Residual hang-ups from your former Christian belief system?

[Guest Anonymous]

Hugs, Lissar, if you want them...

Thanks, I'd love them. Hugs right back at you.

[Ava]

I tend to have this nagging feeling that someone, somewhere, is always watching me and judging me - anywhere I go, anything I do, anything I think is observed and measured in terms of things I should or shouldn't do. "I see you, eating that ice cream directly out of the carton where you think no one will know because no one is with you and it doesn't matter anyway because you live alone, but it does matter, because it is wrong, and I see you doing it, and I know you are doing wrong, and I know that you know that I know." When I was younger and thought I was a Christian I assumed it was God, keeping track of whether I was sinning or not and whether I ought to be forgiven for being sufficiently sorry for said sins, but it's still there even though logically I know there is virtually no possibility that such an entity exists. I even feel a little bit uncomfortable outright saying I'm an atheist because in the back of my mind there is a little image of God watching and saying, "I heard that, and I'll remember." I never really had a fear of hell or anything, it's just the whole idea of always being watched and judged. Could also be some weird form of social anxiety where, when there aren't any actual people around to judge me, I make them up in my head.

[formergothardite]

I find myself talking to myself(praying) over little things even though I know if God exists, he doesn't really care that I lost my keys again.

I worry when bad things happen that it is God punishing me.

I annoy fundies on Free Jinger (and according to She Who Laughs this is just horrible, might be) because that used to be me and people forcing me to confront what I believe and use logic helped me escape.

[Miggy]

Just to clarify, I don't regard the damage to have been done in the name of generic religion - mine are specifically Christian hang-ups, developed in the Christian church through association with Christians at a time where I myself was a born-again Christian. Sorry to be snippy about this, but another hang-up I have is an oversensitivity to the offer of hugs and sympathy from current Christians who seem to believe that if only I knew their version of Christianity, I wouldn't have been so hurt. That may very well be so, who knows, but I can't go there, or accept the hugs right now, and I'm not looking for anyone to make things better for me. I just need space to process what did happen to me, in my valid experience of christianity, so that I can move on and make my own way in the life that I have chosen right now.

[/end snippy rant] :oops:

Sorry anniec, didn't mean to cause offense.

Also didn't mean to imply my religion would have been any different. I said "religion" as I think all religions can hurt people; Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, even the very liberal interpretations. I want a world where everyone loves and respects everyone else and I find it interesting that the most peaceful countries in the world are also the least religious; Norway, Sweden, Finland.

[notacleverpony]

My (narcissistic Quiverfull creationist traditional/fundie Catholic) mother read "The City of God" by St. Augustine of Hippo. Came in four thick, hardbacked volumes, I remember. She told me that it said whenever you are startled by an insect, the insect is a fallen creature sent by God to remind you of a mortal sin that you committed and forgot to confess. It took me years before the sight of a stray housefly or earwig didn't send me into spirals of paranoia and self-doubt. >_<#

[masagoroll]

I tend to have this nagging feeling that someone, somewhere, is always watching me and judging me - anywhere I go, anything I do, anything I think is observed and measured in terms of things I should or shouldn't do. "I see you, eating that ice cream directly out of the carton where you think no one will know because no one is with you and it doesn't matter anyway because you live alone, but it does matter, because it is wrong, and I see you doing it, and I know you are doing wrong, and I know that you know that I know." When I was younger and thought I was a Christian I assumed it was God, keeping track of whether I was sinning or not and whether I ought to be forgiven for being sufficiently sorry for said sins, but it's still there even though logically I know there is virtually no possibility that such an entity exists. I even feel a little bit uncomfortable outright saying I'm an atheist because in the back of my mind there is a little image of God watching and saying, "I heard that, and I'll remember." I never really had a fear of hell or anything, it's just the whole idea of always being watched and judged. Could also be some weird form of social anxiety where, when there aren't any actual people around to judge me, I make them up in my head.

I kind of have that, too, and my husband calls it the "invisible audience"!

[pomology]

Funny, I do the same thing, I still invoke St. Anthony when I can't find something.

Sometimes I consider myself a ritualist, I love lighting candles with some intention and I find it still difficult to pass an altar without kneeling and making a cross sign.

Old habits die hard, which proves it is all completely without any meaning, just conditioning.

The catholic quilt? As strong as ever.

Btw, I am an atheist.

If this is too off-topic, I apologize, but I definitely understand loving ritual. I think that most of the reason I call myself a Jew despite not caring about if there is or isn't a God (I don't think there is, but that's a less strong impulse than simply not caring) is because I love Jewish rituals and practicing Judaism even if I don't think it ultimately means anything spiritual.

But then again, I've only experienced benign religion, not abusive or restricting religion, so I might feel differently if I had been brought up, say, Satmar or some such thing.

[BlueChair]

I grew up in a mainline denomination so fortunately I was spared the hellfire and brimstone nonsense. The focus was more on being good people and not the fear aspect. But the pressure to conform to being good in all the right ways was immense and constantly reinforced by my own mother.

Anything to do with sex outside of the bonds of holy matrimony was wrongwrongwrong and I still struggle with guilt related to that. I'm an adult woman and my only recurring nightmare I've had since my late teens (which is well before I became sexually active) is of me getting pregnant and having to tell my mother. Not getting pregnant and freaking out about being responsible for another human life, figuring out how to pay for it all, not being in the right place in my life, etc. It's all about now having irrefutable evidence that I've done the deed at least once and having to tell my mother. And I mean nightmare in the literal sense, not the figurative. :(

One thing I gladly let go of is having to like everyone. Good little church girls have to like and see the good in everyone, don't you know, because that's what Jesus did. Now, if I think someone's a douche I can just avoid them rather than trying to force myself to like them. For some reason this was SO liberating for me. I'm still polite to everyone, but if you're an obnoxious twat, I will be around you as little as humanly possible and no longer feel any guilt about it.

[bellicosebroad]

This isn't really a hangup, but sex was uber exciting, fun and forbidden when I was younger in part because I didn't wait to get married before I very thoughtfully chose my first partner. At that point, I thought he'd be my only partner, too, and that we probably would get married, but when that didn't work out, I didn't blink much (heartbreak over the breakup yes, guilt about my "deflowering," no). Three partners later, I gotta say I still get a kick out of angering my near-fundy relatives because DH and I aren't legally married and never intend to be, but are most definitely frisky. :-)

[alysee]

Just the sex for me as well. It took 4 years after leaving for us to have sex. I suppose the Catholic guilt is still there but now I just make jokes about it.

[Kishiria]

Funny, I do the same thing, I still invoke St. Anthony when I can't find something.

Sometimes I consider myself a ritualist, I love lighting candles with some intention and I find it still difficult to pass an altar without kneeling and making a cross sign.

Old habits die hard, which proves it is all completely without any meaning, just conditioning.

The catholic quilt? As strong as ever.

Btw, I am an atheist.

I am a pagan now, since I believe in nature. I think it's okay to invoke St. Anthony. He is part of the universe now and I figure he is more than willing to help. Folk Catholicism hooks into the wild, cthonic divine as long as you keep the formal mainstream crap out of it.

[Olive Plant]

Anything to do with sex outside of the bonds of holy matrimony was wrongwrongwrong and I still struggle with guilt related to that. I'm an adult woman and my only recurring nightmare I've had since my late teens (which is well before I became sexually active) is of me getting pregnant and having to tell my mother. Not getting pregnant and freaking out about being responsible for another human life, figuring out how to pay for it all, not being in the right place in my life, etc. It's all about now having irrefutable evidence that I've done the deed at least once and having to tell my mother.

Yeah, totally this. I have had days when I thought I was pregnant (wasn't) and had to lock myself in the bathroom at work and cry over the idea that I'd have to disappoint my family, particularly my mom. And wonder if they would ever get over it and treat me the same way.

[tacky]

I find myself talking to myself(praying) over little things even though I know if God exists, he doesn't really care that I lost my keys again.

I worry when bad things happen that it is God punishing me.

Both of these.

[19 dogs and counting]

I've been an atheist for at least 10years but had been slowly leaving the faith since I was 11. I still pray to God when times get tough but I rationalize that it's just the coping mechanism I learned as a kid. The hang-up that disturbs me the most is that I'm still deathly afraid of demons. I don't believ in hell or satan but I'm terrified of demons. The born-agains truly did a number on my young mind. As a child I used to pray for hours casting demons out of anything for fear that one would somehow get in and get me. I thoroughly believe teaching a child this sort of thinking is a form of child abuse.

[Jessica]

So much this. But I got mine from the Southern Baptists of the United States.

Add: A crushing feeling of worthlessness and of never, ever, being good enough.

Add me to the list. Thanks, multi-billion-dollar mall-building cult whose name abbreviation looks curiously similar to a hallucinogenic drug! Oh yeah, and I drank a 20 oz iced mocha today and it was DELICIOUS and I didn't feel bad about it. *snap and a head swivel* MMMM-hm!

[VintageJen1984]

I still consider myself a Christian, but I recently "converted" away from the Southern Baptist raising I had. I'm currently attending an Episcopal church and I like it, but I'll be moving to the big city soon and I've always wanted the check out Catholicism and Orthodoxy from more than the academic standpoint (I've done a lot of research.)

The main hangup I have is as a bisexual and with kink fantasy. Hopped off the virginity train years ago, and it didn't bother me like my mother thought it should, especially since unless I got pregnant none of the judgy people would ever have to know. But the liking women and kink is weird. I kind of have a bipolar attitude about it, where I hate myself Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and hate judgy people Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Funny enough, the best thing I have found in Episcopalianism is that God loves me, and I love Him, and that's the main thing. But the Baptist raising is hard to let go of.

[latraviata]

If this is too off-topic, I apologize, but I definitely understand loving ritual. I think that most of the reason I call myself a Jew despite not caring about if there is or isn't a God (I don't think there is, but that's a less strong impulse than simply not caring) is because I love Jewish rituals and practicing Judaism even if I don't think it ultimately means anything spiritual.

But then again, I've only experienced benign religion, not abusive or restricting religion, so I might feel differently if I had been brought up, say, Satmar or some such thing.

Very true, my upbringing as far as catholicism at home is concerned was very moderate. Though my memories of the nuns at school are not always very pleasant, but I feel no resentment towards catholicism based om personal experience.

[ExCatholic]

Very true, my upbringing as far as catholicism at home is concerned was very moderate. Though my memories of the nuns at school are not always very pleasant, but I feel no resentment towards catholicism based om personal experience.

Sometimes I think that the rituals of Catholicism actually prevent it from producing as many fundies as other branches of Christianity. Its easy to feel like you're included in and participating in church when you know exactly what to do at any given moment. And after church ... you go home. In my personal experience Catholics don't seem as concerned with their personal journey. Its more about how the group is doing than with how you're doing as an individual. Maybe that cuts down on the amount of passion people can muster up? Maybe there are more extreme branches I'm not aware of, but Catholics tend to look almost benign next to, say, independent Baptists.

[alysee]

Sometimes I think that the rituals of Catholicism actually prevent it from producing as many fundies as other branches of Christianity. Its easy to feel like you're included in and participating in church when you know exactly what to do at any given moment. And after church ... you go home. In my personal experience Catholics don't seem as concerned with their personal journey. Its more about how the group is doing than with how you're doing as an individual. Maybe that cuts down on the amount of passion people can muster up? Maybe there are more extreme branches I'm not aware of, but Catholics tend to look almost benign next to, say, independent Baptists.

I know my case may be a unique one but in my family we were traditional Catholics. I do also want to set a disclaimer only this year did I find out he was excommunicated for these very beliefs of him knowing what was best for his congregation. The priest decided everything for us. Although we prayed everyday and went to Mass everyday if our priest told us to jump we asked how high. If he told us we had to dress more modestly we did, if he told us to go out and stalk abortion clinics we did. He would tell us that he was reading his bible and he got clarity from God that we had to do this or that or we would be going against God. That was always his line. It was a sick manipulative relationship. And that we weren't even part of what a true Catholic church is.

[TudorRose]

I feel weird leaving the house in tank tops. So so defrauding

[alysee]

I feel weird leaving the house in tank tops. So so defrauding

I still don't :oops: . I just can't do it. Even when I'm wearing cap sleeves I'm pulling them down! I pull down my skirts too. It's a nervous tick that I can't get out of the habit!

[Spider Burps]

It's interesting for me to read these posts, because I wasn't raised in a specific religion but I have similar hangups regarding pride ("bragging"), depression ("everything happens for a reason"), modesty (I won't even answer the door in a tank top, nor will I get the mail in pajama pants [i am skirts-only except around the house]), gambling (I don't play games of chance, ever, including entering "luck of the draw" contests/giveaways) and being negative ("if you can't say something nice..."). I wonder how much of it is my own insanity and how much of it is the influence of the Bible Belt where I was raised?

My heart goes out to those of you who had this crap ingrained from youth and I'm way impressed by how many of you were/are able to counter these irrational beliefs/fears/thoughts.

[TudorRose]

I still don't :oops: . I just can't do it. Even when I'm wearing cap sleeves I'm pulling them down! I pull down my skirts too. It's a nervous tick that I can't get out of the habit!

Intellectually, I know it's fine. No one else cares what I wear, but I asked my husband to reassure me--"this is totally ok for me to pick our son up from Scouts, right?" He didn't grow up anywhere near my culture, so he's helped me learn to pass for normal.

(OMG I asked my headship. lol. He's going to crack up when I tell him)

[Samantha]

Add me to the list. Thanks, multi-billion-dollar mall-building cult whose name abbreviation looks curiously similar to a hallucinogenic drug! Oh yeah, and I drank a 20 oz iced mocha today and it was DELICIOUS and I didn't feel bad about it. *snap and a head swivel* MMMM-hm!

Gurrrl, I so hear you! As soon as my mom and I decided we were out of there we got large coffees and it was better than I had remembered.

[wtfrenchtoast]

I wasn't raised super religious. My mom went to a southern Baptist church and my grandma is Catholic, so when I went to church it was with them. But the one thing that I guess qualifies as a hangup is masturbation. I remember doing it when I was pretty young, like 8 or 9 maybe, and then thinking it was bad and promising God to not do it ever again. I thought that would for sure make me stop because breaking a promise to God was sure to land me in hell forever. That little promise still nips at the back of my mind sometimes. I'm really grateful that I was raised in my dad's house and he never took us to church. I only got exposed to it occasionally by my mom and grandmother.