'You Can't Be a Princess'

[Deleted07]

A really interesting clip I came across on Youtube, ABC News going behind the scenes in a Halloween Costume store tackling Gender stereotypes and costumes with a Boy wanting to be a Princess and a girl wanting to be Spider-Man!

MFn81_HAvWg

So touching at the end, and so eye-opening too!

Just had to share!

[Iokaste]

I used to work in a "Build-a-Bear" and one of the stuffed animals was this hideous bright pink poodle. It seemed to appeal to the younger kids like 3-4 years old and so many times a little boy would come in and just totally fall in love with it, almost every time if the dad was with the boy he would start on all these elaborate diversion tactics, grabbing what ever other toy was nearest and NOT pink trying to convince the boy that it was much cuter than the poodle.

It broke my heart every time seeing those little guys trying to choose between the toy they really wanted and pleasing their dad.

It seems like in society today there are two opposing ideas of gender, one is that gender is such a key component of personality that it will manifest in everything we do, no matter upbringing but at the same time it seems that especially masculinity is viewed as something so fragile that it will be severely damaged by wearing a dress or playing with the wrong toy :think:

[contrary]

my four year old daughter is spiderman obsessed. She has half a dozen spidey tees that she wears almost daily, spiderman pillow, slippers, hat, and mittens. She also had a recent spiderman birthday party.

love it.

[pixydust]

I used to work in a "Build-a-Bear" and one of the stuffed animals was this hideous bright pink poodle. It seemed to appeal to the younger kids like 3-4 years old and so many times a little boy would come in and just totally fall in love with it, almost every time if the dad was with the boy he would start on all these elaborate diversion tactics, grabbing what ever other toy was nearest and NOT pink trying to convince the boy that it was much cuter than the poodle.

It broke my heart every time seeing those little guys trying to choose between the toy they really wanted and pleasing their dad.

It seems like in society today there are two opposing ideas of gender, one is that gender is such a key component of personality that it will manifest in everything we do, no matter upbringing but at the same time it seems that especially masculinity is viewed as something so fragile that it will be severely damaged by wearing a dress or playing with the wrong toy :think:

Stuff like that is so sad to me! My 5 year old son loves playing with the dollhouse we have and his monster high as much as playing with his dinosaurs, transformers, and cars! He wears spiderman clothes and a pink sparkly fedora. He also has rainbow sunglasses. His dad's favorite color is pink and wears it a lot, so obviously we don't worry about gender stereotypes in our house. Oh, my husband and son like to paint their nails together!

[LucySnowe]

Mr Snowe and I were walking past a school the other day, and there was a four or five year old boy riding a tricycle, wearing his helmet...and a pair of pink fluffy wings. Said I cheerfully to Mr. Snowe, he is rocking those wings.

I'm glad he's able to wear them and I hope that when (if) he stops, it's his own choice and not due to social pressure. I expect I am being idealistic, but at least he's happy for now.

[Soldevi]

It is a costume for flying spaghetti monster's sake, not a sex reassignment surgery. So I cannot understand why children cannot wear whatever they want (if that is possible for example financially).

[freejoytoo]

The mothers in this video ae disgusting.

[Conuly]

I have to say, if somehow people tried to drag me into a disagreement with their kid, unless they were really egregriously wrong I'd probably side with the parents as well. Not because I agree with them or don't, but because it's really not my business. If I did feel the need to butt in, I'd at least try to have the courtesy to do so out of the kid's earshot. Unless the situation looks like it's actually *abusive* I find that neither kid nor parent is actually going to appreciate me breaking the rule of "grown-ups stick together". And since the mom is ultimately going to win anyway, as she's the one buying the costume, there's no point in my spending my two cents encouraging them to fight *more*, is there?

Shorter version: Excepting those personally interviewed, I wouldn't necessarily assume every one of them really agrees with the mom whole-heartedly. They may just be trying to defuse the conflict a little.

(But then again, I'm an optimist.)

[valsa]

I have to say, if somehow people tried to drag me into a disagreement with their kid, unless they were really egregriously wrong I'd probably side with the parents as well. Not because I agree with them or don't, but because it's really not my business. If I did feel the need to butt in, I'd at least try to have the courtesy to do so out of the kid's earshot. Unless the situation looks like it's actually *abusive* I find that neither kid nor parent is actually going to appreciate me breaking the rule of "grown-ups stick together". And since the mom is ultimately going to win anyway, as she's the one buying the costume, there's no point in my spending my two cents encouraging them to fight *more*, is there?

Shorter version: Excepting those personally interviewed, I wouldn't necessarily assume every one of them really agrees with the mom whole-heartedly. They may just be trying to defuse the conflict a little.

(But then again, I'm an optimist.)

Meh. I've never heard of that rule and I think it's a dumb one. Adults aren't automatically right just because they're adults and kids aren't automatically wrong just because they're kids.

[valsa]

I feel so conflicted about this. The fact that they could only find one woman who stuck up for the little girl and apparently no one who would stick up for the little boy breaks my heart. But for the woman who did stick up for the little girl, it made me teary-eyed (in a good way)

I was especially pissed at the woman who said her daughter wanted to be a Power Ranger and that's why she was shopping alone (presumably so she could buy something girly for her daughter and not give the little girl any choice) Unless PRs has changed a whole lot from when I was a kid- they usually have at least one token girl on the team. Why couldn't she be the girl Power Ranger?

[itsnikki05]

my four year old daughter is spiderman obsessed. She has half a dozen spidey tees that she wears almost daily, spiderman pillow, slippers, hat, and mittens. She also had a recent spiderman birthday party.

love it.

Same as Julia! She's 5, and loves everything girly, will only wear dresses (her choice!)... but she's also a big SUPERHERO fan! It's funny, she wanted to be SPIDERGIRL (I didn't know there was a Spidergirl but apparently there is. It's Mary Jane and Spidey's kid!) and hubby tried to steer her towards the accurate black and yellow costume... nope. She had to have the pink and silver one. ROFL! Oh well. And last year this cutie pie lil girl dressed as Optimus Prime for Halloween! Heck yeah! I love stuff like that. :) I don't GET why things are segrigated like that.

[valsa]

Same as Julia! She's 5, and loves everything girly, will only wear dresses (her choice!)... but she's also a big SUPERHERO fan! It's funny, she wanted to be SPIDERGIRL (I didn't know there was a Spidergirl but apparently there is. It's Mary Jane and Spidey's kid!) and hubby tried to steer her towards the accurate black and yellow costume... nope. She had to have the pink and silver one. ROFL! Oh well. And last year this cutie pie lil girl dressed as Optimus Prime for Halloween! Heck yeah! I love stuff like that. :) I don't GET why things are segrigated like that.

*geeks* I love Spidergirl! I've been trying to collect the comics forever but almost all of them are out of print.

I find it amusing that people try to justify the whole "don't costume out of gender" thing because my parents let me costume out-of-race and no one pitched a fit about that. When I was 6 or 7, I went a Storm from the X-Men (who, for those who don't know, is an African woman) I don't buy telling kids "You can't be a princess because princesses are girls" because no one ever told me "You can't be Storm because Storm is black".

Let's face it, Halloween is all about being who you're not. My co-workers aren't doctors and cowboys and sexy vampires, so I don't get why everyone has a bug up their ass about gender only.

[wtfrenchtoast]

The last woman made me tear up, not gonna lie. That was so sweet. I love that this show gives me a little faith in humanity, usually. I can only hope I would have the courage to stand up for the kid who wanted to wear whatever, "grown-ups stick together" be damned.

[Conuly]

The last woman made me tear up, not gonna lie. That was so sweet. I love that this show gives me a little faith in humanity, usually. I can only hope I would have the courage to stand up for the kid who wanted to wear whatever, "grown-ups stick together" be damned.

I'm just warning you, the kid's not actually going to appreciate it. At that age, they want things to be the way they're supposed to be, even if it makes them unhappy. Ever tell a kid you were wrong and they DO get to have dessert after all? Half the time they get very upset because you TOLD them they COULDN'T and that means you LIED and they still CAN'T. Grown-ups breaking ranks and siding with the kids on something like this means the world doesn't make sense.

If you're going to interfere, do it when the kid can't hear you, save yourself a world of confusion and annoyance. Learn from my mistakes.

Edit: That is, the way THEY think it's supposed to be. Obviously, that's not always the way it IS supposed to be, but kids can be better at inductive than deductive reasoning.

[Guest Anonymous]

I'm just warning you, the kid's not actually going to appreciate it. At that age, they want things to be the way they're supposed to be, even if it makes them unhappy. Ever tell a kid you were wrong and they DO get to have dessert after all? Half the time they get very upset because you TOLD them they COULDN'T and that means you LIED and they still CAN'T. Grown-ups breaking ranks and siding with the kids on something like this means the world doesn't make sense.

If you're going to interfere, do it when the kid can't hear you, save yourself a world of confusion and annoyance. Learn from my mistakes.

I think there is a lot of variation in what kids do and don't want. Even little kids have distinct personalities. And if they are brought up in a home where people habitually acknowledge mistakes and say sorry and are allowed to change their mind, then they tend to cope better than if their upbringing is more rigid.

That said, personally, in a shopping situation I would tend to stay out of any conflict situation, because it is impossible to know the context in which it is taking place. I would tend to say neutral-positive things like "Aw, what a sweetie/how lovely s/he is" and smile and walk on.

[ILoveJellybeans]

I think its a shame that so many parents are like this, especially the one who was shopping for her kids halloween costume by herself because her daughter wanted a boy costume (although there are girl Power Rangers).

I think if a little boy wants to be a princess or a little girl wants to be spiderman, they should be allowed to.

[AtroposHeart]

Wow, the last girl at the end is my new hero.

[freejoytoo]

If the parent asked me what I thought I woudn't lie. I would say full steam ahead for a boy wanting to be a princess or a girl Spiderman. It's not right that those kids are being guilted about gender.

[Koala]

I'm just warning you, the kid's not actually going to appreciate it. At that age, they want things to be the way they're supposed to be, even if it makes them unhappy. Ever tell a kid you were wrong and they DO get to have dessert after all? Half the time they get very upset because you TOLD them they COULDN'T and that means you LIED and they still CAN'T. Grown-ups breaking ranks and siding with the kids on something like this means the world doesn't make sense.

If you're going to interfere, do it when the kid can't hear you, save yourself a world of confusion and annoyance. Learn from my mistakes.

Edit: That is, the way THEY think it's supposed to be. Obviously, that's not always the way it IS supposed to be, but kids can be better at inductive than deductive reasoning.

Where are you getting this information? If you're making a blanket statement about all children (which you seem to be) I wonder what that's based on.

Personally, I would speak my mind if asked. I think it's much more positive for the child to realize that while mom may be off in left field, it does not indicate that there is anything wrong with them for wanting something different. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a parent shoving you into a stereotype and be under the impression that all adults agreed with them.

Back to the original topic: Who the hell says girls have to be princesses? My daughter has a skeleton and a zombie costume for this year. One of my favorite pictures of my children was taken when they were around 3 & 4. They were both wearing Spiderman costumes.

I particularly disliked the woman who was shopping without her daughter so she wouldn't have a choice. Halloween should not be about what mom and dad want.

[Guest Anonymous]

If the parent asked me what I thought I woudn't lie. I would say full steam ahead for a boy wanting to be a princess or a girl Spiderman. It's not right that those kids are being guilted about gender.

Yes, if I was asked I would definitely agree they should be whatever they want to be. I just meant generally that I don't tend to butt in one way or the other if uninvited.

[mebeforee]

Unfortunately, I think it's a lot easier for girls to wear "boy" costumes than it is for boys to wear dresses or princess costumes. The same way women can wear suits without it being a huge issue. The opposite is not true. There's nothing wrong with a boy wearing a dress, but I think at this point in time it's still a huge issue for the child and how they'll be received.

It does bother me to sympathize with any of those women, lol, but the experience of the child is important too and I understood the feelings of the woman who was concerned that the boy would be picked on. Though it would be great for all kids to wear what they want to for Halloween (or at any time, actually), it won't necessarily be SO rewarding as to outweigh the bullying they could receive as a result. I wouldn't want Halloween to become a traumatic experience for my kids either. When I have kids, if a situation comes like this, I'll let them do it. But I'll also have a conversation with them about bullying and let them know that there's the possibility (especially for a little boy) that their classmates and kids in the neighborhood might tease them about it. That's one of the reasons I liked the last woman so much. Not only does she try to encourage the girl's choice, but she talks to her directly and tells her why her mother might be worried. She includes her in the conversation, instead of just saying 'that's for boys'. And she was absolutely right. In fiction, heroes are usually male. It's starting to change, but it's been so dominant for so long that it's unavoidable... especially for kids, the heroes are boys. It's not fair, and I remember being little and wishing I were a boy because I felt girls didn't get to do anything. The fact that little girls want to dress up like male heroes is because there are so few female heroes, and princesses aren't the same because usually they are in the passive role.

(Also, wtf at the Power Ranger comment. There are female Power Rangers. And what did that other lady mean, 'Spiderman is only for one time, but you can be a princess twenty four hours of the day'? What the hell does that even mean? I don't get it.)

[ILoveJellybeans]

Im not sure, I know loads of little kids who would happily wear their Halloween costume 24 hours a day, even if they arent princesses. With my siblings, I have seen them want to wear something all the time, like my brothers Spiderman outfit when he was about three (even insisting on being called Spiderman instead of his name) which he wanted to wear for a few days, and my sister as a two year old loving her new shoes so much she wore them to bed.

Maybe she was trying to say that a girl could wear a pretty dress and act like a princess all the time?

[swissbeauty]

I plan on raising my future children without gender boundaries or restrictions. Obviously boys and girls are biologically different, but if my boy wants to dress up as a princess or play with Barbies or wear pink, I would think nothing of it and even encourage it if that's what he enjoyed. Kids don't make those distinctions on their own anyway.

It's frustrating because gender roles re-emphasize the hatred of women in our society. If a little girl dresses up like a boy character, no one cares, it's "silly and cute". If a boy dresses up as a girl character, suddenly it's a huge scandal unless it's done as a "joke" or to make fun of the female. Because of course, being a woman is wrong and men should never stoop down to our feminine behavior :roll:

[swissbeauty]

Unfortunately, I think it's a lot easier for girls to wear "boy" costumes than it is for boys to wear dresses or princess costumes. The same way women can wear suits without it being a huge issue. The opposite is not true. There's nothing wrong with a boy wearing a dress, but I think at this point in time it's still a huge issue for the child and how they'll be received.

It does bother me to sympathize with any of those women, lol, but the experience of the child is important too and I understood the feelings of the woman who was concerned that the boy would be picked on. Though it would be great for all kids to wear what they want to for Halloween (or at any time, actually), it won't necessarily be SO rewarding as to outweigh the bullying they could receive as a result. I wouldn't want Halloween to become a traumatic experience for my kids either. When I have kids, if a situation comes like this, I'll let them do it. But I'll also have a conversation with them about bullying and let them know that there's the possibility (especially for a little boy) that their classmates and kids in the neighborhood might tease them about it. That's one of the reasons I liked the last woman so much. Not only does she try to encourage the girl's choice, but she talks to her directly and tells her why her mother might be worried. She includes her in the conversation, instead of just saying 'that's for boys'. And she was absolutely right. In fiction, heroes are usually male. It's starting to change, but it's been so dominant for so long that it's unavoidable... especially for kids, the heroes are boys. It's not fair, and I remember being little and wishing I were a boy because I felt girls didn't get to do anything. The fact that little girls want to dress up like male heroes is because there are so few female heroes, and princesses aren't the same because usually they are in the passive role.

(Also, wtf at the Power Ranger comment. There are female Power Rangers. And what did that other lady mean, 'Spiderman is only for one time, but you can be a princess twenty four hours of the day'? What the hell does that even mean? I don't get it.)

Bullying is a possibility no matter what a child does. I think in this case I would equip my child with what to say in the event someone teases or makes fun of him. I think confidence is key, and of course if someone is going too far to alert an adult and get help. I'd also tell their teacher about my child's choice...it could be a great learning opportunity for everyone.

The problem with hiding from the bullies is that there will ALWAYS be a bully. You can only protect your child for so long, but eventually they will face opposition and discrimination. Allowing your son to dress up as a princess in school will be helpful in paving the way for acceptance, especially if the kids involved are fairly open-minded. He can explain why he chose the costume to them and show them it's not a big deal. After all, if he chooses to dress like a female later in life or wear makeup or exhibit any sort of "feminine" traits, it's best if he begins to learn coping mechanisms now when he is still young and under the supervision of (hopefully) open-minded and protective adults.

I'm trying to find an amazing documentary made by a child where he goes into his school wearing pink and "girly" clothes and interviews his classmates on their reactions. Most of them were skeptical but willing to listen.

[RandomTrivia]

I find it amusing that people try to justify the whole "don't costume out of gender" thing because my parents let me costume out-of-race and no one pitched a fit about that. When I was 6 or 7, I went a Storm from the X-Men (who, for those who don't know, is an African woman) I don't buy telling kids "You can't be a princess because princesses are girls" because no one ever told me "You can't be Storm because Storm is black".

Let's face it, Halloween is all about being who you're not. My co-workers aren't doctors and cowboys and sexy vampires, so I don't get why everyone has a bug up their ass about gender only.

My thoughts exactly. Halloween costumes are all about being what you aren't for a while - that's part of the fun for most people. It's supposed to be fun and different and possibly scary if that's what you want. Unless you're having a Buffy the Vampire Slayer experience and actually turning into your costume-character, in which case you've got bigger problems, of course.

My son has been Horton the Elephant (not even human!), Cookie Monster (also not human), and Bob the Builder, but being WordGirl last year was the only one that got any comments about "couldn't he dress as a boy character". For the record, WordGirl is also not human, as I understand the show, but she's a girl-alien, and that apparently makes it different. This year, I'm making a Titanic costume - he's going as an inanimate object, for pete's sake, but no one's had a problem with that yet. So, monsters are okay, elephants are fine, claymation stop-motion people are great, machinery is okay, but word-loving aliens are out. Go figure.

I am glad, though, that only one or two people had issues with WordGirl, and that was family and DS didn't get in on the discussion. Everyone at pre-school either didn't have a clue who WordGirl was (sadly), or thought it was a great idea. One mom took his picture to show her younger son, who also loved WordGirl (and likes to dress in his costumes any chance he gets). The whole blog-explosion about someone's son dressing as Velma from Scooby Doo was happening about that time, and I was a little worried. But I wasn't about to tell my kid to pick another costume.