Christian Fundamentalists Don't Understand Sex And Marriage

[debrand]

I found this article Called Understanding His Sexuality that was written by a female doctor. It is entirely wrong from how I feel about sex and desire. It really irritates me when anyone tries to speak as if all members of a group have the same reactions.

Although the average wife acknowledges that her husband's sex drive is stronger than hers, she still tends to underestimate the impact this one aspect has on their relationship. According to a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they don't believe that women understand a man's sex drive.1 Husbands feel alone with their secrets and desires; they are at a loss about how to communicate this to their wives. For many men, their attempts to bridge the gap have been met with disinterest or even disdain.

From the female perspective, male sexuality is often viewed as a sordid desire. It seems to represent the worst of masculinity — passion without love, drive without self-control, sensuality without sensitivity. I've talked to more than one wife who would rather pretend that her husband's sexuality just didn't exist. At best, women tend to compartmentalize their husbands' sexuality. Sex represents Mr. Hyde, tainting an otherwise moral and approachable Dr. Jekyll.

I have a high libido and I just don't feel that sex is dirty or bad. Maybe it is because I don't believe that male desire is different than female sexual desire.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriag ... ality.aspx

[linnea27]

So even if we accept that this is true, wtf are we to do about it? Are his desires for sex more valid than our desire not to have sex that night? (don't answer that. I know the fundie answer is 'yes of course')

[ElphabaGalinda]

My sex drive is probably higher than some women's and lower than other women's, just like it's probably higher than some men's and lower than other men's. You can't generalize about a whole gender like that. (the general you). It's a perfect way for women to feel bad about their desires or men to feel bad about their lack of.

They make it sound like sex is something to be endured by women and they can't possibly enjoy it. I don't believe that male sexual desire is different than female sexual desire either. All the variation is individual and not gender related. 100% of those married Christian men surveyed don't understand a woman's sex drive. They believe this about each others sex drives because they're taught to. If they'd just embrace the idea that sex is awesome they wouldn't have to feel that way.

As Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy said in their book "a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." Which should not be a radical notion at all.

[debrand]

The second part gets worse.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriag ... -need.aspx

One of the biggest differences between you and your husband is the fact that he experiences sex as a legitimate physical need. Just as your body tells you when you're hungry, thirsty, or tired, your husband's body tells him when he needs a sexual release. Your husband's sexual desire is impacted by what's around him but is determined by biological factors, specifically the presence of testosterone in his body.

Okay, again, I have a high libido. I like sex... a lot. When I see a good looking person walk by, I get visually stimulated just like fundies claim men do. For instance, yesterday, I passed two very good looking young men and yeah, I looked. Maybe I'm some kind of mutant freak woman who likes looking at men with well toned abs and biceps. I don't think so.

Immediately after sexual release, men are physically satisfied.

LOL. If it is done correctly, both men and women should be satisfied.

The best way for a woman to understand this dynamic is to relate it to another physiological need. If you've had a baby, you may relate to the experience of milk building up in your breasts a few days after giving birth. The buildup of breast milk becomes annoying (and even painful) until the milk is expressed. You may have even had the embarrassing experience of leaking breast milk when it was not expressed. A male's semen buildup is sometimes released through nocturnal emissions if it is not otherwise relieved. Just as with breast milk, sperm production tends to "keep up with demand." The more often a man has sex, the more semen his body is likely to produce.

What? What the hell?

As women, we don't experience the physiological drive for sex in this same way. There is no buildup that demands release. Instead, hormonal fluctuations drive our sexuality. Female sexual hormones are largely determined by two factors: the female reproductive cycle (menstruation, ovulation, pregnancy, menopause, etc.) and a part of the brain called the hypothalamus.

TMI but I swear I have a point. I'm pretty certain that I am going through early menopause. Lately my period has been uneven and I've gotten the mother of all hot flashes. For some weird reason, my libido has not dropped but has risen. And sometimes, it hurts. :oops: So, don't tell me that I'm that drastically different than men when it comes to sexual desire

A man can experience sexual arousal apart from any emotional attachment. He can look at a naked woman and feel intense physical desire for her, while at the same time he may be completely devoted to and in love with his wife

When I saw those two young men, I experienced arousal. No, I wasn't going to chase them down and demand sexual satisfaction. :lol: I"m happily married, but I get visually stimulated also.

[linnea27]

Oh my gawd, it is a whole disgusting series. You can click through to the next article at the bottom. My favourite part is when they compared a man's testicles to engorged breasts, with semen leaking out as breastmilk does. Better give your man a BJ before he gets mastitis in his nuts, ladies!!!

Eta: you beat me to it. lol

[mockingbird]

Specifically the part where the men feel misunderstood and that they can't talk to their wives about sex. I'm sure part of that is typical fundy BS training that women don't need sex and possibly don't realize they can also get pleasure from sex. But I also wonder if they can't/don't talk about sex within their marriage because they grew up with such extreme restrictions on any physical contact with the opposite sex. I mean, it has to be a hard mental adjustment to go from "SEX IS EVIL! NEVER BE ALONE WITH A GIRL! NO KISSING BEFORE MARRIAGE!" to sex being a good thing (because babies for Jesus!!11!) overnight. I would suspect that both partners might find it hard to talk about with their spouses like people in a non-fundy marriage might because they were raised to think it was a taboo topic.

[Witsec7]

Okay, again, I have a high libido. I like sex... a lot. When I see a good looking person walk by, I get visually stimulated just like fundies claim men do. For instance, yesterday, I passed two very good looking young men and yeah, I looked. Maybe I'm some kind of mutant freak woman who likes looking at men with well toned abs and biceps. I don't think so.

Ditto here, but I'm single. There is a very hot young man at the Dehli Deli that makes me want to break my 20 year rule.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Im suprised a woman wrote that. I would have imagined that it was written by a man who hadnt been near a vagina since he came out of one.

Im guessing just because she has a low sex drive, she imagines everyone else to be the same.

In reality, everyone is different. Some people (whether male or female) have really high sex drives, some have really low sex drives, and others imbetween. It is completely normal for both men and women to enjoy sex, feel aroused when someone they find attractive is around or when they look at pictures of naked people or people without much clothes on, or get an urge to have sex or masturbate. The only difference is that women can hide it better because they dont get boners.

Personally, I fit the more fundie ideal of women's sexuality....Im not that interested in sex and prefer the romantic side of things. Everyone is different though, and its really hard to believe that all fundie women arent into sex other than the reproduction side of it, and all fundie men are walking boners. Im guessing a lot more fundie women enjoy sex than they say (or not because they just plain arent into the husband daddy picked out for them, or have been taught sex is wrong and evil and its hard for them to get out of that mindset) and fundie men are so sexualised they feel they have to act this way because men are supposed to.

[ElphabaGalinda]

Ditto here, but I'm single. There is a very hot young man at the Dehli Deli that makes me want to break my 20 year rule.

I look too, and get very visually stimulated - by attractive women, so she probably thinks that's even worse, or that I don't really count. But I have never met anyone who doesn't like looking at attractive people of whatever gender(s) they're attracted to.

I love sex! I don't have the opportunity to get as much of it as I like so I look, or I take care of things myself. Nothing wrong with that:)

[desertvixen]

From the article:

From the female perspective, male sexuality is often viewed as a sordid desire. It seems to represent the worst of masculinity — passion without love, drive without self-control, sensuality without sensitivity. I've talked to more than one wife who would rather pretend that her husband's sexuality just didn't exist. At best, women tend to compartmentalize their husbands' sexuality. Sex represents Mr. Hyde, tainting an otherwise moral and approachable Dr. Jekyll.

What women is she talking about? Seriously, I would say most of the women I meet are pretty into sex, and and those of us with partners don't view male sexuality as bad. Maybe this is because we have sex with men who understand that hi, women like to fuck too.

Okay, again, I have a high libido. I like sex... a lot. When I see a good looking person walk by, I get visually stimulated just like fundies claim men do. For instance, yesterday, I passed two very good looking young men and yeah, I looked. Maybe I'm some kind of mutant freak woman who likes looking at men with well toned abs and biceps. I don't think so.

You and me both, debrand. I'm into legs myself,so a little sad to see the cold weather getting here because it means the men are all wearing pants at PT. Boo hiss.

Better give your man a BJ before he gets mastitis in his nuts, ladies!!!

Because we all know masturbation is eeevil.

[Cannelle]

Ditto here, but I'm single. There is a very hot young man at the Dehli Deli that makes me want to break my 20 year rule.

Yeah, there's this certain athlete that I kind of follow around online because he's OMGAMAZEBALLSHOT and has this totally ROCKIN' body (droooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool), and you know, he's smart and stuff, but holy FSM is he pretty to look at. :mrgreen: So yeah, you're not alone. *swoon*

[debrand]

This is the last installment in the series

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriag ... o-you.aspx

You can spend so much time fretting about and avoiding sex that you miss the obvious. While acknowledging that sex is a huge force in your husband's life, don't neglect the fact that God created that force for your use as well. In fact, you should become jealous and possessive of the power inherent in your husband's sexuality. It was intended for you!

Again, what? My husband's sexuality is his own. We have promised to be monogamous but I don't feel that I own any part of him.

Like any married couple, Mike and I have our disagreements. In fact, we even have a full-out argument every now and then. He retreats to his corner, and I retreat to mine. Each wonders when the other will extend the olive branch with a hug, an apology, or a kind word. During these tense times in our marriage, I pay more attention than ever to how I look. I'm conscious to put on makeup and wear something relatively attractive. Why? Because I desperately need my husband's attention. I want him to desire emotional and physical connection with me. It's a potent force for encouraging reconciliation.

No amount of nagging, pleading, talking, or counseling can grab your husband's attention the way his sexual desire for you can. Just look at advertising. No approach is used more frequently or more successfully than sex appeal. Why aren't you using it in your marriage? As a good friend of mine says, "If you want to improve your marriage, invest in your underwear

Although it isn't true for all fundie women, I'm often surprised at their admissions of manipulating their men and that fundie men seem to think that husbands should be manipulated. It is a very strange, childish dynamic.

Look at it this way: How is your husband likely to respond to these two statements—"Honey, I really think we need to talk about our marriage. I feel like we are drifting apart." Versus . . . "Babe, I want to work on our sexual relationship. I want to know how to please you and how to make our sex life awesome."

My husband has made the first comment to me.

Please understand — I am not suggesting that you use sexuality to manipulate your husband! Withholding sex when you don't get your way or lavishing him with it when you do is manipulation. I am suggesting that you embrace this fact: There are many forces in your husband's environment that use sex to garner his attention. They are stealing the power that God intended for you. Instead of sitting passively by, claim it.

Don't use manipulation but use his sexual desire to manipulate him.

[CynicMom]

Christian Fundamentalists Don't Understand Sex and Marriage

In other news, water is wet.

[Just_Jane]

Ditto here, but I'm single. There is a very hot young man at the Dehli Deli that makes me want to break my 20 year rule.

Same here and single as well. I almost tripped while on my run the other day. really hot bicyclist going to other way smiled and said hi to me. I got all distracted trying to look back at him that I forgot what i was supposed to be doing and I stumbled over my own feet.

[freejoytoo]

In other news, water is wet.

:clap:

[MarthaMarcyMayMarlen]

Oh my gawd, it is a whole disgusting series. You can click through to the next article at the bottom. My favourite part is when they compared a man's testicles to engorged breasts, with semen leaking out as breastmilk does. Better give your man a BJ before he gets mastitis in his nuts, ladies!!!

Eta: you beat me to it. lol

Omg, that was hysterical!

[valsa]

Damn, I thought the whole blue balls myth died out ages ago.

[Childless]

Yeah, I'm not sure what women she's talking about. Personally, I have a high sex drive. I don't get it near as often as I'd like because I have a 2 year old, a husband who studies at night, and a job that requires me to be up at 4 am. My sex drive is actually higher than my husband's. I get turned on looking at a hot guy. I will notice a good looking guy when he passes me. And I in no way see a man's sex drive as disgusting or sorid. I can't say that I even know a woman who feels that way.

Really, it's amazing that these people manage to reproduce when they hate sex so much.

[MarthaMarcyMayMarlen]

Damn, I thought the whole blue balls myth died out ages ago.

Is that a myth? I thought some men did get painful balls if they didn't get sex for so long.

[doggie]

Is that a myth? I thought some men did get painful balls if they didn't get sex for so long.

It is more that they get turned on and no relief in sight can get painful. But it's not super painful more uncomfortable. When my wife had her hysterectomy I had it bad. Every time I saw a pretty woman it was good and hurt at the same time. So it is more from unfulfilled desires then from lack of orgasm.

[hoipolloi]

According to a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they don't believe that women understand a man's sex drive.1 Husbands feel alone with their secrets and desires; they are at a loss about how to communicate this to their wives. For many men, their attempts to bridge the gap have been met with disinterest or even disdain.

From the female perspective, male sexuality is often viewed as a sordid desire. It seems to represent the worst of masculinity — passion without love, drive without self-control, sensuality without sensitivity. I've talked to more than one wife who would rather pretend that her husband's sexuality just didn't exist. At best, women tend to compartmentalize their husbands' sexuality.

Let me get this straight: these fundie dolts spend their lives until marriage wearing "purity rings," "not giving away pieces of their hearts," "saving their first kisses for marriage," and after marriage they're shocked that they don't know how to communicate in bed or give & receive sexual pleasure to each other?

WTF do these idiots expect given their distorted & bizarre teachings?

[valsa]

Is that a myth? I thought some men did get painful balls if they didn't get sex for so long.

It's a myth. There can be discomfort in some men who become aroused but don't ejaculate but it's not painful and it's certainly nothing a man with at least one good hand can't alleviate himself.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Ok, I read all the parts to her series. Here is what she did NOT write (yes, this is from a married heterosexual POV, because my imagination is not creative enough to picture Focus on the Family writing any other way):

1. It's not just men who have a sex drive.

2. Your ability to connect with your sexuality may have been impaired by bad religious messages, so you need to unlearn those messages and realize that you have your own G-d-given sexuality, that sexual pleasure is good, that sex isn't just about you pleasing your husband but is also a way for your husband to please you, and that there is nothing wrong or dirty about couples talking openly and honestly about sex.

3. Don't think that current lack of interest means that you are incapable of experiencing sexual pleasure.

4. One of the reasons that you may not enjoy sex is that your husband may not fully realize that you can enjoy, and that your pleasure matters. Communicate with him! He won't know what does and does not feel good for you if you don't tell him.

5. If your husband attempts penetration before you are fully aroused, it can be extremely painful for you. The friction can cause small tears, and if you have sex again before these are healed, you will feel like screaming. Ask you husband if he would consider driving without enough oil in the car.

6. If reading erotic novels gets you in the mood and dripping wet, it is fulfilling a holy purpose.

7. Your needs may change during pregnancy. Even more communication is needed to let him know what does and does not feel good.

8. Even after your 6-week post-partum check-up, you may not have much of a sex drive. If you are breastfeeding, you may feel that your chest is painful and completely off-limits, and the hormones may have caused your vagina to dry up. Extra care and extra lube is required.

9. Exhaustion will kill your sex drive. The solution is to forget about cleaning, let your husband take care of the cooking and the baby while you get some sleep and take a bath, and then have sex when you are feeling more alive.

[Rosa]

Yeah, I'm not sure what women she's talking about.

19 year old virgins who marry fundie men who've been taught it's unmanly to even ask nice?

That is my guess. You can learn to NOT like sex, over time, of having to view it as a chore.

[ElphabaGalinda]

19 year old virgins who marry fundie men who've been taught it's unmanly to even ask nice?

That is my guess. You can learn to NOT like sex, over time, of having to view it as a chore.

The men are also taught that women can't get pleasure from sex, so they're not going to be focusing on making it a good experience for their partners. Sex with someone who doesn't even make an attempt to make it enjoyable for you can't be very fun.