sympathetic; they were grossed out.

[louisa05]

I would say that a child who mixes up their pronouns, who draws themself as the opposite sex and can't decide which bathroom to use is beyond the common "tom boy" or boy-who-likes-to-play-with-dolls-and-dress-in-pink area in gender identity. It's not really that uncommon (our city has a few play groups and schools that have programs for kids who don't fit in with the usual idea of gender identities and I know two families personally that have little boys who do not conform in a similar way to this boy. I think letting people know about these kids and how they need to be supported etc is great, not so sure about the mommy blogger/commercial gain of it...people profit from much worse.

I kinda wonder about her son crying about periods. My sons knew about them at about the same age and their response was definitely not sympathetic; they were grossed out.

I got a little tripped up by her declaration in the CNN piece that her child is a boy "knows he's a boy and doesn't want to change that" but "likes girl things". That makes it sound like he is not transgender. That statement is what I was basing my comments on. The book excerpt featured on the Today site also says that he wants to have girls' toys and clothes and be with girls more than boys and again that he does not want to be a girl. So which is it? Is the child actually transgender or is he a boy who likes "girl things"? Or is she unsure about that at this point?

The period thing is really weird.

[already hungover]

What the hell did this woman tell her sparkling one about periods? For crying out loud, they're not THAT bad.

Is it possible that for some reason he thinks they're painful because of the bleeding and nobody has explained otherwise?

[Mama Mia]

I believe she says he isn't transgender, he's "gender creative" .

She just comes across extremely fame whorish to me. Very similar to the mom of the kid who had the school bathroom lawsuit. The focus doesn't seem to be on the kid, but on how extra super special tolerant and supportive the parent is of the kids non-conforming gender identity......even though the parent seems to be putting far greater emphasis on "boy" and "girl" preferences/clothing/toys for very young children than most people.

[ShadowyOne]

I believe she says he isn't transgender, he's "gender creative" .

She just comes across extremely fame whorish to me. Very similar to the mom of the kid who had the school bathroom lawsuit. The focus doesn't seem to be on the kid, but on how extra super special tolerant and supportive the parent is of the kids non-conforming gender identity......even though the parent seems to be putting far greater emphasis on "boy" and "girl" preferences/clothing/toys for very young children than most people.

I agree. While I applaud her open attitude about letting the kid have his preferences, and not trying to shut him in a gender role box, the whole thing with the blog and media appearances just screams "look at ME! See what a great, open-minded mom I am!" Would it really be such a big deal at school or in social settings if she didn't make such a big deal of it?

It's almost like Sparkly Lauren, in a way. The kid's merely an accessory to highlight the mom's authenticity.

[OkToBeTakei]

I agree. While I applaud her open attitude about letting the kid have his preferences, and not trying to shut him in a gender role box, the whole thing with the blog and media appearances just screams "look at ME! See what a great, open-minded mom I am!" Would it really be such a big deal at school or in social settings if she didn't make such a big deal of it?

It's almost like Sparkly Lauren, in a way. The kid's merely an accessory to highlight the mom's authenticity.

That was my view. The post where she claims she is not good at small talk and opines that the other Mothers who help in his class have probably been discussing him amongst themselves and with the teacher. She then in his hearing tells said 'small talk in a play park woman' that he is 'gender non-conforming.' When the woman is uncomfortable with this (not the term, but the use of it in front of the child) she then says he is totally aware about homosexuality also. I normally talk about the weather or what's for dinner.

I don't agree she is opening this up for discussion like some champion of social causes, she thinks she is. It is important, very important but I think she is dangerous in the way she is doing it.

I REALLY wanted to be a boy when I was 5. I hated all things girl including my name and definitely clothing and toys. I asked my Mother to call me Paul (no idea why Paul) and to buy me boy clothes. I played only with boys. This was the 70's and bless her my Mother approached my school to get me on the football team. I wore grey shorts to school (all the girls wore skirts.) When everybody had a Raleigh 14 bike I got a Raleigh Striker. I never wore girl clothes and got Action Man instead of Tiny Tears at Christmas. I had a crew cut and perfected the art of peeing standing up (kind of :lol: )

I had no idea what sexuality was really, I knew I was anatomically different to boys and although I wanted to be one I really did not give it much thought. Being 5 and all. I had no idea what gender identity was or was in any way aware of my sexuality, again being 5 and all.

The Avengers happened when I was 9. PURDEY!!! (Joanna Lumley) I wanted PURDEY hair :lol: By 11 all my best friends were still boys and but now girls too. I was the best left foot on the football team, I still was not keen on 'girl' clothes but began looking.

Suffice to say by 14 I was fine being a girl and whilst never and even to this day being a girly girl I am very grateful that despite resignedly going along with my preferences my Mother did not in fact call me Paul or 'label' me, nor did she in a very public way make a record of this which would follow me around for evermore. I'm pretty sure she had some interesting chats with other Mothers though as you do, along with the school.

My point is that labels of any kind can be very damaging and a pet hate of mine when dealing with children.

She just smacks of the type of parent who subscribes to the 'WE DON"T EAT SUGAR DO WE, BECAUSE IT IS BAD FOR US' type who then look proud of their child who nods like the little robot she creates for her own views. Oh and she's making money off it.

[JesusFightClub]

What OKToBe said (as so often)!

I was the girl at school who played with the boys and who had a crew-cut as a child (until I was 6 and my mum wanted me to have "long, beautiful hair"). The toy I remember most fondly is a replica Uzi and my mum spent all of my childhood coaxing, cajoling and plain yelling at me to be more feminine. Both my parents still do it to this day.

Nowadays I shave my head (it's great and I recommend it to everyone! So comfy and you never have to worry about bad hair day!) am kind of confused about sexuality and tend not to worry about it too much, am far more interested in current affairs than who's having an affair with who, can see no situation where I wouldn't be childless and am also 100% confident I am a woman. Women come in all different shapes, forms and sizes.

So with guys. The guy who likes wearing pink, interior design, manga intended for schoolgirls and trying on a bra now and again is just as much a man, if he feels that he is, as the guy who has a big hairy chest, plays for a football team and relaxes by watching a combination of Top Gear and the Adult XXX channel. We ought to have got past stereotypes and onto reality by now, and that reality ought to be accepting our kids for who they are.

[polecat]

WTH is so horrible about periods?

[polecat]

That was my view. The post where she claims she is not good at small talk and opines that the other Mothers who help in his class have probably been discussing him amongst themselves and with the teacher. She then in his hearing tells said 'small talk in a play park woman' that he is 'gender non-conforming.' When the woman is uncomfortable with this (not the term, but the use of it in front of the child) she then says he is totally aware about homosexuality also. I normally talk about the weather or what's for dinner.

Pretty much everything you said.

But specifically, this bugs me because discussing my kids' sexuality -- supposed, assumed or real -- with random class mothers, strangers in the park and even friends seems so inappropriate. Unless my kid has specifically told me it's ok to discuss his private feelings with others, I'm not going to do it.

[acheronbeach]

WTH is so horrible about periods?

My suspicion is... nothing more than it makes for great attention-whore writing.

[Aurora rising]

Pretty much everything you said.

But specifically, this bugs me because discussing my kids' sexuality -- supposed, assumed or real -- with random class mothers, strangers in the park and even friends seems so inappropriate. Unless my kid has specifically told me it's ok to discuss his private feelings with others, I'm not going to do it.

THIS!! A friend of my niece (or niece´s ?) was like her kid - a wonderful, talented, nice, creative and open boy who wore skirt, girls stuff, had long hair and behaved more "girly". His mom didn´t made a big deal out of it, he was allowed to wear his sister´s clothes (she is older so they didn´t fit her anymore), got the haircut etc. he wanted. The big deal she made was to push his self-esteem, nobody could bully him without getting a very sassy answer - and I loved the family for it.

Now he´s 8 and all boy-ish, but still loves to be creative.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Full agreement with OkToBeTakei, JesusFightClub and polecat from me also.

Let kids do what they want, wear what they want, but no need to obsess over categories. So much of this feels like "if my kid strays too far from the box, he must belong in the other box! Let me tell the world how tolerant I am about that!"

Let's just get rid of the boxes instead.

[polecat]

Full agreement with OkToBeTakei, JesusFightClub and polecat from me also.

Let kids do what they want, wear what they want, but no need to obsess over categories. So much of this feels like "if my kid strays too far from the box, he must belong in the other box! Let me tell the world how tolerant I am about that!"

Let's just get rid of the boxes instead.

Yes!!!

[OkToBeTakei]

Full agreement with OkToBeTakei, JesusFightClub and polecat from me also.

Let kids do what they want, wear what they want, but no need to obsess over categories. So much of this feels like "if my kid strays too far from the box, he must belong in the other box! Let me tell the world how tolerant I am about that!"

Let's just get rid of the boxes instead.

I mean I know that getting help and understanding for kids with needs can be hard without labels and diagnosis but there has to be a better way.

When My kid was 8 I took her for a routine eye-test which she passed. She was devastated, she went on an 8yr old rant that X had ADHD and Y was Dyslexic and Z was on the Spectrum WTF??? She was lamenting that she could not even get a pair of glasses. It was funny but horrifying to me at the same time.

I quickly changed her labelling of her friends to specifics of their personality. X is the boy who loves Star Wars and has problems concentrating which is really tough in class? Y is the really funny one who always gets in trouble for chatting, but a super GD at netball? Z is the one who tends to offend with being a straight talker but is really helpful with any quizzes in her house team.

What chance if even small kids label their peers with diagnosis and labels that we adults put on them rather than see them as people. Not sure what the answer is but I don't think labelling helps. These labels are a broad diagnosis of many issues. Deal with the child as an individual not a diagnosis :(