Residual hang-ups from your former Christian belief system?

[Guest Anonymous]

It is more than a decade since I finally stopped identifying as a Christian, and probably 15 or more years since I started my gradual departure from the faith, but the 10 years that I spent as a fully fledged 'born again' must have really got under my skin because I still, even now, struggle with hang ups from those days.....

I thought it might take away some of the power of those hang-ups if I write them down in print, and I wonder if any other former Christians would like to join me for 'fellowship' in my attempt to exorcise the 'demons'?

One of my huge, biggest hang-ups hits me in the face every time I log onto free jinger these days and see JFC's thread "What are you proud of today?". I think I made an effort to post on it when it was first started, but my automatic, gut reaction to the thread title is that PRIDE IS A SIN!!!!!!111eleventy!111 :mrgreen: I don't want to feel that way and I certainly don't feel that other people's self pride is a sin, but being proud of my own achievements... it still feels hard to feel it, let alone to announce it to others. When I think it through rationally, I know that the extreme humility and self-deprecation encouraged in church was always an unhealthy thing, and one of the things I still most enjoy about being a non-Christian is not having to apologise for being a worthless sinner every damned day, but if ever anyone says, "You must be so proud of...", a voice within me shouts out, "Nooooo, sinner!" :twisted:

Anyone else..? :P

[snarkbillie]

I'm still really superstitious, it annoys me a lot. I still on some level worry that I'm going to go to hell now, forever. I sit and think about it, what's it going to be like in hell forever? Is it worth the life I'm living to be in hell forever? etc.

I worry about my friends when they post things on their FB about Satan. I'm a little irked right now because I typed the "s" word. We were taught not to ever say it because it could be a challenge and he would send demons around to ruin your life. We weren't even allowed to say our prayers out loud or write them down because it would be letting "him" in to our hearts/minds and we could get possessed.

I worry that every nightmare is due to S taking over my mind.

I realize that logically none of this stuff is true, but it's been pounded into me for so long that it's hard to shake.

[Dixiebelle]

I still have trouble with the word "luck" - saying "good luck" to someone or saying something is lucky. We had to say "blessed". I was telling someone the other day to "keep your fingers crossed" for something I was hoping for, and it felt wrong.

[delilahdog11]

I'm still really superstitious, it annoys me a lot. I still on some level worry that I'm going to go to hell now, forever. I sit and think about it, what's it going to be like in hell forever? Is it worth the life I'm living to be in hell forever? etc.

I worry about my friends when they post things on their FB about Satan. I'm a little irked right now because I typed the "s" word. We were taught not to ever say it because it could be a challenge and he would send demons around to ruin your life. We weren't even allowed to say our prayers out loud or write them down because it would be letting "him" in to our hearts/minds and we could get possessed.

I worry that every nightmare is due to S taking over my mind.

I realize that logically none of this stuff is true, but it's been pounded into me for so long that it's hard to shake.

I have a hard time identifying as an atheist because I am still afraid of burning in hell for eternity. I hold out the possibility that being saved by Jesus will keep me from that, so even though I know all of that is bullshit. I am still unable to fully believe that there is no god.

[snarkbillie]

I have a hard time identifying as an atheist because I am still afraid of burning in hell for eternity. I hold out the possibility that being saved by Jesus will keep me from that, so even though I know all of that is bullshit. I am still unable to fully believe that there is no god.

I'm in the same boat.

[ExCatholic]

I never identified deeply enough with Catholicism to have a lot of hang ups, but I do have a few silly superstitions. When I can't find something I mutter "Tony, Tony, turn around, something's lost and can't be found." It's a silly prayer to St. Anthony, patron saint of lost things. I also make the sign of the cross when I hear an ambulance or fire truck. The nuns at school guilted us into thinking that if we didn't the people who needed help might die.

Oh Catholic guilt. It affects me in so many small ways.

[velly]

Believe it or not, I still have a hard time not praying or asking God for help! I lost the remainder of my faith recently and it kind of sticks with you to 'pray' after a while and when I catch myself doing it I have a hard time stopping myself. Weird, right?

[Guest Anonymous]

Thank you, I am glad it is not just me, and I can identify with some of your hang-ups too. I struggled with the concept of 'luck' for quite a while too, even though it feels much nicer now to think of bad things being down to random chance, rather than having to think that God 'allowed' them to happen to you for some dreadful reason....

[Miggy]

I feel so sad when I hear of all the damage done to you in the name of religion and wish I could make everything better. The best I can do is offer you all a hug.

[linnea27]

My husband was raised a Jehovah's Witness and struggled with this for some time, even though he stopped believing when he was 10 or so and stopped toeing the line when he moved out at 17 or 18. The two biggest things he struggled with was same-sex marriage and blood transfusions/transplants.

When we first started dating he was a huge homophobe. I told him in no uncertain terms that was a dealbreaker for me as I couldn't be with someone who would hate our children should we get married one day and have a gay child. It took him a little while, and I gave him the space to work it out, but one day I caught him outright staring at a gay couple in the mall. I asked him what the hell he was doing and he said that he just realized that in watching this gay couple, they didn't seem as "evil" as he had been led to believe. After that, he pretty much lost his homophobia, and now that we are married with kids, he says he's horrified how some parents will treat their gay kids, and has made no attempt to quash the stereotypically feminine behaviour one of our sons displays at times.

The transplant issue took longer. He always maintained he was adamantly against blood transfusions/transplants, but had no reason for this other than it was "gross" and had always been told it was wrong. I told him that when we married, I'd be his next of kin and if I was asked to consent to a blood transfusion to save his life, he'd be getting it. He was still against it until years later when our son started experiencing some kidney problems. Fortunately there ended up being nothing seriously wrong with his kidneys, but while they doctors were looking into it and we were seeing the poor kidney function test results, we began to talk "worst case scenario" about transplants and such. My husband immediately became 100% pro-transplant and even voluntarily put himself on the donor registry.

[Guest Anonymous]

I feel so sad when I hear of all the damage done to you in the name of religion and wish I could make everything better. The best I can do is offer you all a hug.

Just to clarify, I don't regard the damage to have been done in the name of generic religion - mine are specifically Christian hang-ups, developed in the Christian church through association with Christians at a time where I myself was a born-again Christian. Sorry to be snippy about this, but another hang-up I have is an oversensitivity to the offer of hugs and sympathy from current Christians who seem to believe that if only I knew their version of Christianity, I wouldn't have been so hurt. That may very well be so, who knows, but I can't go there, or accept the hugs right now, and I'm not looking for anyone to make things better for me. I just need space to process what did happen to me, in my valid experience of christianity, so that I can move on and make my own way in the life that I have chosen right now.

[/end snippy rant] :oops:

[Guest Anonymous]

Believe it or not, I still have a hard time not praying or asking God for help! I lost the remainder of my faith recently and it kind of sticks with you to 'pray' after a while and when I catch myself doing it I have a hard time stopping myself. Weird, right?

I prayed 'automatically' for a long time after I stopped believing in God. Nowadays I talk to myself a lot, when working alone, thinking through problems etc, and I have often wondered if the need to verbalise things is related to my former daily prayer habits. However, I also suspect that it could equally be due to my becoming an eccentric old lady of 40, rather than being a substitute for prayer.... :)

[IceTwinkie]

I never identified deeply enough with Catholicism to have a lot of hang ups, but I do have a few silly superstitions. When I can't find something I mutter "Tony, Tony, turn around, something's lost and can't be found." It's a silly prayer to St. Anthony, patron saint of lost things. I also make the sign of the cross when I hear an ambulance or fire truck. The nuns at school guilted us into thinking that if we didn't the people who needed help might die.

Oh Catholic guilt. It affects me in so many small ways.

I'm right there with you and I hate it.

[mockingbird]

I never identified deeply enough with Catholicism to have a lot of hang ups, but I do have a few silly superstitions. When I can't find something I mutter "Tony, Tony, turn around, something's lost and can't be found." It's a silly prayer to St. Anthony, patron saint of lost things. I also make the sign of the cross when I hear an ambulance or fire truck. The nuns at school guilted us into thinking that if we didn't the people who needed help might die.

Oh Catholic guilt. It affects me in so many small ways.

I still believe in God, but am trying to drop a lot of the Catholic guilt/legalism. I was taught to pray whenever I saw/heard an ambulance or fire truck and feel very guilty if I don't say a silent prayer! I'm okay with it because the people the ambulance/fire truck is for probably need help but not okay with how if I forget I will beat myself up about it.

[debrand]

Believe it or not, I still have a hard time not praying or asking God for help! I lost the remainder of my faith recently and it kind of sticks with you to 'pray' after a while and when I catch myself doing it I have a hard time stopping myself. Weird, right?

I have problems not praying myself but I think that maybe it is a way of thinking through my thoughts. That seems weird but when you grow up asking and thanking god for everything, praying becomes a knee jerk reaction to stress(even good stress)

Being nice was pushed so much into my head that I still have difficulty standing up for myself. I just don't like confrontations. It's a trait that I am trying very hard to overcome. I was taught that EVERYTHING that I did could influence a nonChristian's decision to accept Jesus. That is a lot of guilt to carry around.

I've come to accept that I need rituals so I'm trying to make my own up. For instance, on Halloween, I left a plate of food for my grandmother. Of course, I knew she wouldn't eat it but the idea of remembering her in some concrete fashion really helped me. It made me happy.

Although I try not to be, I'm angry at the bill of goods I was sold. Christianity was much more dangerous to my mind then a lot of religious people are willing to believe. I understand that some people get a lot of comfort from their faith but I found it more burdensome to be a Christian then not. It angers me at myself that I didn't ask more questions or stop believing long ago.

[latraviata]

I never identified deeply enough with Catholicism to have a lot of hang ups, but I do have a few silly superstitions. When I can't find something I mutter "Tony, Tony, turn around, something's lost and can't be found." It's a silly prayer to St. Anthony, patron saint of lost things. I also make the sign of the cross when I hear an ambulance or fire truck. The nuns at school guilted us into thinking that if we didn't the people who needed help might die.

Oh Catholic guilt. It affects me in so many small ways.

Funny, I do the same thing, I still invoke St. Anthony when I can't find something.

Sometimes I consider myself a ritualist, I love lighting candles with some intention and I find it still difficult to pass an altar without kneeling and making a cross sign.

Old habits die hard, which proves it is all completely without any meaning, just conditioning.

The catholic quilt? As strong as ever.

Btw, I am an atheist.

[HoneyBunny]

After 12 years of Catholic education, I still consider myself a Christian, and I retain a couple of ideas from my Catholic years. I still say a Hail Mary when I hear a siren. And I still think that kids deserve to know who their dads are (regardless of whether their parents were ever married). But some of that might be my age (early 50s) showing, more than my Catholic roots.

But, really, that's about it. I do believe in Jesus and try to live my life by His example. But religions, the bible, the whole "born again" test to get to heaven...hate them, and think they've reaped continuing evil in this world. Who needs Satan when you've got religion?

[holierthanyou]

Hearing someone mention horoscopes or lottery tickets in passing. Have to remind myself neither of those things are the worst possible crime in the world.

[aubrietta]

I am a stay at home mom because my lack of education and grooming to be a stay at home mom have trapped me here for the time being. While I do love being with my kids, and recognize that it is a privilege that I can be - it's also a struggle - both financially and for my mental health. I'm not super homemaker mom, I hate housework, and I get bored being with my kids all day and then feel terrible about feeling like that. I don't want to homeschool my children, and I feel incredibly guilty about it, and feel like I'll be giving them some sort of second rate education, even though we live in a district with some of the best schools in the province, and I know they'll be way better off there than with me because I'd be frustrated and annoyed.

I also go to a United Church, and I was raised to believe that people who went to United Churches weren't really Christians because they didn't condemn homosexuality.

I have a lot of guilt, and I do pro-choice activist stuff, and I know that I spend more time doing it than I would if I hadn't been raised picketing abortion clinics. Part of it is a big fuck you to my parents, and another part feels like penance, but it also really, really feels like the right thing to do, and I love the people I work with.

[aubrietta]

Hearing someone mention horoscopes or lottery tickets in passing. Have to remind myself neither of those things are the worst possible crime in the world.

LOL. Also this! Yes, I have learned that 50/50 draws are not from Satan!

[holierthanyou]

LOL. Also this! Yes, I have learned that 50/50 draws are not from Satan!

Glad I'm not the only one! Honestly, if a colleague mentions in passing that they robbed a bank or read xyz in this morning's horoscope, I am pretty sure the latter is more likely to produce a knee-jerk response of "YOU DID WHAT?!?!???" from me!

[emmyfair]

Epic levels of guilt, and a painful fear of burning in hell for all of eternity.

Thanks for the mental anguish, catholic church of Canada.

[Guest Anonymous]

Epic levels of guilt, and a painful fear of burning in hell for all of eternity.

Thanks for the mental anguish, catholic church of Canada.

So much this. But I got mine from the Southern Baptists of the United States.

Add: A crushing feeling of worthlessness and of never, ever, being good enough.

[Samantha]

Everytime I wear shorts that go above my knees or a tank/halter/tube top I feel some guilt.

Everytime I drink coffee or alcohol I feel a little weird. And I have some issues when I see people drinking to get drunk, but then correct myself that it's not bad to do that.

I still pray or talk to god in times of stress, however that's not such a bad thing because it helps me cope.

And sex or anything relating to sex is still a little odd to me. Since I was taught that sex is for marriage only and if you have sex outside of marriage that is a sexual transgression, which is as bad as murder. So anything like masturbation or watching porn will put you in the same league as a murderer. :roll:

[emmyfair]

So much this. But I got mine from the Southern Baptists of the United States.

Add: A crushing feeling of worthlessness and of never, ever, being good enough.

Hugs, Lissar, if you want them...